Chapter 20
I was still screaming when he found me. The voice had long vanished from my mind, but its words continued to reverberate in my ears, like a sick song on an endless loop. Such intense terror washed over me that I didn’t make any effort to pull away when Alandris held my trembling body against his chest. I embraced his warmth as if it held my salvation.
He let me lie there against him until my shivering stopped and the tears had dried from my eyes, all the while running a hand down my hair, comforting me. Waiting patiently in silence, until I was able to articulate the words to explain what had happened. It may have been hours he waited. I wasn’t sure how much time had passed. I only knew the sun had begun to set.
When I shifted in his arms to face him, I was acutely aware of the fact that I’d been trying to escape him. Running from him. From the pain of his betrayal. Yet when I looked in his face and saw the distress in his eyes, the slight frown of his parted lips, I was incapable of holding on to my anger. In the here and now he was just Alandris—the male I’d shared some of the deepest parts of my soul with. Fears and dreams that had never before left my mouth. And I desperately wanted and needed him here with me.
“What happened?” His voice was ragged, lacking its usual composure.
“That thing I’d manifested during our training returned.” My throat was so raw from my screams I could barely manage a whisper. “It was only in my head this time, but the voice was the same. The very same one from my nightmares. It was taunting me.”
Alandris brushed the remaining tears from my cheeks, dragging his thumb along the curve of my jaw. “Do you know what it wants?”
I welcomed his touch, leaning into him. “No, but your Lyandril was right. There is something wrong with me—with my magic. I don’t know what it is. I don’t want to believe I am this monstrous evil creature he claims me to be, but I sense it within me. That wicked thing is a part of me, and it is growing closer and closer to blurring the boundaries between us. I fear it will consume me.”
“No, he is wrong about you. ”
“Alandris…”
“I should have told you the truth about Lyandril.” He clenched his teeth. “I thought it would be better if I got more information first. It is not that I didn’t trust you… we are far beyond that, but Lyandril, he—he has been a mentor to me for many years. To disobey his authority would be more than refusing the Grand Arch Magus of the Consortium, someone with a wealth of knowledge about the magical community. It would be disloyalty to someone dear to me. I intended to respond to him, to refute his claim as soon as I possessed the evidence to disprove it in a way that would be undeniable.”
He moved his hand to the back of my neck, staring me right in the eyes in a way that made me still completely. “I would never hurt you. Never. It is irrelevant to me what he or anyone else believes about you, because I am aware of your true self, Nairu. I know your soul, and it is beautiful and kind. I have known it from the day we met, and you have proven me correct in every moment since.”
What little space remained between us, I closed, pressing my forehead to his. I was keenly aware that allowing myself to get closer to him in this moment would erase the small amount of willpower I had left to avoid him entirely. “I want to find the truth of what I am,” I whispered.
Alandris sucked in a breath. “I will help you find it.”
I smiled, closing my eyes. “Good, because I want you there at my side.”
It made me feel foolish to have doubted him. A reactionary, emotional fool grasping at the first modicum of uncertainty I’d had and weaving it into a story that would allow me to dismiss the feelings raging in my heart and run. I was unfathomably na?ve to believe that I could ever leave him behind. I longed for my freedom, yes, but I couldn’t fathom what that resembled without him. Every time I closed my eyes and pictured the future I longed for, free from burden and responsibility and the invisible shackles dictating my path in life, he was the one thing that was permanent in all of those dreams. The one thing I was unable to let go of.
When I opened my eyes again, he was staring back at me, steely blue irises swimming with raw emotion, words unsaid and implied. His gaze traveled down to my lips and sparked a flame inside me that defied explanation. It was enough to spark a boldness in me to close that remaining gap between us, as I clenched the soft fabric of his shirt in my fists.
His lips on mine were a shock to my system that spread the same fiery sensation from earlier throughout the rest of my body. I hadn’t known it was possible to feel so… right. There was no other word to describe it. I had doubts about believing in fate, but meeting Alandris was undoubtedly my destiny. It was the only thing that could explain the pull I felt toward him.
He ran his hand down the side of my waist, tugging me even nearer to him. I yielded to him, my hands tangling through his long, dark hair. The gentleness of the first touch of our lips had swiftly given way to something more intense and dizzying. My first kiss, with the only person I wanted to share it with. I was clumsy and eager, wanting more and more without knowing how to take it. Alandris’ patient guidance made up for my inexperience.
I was already addicted, intoxicated by the sensation. It was as though this first kiss was a trap intended to curse us, to devolve us into insatiable beasts who could only find fulfillment in one another. We were a mess of delirious, desperate touches. Two people who had denied themselves for far too long.
The sensation of loss that washed over me when he distanced himself was unmistakable, and I came close to yanking him right back. Then the instinct to breathe kicked in, and I inhaled deeply, my lungs burning. The instinct to think returned to me next—which was when I remembered we were sitting on the forest floor with darkness quickly approaching, and as much as I wanted to remain here in his arms, I did not want to face the creatures of the night. Dying right after discovering how much I enjoyed kissing him would be unfortunate.
“We should get back,” I said halfheartedly.
“Yes, that would be… the wise thing to do.”
Was it wrong to be happy he seemed as disappointed as I was?
Alandris stood first, offering me a hand up. I hopped to my feet and laughed, taking in the sight of him. Wrinkled, dusty clothes, and a mess of tangled hair.
“What? ”
I ran my hand through his hair, attempting to smooth out the chaos. “You look rather disheveled.”
“Well, thank you for that.” He smirked. “Though you are no better, love.” He pointed to the hem of my skirt, which was caked with mud, leaves and twigs sticking to the fabric in various places.
Love. The pet name flowed from his lips naturally. Perhaps he thought nothing of it. Perhaps I was overthinking it. I’d never been in love, and I’d never felt like this. Regardless, I didn’t have the time to ponder it over now. That was a puzzle I would agonize over in bed tonight, rather than getting a proper night of sleep in preparation for our departure tomorrow. I’d only just accepted that I wasn’t going to spend the rest of my life avoiding him and pretending that I felt nothing for him. Now that I’d accepted the fact that my feelings weren’t ‘nothing’, I needed to figure out what exactly they were.
I cleared my throat, swatting at my skirt to remove the debris. “We were training. We tripped.”
He quirked a brow. “Both of us?”
“Yes.”
“That’s the story?”
“I will leave the embellishments to you.”
It went without saying that Kallistra could not find out about my recent, and likely permanent, lapse of judgment, because now that I’d kissed him, I didn’t think I believed myself capable of letting him go.
The sky was fully dark when we returned, and our companions were already waiting in the dinner hall. Kaz and Zorinna were seated while Kallistra paced the room, an obvious fit of nervous energy. All of their heads turned to us upon hearing our footsteps as we entered the room.
“What happened?” Kallistra questioned, rushing to my side. “I was just about to go looking for you. You’re supposed to be resting.”
“We were training,” Alandris answered nonchalantly, taking a seat at the dining table. “My apologies for our lateness—we lost track of time. We’ve progressed to battling and things got quite… intense.”
I prayed I was the only one who noticed his lip quirk up in humor at that last word. His subtlety needed work.
“You were to be resting.” Kallistra took my hands in hers. It seemed at least she had given no mind to Alandris’ words. “Your injuries—”
“Are healed,” I insisted.
“And yours?” Kaz pointed to Alandris. He narrowed his eyes in a knowing humor that I could only hope Kallistra wouldn’t notice.
Alandris glared. “Never better.”
Some time after we were all seated, Marius brought out a simple dinner of vegetable soup and bread. Same as the previous nights, Theomund did not join us, and Marius disappeared right after serving us. I sensed that they would be relieved to be free of us. We were mouths to feed, which provided little benefit to their community, and some of us, namely myself, seemed to make them uneasy.
Of everyone, Kaz would likely be the only one to receive an invitation back—and that was only because he was capable of carrying more bales of hay in a day than half of Theomund’s men. He’d earned himself quite the reputation around the village. I was envious of his skill to make friends in every place he visited.
“We should only have a few more days of travel before we reach the area Amorphael marked on the map,” Zorinna spoke up, setting down her spoon. “Did she provide any more detail on what we should be looking for when we arrive?”
Alandris shook his head. “She only said the flower could be found in a cave. I didn’t wish to pester her with questions. You know how the Fae can be.”
Zorinna sighed. “Impressively vague and incredibly infuriating. Let us hope that there is not more than one cave nestled in that corner of the Azog Bog.”
“Did she explain why exactly it would be a dangerous task?” Kallistra questioned.
“No. Again, I didn’t wish to pester her with questions, so I chose to take that at face value.”
“For a Fae to consider it dangerous… well, let’s keep focused,” Kallistra hummed. “I am confident in my abilities. Whatever manner of beast comes for us, I intend to see this through.”
“That’s the spirit!” Kaz cheered .
I’d been so focused on my plans for after the journey that I hadn’t taken a moment to stop and reflect on the actual act itself. There was still the very real possibility that we wouldn’t survive to worry about ‘after’. I should have been terrified of what lay in wait deep within the Azog Bog, but that wasn’t what scared me. What I feared more than anything was surviving. Surviving meant I would have to make a decision that would, without a doubt, change my life forever.
I knew I wanted Alandris at my side, but I didn’t know what that meant for me. What of my people? What of Kallistra? What of Lyandril? My power? Was there a world in which we were able to stay alongside each other without any repercussions?
There was so much still to consider, and I was running out of time.