Chapter 24
M y hands shook in tandem with my every shallow breath. As I sifted through the bag in front of me, I raised my head every few seconds to scan the tree-line. My hands skimmed across the smooth leather, and I pulled it forth, along with a quill and a small pot of ink. With the journal in my grasp, I paused, staring down at the cover.
After hearing Kaz’s story of love, and his warning about regret, I’d contemplated if this was the right thing to do, but ultimately, I believed I had no choice. We were running out of time before the force of circumstance would separate us, and I needed to discover the truth of myself if I were to prevent that from happening. Opening myself up to potential danger was a necessary risk. I had to hope that Alandris would see it from my perspective .
I placed the journal in my lap and prepared to write. The handwriting would be difficult to match, given the gracefully fluent strokes Alandris had mastered. I would have to do my best and use the excuse of traveling by cart to explain the sloppiness. Matching Alandris’ tone was another challenge, though I’d learned enough from his behavior, as well as the previous entries, to comprehend his humor. I could hear it—his deep and charming voice. His playful jests. My chest tightened with guilt as the memories flooded my mind. But still, I wrote…
Lyandril,
Forgive my delayed response to your earlier request for me to ruthlessly murder a woman. I have taken your request into consideration, and I must ask that you further explain what exactly she is. If not for the sake of my conscience, then due to the fact that her magic has grown significantly stronger and I need to understand what I am up against.
You must also forgive my penmanship. We’ve managed to hitch a ride for part of the way, and the merchant manning the wagon is insistent on hitting every ditch in the road.
Alandris
It was done. There was no turning back. The finality of my decision had left me numb, and I sat there staring at the page while the world around me disappeared. I had betrayed Alandris’ trust, and I would have to live with the consequences. The guilt was leaving me sick, a swelling discomfort and nausea growing in the pit of my stomach. I braced my palms against the ground, willing the world to stop spinning around me as I forced myself to breathe. Perhaps that was why I hadn’t heard the footsteps approaching me.
“What have you done?” The voice cracked into a whisper. His voice.
I rose to my feet and whipped around; the journal falling from my lap, onto the ground in front of me. The horrible proof of my sins. “I—”
There was an anger in the tight set of Alandris’ jaw, in the way his fingers curled, that I’d never seen from him. “I warned you. I begged you.”
I felt the inherent urge to defend my actions, though I knew it would be futile. “We don’t have the time to wait and see if we can learn more about what I am naturally. I am aware of the danger in writing to him, but I am willing to take the risk. I would never have written him if I thought it would cause you harm. Lyandril trusts you. I am the one he wants dead. I will face him if I must. I will not ask you to do the same.”
He swallowed and shook his head, not meeting my eyes. “I would not think you are a fool, not even for writing to a Grand Arch Magus who seeks your death.” When he looked back up at me, it was with such intensity swirling in his irises, I froze. “But if you thought for a second that I would ever let you face him alone, then you are truly foolish. You do not need to ask me to face him should he come after you. If he so much as touches a hair on your head, I will watch him burn with a smile on my face.”
“He is… your mentor. ”
“And you are everything, my love.” His face softened as he reached for me, and I did not hesitate to wrap myself in his arms. “I cannot explain it—why I am so impossibly drawn to you. I only know it is too late for me. The moment I stopped fighting against it, the moment I became aware of your shared feelings, everything else ceased to matter.”
It had been the same for me. The moment I’d acknowledged that invisible current between us, I’d doomed myself. Nothing I’d wanted for myself made sense anymore without his presence tied to it. He was intertwined with the very essence of my soul, and I would not live in a world without him, without us, even if that meant fighting for it to my very last breath.
I leaned my head against his chest and spoke the words I had been conscious of all along. “We will manage this together. I love you, Alandris.”
Why had I waited so long to acknowledge that undeniable fact? Now that I’d said the words, it was like a weight lifted off of my chest.
He cut short the comfort I felt nestled in his arms as he pulled away, holding me at arm’s length with his hands on my shoulders. Shock lined his expression. He brought one of those hands to my face, gently lifting my chin with the tip of his finger. “Will you say it once more? I want to see you when you say it.” The beaming smile that lit up his face was so childlike, the ridiculousness of his request so very like him, that I couldn’t help but laugh.
“I love you,” I repeated, grinning ear to ear .
He leaned down to kiss me then, in such a manner it knocked the wind from my lungs. Though it was delicate, it was filled with all the emotions we couldn’t vocalize. The world around me blurred from focus and, for a wonderful, blissful moment, we were just two beings in love, free from responsibility, and free from consequence. Nothing existed except the two of us, tangled in each other’s arms.
I locked my hands behind his neck, my fingers curling into his hair, as I dragged him to me eagerly. His hands curved down my sides, leaving trails of warmth so hot I thought he might have manifested his magic into his palms. They stopped on my hips, gripping me so tightly I gasped.
“I love you, Nairu,” he whispered against my lips, in a deeper, heavier timbre than I was used to hearing from him. It was as though I caught a glimpse of the deepest part of him—the part he concealed behind his humor and cheerful demeanor.
I was drowning in the rawness of it. Even as he swiftly pulled back from me, putting distance between us, I remained lost in that world.
“Is something wrong?” It was not Alandris’ voice that shook me from my daydream.
The distant sound of Kallistra’s voice sent my heart into a racing panic. If the nervous fidgeting of my fingers in the hem of my shirt didn’t alert her to my guilt, the brazen flush of my cheeks would surely expose me. I could only hope she couldn’t smell him on my clothes, the way he lingered on my own senses—the scent of a recently snuffed out fire and something earthier, oakmoss and amber. Could only hope the trail of fire he’d left with his hands upon my body was in fact a figment of my imagination.
Our only saving grace was that Alandris had noticed Kallistra’s presence quickly enough for him to separate us from one another—though I knew our closeness, and the fact that we were alone together, would still rouse suspicion if we didn’t play the coming interrogation very carefully. And I was in no position to stand trial.
Kallistra stopped just before us, a hare dangling from a snare in her right hand. “I wanted to skin and clean our dinner, so I headed back early. I didn’t expect to find anyone here.” Her words peaked into a question, one brow lifting as she looked between Alandris and me.
Alandris slipped into a playful smile with such ease it was startling. If he was at all worried about being caught, it did not show in the slightest. “Zorinna grew tired of my lack of gathering skills, so she sent me back to prepare the camp ahead of her.” He tilted his head toward me. “Nairu was here already… wasn’t feeling well, so Kaz told her to take it easy.” An expertly crafted lie. Not a hint of wavering in his voice.
I fell into the role he’d prepared for me, clutching my stomach. I could feign sickness—I was still reeling after all. “I think I’m hungry. Feverish, maybe.” I let my eyes wander to the hare in her hand, where they lingered for an extra breath, before I looked back up at her .
Kallistra gave a look of pity and rested her hand on my shoulder. She was no stranger to the pain of hunger. We had both suffered during our pilgrimage. Our shared suffering would play to my advantage. “Why don’t you lie down for a bit? I’ll get started preparing our dinner right away.”
My heart was still hammering as I followed her suggestion and unfurled my bed roll to rest while she prepped our meal. If Kallistra had witnessed Alandris and me embrace—or more—she would have confronted us head on; she took her duty too seriously to bother lulling us into a false sense of security, so it was likely we’d only come into view for her after we’d already stepped away from one another. Alandris’ quickly crafted story had worked well enough.
The idea of being so close to being caught had me horrified. I don’t know what Kallistra would have done had she seen us… Such things were forbidden. My people did not even want me to have friends outside of Kallistra, so a lover was out of the question. My people forbade anything that could distract me from my goal. Kallistra was responsible for removing such distractions. I didn’t want to think about how far she would take the command of ‘removal’. I wasn’t certain if there was anything she wouldn’t do for her duty. Lie. Steal. Kill.
If I wasn’t such a hopeless fool, I would spare Alandris from the risks of being attached to me. But it was far too late for that. Selfish as it was, I couldn’t let him go. I don’t think I was ever capable of letting him go—I’d only tried to convince myself I was in order to spare us both. Now, I would just need to do my best to protect him, even if it was from the person who had been by my side for my entire life. My first friend. My first enemy. And I still didn’t know which version of Kallistra would meet me in the end.