Chapter 29
I was not alright. Not in the slightest. But there was no time to dwell on the negative thoughts plaguing my mind, no time to explain everything I’d learned about my past and present, no time to melt into the warmth of Alandris’s touch and pretend everything was fine. Our friends were out there fighting a foe that I was responsible for bringing to their doorstep, and I’d be damned if I let them get hurt because of me.
“We need to check on Kaz. I left him alone,” I hastily explained the situation we’d found ourselves in. “There were twelve of them in total. They used magic to get in somehow, but I don’t know what kind.”
Alandris didn’t hesitate. “Right. Let’s go.”
We were off running in an instant, although keeping up with Alandris’ pace was a challenge for me. I was still winded from sprinting the first time, not to mention the amount of magic I had tapped into while fighting off Silas and the other man. I’d felt incredibly powerful in the moment, but the repercussions of utilizing that much magic were wreaking havoc on every inch of my body. Everything ached. Painful, painful aches, but I refused to be the reason we lagged behind.
Inhale. Exhale. Focus. I repeated the words over and over like a mantra until we were finally at the entrance to the main cavern… or where it should have been.
“Did we—did we make a wrong turn?” I bent over, bracing my weight against my legs as I drew in shuddering breaths.
Alandris ran his hands along the rocks that were now blocking the route out of the tunnel. The entire area was covered in dust and debris, as if the ceiling had collapsed in on itself. Any attempts Alandris made to shift the rocks and claw his way out only resulted in more rocks tumbling down from above. Whether this was done intentionally or accidentally, we were trapped. We weren’t saving anyone.
He cursed, running a hand through his long, black hair as he paced. “If I use my magic, I’m only going to make this worse.” A bitter laugh left his lips. “I have no affinity for such magic—creating things or mending things. Some Arch Magus I would make.”
He didn’t need to say it aloud for me to know my magic would be no different. Shadow and flame. Our magic destroyed.
“We could look for another way through,” I offered. “I didn’t check the path that veered right at the fork back there. There’s a chance that all of these tunnels connect to one another. Perhaps we can reach them if we keep pressing forward.”
“It’s worth a shot. Let’s try.” He winced as he turned to take off, and I stopped him with a hand to his chest.
“Let me examine your wound first. I’ll be quick, and then we can check the other path afterward.” He had run so steadily, I’d forgotten the sheer amount of blood drenching his tunic. I’d missed the signs. The paleness of his skin. The light sheen of sweat on his chest and neck. “Now,” I insisted, as reluctance filled his eyes.
Alandris pressed his lips into a thin line. After a grumble or two of protest, he gave in and slid down to the ground, leaning his back against the wall. “It’s not so awful.”
I cocked a brow in doubt as I pulled open the laces of his shirt. I’d be the judge of just how awful it was, and based on the amount of blood I was seeing, I was willing to bet he was wrong in his assessment. The further down I tugged the fabric, the worse it looked.
“Can you remove your shirt?”
“I imagined this happening differently.” Alandris grinned, and I would’ve smacked him if I were sure he wasn’t bleeding out. “Oh, don’t give me that look. If I’ve lost my ability to jest, then that is when you will know I am standing at death’s door.”
He obliged my request, still smiling from ear to ear as he tossed his shirt to the ground. He looked down at the gash just below his ribs and shrugged. “See? Not so bad. He missed the vital bits.”
I would’ve liked to have had a moment to admire him, all the smooth skin and beautiful, lean muscle I’d never glanced before. And I will admit that I took the briefest moment to do so. Very brief. Because, despite his declaration, his wound was, in fact, so bad. Bad enough that I would need to clean and stitch it before we could continue.
“You’re lucky I have a medical kit with me.” Since experiencing Zorinna’s major wound, I’d taken to keeping it on my person at all times. “You need stitches or this will get worse.”
“Must we resort to needles?” He leaned away from me.
I let my mouth hang open in wonder. “This? This is what you are afraid of?”
He looked away, not in embarrassment, but nervousness. “I won’t watch, so distract me, will you? Talk with me. Tell me the things you wanted to when we didn’t have the opportunity to speak in private.”
So, I did. I cleaned the wound and stitched him back together while I shared with him the deepest parts of my soul. He was the one sitting there half undressed, but I felt more naked, raw, and exposed, confiding in him of the past I’d discovered, than he could ever be.
I told him of the being living inside of me. I told him how it cursed my village, my people, myself. How I would never be able to die. Not really. I told him of Lyssa. I told him how she’d planned to help me escape to a place called Azora. How I’d murdered her in a fit of my own rage when I’d learned she’d been lying to me my entire life. That life. I told him everything I knew, even the parts I didn’t want to remember, bracing myself for his revulsion, his disappointment, his utter loathing… but it never came.
I secured the stitch, organized my supplies, and spoke the one thing I couldn’t stop thinking about. “What if I am the villain in all of this? The monster they claim me to be? We hunt and kill beasts we deem capable of destruction and evil. We exterminated dragons from this world because we feared how powerful they could become. We murder creatures in the woods that pose a threat to our nearby towns. What makes me any different? I’m another monster that can’t be controlled for the hero to slay for the betterment of the majority.”
Alandris took a deep breath and looked at me for the first time since I’d started his stitching. “Do you truly believe you became a monster the moment you received that God’s magic? Or did they make you one when the people you considered your family trapped you in a cage? When the people who feared the thing inside of you hunted you down?” He shook his head, anger etching his features. “No. Those are the monsters. The people who manipulated a child, helped her grow into the perfect puppet, witnessed her murder, only to then decide to repeat the process over and over again with no regards to what that would do to her mind. Her heart. There is no downplaying what they did to you—it was torture. They deserve a special hell I can only hope I’ll have the pleasure of delivering them to.”
“Alandris…” I was at a loss for words. I’d never once had someone defend me so vehemently.
He continued, “What you did to Lyssa was a mercy. If we find Kallistra, I will take my time with her death. I will savor it. So, if you are the villain, then I am so much worse.”
“So, you think me innocent, then? I killed people. I-I wanted to. I felt they deserved it. I became so furious that I completely lost control and my only option was to erupt. I wanted revenge, and I took it. How is that innocence?”
He smirked. “I can think of no better term.”
I scoffed. How ridiculous. “It doesn’t work like that.”
“Not everything is so black and white—good and evil, guilty or innocent. Most people, I believe, fall somewhere comfortably in the middle. Though, I think you are more inherently good than you give yourself credit for.” He tilted his head to the side. “Would you like an example? I can think of several, but there is one such case that I’m sure will humor you.”
No. I didn’t want an example. It sounded like walking into a trap, but I nodded my head in agreement, regardless.
“Let’s take our dear friend Zorinna. You see, you are impossibly kindhearted and gentle, to a fault, really… only you would openly encourage someone to confess to your own lover.”
“W-what? Why are you bringing that up all of a sudden?” I flushed bright red.
Alandris suppressed a laugh. “It’s an example.”
“And what would you have done? If someone wanted to confess their love to me?” I crossed my arms in front of my chest, frustrated with the absurdity of this.
“Oh, I would have set them on fire. ”
“Alandris!” I brought a hand to my forehead, rubbing away my irritation as if it were a tangible thing. “You’re teasing me again. That’s what this is. I didn’t know what to say… I obviously wasn’t going to maim your best friend. That doesn’t make me a good person.”
He raised his brows, a mischievous grin on his lips. “No. Not teasing, though I did hope to make you smile in light of all you’ve told me. Do you want to know how I’d do it? I suppose it would depend on the circumstances, but I like to consider myself a creative male.”
“You would not kill someone for simply falling in love with me.”
He raised my face with a finger under my chin, his eyes devoid of any trace of humor. “You might be surprised at the number of things I would do for you.”
My breath caught in my throat. The speed at which he was able to transition from playful to something deadly serious was always jarring. I’d always conceived it to be another joke of his, the juxtaposition of it all, but I was beginning to doubt it was for a laugh. He had, after all, killed for me, just as I had done for him. He had repeatedly emphasized that I had the freedom to ask anything of him and he would remain by my side. As my sword, my shield, my fire.
That is who Alandris was, what he was, at the very center of his being—fire. He embodied heat, volatility, and intensity in every way. I was no more than a moth drawn to his flame. I’d never stood a chance against him. I’d been captivated from the moment I’d first laid my eyes on him, and now, I couldn’t imagine my world without his warmth. I trusted him fully; I needed him wholly, and I would do whatever it took to ensure we could remain by each other’s sides.
“I want to find a way to separate my soul from this thing’s,” I said. “I do not wish to be a vessel in this life or ever again. I want to be Nairu.”
He nodded his head once and placed his lips against my forehead. “We will make it so.”
It had become abundantly clear as we traveled through the tunnels that they were, at least partially, man made. Iron sconces lined the walls every few feet, holding torches long since extinguished, though easily remedied by a dash of magic. There was no cut out path, but it was clear where the ground had been treaded and smoothed over years of use. Certain walls had carvings I recognized to be of the Fae language, even without taking the time to translate them.
We pushed ourselves to move as fast as our legs would allow. After over an hour of twisting and turning with no end in sight, our pace had fallen to a mere stroll. My vision was swimming with exhaustion, and as much as I hated to admit it, I knew I couldn’t go much longer before my body would give out on itself. It was a miracle I’d made it this far. The only thing pushing me forward was the hope that we’d at least find an open space to take a break comfortably. Another moment spent in the cramped quarters of the tunnel and I was liable to suffocate.
Fresh, cool air hit my lungs all at once, and I nearly slammed into Alandris’ back as he stopped out of nowhere. I peered out from behind his tall frame to see what had made him stop so abruptly.
The tunnel had opened to another enormous cavern, almost as large as the one we’d initially entered. At the center of the room was a pool of water so clear it was crystalline. From the ceiling hung glowing flora in hues of indigo and violet. And in the very center of the pool was a towering tree, with weeping branches dipped in long, lilac leaves. The rest of the cavern was empty, save for a raised circular dais, in the very back, beyond the water. The entire display was otherworldly. I had to look behind me just to confirm that we hadn’t been transported to another realm.
“Do you think the flower could be here?” Alandris asked in breathless wonder.
I’d almost forgotten the damn flower. The Fae’s favor that had started everything. With everything else crumbling down around me, I’d forgotten it was all for naught if we failed to find the flower and release Alandris from his debt. “If not here, then where?”