Chapter 30
?
Luna
The shower stream falls gently on my back while the scent of cherries and vanilla floats in the air.
I close my eyes and breathe.
For the first time in the last few hours, I try to process everything that happened today because, just like in the past, I sweep all my worries under the rug and try to ignore them.
But how many problems can you hide under the rug before the smell starts to suffocate you?
The car I was in was attacked. I was almost kidnapped. Roman has another brother. Roman has a twin brother. I killed someone.
And this is the moment when I should feel something, right? I should feel remorse and guilt and be ready to light candles in every church in Chicago for a trace of forgiveness. But all I feel is emptiness.
Max's face when he told me who the man was is burned into my mind. I know how shame and disgust look on someone's face. I saw them daily in the mirror. Shame that I gave money to a man for months, hoping he would change, hoping that at some point he would care enough about me to stop. Shame that I lied to my parents during every call when my voice trembled. Shame from so many friends who looked at me like a wounded animal every time Aidan made a scene in front of them.
And disgust?
That started when, after his first jealous rant, I still allowed him to put his hands on me. When I allowed it after the second and third time because it was, according to him, 'my way of proving that I loved him.'
But what I did today brings neither shame nor disgust. Maybe everything that's happened to me in recent years has cleared me of many moral principles, but I know in my soul that man was a predator and deserved everything that happened to him.
After being careful not to stress my shoulder in the shower, I get out and change into more comfortable clothes. There are some bruises on my body, but I seem to have gotten off pretty easy after everything that happened. I need to ask Roman about Sergey when he returns.
When I leave the room, Anuska is waiting by the door, looking at me intently.
"Did something happen?" I ask, frowning slightly and trying to read her expression.
She wrings her hands, searching for the right words, but after the day I've had, my level of patience and understanding is at its lowest point.
"Anuska, if something happened..."
"You saw him, didn't you?"
It takes me a few seconds to understand what she means, and then my eyes grow as wide as saucers. What? She knew about Max this whole time?
"How? Roman didn't know anything."
My last sentence is loaded with accusation because it's clear she's been lying to Roman all this time. But she has tears in her eyes, and at the sight of them, I soften. Whatever the reason was for not telling the Borisov siblings about Max's existence, I know it wasn't with the intention of betraying them.
"I saw in Ro's eyes that he met Maksim, but my soul wouldn't let me confess the truth," she says, the words spoken mostly in whispers and hiccups amid the tears running down her cheeks.
"Why didn't you tell him anything?" I ask, trying to whisper too because I don't know if Victoria is in her room and this is news that Roman or Niko should give her.
With a gentle wave of her hand, she directs us toward the living room, and I follow her lead, taking each step carefully as we make our way downstairs.
When we reach the living room, Anuska sits on one of the couches, her hands clenched in her lap. A low fire burns in the fireplace, creating an intimate, warm atmosphere. I take the seat next to her, reaching out and covering her hands with one of my own.
"I was twenty-five when Mrs. Maria found out about Maksim's problem during a check-up," she tells me, her gaze fixed on the vase of lilies on the console table.
"Back then, we didn't have all this fancy technology we've got today. All the doctors could tell her was that something was wrong with his heart. God, Mr. Alexei...he completely lost it. I swear, I've never seen anyone turn so dark, so evil. He was ready to force Mrs. Maria into early labor, just to make sure nothing happened to the healthy twin. Wanted to rip that baby right out of her," she tells me, and every word feels like a dagger twisting in my chest.
To not be wanted by your own parents, before you're even born, is so cruel. So inhuman. But to find out later that your own father would have preferred to risk even your small chance of survival so that the 'healthy son' he wanted would live is...horrifying.
"Mrs. Maria...she begged him to wait, to let her carry them full term. She promised to give up the sick baby for adoption after birth. I had just started working at the mansion when she had two months left." She pauses, her voice thick with emotion. "I was there, at the hospital, when she brought them into this world," she continues, and I feel her warm tears fall onto my hand.
It's warm in the room, but my skin feels chilled.
"He was so tiny," she whispers and wipes her eyes with a handkerchief.
Rationally I know she couldn't have done anything to stop them from giving Max away, but keeping this secret for so long is a betrayal.
Not toward Roman but toward Max, who might have had a chance at a more decent life if his brother had known about him. Although I don't know how much Roman could have done for Max at that time, there were years, years during which Maksim stayed in that house with that monster, without knowing he had siblings, without knowing what it meant to be offered a drop of love...
Because that's where the real difference lies between them. Roman had Anuska, Victoria, and Niko - people who, in their own ways, love him. And even though Roman probably wouldn't know what to call that feeling if his life depended on it, he still got to experience bits of it. But Max...Max never had any of that.
"He won't forgive me."
It's a statement. It takes me a few seconds to offer a reply because my mind is sluggish from everything that happened today, but I'm honest.
"Not now, but he'll understand," I tell her softly, and I know he will.
She manages a faint smile though her eyes are rimmed red from crying. I know it won't be easy for them to forgive her, but they will - after all, Anuska is the closest thing to a loving mother they've ever known. I glance down at our intertwined hands and give hers a gentle squeeze, trying to offer what comfort I can.
The moment is broken when a soldier appears in the doorway, announcing Kai's arrival. Anuska jumps to her feet, quickly muttering something about heading to the kitchen. As she slips out, Kai walks in, and one look at him tells me he's had his own share of struggles tonight.
I give him a sympathetic smile. “I'm sorry you had to come out at this hour, Kai.”
He flashes a wry grin. “Well, better not risk angering the devil twice in one day, right?”
The way he says it makes me burst out laughing.
“How long have you two known each other?” I ask, watching as he drapes his stethoscope around his neck.
I settle into a chair as he approaches, ready for the examination. He checks my breathing and heartbeat before moving on to inspect my ribs and dislocated shoulder. The silence between us is comfortable - usually I'd feel the need to fill it, but right now, this quiet is exactly what I need. I've almost forgotten my question when his voice breaks through the stillness.
"Fifteen years. The shoulder looks good. You'll have some lingering pain and I want you to do some physical therapy so you don't have mobility problems with it."
"Okay, I think I have a few sessions covered by insurance," I tell him, and he looks at me bemusedly.
I'm glad I'm making your evening more entertaining.
"You don't need insurance, Luna. Probably if Roman finds out, he'll bring his own specialist here to take care of you," he says, and the problem is I can't contradict him.
Because it's exactly the kind of action my boyfriend would take.
"Hey, have you eaten anything?" I ask, noticing how, despite his earlier amusement, Kai's face looks drawn. He's moving slower than usual too - clearly exhausted.
He sinks into the armchair, resting his hands on his knees with a barely audible "No." The heavy sigh that follows makes my heart ache. Something's weighing on him, but I can't put my finger on what. Though I don't know Kai well, I've seen enough to understand that he and Roman share a friendship - even if neither would ever admit it out loud.
"Come on," I say, getting up. "Anuska made some soup. You should have some." I wait for him to follow me to the kitchen, where we find Anuska looking more composed than she did just minutes ago.
If Kai picks up on anything unusual, he keeps it to himself. It hits me then - this absolute discretion is probably why Roman trusts him so deeply. God knows what secrets this man has collected over the years, patching up Chicago's most dangerous Russian crime boss and his men.
Dinner passes in complete silence. I'm lost in my own thoughts until my phone chirps, yanking me back to reality.
?
All numbness disappears when I see the message from the private number.
Breathe, Luna.
But he can't know I'm lost in thought unless... Involuntarily, my gaze starts scanning the room and I feel all the blood draining from my cheeks.
"Luna, are you okay? You look like you've seen a ghost." It's Kai's voice that brings me back to the present, and I tell myself that this isn't the moment or place to have a panic attack.
Easier said than done.
"I'm fine. Just tired after everything that happened," I answer and paste a smile on my lips.
Kai doesn't seem convinced, but he doesn't ask additional questions.
I don't understand where Aidan gets this information. First the message about the blouse when I was having lunch with Clara, then at the party, and now me being lost in thought. Once is coincidence, three times is purposeful.
After pretending to take a few more spoonfuls of soup, I get up and make my excuses to Anuska and Kai, but I need to have a nervous breakdown in private.
Months of thinking I'd become immune to his harassment, months of hoping maybe a car had hit him and I was free. I feel all of it falling on my shoulders and I want to scream, to break something. I'm so tired of always being panicked by that madman.
I wish Roman were here.
When I enter the bedroom, it's his scent of orange and something woody that relaxes the tension in my muscles. I'm safe here. For now, whispers the omniscient voice in my head.