Chapter One #2
‘Yes, sorry.’ She shook her head. ‘How am I meant to go back there, Dad, after all these years?’ Terrifying memories flooded to the surface, dark and tangled, as the shadows of a past she’d sought to outpace rose to try and overwhelm her.
‘You don’t have to go, Nyah, you know that, right?’ Her father’s voice suddenly seemed miles away.
Drawing in slow and steady breaths, she began to silently count.
1, 2, 3…
As she warded off a stampeding panic attack with the toolbox of cognitive tricks she’d learnt over her years of therapy and being the therapist, her blurry gaze drifted to the sun-drenched horizon as recollections of her mother flashed through her mind like snapshots.
‘Nyah?’ Robert’s voice was tinged with concern.
‘I…’ Her words caught in her throat. ‘I have to go, Dad, I’d never forgive myself if I didn’t.’
‘I understand, sweetheart, I really do, but needless to say I do worry about you going back there.’ Her father’s softened voice carried into her breaking heart.
‘And not only because of everything that happened, but because I know you still hold a torch in your heart for…’ He stopped short of saying the name of her first, and only, love.
Drawing in a shuddering breath, she tried to settle the turmoil roiling inside her as Ragnar licked her hand—his doggy way of offering comfort.
‘I’m sure I can handle seeing Caleb Hart, Dad.
It’s the things I can’t see that worry me.
’ If her heart beat any faster, it was going to bash its way through her rib cage.
‘I wish I could come with you, maybe if I talk to the doc…’ ‘No, Dad, flying right now is out of the question,’ she said, cutting him off before he could talk his way into doing something so silly.
‘But…’ He was going to try his best.
‘No, Dad, you could get clots in your leg.’
‘Okay, all right.’ He sounded defeated. ‘I know you’re much stronger now than when you were a young girl, but that doesn’t stop me from worrying that it will all become too much again.
’ He breathed a concerned sigh when she didn’t respond.
‘But I also know once you make up your mind to do something, you’ll follow through. ’
‘A lot like you in that regard, wouldn’t you say?’ She somehow smiled through her melancholy—she loved that she was her father’s daughter in so many ways.
‘Yes, exactly like me.’ He chuckled lightly. ‘Are you sure there’s no way you’ll let me come with you?’
‘Dad, stop, I’m not going to put your life at risk.
Flying is bound to cause complications so soon after your operation.
’ A little voice inside her was screaming, Please, come and hold my hand , be with me in case I fall apart again , as the pull of her adult obligations warred with her longing to remain safely ensconced in the life she’d painstakingly built away from the scars of the past, the life her father had selflessly given her.
‘I’m going to be only a phone call away, remember that.’
‘I know, thanks, Dad.’ His reassurance wound its way around her heart—it was a reminder of the many nights he’d spent holding her as a child, chasing away the terrors that lurked in the dark.
‘Do you want me to see if Rae will fly down with you?’
‘No, but thanks for the offer; you need her there to help you around the house.’ She wished with all her heart that she could be embraced in his shielding hug right now.
‘Don’t worry about me; you just focus on getting better.
’ He’d taught her karate, not just as a means of self-defence, but as a path to find her inner strength, to stand tall against whatever life threw at her—and she would take this skill to Wildstone.
There was a drawn-out silence before Robert’s voice sounded back into her consciousness. ‘If things get too tough, promise me you’ll reach out to me and Rae.’ His words were tempered with the softness only a father’s love could bring.
‘I promise I will.’ Whining, Ragnar pushed his muzzle into her palm. ‘It’s okay, buddy,’ she said soothingly. ‘I better get a move on, Dad, so I’m not late for work, but I’ll drop round and see you after work, okay?’
‘Okay. I love you, Nyah.’ Robert’s voice was a steady anchor in the tumultuous sea of her emotions.
‘Love you too, Dad, very much.’
As the call ended, she fought back an onslaught of emotions—deep sadness, disappointment, shock and a feeling of abandonment.
Yet again her mother had gone and left her without any explanation, but this time around she didn’t have the luxury of hope to hang on to.
Claire was gone, forever, and that was a mighty long time.
The weight of regret and anger made it difficult to breathe, and the instinct to run and hide overcame her.
Leaning forward, she wrapped her arms around herself in an attempt to steady the tremors threatening to unravel her.
She knew she had two routes—to cower and crumble, or to stand and shoulder the storm.
Option two was more her style these days, although it was easier said than done.
She understood the journey back to Wildstone was more than just a physical distance to traverse—it was a return to a place filled with echoes of immense joy and resounding sorrow.
She was going to have to find a way to survive it.
On her own.
With an incredibly heavy heart, she stood up from the bench and Ragnar rose with her. She wasn’t ready to face the past that awaited her in the dusty embrace of Wildstone, but would she ever be?
Probably not.
Her dad had taught her that resilience wasn’t the absence of fear; instead, it was facing it head-on and pushing through it.
And that’s exactly what she was planning on doing.
Wildstone was a part of who she was, but it didn’t define her—she was so much more than her past. Walking in a circle, she heaved a breath, then another, her decision to return to the place of her nightmares taking root.
To be able to get through her workday, she’d pretend her mother was still alive, huddled up in her cottage in Wildstone while ignoring the rest of the world, like she always had since that fateful day.
But Nyah knew that once she’d stepped off the plane, and her feet touched the parched ground she’d once lived on, reality would give her a firm slap to the face.
‘You ready to head back home, Ragnar?’ Crouching down, she ruffled the soft curls near his floppy ears, and he gave her a cute doggy grin.
‘I love you so darn much, buddy.’ Smiling softly, she straightened and pushed the stirring emotions to the backburner as best she could—the kids she helped needed her to be whole.
And their happiness was her entire world.
With determination in her heart and courage in her bones, she thought about her return to Wildstone, where she’d tread upon earth stained with memories both bitter and sweet, to hopefully emerge on the other side of all of this, stronger than before.
Because that’s what she and her father did.
They faced their demons and fought with all their might.
So with the heat-hazed horizon now stretching out before her, and Ragnar’s reassuring presence at her side, she took rhythmic strides once again. Towards a future that terrified her.