Chapter 25 #2
The singer and other guitarist made noises that indicated they thought what I’d said was funny—but they were subdued. Turning, I started walking toward my dressing room, holding my right hand with my left to stave off the pain as I wondered if I’d broken any bones.
I wasn’t going to apologize.
“What a cunt,” he muttered—but he was quieter, obviously not wanting me to turn around again. Or, at least, that was what I’d thought. But then he said, his voice louder, “You need to put a fucking leash on your girlfriend.”
Ah…my band members had finally exited the stage.
Picking up the pace, I stormed to my dressing room. I didn’t want to face any of them—because I had no allies here. Again, I wished I had a female friend I could talk to, but there wasn’t a soul. For a brief moment as I opened the door to my dressing room, I thought I’d even gladly take Ava.
But no… a toxic friend who constantly degraded me was worse than being alone.
I slammed my door and scanned the room. I wanted to punch more things, even though my knuckles stung, but now I was sure all my bones were intact.
Still, I wanted to release my fury on the world…
but it was misdirected, misguided. My anger needed to be turned toward myself, for being such a tool, for being a gullible idiot to believe Zack; and toward Braden, for keeping Zack’s infidelity from me; and, most of all, Zack.
I had loved that boy from the word go, and he’d done nothing all these years but break my heart over and over. And I didn’t know which hurt worse—being refused or being betrayed.
Of course, as soon as I crossed the room, there was a knock at my door. I shouted, “Go away!”
“Dani—”
“Get the fuck out of here!”
Instead of leaving, Zack opened the door that I’d failed to lock. “Dani—”
“Okay, fine. If you insist on being here, then tell me why. Why, after you promised, did you—”
“I never promised anything.”
“You—” But I stopped myself. Maybe he really hadn’t. Why had I thought he had?
Because I’d wanted us to work. Because I’d been a pathetic, lovesick puppy who felt like Zack was her soulmate.
“But you knew I didn’t want you to cheat on me. You knew I expected you to be faithful, regardless of any promise you might not have made.”
“I told you—”
“I don’t give a shit what you told me. What you did was wrong.”
The look on his face made me want to punch him just like I had Ashen’s drummer. “What I did was what any red-blooded male in a band would do. I worked hard for it all, Dani. For the money that’s coming our way, for the adoration of fans, both in the crowd and in my dressing room. And I deserve it.”
There was a volcano inside and I couldn’t figure out how to keep it from blowing. But I clenched my hands into fists at my sides and hit him with words. “Well, you don’t deserve me—and I don’t deserve to be treated like a fucking doormat.”
He actually had the nerve to roll his eyes. “God, I knew it.”
“Knew what?”
“You’re being overly emotional over something you should understand.”
“Understand? Are you kidding?”
Zack shook his head, looking up at a corner of the room as if pondering his entire life. “This is why I told you I never wanted to hook up with you in the first place. It’s bad for the band.”
“Hook up? Is that all I’ve been to you? Just a convenient fuck whenever you wanted it?” I couldn’t believe my ears—and I had to get away from him or I would risk breaking my hand. Quickly, I headed toward the door.
“Dani…that’s not it.” For a brief moment, there was tenderness in his voice…
the boy I loved was still in there somewhere.
But he’d been possessed by this monster, this man who was trying to kill both him and me and take our band down in flames.
Still, I paused, my hand resting on the doorknob.
“I get it if you want to break up. That’s fine.
But you’ve got to get your shit together.
I can’t have you killing my band just ‘cause you’re mad at me. ”
Mad? That was the understatement of the year—and he was shifting the blame to me like it was my fault.
Whipping around, I spat, “I can’t just turn off my emotions like a water faucet, Zack.
And my shit is way more together than yours.
” He just shook his head, almost smugly.
“And I hate that you’ve been using me this whole time, taking my body whenever you fucking wanted it while stifling me in the most important way possible, telling me that this band is yours, not ours…
that I can’t play the way I want to. You’re nothing but a walking, talking double standard—and I expected that out of these assholes we’re on tour with…
but not you. You were supposed to be my friend long before you were my boyfriend—and you’ve done nothing but make me feel like I’m nobody. ”
It turned out he was no better than Ava.
“I never said that shit, Dani. You do matter. You’re an important part of this band.”
“Then why don’t you treat me like it? Why don’t you let me play like I want?”
And here came his fucking double standard shining like a beacon on a hill. “You’re part of the band—but it’s still my band, and that means we go by my rules.”
“And yet I played all the drum tracks on the album your way and then my way—and, in case you forgot, they kept some of my fills in the final version because they sounded good for the songs. Better than the original versions. You’ll never be able to take that away from me.
So you know what? Fire me if you want. I’m done playing by your stupid rules, because you broke every last one of mine. ”
When I finally stormed out of the room, I grew even angrier seeing Braden and Cy standing just outside my door. God…I had so many things to say to them as well, but I was spent. My heart had been shattered into a million pieces, and they had been accessories to the crime.
Walking outside, I realized I’d left my jacket onstage and I hoped the roadies would return it at some point. But I hugged my arms around myself and walked toward the bus and then around it before I kept walking.
Maybe I’d lost Zack…or maybe I’d never actually had him.
But I did have the music, and I was going to cling to it like it was a root I was gripping to keep myself from falling off the edge of a cliff.
Because it sure as hell felt like it.