54. Malachi
Chapter 54
Malachi
The second Connor’s lips press against my temple, something inside me cracks. I let out a breath, shaky and uneven, and before I can stop it, before I can shove it all back down where it belongs, the tears slip free.
Silent at first, warm against my cheeks, burning a trail down skin that hasn’t known softness in too fucking long.
Connor freezes. His breath stutters against my temple, his body going stiff, and then—his hands are on my face, cupping my jaw, tilting my head up until I have no choice but to look at him.
And fuck, the look in his eyes is devastating.
Pain, raw and undeniable. Like he feels my grief in his own bones. Like my tears are slicing into him, carving into something deep and vulnerable that he never lets the world see.
“Babyface,” he breathes, his voice rough, uneven. His thumbs swipe against my cheeks, catching the tears, but more spill free; hot and fucking relentless. “No. No, baby, please—don’t—”
I try to turn my head, try to break the moment, but his grip holds firm, his hands trembling slightly as he wipes at my cheeks, desperate and frantic.
“I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry, mo stóirín .” His voice cracks on the word, and I feel it like a punch to the ribs. “Fuck, Malachi, you are everythin’ to me. Please don’t cry, baby, please—”
His thumbs keep moving over my skin, his touch so soft, so desperate, like he’s trying to erase every single tear before it can fall. His forehead drops against mine again, his breath shaking, his voice dropping to something softer, something so full of regret that it guts me.
I let out a shaky exhale, my fingers gripping the fabric of his shirt before I can stop myself, holding on like he might disappear if I don’t.
Connor fucking ruined me, and the worst part is that I never stopped loving him for it.
I shake my head, forcing myself to breathe, to steady myself even as my voice wobbles. “You don’t get it, Connor.”
His jaw tightens. “Then tell me.”
I let out a shaky breath before I continue. “You made me feel like nothin’,” I whisper, my throat burning. “Like I was just some—some fuckin’ thing you could pick up and put down whenever it was convenient for you.”
My voice cracks, and I hate it, but I don’t stop. “You meant everythin’ to me. Even when I tried to pretend you didn’t, even when I told myself I was just waitin’ for my chance to leave, you were everythin’.”
Connor flinches like I just hit him. His eyes squeeze shut, his hands gripping me tighter like he’s begging me not to let go.
“I never wanted to hurt you. Never wanted you to feel like you didn’t matter.” He presses his forehead against mine again, his breath uneven, his lips barely moving against my skin as he keeps whispering, as if he can press the words into me.
I shake my head again, inhaling deeply, trying to steady myself. “I didn’t want this.” My voice wavers, but I force myself to keep going. “I didn’t want our love confession to be like this—to be said while we’re both fucking hurting—but…” I let out another shaky breath. “But I knew. I knew I was in love with you the second you risked your father’s anger by getting me my meds.”
Connor’s eyes snap open, shock flickering through them. “What?” he rasps, barely above a whisper.
I laugh, but it’s a sad fucking sound. “Yeah.” I shake my head, my fingers tightening in my lap. “I’m the cliché who fell first.”
Connor stares at me, his mouth slightly parted, like the words just rearranged his whole fucking world. His fingers tremble against my skin, his expression so open, so raw, that I feel another wave of tears threatening to spill free.
I let out a slow breath, composing myself as best as I can, my voice quieter now. “And I want to say yes to you.” I lift my gaze to his, willing him to understand. “I never stopped loving you, mó chro í.”
His breath stutters, and I watch as something softens in his expression, something wrecked and relieved all at once.
“But I need time.” I force myself to keep going, to say the things I need to say before I let him pull me back under. “I need to figure out who I am without someone else decidin’ it for me. I need to breathe, to feel even a little bit of freedom.”
Connor’s jaw tightens, but he nods, swallowing hard.
“I know that’s thanks to you. I know you’re the reason I even have this chance.” I search his face, my chest aching. “But I just need a little time to be myself.”
Connor swallows hard, his throat working, his jaw clenching like he’s trying to stop himself from arguing. But then he exhales slowly, his forehead pressing against mine again.
“Okay,” he murmurs, voice barely above a whisper. “Okay, I’ll give you time. But you need to understand somethin’,” he continues. “I’m not pullin’ back my affection. I’m not lettin’ you go. And I’m sure as fuck not hidin’ how I feel about you.”
He tilts his head slightly, his nose brushing mine. “I want everyone to know my heart belongs to you.”
My face burns.
Goddamn him.
I pull back slightly, arching a brow even as my cheeks go hot. “Bold of you to assume I even want your heart, Cunningham.”
Connor smirks, and for the first time in months, it’s real. His fingers curl under my jaw, his eyes dark and amused and so fucking soft it makes my chest ache.
“You sure about that, Babyface?” he murmurs, voice thick with something teasing, something warm.
I roll my eyes, but I can’t stop the way my lips twitch. “Shut up.”
His smirk grows, his grip tightening just enough to make my breath hitch.
Fuck, I missed this.
I meet his gaze, watching the way his pupils dilate, watching the way his lips part slightly, waiting, wanting.
And fuck it, I want it too.
I lift my chin slightly, tilting my head just enough to close the distance. “Will you kiss me now, you bastard?”
The smile that splits Connor’s face wrecks me because it’s pure fucking joy. A light I haven’t seen in so long, one that makes my heart stumble, makes my ribs feel too fucking tight.
Then he’s moving, one hand sliding into my hair, the other still cradling my face as he pulls me in, his lips slanting over mine in a kiss that destroys me.
It’s not desperate. It’s not messy.
It’s deep.
Slow.
Like he’s relearning me, like he’s memorizing me, like he knows we have time, but he’s not going to waste a single second of it.
And when I sigh against his lips, when I let myself sink into him, let myself take this, I know.
I know I never stopped loving him.
And I know I never fucking will.
He leans me back onto the bed, still kissing me, still touching me like he’s afraid I’ll slip away if he lets go, and I feel it—
That feeling I’ve been chasing my entire fucking life.
Like I’ve come home.
His weight presses into me, solid and warm, his hands bracketing my face like I’m something he doesn’t want to lose again. His lips move against mine slow and dirty, like he’s savoring this, like he knows we’re not racing against a ticking clock anymore.
I sigh into the kiss, my fingers sliding up his arms, over the muscle there, the tension still lingering in him, even now. He’s holding himself back, like he’s afraid of pushing too far, of breaking whatever fragile thread we’re balancing on.
But I don’t want distance.
I want him.
I grip his shirt, pulling him down, letting my body melt into his, letting myself take the warmth, the heat, the fucking relief of him being here. Being mine.
When Connor finally breaks the kiss, I barely have a second to catch my breath before he’s dipping his head, his lips trailing across my jaw, down to my throat, pressing soft, lingering kisses that make my stomach tighten and my fingers curl against his back.
And fuck, I can’t hold it in anymore.
I swallow hard, tilting my head slightly, letting him have more of me, letting myself give him this.
“You make me feel safe, Connor,” I murmur, my voice. “Even when I hated you, even when I wanted to pretend none of this meant anythin’… I never feared you.”
Connor stills, his breath hot against my skin. I take another breath, gathering myself, pressing forward because I don’t want to stop now.
“And I’m glad it’s you,” I admit, my fingers flexing against his back. “I’m glad you have all my firsts. I’m glad you’re the one who gets all of me.”
A groan rumbles low in his throat, his hands tightening on me, his body tensing like I just wrecked him. I wait for him to say something, to break the moment, to joke or deflect or push—but he doesn’t.
He just breathes against my throat, his hands splaying across my ribs, holding me there like I’m something fragile, something he can’t fucking believe he gets to touch.
“Babyface,” he whispers, “I swear to God, if you keep talkin’ like that, I’m gonna lose it.”
I close my eyes for a second, my chest tight, my throat aching, and before I can stop myself, before I can swallow the words down like I should, I whisper, “I don’t know what you see in me.”
Connor freezes and his grip tightens just slightly, just enough for me to feel it. Then he lifts his head, staring down at me, his green eyes dark, and filled with something I don’t have a name for.
“What?” His voice is rough and raw, like I just said the most insane thing he’s ever heard.
I shift slightly under him, suddenly feeling too exposed, too open. “I mean, I—” I swallow hard, licking my lips. “I just don’t get it. What do you see in me, Connor?”
His expression twists like the words physically pain him.
Then, before I can even process what’s happening, he grabs my face, his hands framing my jaw, his thumbs brushing against my cheekbones. His chest is rising and falling too fast, his breathing uneven, like he’s furious I even asked.
“What do I see in you?” he repeats, his voice quieter now, but no less intense. He shakes his head, his grip tightening just slightly. “Are you fuckin’ kidding me, Malachi?”
I blink, caught off guard by the sheer emotion in his voice. Connor exhales sharply, like he’s trying to collect himself, trying to hold himself back, but he’s failing.
“I see everythin’ in you,” he says, his voice shaking with conviction. “I see the smartest, sharpest little brat I’ve ever met. I see someone who fights, even when he’s been beaten down, even when the whole fuckin’ world tried to break him.”
His fingers tighten as his eyes burn into mine. “I see someone who had every reason to turn into a bitter, heartless bastard but didn’t. You care even when you don’t want to. You feel things deeper than anyone I’ve ever met. You act like you don’t need anyone, but you let me in.” His breath hitches, his jaw clenching. “And that? That fuckin’ ruined me.”
My heart slams against my ribs, my throat going tight, my entire body feeling like it’s melting under the weight of his words. “These eyes got me the first time I saw them; I just didn’t know how deep I would fall.”
He shakes his head, eyes locked onto mine. “So don’t you dare ask me what I see in you, Babyface. I see my fuckin’ future in those blue eyes of yours, and I’m never lookin’ at anyone else again.”
I don’t know if I’m breathing anymore. I don’t know if my heart is even beating anymore. All I know is him. His hands on me. His weight pressing me into the bed. His words sinking into my skin like a brand, like a vow.
And I can’t stop the way my lips twitch, the way my chest aches with something too big to hold.
I huff out a breath, my hands sliding up his arms, curling around his wrists as I tilt my head slightly. “Christ, you’re dramatic,” I murmur. “I was just fishin’ for compliments.”
Connor growls, his grip tightening on my jaw. “You little shite—”
I smirk, feeling some of the weight ease, feeling the warmth take over.
Then I arch a brow, dragging my nails lightly over his wrists, watching the way his jaw clenches, the way his breath catches. “Now will you kiss me again, you bastard?”
Connor’s face splits into another grin so bright before he crashes his mouth onto mine, and everything else disappears.