14
We arrived in Pennsylvania just in time for spring break. Easter is on the late side this year. And for whatever reason, Carmine had no work scheduled. And that was exceedingly uncommon.
I love Key West, and I made Ellen make a few calls; notice how I said that?
See, I am teachable, and Ellen called Byron, who has contacts, and Carmine and I were on the jet to Key West and a week totally alone.
OK, Claire and Angel are joining us for the last few days.
But we get those important days first, when we desperately need them.
Byron booked us into a small, exclusive resort, the type that he uses for his on site locations, and he has shot at this one.
Our cottage has two bedrooms, one with double twins, perfect for the twins.
Ours was king sized and opened onto a private deck with a jacuzzi and a fifteen yard walk to a pool, which was exclusive to the cottage.
And Carmine and I settled down immediately. The first full day, we never got out of bed or dressed except to eat, and we ordered in. So even they did not think it was much.
You can imagine what we did. I do not kiss and tell. OK? Write your own memoir if that is what you are looking for.
On the second day, it was a bit of a breeze, so Carmine and I did the long walk on the beach in shorts, a flowing white top, and a sun hat that was constantly blowing off. And there was not a single bloody fucking photographer, thank God. Otherwise, it would have been a cover, I am sure.
“Carmine, OK, the truth now: how is your mother? No more bull, you can’t hide the truth.”
“Shannon, the truth. Shannon, I am scared as hell. I am scared that she is going to die. But I am just as scared that she is not going to die.”
“Explain?”
“Well, she is in such bad shape that I can not imagine her being here tomorrow, but she keeps surviving; that is Mom. She never stopped trying. It was just that she was weaker on the drugs and drink than she could have been.
But she tried to work and take care of both of us when she could and even when she could not. That is what the community saw in her: that she did hold herself responsible for a kid she never really wanted.”
“But now Shannon, she is fading. The woman I visit isn’t even a shell of my mother. It’s her body, but the drugs have removed my mother. And it hurts so bad. And I have to believe that dying is best for both of us. I know, Shannon, I know that I have to walk away from her.
Your mother has me seeing professionals now, and that is the advice that I am being given. I, Carmine, have to take care of myself, of Carmine. But my grandparents? They really are not interested in me. And there is no one else left. If my mother dies, I lose all connection, all sense of family.”
And that talk set deeply within me. I understood what she was feeling, what Carmine was saying. I get it; I really do get it. Carmine has needs that she is going to suffer from when the needs inevitably overwhelm her.
I get that. When Carmine’s mother passes, now I have met her grandparents; they are never, ever going to be there for her. They did not recognize Carmine as their granddaughter because she was almost certainly the child of rape, and her grandmother demanded that Carmine’s mother abort.
I get that. I get all of that. If living as a woman these last six or whatever months has taught me anything, it is that women, well, women are not all the same. Some are like Carmine. Some like her mother, others like her grandmother.
But what I was really reflecting on is myself.
What are my responses to Carmine?
And what really dug down to the deepest levels is: are those feelings male or female?
I woke up the next morning, our second morning in Key West, asking myself, “Shannon, what kind of woman do you want to be?”
And I started to realize that I did have that ultimate choice. If I chose to live as a woman, to be seen as a woman, to be treated as a woman, didn’t I owe those who did so the courtesy to be the best woman I could be?
Take my father, for instance; he had a son.
He never once said a single word telling me that girl Shannon was wrong, or that I hurt him.
And my mother, what have her responses been except for love?
Mom pinned me into my sorority, and for me, that means one hell of a lot because that means that she, my mother, considers me a sister, a woman equal to her.
Younger perhaps, with far less maturity, but still a woman.
And then there are my two sisters, who have done everything that is in their power to make my life what it is today.
What type of woman do I owe them for what they have given to me?
And finally, Shannon, she proposed to me on her knee with a ring long before I was ready to propose to her. What do I owe her?
What kind of woman would be best for the most important person in my life?
Carmine has made it clear that she is either bisexual or pansexual. But she accepts me and loves me as me. There was not a single instance of regret on her part.
Carmine sees me as a woman, also. And I owe it to her to be the one that she needs now.
Not in five years. Not in ten years. But now.
Later that morning, we were in the pool, or rather, we had been in the pool and were beside it reading under the palm trees and the shade they provided.
“Carmine, I have two questions for you. And love, they are very important to me. OK?”
“Shannon, everything you say is important.” She replied with a smile, humoring me, I am sure.
“Shannon, first is something that Lowri brought up, and I have not had time to talk to you about. But we need to.”
“What’s that, love?”
“Carmine, do you want children?”
“Well, I was assuming that I do, but given everything we know about you, if that is an issue, I could live with that. But if you are asking my opinion, I always assumed kids.”
“Even after your mother?”
“You know, Shannon, my mother was actually good; it was circumstances that got the better of her.
She sacrificed everything that she had for me, until drugs and drink.
But she really was a good mother. Look, most kids from homes like mine do not earn scholarships, OK, that was my mother’s doing.
That is what she wanted for me. Not for herself, but for me.
“And yes, I honor that, and yes, I would like to pass that style of mothering on to my children, not the drugs or drink, but the dedication to better yourself to the limits of what you can do.”
“Carmine, I want kids also.”
“And then this is going somewhere else if I am not greatly mistaken.”
“Lowri asked if I had banked my sperm.”
Carmine set the book she was reading down, and then sat up and looked at me.
“Shannon, before I answer, I have a question: do we need to? Are you considering something that would make that move necessary in our future?”
“Considering Carmine, considering. No decision as of yet, but Lowri was talking to me about hormones and if I do go that route…”
“Well, she is correct. If you start on hormones, you damn well better have saved your sperm because if I have a half dozen brats, they are going to be yours, do you understand that missy? If I am going to have children, they are going to be our children. Not someone else’s.
I will not carry a child that is not born to your sperm, provided that your sperm is viable now.”
“OK, then I think that answers that question. I will have Dad start the process.”
“What I am surprised at, Shannon, is that it took you this long to start considering hormones. They will extend your career; Evonne made that very clear. And look, let’s be honest. You, Shannon O’Conner, are happy, and you are not leaving this world that you fell into. And nor am I.”
“OK, remember I said two questions?”
“Yes, and your second question, dearest Shannon?”
“When is the wedding? I am totally free in August.”
“Then it looks like I need to clear my schedule for August, now doesn’t it?”
And she lay back down, picked up her book, and started reading. I sat there for about five minutes and just stared at her.
“What? Shannon, do you think this changes anything between us? Getting married, that is a formality. Doing it in August is a convenience.”
“But not telling your mother is a death threat.”
About a half hour later, Carmine spoke again.
“And Shannon, your mother and I believe that the flat down by the creek below the stone barn is large enough for a wedding tent, and we think that is where you and I should get married.”
I just sat there for a few minutes, very long minutes, mind you, thinking of what Carmine had just said, and then I finally responded, “Really?”
And she, after an appropriate time, responded, “Really.”
And I allowed that pause to occur again, but before I could make a comeback, Carmine added, “But we were thinking September, but I suppose that for you, August is a bit better.
“Well, the first week in September is New York, followed by London, Milan, and then Paris in four weeks or so. And that is a big money making period and important for my career, but if you want, I can talk to Ellen…”
“Shannon, no, or as I learned long ago in the gay bars of Pittsburgh, not only no, hell no. Shannon, we are doing nothing, absolutely nothing to interfere with your career. Do you understand that?”
“Shannon, look, I grew up the daughter of a poor white trash dyke on the wrong side of the tracks in Pittsburgh. I spent an entire life dreaming of getting the fuck out of there. And then I found you, and I watched you stumble into a multimillion dollar A list career,
and you want me to come along with you.”
“Shannon, I want to make one thing extremely clear to you. I do not care who you become. I do not care what sex you decide that you are. I do not care what gender speaks to you. I do not care if you are my wife or my husband. I, Carmine, want to spend my life with you.
And this is not because you are lucky or rich or whatever; it is because you are simply the best person, who right now is a woman in a bikini, not a man, that you can be all of the time.”
“I damn well know that you will never cheat me or ignore our children. I know damn well that you will accept me in whatever I choose to do, and for the record, it will not be modeling. Modeling is fine right now and gives me the money that I desperately need.
But it is not the end all of who and what I am.”
“However, girlfriend, it is you. You, as a girly girl who loves fashion, and you are good at it. You look the part, you act the part. And everyone loves you.”
“And I do not know why I feel this so damn strongly; you would trade that career for anything I want instantly.”
“But I do not want you to. I want you to be you and for me. However, that definition of you is yours to make, not mine. So about hormones, if you want? Sure. If you decide on more surgery down the road? I will accommodate your choice; you would not be my first. Believe me, I was raised in a gay bar.
I know what the reality is.”
“I want you to be happy and be you. But I want you to be my you also.”
A few days later, my sisters flew in with Kelley and Sarah.
I liked having them around. It was nice to be here for a few days without them, but still.
I sleep better when I know one of them is watching my back.
But I also like to get away from them for a while.
We, Carmine and I, chose those trips without security because we needed the time to talk.
And, well, obviously we have. Was more said? Of course, more was said. A lot more was said. But again, some things are not for sharing. And we reserve the right to have a private life.