23
The minute that Carmine and I returned to the farmhouse for the summer, my mother took over. “Ok, we are about 78 days out from your wedding. And since, like yourselves, I am off for the summer, I am devoting myself to teaching Cleo’s daughters to ride...”
“Mom?”
“Ok, I will make that the secondary project. Just wanted to see your reaction.”
“Girls, we do have a problem. I need to know who is going to do what and who is wearing what. And I really need to know if my child is male or female in regard to this wedding.”
And of course, she is right.
Carmine started. “Well, I am marrying Shannon, and as I asked her, and being asked is the female role, and the fact that I damn well know Shannon has this white wedding gown to die for that will never be used if she does not wear it,
I decided to wear a white femme tux as I did for the spring formal.”
“Then, Carmine, since I can’t get a straight answer out of my daughter anymore, what is she planning on wearing? Another tux perhaps?”
“MOM!!!”
“Well, you bring this on yourself, kiddo, if you would make up your mind about things.”
“And Shannon, you also have to make a firm decision on your name. What name do you want on the invitations?”
“OK, I am legally changing my middle name to Gail. I think that was your grandmother’s name, correct?”
“No, I like Gail, but that was your father’s grandmother’s name, actually, so Shannon Gail O’Conner?”
I should clarify something: my male name was Shannon Gale O’Conner; for the Irish, Shannon and Gale are seen more as male names than female, but Gail is absolutely female. Gayle is androgynous.
“Yes. That’s a start.”
“And I have an appointment, and Carmine is coming with me to New York on Friday to see about hormones. And we will be stopping by a few clinics on Thursday to see about saving sperm before I start the hormones.”
“So you have decided on hormones?”
“Mom, I think I have little choice, and let me tell you why. I did a lot of thinking in Tahiti and on the plane coming and going. And here is my take. I save my sperm. Carmine has as many kids as she wants using my sperm.
She would have finished whatever school she wanted before that decision was made. But we raise our kids together as two mothers with no father.”
“Now, Mom, there are several truths. Neither Carmine nor I care about heterosexual penetrative sex. Carmine was raised by a lesbian in a gay bar. She knows exactly what she wants and does not want. And I really don’t care about sex in that fashion. Yes, it is important,
but I am never going to be the big macho man who counts his value based on how many women he has screwed. I want what you gave us, a stable, long family that is capable of being the family they want to be.”
“And Mom, that was one of the things that you gave us. This home, this place. However, I will be honest, I do not have a clue in the world what I would do to earn the income to afford this place, and I knew damn well that Dad sacrificed so that the four of us could live here when we were young.
I simply am not driven in any direction that would provide this experience for my family. I understand that.”
“And then Mom, I stumbled into modeling, and two things: I like modeling, and second, modeling pays extremely well.”
“With modeling, I can earn the income that allows Carmine and me to be the parents we want to be, where we want to be, and raise our children where we want to, and that is not in the back of a gay bar in Pittsburgh.”
“Ok, I can see that, Shannon, and you think that hormones will make a difference?”
“Mom, Ellen had me tested last fall, and we kept the results back from the family. Even Carmine does not know this. I did not want anyone to think that this was impacting my decision. Mom, I have a degree of androgen insensitivity. And I have been tested; my sperm is viable, not super strong,
but viable for in vitro fertilization. So we are good on that. But Mom, I do not have enough hormones in my system to be safe. And adding more testosterone would destroy my career.”
“That leaves estrogen, Mom. It really is the only way I can continue to model.”
There were two stunned women just sitting there staring at me. Neither one comprehended what I had just said.
Eventually, it was my mother who spoke first.
“I want to lay this out, Shannon, so I make no mistakes. You are partial androgen insensitive, and that is why your body is shaped as it is and why there have been no secondary sexual characteristics. Correct?”
“Mom, that is what Ellen’s doctor told me in January. That was when I got the results back. The testing was standard for the developmental contract. The tests were repeated twice in different offices. All three tests are showing the same issues.”
“OK, so since you are androgen-insensitive, what you are saying is that you do not have enough hormones in your body for good health?”
“Mom, look at my physique. You know how I eat; do I look like a typical healthy male specimen? The doctors tell me that I run the risk of osteoporosis by the age of thirty if I do not start taking hormones. And if I took testosterone, then the levels would start a delayed male puberty.”
“And does this impact your sexuality?”
“Mom, they said yes, it does, that this would and does affect my ability to have sex and enjoy sex, but that testosterone could fix that if I went that way.”
“And Carmine, you are OK with this?”
“Elise, Mom, if I can call you that, Shannon and I do not have penetrative sex. And I am more than OK with that. We do very well sexually, and I will leave it at that. I do not want Shannon to have to deal with what I know she is dealing with. And Shannon, Ellen showed me,
said that I could never tell you, but that I needed to know the entire truth about why you were so damned beautiful...”
“I have known, and I was not going to tell you that I knew, but I can’t. I have to be honest. Both of you, I knew the preliminary results and what they meant when I asked Shannon to marry me. So I have no problem whatsoever.”
“Shannon, you know that this changes everything?”
“I know, Mom, I should have told you, but I needed to know what I wanted. And it was in Tahiti that it all made sense for the first time. I want to be me, and I think, I am not sure, but I think that I am female.”
“Shannon, why didn’t you tell us?”
“Mom, that was simple; I was dealing with understanding why I was modeling and accepting what I was going through with modeling. And I was afraid that if everyone knew, then that knowledge would put pressure on me to make decisions I was not, at the time, ready to make.
And my doctors told me that a year was not going to be critical, and we do monitor this via bloodwork. Mom, right now there are early signs of both kidney and liver damage from the lack of hormones. Reversible, and I have a few years before it is problematic.
But I do not want to be forced to do something before I was ready. And to be honest, I did not know if I wanted testosterone or estrogen at the time.”
“And now?”
“Now I would not accept testosterone to save my life.”
“And that leaves estrogen.”
“And that leaves estrogen.”
“Look, I have a lot to do to figure this all out. I am not scheduling surgery for the day after the wedding. But yes, I want to be married in my gown; I have since the minute I wore it on the runway.”
“And now that you know this truth, we can figure out all of the rest.”
“Shannon, the rest is easy. What you just did was perhaps the hardest thing you will ever be asked to do in your life.”
“Mom, are you mad at me inside? Are you disappointed with my choice?”
“Shannon, I am mad inside that you have had this issue, and I never spotted it. Never once has any doctor you have seen suggested that this is all a possibility. And I feel that in that, I have let you down. I don’t know what we could have done or would have done.
But at least we would have been able to prepare.”
“Mom, I know that you know that this means that I am just a bit intersexed. Not a lot, but enough that I am on that spectrum. Look, I am not stupid; I did my research; I have access to a university library and to the internet. I know exactly what I am.”
“And Mom, one of the things that is now believed about the intersexed is that you should never make a decision for a child, but allow them to decide which gender, sex, or combinations of sex and gender they want to be. So in truth, Mom, that is what happened.
And it appears that my body found its own solution, that being modeling as a woman. Ellen said that I am not alone in this status, that a lot of the men modeling as women who have transitioned into female models, because of the body size issue, are intersexed to some degree.
And she gave me some names of a few who are androgen-insensitive like myself.”
“OK, Shannon and Carmine, any more shocks for the night? Or can we continue to planning this wedding?”
“Go for it, Mom,” I said.
“OK, help, now Angel has a summer job. I know she is doing a decent amount of shooting with you this summer, so she is not a concern. But Claire does not. And this involves both of you, Shannon and Carmine. Are you willing to hire Claire to work on your wedding full-time this summer?
I would think that some fifteen to ten thousand would make her summer. And you know the two of you, Angel and Shannon, I am talking about, have more than enough money, and that makes it a bit hard for Claire to feel like part of the family right now.”
“OK, I say thirty thousand. Carmine?”
“I don’t think thirty thousand is enough to put up with you for three months, and love, I’ll kick in the rest. I have it now; the last three months were really good to me since the Mercer Studio started letting me use it. And this summer, I am booked solid at Mercer, and on location,
I will not be available to do much of anything. Plus, there is also my mom. I want to give Claire forty-five thousand for the next three months.”
“I’m good with that, Mom?”