Chapter 20
TWENTY
“Mack!”
I stop, but I don’t turn, even when I hear the car door slam shut before his boots head my way. He doesn’t stop until I feel the heat of his body against my back, and I shiver despite my determination.
It was so stupid to get in that car with him. I should have walked away and pretended I never saw him, but he looked so lost, I couldn’t. Even if I wanted to move on, my heart wouldn’t let me.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry that I can’t be what you want.” His words are breathless and rushed, and I freeze. He usually ignores this thing between us. He knows how I feel, but he pretends not to notice, as if ignoring it will make it go away, but in fact, all it does is make me feel stupid and hurt.
The fact that he’s acknowledging it gives me enough bravery to face him. He looks nervous, his eyes darting around as he shifts from foot to foot, and I know I need to find out how he feels. Why can’t he let himself feel for me? He wants me. I know he does.
You don’t kiss someone the way he kissed me unless there is something there.
If I know why he won’t admit it, maybe we’ll stand a chance.
“Why? Tell me why?” I demand, my brow furrowing.
“I just . . . can’t,” he says, so I roll my eyes and turn away, but his arms slip around me and I freeze.
They anchor me to him as his chest presses against my back.
One hand clutches my chest, the other my waist. “You have no idea how I wish I could be what you need and want, but this is for the best. I’m not doing it for me, baby, but for you.
You’ll understand one day. I want you to be happy, Mackie, even if it means watching you move on with someone else. ”
I stiffen, and he sighs, pressing his head to mine for a moment as his warmth seeps into me. “Conan is a good man. Evan says so. I hope he makes you happy. I really do. If he ever hurts you, let me know and I’ll handle him.”
“Why?” I beg, my heart aching. How many times is this man going to push me away? How many times am I going to let him break my heart?
“Because I couldn’t bear to see you hurt,” he replies, his voice hushed, and now his embrace feels more like a trap than protection.
Turning in his arms, I look up at him, knowing my eyes are filled with tears. I’m a masochist, lingering here just to feel him one more time. His words, though, hurt more than any touch of his ever could. “You can’t stand to see me hurt, yet you keep hurting me. How does that make sense?”
He flinches, but I don’t take it back.
“It’s different.” He steps away from me, his fingers lingering on my skin before tightening into fists at his sides.
Gone is the man I kissed. Gone is the man who chased and held me.
There are two Noahs, and I never know which one is real.
I can’t figure out why he keeps pushing me away, saying it’s for the best, but if I back down now, this will be the end of it, so I step forward.
“How? How is it different? You know how I feel about you.”
“Mackie,” he warns.
“No,” I snap, and his eyes widen. “Does me not saying it make it less true? Does it make it easier? For you, maybe, but not for me. It’s eating me up.
You’re all I think about every single fucking day and it kills me.
Every time you dismiss me, every time you walk away from me, it tears me up inside, and what?
You don’t want to talk about it? Tough shit.
You don’t get to hide from everything. Saying I should move on doesn’t make you a hero or a martyr, Noah.
It makes you an asshole. You’re making decisions for me without asking me.
You’re dismissing my feelings like they have no value. ”
“I’m trying to protect you!” he yells, his eyes flaming. He’s so beautiful, but it only hurts now. “Can’t you see that? I’ve always tried to protect you.”
“I don’t need you to protect me. I need you to stop pushing me away and lying to me.
I need you to tell me the truth, because I’m going fucking crazy!
” I admit before I take a deep breath and try to rein in my shouting.
“Every time I walk away, you drag me back in, and it isn’t fair.
” A sob escapes, and I see tears brimming in his eyes.
Noah closes the distance between us and pulls me into his arms. I fight him, but he continues to hold me.
“I know. I’m sorry.” He repeats it until I stop struggling, my fists on his chest, and it’s like everything in me finally notices. He might be holding me, but he still won’t give in to me.
He will never give us what we want, and I’m tired of being the only one fighting for this.
“You will never give me a chance, will you? You’ll never be brave enough to face whatever this is.”
He startles, holding me tighter for a moment, and my heart soars. “It’s for the best.” Everything comes crashing down, and I hear the finality in his voice.
I’m such an idiot.
I won’t keep fighting for something that’s already dead. Love shouldn’t hurt like this. It shouldn’t come with constraints. It’s not a game of tug-of-war. It shouldn’t leave bruises, but it does, and I’m tired.
I want to be happy. I want someone to love me. I want to know where I stand with the person I like and feel safe and secure.
How many times have I told myself I’m done with him? Too many to count, but this time, I mean it.
I step back, and his hands drop, balling at his sides as if he’s stopping himself from reaching for me. “Baby, I—”
“Fine,” I interrupt, swiping my hand through my hair to control my anger. “Fine, have it your way, Noah. Just don’t come back to me when you regret it. Remember this moment right here. You could have had everything, but you were too fucking scared to take it.” I turn on my heel and stalk away.
I finally let the tears fall as the last dregs of my hope fall with them.
I skipped work. It’s the first time I have ever done that, but I couldn’t face Noah today, and since he doesn’t call, I’m assuming he’s covering for me. It’s all I’ll ever get from him, and right now, I don’t care.
I want to be alone.
I turned my phone off after the tenth call from Skylar, not ready to talk to anyone. If I do, I might scream or cry. Everything is shattering around me and I feel lost. Noah has been my anchor for a long time, and now that I’ve let him go, I don’t know where it leaves me.
Everything feels wrong, distant, and overwhelming.
When there’s a knock at my door, I ignore it at first. The only person who knows where I am is Skylar, and I’m not in the mood to deal with him today, but it comes again. Heaving myself off the couch, I pad over to the door and rip it open. “Skylar, leave me—” I stop as I meet Conan’s worried eyes.
His hand is raised to knock again, but he looks incredible.
“Hi.” His eyes drop to my bare chest, since I didn’t bother getting dressed, and for a moment, he just stares before he raises his gaze to mine.
“Sorry. I tried to call, but it wasn’t going through.
I was concerned, so I thought I’d swing by. Are you okay?”
“I—” My mouth snaps shut.
“Mackie?” he murmurs.
I want to lie, but I shake my head. “Not really,” I admit.
His face softens, and he seems to nod to himself before moving past me and into my apartment. Spinning, I stand by the open door as he heads inside, taking in the mess I’ve made since last night. Embarrassment fills me, but when he turns to me, there’s no judgment. “How about some food?”
“Uh, sure,” I reply, unsure what to do as I shut the door and pick up some things as I go.
He heads to the kitchen before turning to me. “Sorry, it probably wasn’t okay to just stop by,” he says as I find my shirt on the back of the couch and tug it on.
“No, it’s okay. I actually really appreciate it.” He cared enough to come over. He checked on me, and it makes my heart melt. As I stare at him, I realize Noah was right. He’s a good man. Maybe I deserve someone nice.
Maybe I should move on.
There’s no time like the present. I need to prove to myself and Noah that I can live without him and find someone else. “I’m glad you’re here.”
Conan is . . . simple. There’s no struggle, no ugly lies or truths, just him. He’s the quiet in a stormy life.
Leaning against the island, he watches me as I awkwardly stand here, unsure what to do or say.
“How about we get out of here?” Conan suggests. “When I feel overwhelmed, that’s what I do—change of environment. Let me take your mind off whatever is bothering you.”
I glance down and wince. I haven’t showered, and I definitely don’t look good enough to be at his side. He chuckles as if sensing my thoughts and heads over to me. “Go shower. There is no rush. I can wait.”
“Okay.” I hesitate. “If you, um, get bored, the TV is there—”
“Go.” He chuckles, and I hurry off.
I rushed as much as I could, but I also wanted to look good. Sometimes if I do, I feel better, so after slipping on my leather jacket and shoving my keys and wallet in my jeans pocket, I head downstairs, only to freeze.
Conan’s sleeves are rolled back and he’s drying off the island. My entire living room and kitchen are sparkling clean, the pots are gone, the flowers are watered, and the blankets are folded. He even fluffed the pillows.
I stop at the bottom. “You didn’t have to clean.”
He turns to me and smiles. “When I’m struggling, my house doesn’t look its best either.
Sometimes it’s too difficult to do the simple things, and they become overwhelming and only add to the stress.
They weren’t wrong when they said a clean house is a clean mind.
It helps me, and I figured it might help you.
I don’t mind if it can comfort you a little. You’d do the same for me.”
Fuck.
I could fall in love with a man like him.
No matter how nice he is to me, though, I keep expecting him to pull away, just like Noah does. He keeps proving me wrong, however, even while I look for the trap.
“You look amazing by the way,” he remarks. “Let me just put this away and we’ll go.”
I nod, and when he’s done, he grabs my hand.
“Is this okay?” I nod again, and he chuckles as he grabs his stuff and tugs me out the door.
I lock up, and he doesn’t release my hand as he leads me out of the apartments and to his car.
Conan opens the door for me, and I slide inside.
Leaning in, he fastens my seatbelt and kisses my forehead before hurrying around to the driver’s seat then pulling out into traffic.
I watch him the entire way, letting him take me wherever he wants.
Conan is beautiful in an otherworldly, old-school type of way. He also makes me feel happy and safe. There are no tricks or traps with him, just what you see. I also like the way I feel when he touches and kisses me and when he looks at me and does things for me.
I don’t love him, I don’t even know if I’ll be able to, which isn’t fair to him, but I don’t want to let him go either.
I guess I’m as much of an asshole as Noah.
When we park, I have no idea where I am, but Conan walks around and takes my hand again, leading me into the five-story building.
He walks straight to the elevator, clearly knowing where he is going, and we get off on the top floor.
It’s a restaurant, but I know nothing other than that.
He murmurs to the ma?tre d’ and within seconds, we are led to a table inside.
It looks more like a bar than a restaurant, but the atmosphere is amazing.
It definitely matches him, decorated in wood tones with plants and flowers everywhere.
It screams boho in a sleek, upscale way, and the wood table we sit at is clearly handmade.
The menus are placed into our hands, one simple sheet, but as I scan it, it all looks amazing, and my hunger returns, reminding me I haven’t eaten since dinner yesterday.
“What’s good here?” I ask.
“Everything. My friend is the chef, and he’s really talented,” he replies.
“Your friend?” I ask curiously.
Conan nods and smiles. “I’ll take you to meet him later. For now, how about I order for you?” I nod, and he heads off to do that. When he comes back, I don’t know what to say. I feel awkward and unsure.
I’m quiet, but he doesn’t seem to care. In fact, he seems determined to bring me out of my funk.
He talks to me about anything and everything, not letting the conversation lapse.
He talks more than I’ve ever heard him speak.
He usually just listens to me yap, and I find myself smiling. Conan stops mid-sentence.
“There it is,” he murmurs, and I blink in confusion.
“What?”
“Your smile. I have missed it since I came over. I told you, you’re like a ball of sunshine. I’m glad you can be yourself enough around me to show when you aren’t happy, but I’m also glad I could put it back on your face,” he tells me.
I don’t know what to say to that, so I just stare, taking in his sincerity. There’s no hidden meaning, and it isn’t a game. I don’t have to worry he’ll take it back later or pretend it never happened.
Conan is easy, so why do I still feel wrong?
“Mackie?” I lift my head, blinking as I find a female next to our table. She’s in a loose suit, the tie low on her undone shirt, and her makeup is flawlessly done. I know who she is instantly.
Marina Baron, the new leader of Blizzard Racing. Apparently, she has already changed everything, and they are climbing the ranks quickly. She’s smart and has been racing since she was little, and I just gawk.
“I’m Marina,” she says, and I push to my feet.
“Baron,” I finish before clearing my throat. “I know who you are.”
“You’re adorable.” She chuckles, sparing Conan a look and nodding. She looks back at me, her eyes warm but intelligent and sharp. “I won’t keep you since you are busy, but I was hoping I’d run into you sooner or later. I never expected to see you here though.”
“You were?” I ask.
“Of course. Blizzard has always been on the top of the leaderboard but unable to beat Starfire. That will change under my leadership. We are aiming for the title. It’s a long shot, but I know talent when I see it.
If you ever want to leave Starfire, I have a guaranteed position for you.
” Pulling out a card, she hands it over.
“Don’t feel like you have to answer me or turn me down, or if you ever just want to talk about your future, call me.
You’re an incredible racer, Mackie, with a bright future ahead of you.
Don’t limit yourself at Starfire.” She nods at me and Conan, then turns on her heel and saunters away.
I simply stare, her card burning my hand like a betrayal, but as I look down at the modern writing, something dark whispers that maybe a new start is exactly what I need.
Maybe the only way to get over Noah is to move on, something I never thought I would do.