Chapter 23
TWENTY-THREE
My door crashes open way too early, and I lift my pounding head to see Skylar. Unlike his usual smile, he wears an ice-cold expression as he slams the door shut behind him, rattling the frame.
“You need to fix it right now. Seriously, we can’t do this. You need to figure out a way to make him change his mind. Stop being such an idiot before it’s too late,” he babbles, and I pinch my nose, breathing through the pain before I focus on him again.
“Skylar, Skylar,” I bark sharply until he stops talking and looks at me. “Slow down. I can’t understand what the fuck you are talking about.”
His eyes narrow into a vicious glare, and I get one of my first looks at the street kid everyone spoke about.
Skylar Warren survived on these streets for years, and sometimes that’s easy to forget since he’s always so playful, but staring into his face, I realize why he was so feared.
“Mackie is talking about leaving us and going to Blizzard, something about a fresh fucking start and moving on. I’m assuming you know what that means. ”
The words hit me like a bullet, and I slump into my seat. I knew pushing Mackie away would cause distance, but I always thought I would have him here. I never thought he would leave me.
Panic tightens my chest, making it hard to breathe and adding to my aching head. “You know this for sure?”
“I spoke to him last night. He hasn’t decided yet,” he snaps, pacing as he glares at me.
“But yeah, he’s considering it.” When I remain silent, he slams his hands onto my desk, making everything jump, including me.
“Stop being such a fucking idiot, Noah. Not only will you lose the best thing in your life, someone who loves you deeply, but your best racer as well. Is this self-righteous bullshit or whatever you’re spewing to keep him away worth it?
He loves you, and you love him! Don’t fucking deny it, I’m not stupid. ”
“It doesn’t matter,” I mumble as my eyes drop to my desk. My chest feels too tight, so I rub it. Am I having a heart attack?
“Why not, for God’s sake?” Sky demands, and when I don’t answer, he slams his hands on my desk again. “Noah!” he yells.
“Because I’m dying!” I roar as I surge to my feet and stare into his eyes, shocked I admitted it. No one knows, only my doctor. He recoils, and I sink back into my seat, rubbing my chest again as I blow out a breath.
“What?” Sky whispers.
“Enough. Get out,” I order.
“No, what the hell do you mean?” Sky retorts.
Looking up, I meet his gaze. “I’m dying,” I repeat. “I’m going to die, Skylar, and I won’t do that to him. I won’t make him love me and then break his heart like his parents did. I don’t want to lose him, but if he needs to go, then I’ll let him. I’ll do anything for him.”
He stares at me before he sinks into the chair opposite my desk. “You’re sure? There are doctors—”
“I’m sure. I’ve known since my last race, which is why I had to quit.
You’re right. I love Mackie. I love him too much to do that to him.
He lost his parents, Skylar, and it broke his heart.
Could you imagine me loving him and Mackie having to watch me die?
No, I won’t do that to him. Let him hate me.
I won’t be the reason his heart breaks again. ”
“But it already is,” Sky replies softly, “and so is yours. If what you’re saying is true, if you’re dying . . .” He stumbles over the words. “Don’t you want to be happy before that?”
“I’ve made my decision. I’m not asking you to understand, but you must respect it.
” Standing, I walk around the desk and open the door before I hesitate.
“Don’t tell anyone, especially Mackie, or I will never forgive you.
It isn’t your secret to tell.” I know he won’t, because Skylar isn’t like that, but as he stares at me, for once he looks so young.
“How long?” he asks.
“Enough.” I swipe my hand through the air. “Go back to work and don’t speak about this again. I’ll deal with Mackie.”
“By giving him permission to leave?” Sky asks as he joins me. “Is that really what you want? To spend the rest of your life, however long that is, away from the person you love?”
“No,” I admit, “but I will for him. Don’t ask me to change my mind when it took everything I had to do this.” Pushing him through the door, I shut it in his face and lean back against it.
I kept my secret since I’d learned about it, but now someone knows.
It’s only a matter of time before everyone else finds out.
Mackie . . . God, I need to let him go to Blizzard before then, if that’s what he wants. He’ll have a future there, and a coach who will stay with him until the end. Maybe it’s for the best.
The idea of not seeing his face when I walk in this garage every morning, however, rips me to pieces.
It was all I allowed myself . . . and it’s gone.
He might as well have killed me before my brain did.
When Mackie arrives for work, I find myself sneaking from my office to see him, and I consider confronting him about Blizzard. How did they even get in contact? Is he serious?
Their new manager is a ballbuster, but she’s good. Given the right drivers, they could even rank next to us, and Mackie would help her get there. It’s a good opportunity for them both, but the thought fills me with dread.
This garage isn’t home without him.
I watch him flit between staff, his laughter echoing. His smile is so bright it must hurt. He’s sunshine, always has been, but I’ve missed that. I took it away. He barely smiled anymore, but today, it’s like he’s back to his old self, and I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.
His head lifts like he feels my gaze, and his bright, unchecked smile fades as he looks at me. His eyes lose their spark. I hate that he looks so unhappy and unsure when he sees me, so I dive back into my office and hide there instead.
If Mackie wants to go to Blizzard, I will let him, but I won’t help him make that decision either.
By the time the garage empties that night, I haven’t done any work, just stared at my blank screen and tried to imagine my life and this garage without Mackie.
Grabbing my shit, I head out, hoping the drive will clear my mind, but it doesn’t do the trick, so when I stumble into my house, I grab a bottle from the top shelf and don’t bother with a glass.
I don’t usually drink. I don’t like the way it effects my fucked-up brain, but tonight calls for it.
These thoughts won’t stop. Heading outside, I pull my jeans up and dangle my feet in the pool as I take a long sip from the bottle, remembering last summer when we had a family BBQ and Mackie played in the pool all day.
He looked so happy and at home here. It was one of the best days of my life.
Now, there won’t be any more moments like that. Even if he chooses to stay, our relationship has changed. When he looks at me, there’s a barrier now.
Drawing in a breath sends agony rocketing through my chest, and I struggle to breathe. It’s like my lungs can’t expand enough, and when I try to force them to, the ache only spreads further.
Downing another big drink, I try to ignore the pain as I focus on the blue water and lights shining within.
I made this decision to protect him, but it hurts so much, and the idea of losing him forever has me spiraling. I thought I could handle it, but after looking into his miserable, dead eyes today, I’m starting to think Skylar is right.
The only people I’m hurting are Mackie and myself.
Taking another swig, I lean back and look up at the sky, wondering what he’s doing right now.
I used to tell myself I stayed away because he was so young.
I’ll admit he was beautiful when I first met him, but he was so green.
Then, we got closer as I taught him, and I ignored it until I couldn’t anymore.
I never meant to fall in love with him, but as I look up at the sky we used to watch together when he’d crash here after working late, I realize I don’t regret it.
He made my life less lonely.
In my world, where people only come to me for what they can gain, he didn’t want anything. I want to protect him, care for him, and cherish his innocence, but knowing I might be responsible for breaking that . . .
I squeeze my eyes shut and take another drink, trying to drown it out.
What the hell am I going to do?