Chapter 26 #2
“Because I felt guilty, okay?” he yells, his chest heaving as he glares up at me. “I felt so fucking guilty, and then so stupid for feeling that way.”
“Guilty?”
“I touched Conan. I sucked him off, and I enjoyed it, and then after, I felt so fucking guilty. How stupid is that?” His expression is bitter as he watches my reaction.
“I enjoyed it, and he enjoyed it, yet after I could only think about you—if you would care, if it would hurt, and even if I wasn’t, I felt like I was betraying you because I’m a fucking moron, so I went to drink to forget. ” He goes quiet.
Something in me shatters at his upset, drunken confession, and a dark, ugly feeling rises within me. I have no right to be jealous or hurt. He isn’t mine, I made sure of that, but knowing he touched someone else like that . . .
It wrecks me. I thought the thing in my head would kill me, but I was wrong.
It’s this right here, finding out he’s moved on.
“Say something,” he finally mutters.
“You are single. You can do whatever you want,” I grit out, but my voice sounds weird. He sits up, and I recoil at how close it puts us.
“I can? So why don’t I feel like that?” His lip trembles again, and he wipes his eyes as more tears fall. “I want to move on, but when I do, I feel so guilty, it hurts.” He covers his face, and his shoulders start to shake. “Why do I want to apologize? Why?”
I feel sick to my core. The idea of him touching someone else breaks every part of me, but I push it away, knowing he needs me right now. God, I did this. I broke this sweet, beautiful man.
“You did nothing wrong,” I promise, assuring him as much as myself.
He peeks at me through his fingers. “Then why do I feel like I did? I’m so messed up. I love you, yet I like Conan, and I’m hurting everyone, and I can’t do this. I can’t do this anymore—” He freezes as I lean in and kiss him. It’s a soft, chaste kiss, but I need it as much as he does.
“Fine, then let’s make it even.” I don’t even know what I’m saying, but I’m moving. He falls back on my bed, wide-eyed and shocked as I crawl over him.
Maybe it’s jealousy, pain, or anger, or maybe it’s the fact that we are both hurting and trying to keep him safe isn’t working anymore.
I can’t live without him, and he clearly can’t live without me.
Gripping his hair, I yank his head back, and he gasps, his eyes widening as he looks at me. It’s cruel and mean, just like me, but I don’t stop, especially as desire burns in his gaze. I lick his cheeks, tasting his salty tears.
This is the last time I’ll do it.
“Noah,” he whispers shakily as I press my lips to each of his swollen eyelids until they flutter shut before I kiss his salty lips.
“I lied. I remember our kiss. I think about it every single fucking day. It’s all I think about.
I can barely look at that corner of the garage without thinking about it.
It was the best kiss of my life, and I had to pretend not to remember to protect both our hearts, but I’m tired of hurting just to keep you away. ”
“You remember?” His eyes open and narrow. “You asshole. You lied to me. You made me feel like a total jerk!” He slaps my chest, and I let him. I don’t move as he hits me, more tears filling his eyes. “I’ve been so lost, and you remembered this entire time.”
“I wanted it as much as you did. I didn’t have a single drink that night,” I admit truthfully, and he freezes. “Not like you, though, I used it as an excuse to kiss you, but you’re here, in my bed, and I meant it. We’ll get even so your guilt goes away and this sick feeling inside me is gone.”
He looks at me, confused and hurt, and I don’t blame him, but I can’t stop. Everything I tried so hard to fight and all the reasons why rise up, but none of it matters, not with his taste on my lips.
I fought not to admit that I love Mackie, but I’m tired and scared, and I’m done.
I’m done pushing him away, done hurting us both.
Leaning in, I breathe in his scent wrapped in alcohol. “I want to kiss you when you’re sober and we have no excuses to pretend we don’t remember, but I can’t hold back . . . not tonight.”
“Then don’t,” he whispers, and it’s all the permission I need as I kiss him.
At the first touch of his lips, I remember why it was such a hard decision to walk away.
His little moan drives me crazy as I suck on his tongue and brush mine against his.
Lying him back, I deepen our kiss, and his touch turns soft on my chest, pulling me closer as he forgets how anyone else tastes.
Sliding down, I bite his neck, and he jerks, making me grin as I move lower, pulling his shirt up to expose his abs.
I lick and kiss them as he trembles below me, then I move it up and drag his off.
I’ve seen him shirtless before, but here, in my bed, it does something to me.
I ignore my desire as I reach back and tug my shirt over my head.
His eyes dilate, and he bites his lower lip as his gaze drops to my chest.
Reaching down, I tug his lip free and soothe it with my touch. “Only I get to abuse these lips, not you,” I warn. He blinks in shock as I lean down and bite his nipple.
“Noah!” he cries out, arching up as I soothe the sting with my tongue before nipping his chest and biting his other nipple until he wiggles below me.
I can hear his heart pounding, and I love the effect I have on him.
If he only knew he had the same effect on me, he’d understand the control he truly has over me.
Kissing lower, I slide my tongue along the waistband of his jeans as I look up at him. His eyes are crazed, and his chest is red from my abuse.
His gasp fills the air as I sink my teeth into his taut skin, unable to help myself. He’s just so fucking beautiful and young. “I’m still too old for you, kid,” I admit, but it doesn’t stop me.
“So what? I like to help the elderly,” he teases as my eyes narrow.
“Elderly? I’ll show you,” I snap as I undo his jeans and shove them down, removing them and his boxers.
Leaning back, I eye him, taking in my fill. I’ve imagined him like this so many times and dreamed about every single dirty thing I would do to him, but seeing him like this is different. It’s real and so much better.
He’s a work of art.
No wonder the photographer couldn’t help himself. I don’t think anyone could when faced with him.
His thighs are hairless and so fucking sexy and long, and his cock begs for my attention, against his washboard abs. As Mackie fists my bedding, I know I’ll never move on now.
I’ll never be able to let him go, but I don’t care.
Sliding my lips up his thigh, I avoid his throbbing length and kiss down his other leg until he reaches for me, my name a whine on his lips.
I can’t stand the wild, needy look on his face.
Envy and jealousy urge me on despite me waiting to take my time.
Sliding up, I settle between his thighs, grasp his length, and sweep my mouth across his tip.
I taste his precum as he gasps and jerks in my hold.
Tightening my hand, I slide my fist down to his base, holding him still as I lick and suck his tip until his hips lift.
“Noah, please!” he begs, his voice echoing around my bedroom.
He tasted Conan, but I’m going to taste Mackie first.
Opening my mouth, I swallow him to the very back of my throat, watching as his eyes roll back in his head. His hands fist the sheets as his hips jerk. Smug satisfaction fills me, knowing the bastard photographer hasn’t had this yet. It’s petty but true.
One of his hands releases my sheets and grips my hair tightly, but I ignore the pain it causes in my sensitive head. I slide my mouth off his cock then swallow him again, and he lifts his hips, moving with me.
I don’t speak, afraid of what I would say, so instead, I show him he’s mine as I bob my head, working his length hard and fast as he cries out.
“Fuck, I’ve wanted this for so long,” he growls, looking desperate and so fucking sexy as he cries my name. “I wanted you so badly. Please, Noah, please call me your baby and make me come.”
Fuck.
I grind my length into my bed, trying to ignore my longing as I suck him harder, reaching for his balls as he cries out, shoving himself deeper into my mouth.
Sliding off his length, I kiss the tip of his dick and smirk as he watches me, his eyes hazy and wild.
Gripping his chin, I force his eyes to meet mine. “You are my baby. You always have been and always will be,” I growl. “Now, come for me. Let me taste you, give me enough to get me through the night without becoming a total asshole and taking you when you’ve been drinking.”
“I don’t care,” he protests.
“But I do. When I fuck you, baby, you will be completely sober and able to remember every minute. Our kiss won’t taste like your tears, and the memory of someone else won’t hang over us.”
I suck him into my mouth and let him take over, let him use me, as he thrusts wildly into my mouth. My cheeks hurt, but I hold on, watching as he comes apart. His eyes squeeze shut, his lips part on a cry, and his chest heaves. His hand tightens in my hair, and then he spills down my throat.
The sight and taste are so fucking exquisite, I want to do it again, but he slumps into my bed, shaking with aftershocks. After swallowing his cum, I pop my mouth free, licking his length clean of every drop, then I crawl up his body, kissing his pounding heart then soft lips.
“Good boy, baby,” I praise as I kiss him again gently. “Now get some sleep, okay? No more tears or guilt. Think of nothing but us tonight.” Tugging him into my arms, I give in to my guilty pleasure and wrap myself around him.
He’s stiff at first before he sighs and relaxes.
Mackie falls into a deep sleep, and I pull him closer, pressing my lips to his hair. There’s no going back now, but I worry about what it means for the morning. Will he be the one who walks away now? Will he go to Conan?
Will I lose him before I ever really have him?
It’s my own fault, yet he’s in my arms right now, and that’s what I focus on as I finally breathe again since the moment he turned away from me.