Chapter 51
FIFTY-ONE
The room is silent. My eyes remain locked on the doorway where Mackie just escaped. I stumble forward to follow him, but Henry stops me, pushing me back to the bed. “You need to rest. I’m sure he doesn’t want to see you right now, so I’ll go, okay?”
“I need to explain!” The idea of Mackie walking out the door and never coming back has the pounding in my head intensifying.
“Later,” he snaps. “Sit now or I’ll get someone to cuff you.”
I sink into the bed, burying my head in my hands as he leaves. Conan and my dad are still here, but I can’t stop tears from filling my eyes.
I should reassure my father, but Mackie is all I can think about.
The look on his face as he backed away from me, lost and broken, destroys me, ripping me to pieces.
I thought I was doing the right thing by not telling him.
There was nothing he could do to fix this and he would obsess over it.
He would be scared and watch me every day.
He wouldn’t be happy with me like he was.
I just wanted us to have a life to last a thousand years, so when my time came, I had no regrets, but now I’m alone and terrified I made the biggest mistake of my life by being stubborn.
“Son, he isn’t lying?” my dad whispers, and I lift my head, tears trailing down my cheeks. “Oh fuck, he isn’t, is he?”
“I’m sorry, Dad,” I whisper as he sinks backwards. Conan catches him and guides him to a chair. “I didn’t want to worry you.”
He doesn’t speak, and I swallow. My attention is split between my father and where Mackie just left. I need to go after him. I need him to understand. I need to fix this.
“Okay, okay. We know now, so we can . . . I need to make some calls.” My dad stands abruptly. “I’m on a few boards. I can get some second and third opinions. Don’t worry, your father will handle this. You’ll be fine.”
It’s what my dad does, focusing on things he can control. I know he’s doing it to cope, so I let him. I watch him leave, determined to call every surgeon and doctor in the world until he can fix me. If only he could fix my breaking heart as well . . .
Rolling my lips in, I stare at the door, hoping Mackie will come back in.
I’d even take him screaming at me, anything as long as he was here.
He doesn’t, though, and my heart shatters.
Slumping back in the bed, I feel my chest heave with the force of my sobs.
Conan doesn’t say anything, and neither do I.
After all, what is there to say? We aren’t friends.
We just love the same man. It ties us together in a way nothing else will.
Conan stays, which surprises me. He sits silently at my bedside, and I stare up at the ceiling, tears trailing down my cheeks into my hair until the silence drives me insane. “What? Not going to shout at me?”
“No, I’m sure you’re doing that enough for all of us,” he murmurs. “I finally understand what you meant and why you were relieved when Mackie wanted to date both of us. You knew if you died, he would still have me.”
Swallowing, I look at him, and he sighs.
“You’re an idiot, Noah. Even if he had me, it wouldn’t fix his broken heart from losing you. Mackie loves me, but we aren’t each other’s first loves. We are a steady kind, but you? You’re his first, his great love. It would ruin him if he lost me, but losing you would kill him.”
I shake my head, not wanting this conversation right now.
“You need to rest,” Conan mutters. “Get some sleep. I’ll check on Mackie.”
He leaves as well, and I’m alone and so fucking scared, I can’t breathe.
I must have fallen asleep at some point because when I wake up, the lights are down low and I can tell time has passed. Turning my head, I find my blankets shuffled around me, and Conan sits at my side. He meets my eyes before turning, and I follow his gaze.
Relief floods me when I see Mackie.
He is curled up on the couch with his back to me, clearly asleep.
“He cried himself to sleep.” Conan’s voice is low, but it demolishes me like nothing else.
“He wouldn’t leave. He doesn’t want to talk to you right now, but he couldn’t leave you alone,” Conan says before looking at him.
“You never planned to be in his life forever, Noah, and you wanted me to piece his heart back together when you died.”
“I had no choice—”
“Bullshit, that’s selfish. I heard the doctor. There’s a treatment.”
“It could kill me!” I freeze, glancing at Mackie. I don’t want to wake him. He needs sleep.
Conan looks at him before sighing, his voice low and slow.
“And this won’t kill you? Noah, you’re going to die.
You realize that, right? Are you really willing to do this to Mackie?
He would never recover. He loves you so much.
I lost someone I love, and I can tell you, it isn’t something you ever get over.
Don’t do this to him. Get the damn treatment and live a long life with him . . . with both of us. He needs you.”
Looking away, I admit something I never have before, not even to myself. “I’m scared.”
I hear him sigh, and his hand touches my arm. “Are you more scared of dying or losing him? That’s your choice right now. I know why you kept this from him, but you weren’t protecting him. You were protecting yourself. You’re stubborn, rude, and selfish—”
“Fuck, thanks,” I grumble.
“So be a little more selfish. Fight and win and keep him forever. Please, Noah, don’t break his heart.
” That drags my gaze back to him, and he squeezes my arm.
“I’m going to get some coffee. Don’t fuck this up again, Noah.
You break that boy’s heart any more, you’ll never get it back.
” Standing, he heads over to Mackie and places a gentle kiss on his head before shooting me a glare and walking to the door.
He’s right, and his words echo in my head, calling me on my selfishness and feeling sorry for myself.
I was scared, and I reacted badly. I hid it from the people who love me and ran from what could save me, and now it might cost me everything.
I can’t take it. Pulling the blankets back, I place my bare feet on the cold floor and silently move over to the sofa.
From this angle, his face is covered by his hair, so I gently brush it away, wincing when I see his swollen eyes.
I did that, and yet he stayed. I hurt him, yet he’s still here.
It has to mean something. It has to mean we can recover from this, because the idea of living without him . . .
No. Even the thought makes me recoil. There is no me without him. There is no living without him. Despite my injuries, I slip onto the couch behind Mackie, wrapping my arm over his waist. He snuggles back for a moment, and my heart clenches until he stiffens, and I know he woke up.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper as I press my face against his neck and inhale his scent, letting it calm the storm within me. The fear and pain all disappear with him in my arms.
“You need rest.” His voice is cold and detached. I hate it. When I turn him over to face me, his eyes are empty, devoid of emotion. I took his sunshine away.
“I wasn’t going another second without you, so either I sleep here or you get in bed with me, but I’m not letting you go.” His eyes narrow, so I rush on. “I know you’re mad at me, but I need you. I’m scared, baby.”
He softens a little, and with a sigh, he sits up and climbs over me. Taking my hand, he leads me back to bed, and after I shuffle in, he slides in next to me, but the distance between us grows.
He turns away from me, which makes me feel sick, his arms wrapped around himself as he scoots to the edge of the bed to get away from me.
“Mackie—”
“Don’t, not right now. Just let me be mad,” he snaps. “You wanted me here. I’m here. Sleep.”
“You think I can sleep with you like this?” He won’t look at me, so I turn him, and he glares up at me as I bracket him with my arms so he can’t escape.
“You are the love of my life, Mackie. I love you so much, it scares me, and I’m so sorry I hurt you.
It wasn’t because I didn’t trust you. I just wanted to protect you for as long as I could.
I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. The truth was, I was scared .
. . Scared if I did, it would be true. I could ignore it if no one knew, so it almost wasn’t real. I never wanted to hurt you.”
“But you did. You hurt me,” he responds, and I flinch. “I love you, Noah, but right now, I don’t like you very much, and the fact that you lied to me for so long . . . it breaks my heart. I thought you trusted me, I thought we were partners, but I guess I was wrong.”
“I do,” I say. “I trust you in a way I’ve never trusted anyone, not even myself.
Mackie, I hoped it wasn’t true. I started to believe it wasn’t.
I just pushed it away, but then you came into my life, and I started to be afraid—afraid you would find out and leave me or I’d leave you—so I kept you at a distance, even when I fell for you.
I pushed you away to protect you. I didn’t want you to love me and break your heart if I .
. . if I died. I thought I could do it, but I realized I couldn’t.
I love you too much. I wanted you even if it was selfish.
I told myself it was okay because you had Conan, and he could help when or if that time came.
I deluded myself into it, allowing myself to be happy and ignoring everything else.
You are all that matters to me. I never thought—” Looking away, I blink back my tears.
“I’m scared, baby. I’m so scared. I don’t want to die.
I don’t want to leave you. I’m just so scared and so sorry. ”
“You’re a fucking idiot.” His words make me chuckle, even as he glares at me.
“Did you think by keeping this from me, it would help? I love you, Noah, so much it honestly terrifies me. It borders on obsession, and yet I didn’t know about the most important thing in your life.
I feel so dumb. I feel like everything is different, and I’m so fucking mad at you for keeping this from me and not getting the surgery.
If you thought there was any universe where I would just accept you dying, then you are wrong.
We will face this together, and we will do what’s necessary to get you better, no matter what it takes. ”
“And after?” I whisper.
“We’ll get there when we do. All I know is I still love you, but I’m hurt and mad and that won’t go away anytime soon.”
“Neither will I,” I murmur as I place my hand on his. He doesn’t slap me or push me away, which I take as a good sign. “I’ll make it up to you.”
“You need to be alive to do that,” he whispers as he cups my cheeks. “Do you hear me? I won’t forgive you, not until you’re healing, then you can apologize and I’ll consider it, so you have to live. I command it.”
“Well then, how could I do anything else?” I whisper as I close my eyes. “I’ll get the surgery. I’ll do whatever it takes. I want to live, I always have, with you by my side, even if you’re mad at me.”
“Furious,” he corrects.
“Yet you didn’t leave.” My eyes flutter open to meet his, which have softened a fraction. I know it will take a while to get back to how we were, but I’m willing to work for it. I’ll do whatever it takes.
“I haven’t left you yet, not ever, so why would I start now?” he grumbles. “Get some sleep. In the morning, we’ll come up with a plan.”
Lying down, I open my arms, and he rolls his eyes but curls into them, resting his head on my chest. I can finally breathe again. I hold him tightly, and neither of us lets go.
“I’ll spend my life fixing what I broke today,” I whisper to him. “I mean it, sunshine. I love you so much.”
“Still mad,” he grumbles, but I feel him relax. “I’ll be here when you wake up.”
That’s all I need to hear. I can face whatever comes next as long as I have him. I’ve been scared since I got the diagnosis, scared of what’s living inside my head, but the fear in my heart eclipsed that tonight when I realized everyone who loves me would be left in ruins by my selfish actions.
I’m going to stop being scared and selfish. I’m going to face this, whatever the outcome.