Silence #2
And because my brain is cruel and this is the worst time to over-analyze my life, I wonder about kids.
There’s an age-old, annoying expectation that at this point, Zayden and I should be thinking about having them.
And of course, the conversation has come up, but we put a pin in it the day I found out about him being a contract killer.
And even if he had a nine-to-five job that was as boring as can be, with my upbringing, I’m not sure I want to bring a child into this world.
I would never ever treat my kid the way my dad treated me. If anything, I’m worried I’ll go in the total opposite direction in a desperate attempt not to be my father. And I wonder sometimes whether that’s just as bad.
Now it’s even more complicated. This new dynamic with his brothers … what does it mean? We said it would stay in the safe house, but can it?
Xavier admitted his feelings for me. I’ve admitted them to him. And while Yale and I haven’t had the conversation, it’s definitely on the table. From what Xavier said, Zayden knows. He supports it.
But I don’t know what that looks like. Are we together? Are we all in a relationship? My heart lifts at the idea of having them with me forever.
And maybe it’s the societal expectations that are making me doubt that it can work, but what if it can’t? What if we try and we fail and our relationship is changed forever?
This isn’t just a marriage that we’re putting on the line. It’s our family.
“Your brain is ticking away,” Mercy says. “I know we’ve just met, but I’m extremely open-minded and quite wise when I want to be.”
I force a smile. “I believe you. But honestly, I don’t think I have the emotional range or the physical energy to go into the absolute mess that is my life right now.”
Mercy carries a stack of clothing over to a bureau. “I know that feeling, honey.”
I spot a small white box with a clear film front in Mercy’s suitcase and stand to examine it further. Inside are ten acrylic nails painted beautifully.
“These are stunning.” I look over at her. “Did you make them?”
She nods enthusiastically and shows me her nails. The press-ons that she’s wearing are darker than the ones in the box but equally as pretty.
“Who says we can’t kill people in style?” She tops the question off with a spectacular grin, and I laugh again. “They’re made of arsenic.”
I drop the box.
“Made of what?”
She strides over to the suitcase and picks up the box I’ve abandoned, and I instantly slap it back out of her hand again. “Don’t touch it. What do you mean, they’re made of arsenic?”
“They’re a weapon,” she says, as if that’s the most normal thing in the world.
Instead of picking up the box again, she shows me her existing nails.
“The plastic is infused with arsenic,” she explains.
“Get them wet enough and they become lethal. All you need to do is drop one in a drink, a little fizz, and whoever drinks it”—she runs one of those nails across her throat—"dead.” She takes her toiletries out of the bag and strides into the en suite, calling back after her, “Makes masturbation quite tricky, though.”
Someone knocks, and I look over at Yale in the doorway.
“Getting to know each other?”
I pick up the box of nails, point to them and mouth, “Arsenic.” He pulls his brows together in confusion, and I wave my hand dismissively, planning on telling him later exactly who we’ve invited into our home.
“Mercy, I think Envy wanted to talk to you,” he says.
She gives him a thumbs-up and heads out the door like she isn’t wearing death on her fingers.
I stare after her. “That woman is terrifying. But also super nice? How does that even work?”
“People are surprising.” He moves close, cupping my neck and kissing me.
“I’m grateful everyone is here, but I wish I could have five minutes of quiet.
” He pulls me to his chest, and I wrap my arms around him, breathing him in.
It isn’t the time to talk about what’s on the tip of my tongue, but this could be our last chance alone.
“I love you, Yale.”
He kisses my head “I love you, too.”
“No … I love you.” I pull out of his embrace, and our eyes lock.
We’ve said it thousand times to each other, because I do love him, I always have, and I cannot imagine a day where he isn’t next to me or a phone call away.
But that love has depth that I was always too afraid to acknowledge or explore.
“I’m sorry I never said it before. I feel like we’ve wasted so much time. ”
Yale shakes his head, his warm hands holding my face, thumbs stroking underneath my eyes. He’s smiling, his green eyes glistening.
“I love you, too,” he says, his voice thick with emotion.
“I always have, love. But I don’t want you to think that our friendship has been me waiting for this moment, because it hasn’t.
I haven’t been holding out hope for more.
I haven’t been using our friendship as a way to keep you close.
I may have loved you a thousand different ways, but the one that always stayed close to my heart was our friendship.
And if that’s even slightly at risk by taking this further, then I won’t.
Because having you in my life is worth everything. ”
My lip trembles. My throat thickens. I never dreamed I’d want to hear those words from him, because I knew it would change everything, but of course he says the exact thing that I’m worrying about.
The worry that our friendship, the secrets shared, the midnight snacks, the endless movie marathons where we made it through maybe half a film before falling asleep …
that maybe it all added up to this small shred of hope that he might get more from me.
But Yale Silver isn’t like that. He’s the best man I know, the best brother, the best friend, and I know in my heart he’s one of the greatest loves of my life alongside Zayden and Xavier.
“Just when I thought I couldn’t love you more.” I exhale shakily. “Our friendship isn’t at risk, Yale. I think it might only get better, because I want forever with you.”
He grins. “Good. Because it’s already started.”