Chapter 5
FIVE
KNOX
Walking up the deck stairs, I wipe the sweat from my brow and pick up my discarded hoodie on the railing. I decide to bypass my place, needing some coffee before I shower and change.
Since I don’t sleep well, I’ve always been an early riser.
Last night was no exception. I tossed and turned all night until I finally gave up and went for a run just as the sun was rising.
It was bad enough I felt Savi’s presence as she lay just a few feet away from me, but I also had a straight shot into her bedroom from where I slept.
Her light was out, so I couldn’t see her, but I felt her.
God, did I feel her.
After several attempts of trying to ignore my swollen dick, I finally had to take matters into my own hand. It’s not the first time I’ve thought of Savi to get me shooting violent streams onto my stomach, and I’m sure it won’t be the last.
Miles would never speak to me again if he knew the things I imagined doing to his sister. We both know she’s too good for me, and I would rather die than taint any part of her. If having her believe I don’t want her keeps her safe from me, then I’m going to keep on making it believable.
I sense her first before I see her as I approach the main house. She’s off to the side just outside her bedroom door, curled up on a comfortable chaise with her nose in a book. Her hair is pulled back in a ponytail today, and she’s wearing pink scrubs. I never thought I was a scrub kind of guy.
Until now.
Leave it to her to make something so casual look so damn sexy.
I knew one day, she would blossom into a beautiful woman. Even as a teenager, I could tell she had something special that the other girls didn’t. What I didn’t expect were the feelings she would evoke from me as she became an adult.
Possessiveness, need, guilt, anger, adoration…all wrapped up into one fucked-up package tied neatly with a bow. Something pretty to look at but never to be touched.
Her eyes meet mine now, and I don’t miss the way the exact same emotions flit across her face briefly as her eyes fight to contain them all.
It’s no secret that the attraction is mutual as she lowers her gaze and roams over my bare chest. The lines become blurred as my body eagerly responds to the energy she is putting out.
Tearing my eyes away, I yank open the kitchen door and walk inside, desperate to get away and fight for what little control I have right now. Cold air hits my heated flesh, sending a wave of goosebumps down my damp skin as I throw the black hoodie on.
I breathe a little better now that I’m alone. The images in my head from last night are still etched into my brain, and seeing her so soon after getting off with her name on my lips is messing with me.
I need to run by the store today and get the essentials for my place, coffee being one of them, as I fill the machine with water and wait for it to brew. The less time we spend together, the better.
My things are arriving today, so once I’m done with some light ice time and weights in the gym, I can get to work on unpacking. I’m not sure how long I’ll be here, but I’m tired of living out of a suitcase and need some control back in my life.
“I’ll have one of those.” Her voice filters through the air, pulling me out of my thoughts and slamming me back into the present.
I turn and see Savi nodding at the coffee mug in my hand.
“Sure,” I say, more gruffly than I intended, as I get another mug from the cabinet. I know I shouldn’t be irritated with her just for existing. It’s not her fault that my dick won’t get the memo that it’s never going to touch her.
I brew a second cup and reach into the fridge to get her hazelnut creamer that she loves. Pouring the small amount she likes, I stir it and hand it to her.
Studying me warily, she takes a sip and leans back against the counter. The coffee warms her palms as she brings it to her lips again.
“You know how I like my coffee,” she says, tilting her head to the side. It was more of a statement than a question as she furrows her brows and tries to get a read on me.
“Took a wild guess.” I shrug my shoulders and take a sip of my black coffee. Hell will freeze over before I admit I know way more about her than I let on. That would only lead down a dangerous road, and it’s one path I’m not willing to take with her.
“You’re lying,” she says without hesitation. “What I can’t figure out is why?”
“You’re reading more into it than what it is. All girls love their fancy flavored creamers,” I say, playing it off like it’s no big deal. “Doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that out. I just assumed you were like the rest of them when I saw it in the fridge.”
Her eyes narrow, and I get the reaction I wanted. Anger is safer…more comfortable.
“I’m surprised you make your one-night stands coffee.” She storms past me and flings open the pantry before reaching inside and throwing some bread on the counter. “You seem more like the kick them out in the morning type.”
Taking three slices out, she puts them in the toaster oven and reaches for an avocado from a bowl that’s sitting in the middle of the island.
When she gets a knife and starts to slice around the oval shape before breaking it apart and spearing the seed out rather aggressively with one sharp jab of the blade, I start to doubt the whole getting her angry part now that she has a weapon in her hand.
“I don’t make them coffee, and I do kick them out.” I eye her cautiously as she sets the knife down and scoops out the green insides with a spoon.
“So…how does it work?” She bites her lip and avoids my eye contact as she busies herself with mashing up the avocado and adding a little squeeze of lemon.
“How does what work?” I ask, confused and at a total loss as to where this conversation is going.
“Do you just agree beforehand that it’s just sex, or do you just get them in your bed and ghost them the next day, leaving broken hearts all over the cities?”
“Why does this matter?”
“I’m just curious.” She pulls the toast out of the oven and spoons the green mixture onto the slices before adding some seasoning to the top. “Here,” she says, handing me two on a plate. “You need to eat something before practice.”
I stare at the plate in front of me like it’s a foreign object. No one has made me food before hockey practice since my mom died, let alone even care that I need to eat something.
“Don’t worry, Stone. I didn’t poison it.” She takes a bite of hers just to prove her point.
“Thanks,” I mumble, shoving a piece into my mouth. It’s not my normal breakfast of eggs and a protein shake, but I find myself enjoying it. “It’s good.”
“Did I just get a compliment from you?” She feigns shock, and I roll my eyes. “Hell must have finally frozen over,” she adds with a soft chuckle.
“Very funny.” I finish off the rest of my breakfast and take our empty plates to the dishwasher, placing them inside.
“I make it very clear to them that I don’t do relationships,” I say, deciding to answer her question because part of me is curious where this conversation is headed.
“The ones that agree to just a night...they only want to fuck a hockey player anyway, so they use me just as much as I use them.”
I throw the dishtowel on the counter and cross my arms over my chest as I stand against the white granite.
“Why don’t you do relationships?”
“Because I don’t,” I say with conviction. “Anymore questions?”
“Just one.” She takes a hesitant step forward until she’s invading my space. Her smell hits me like a freight train as I inhale the sweet scent of her light shampoo. I love the fact that she doesn’t douse herself in perfume. She’s always smelled so damn good to me. It’s just…Savi.
I drop my arms and grip the edge of the counter to keep from reaching out as her ocean eyes draw me in.
“Why do you find every girl attractive, but me?”
It takes a moment for my brain to register what she just said as I scramble to make sense of it.
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
“Just admit it, Knox. I want to know why? You’ve pushed me away for years, barely glancing at me, almost to the point where I feel like you are repulsed. What do those girls have that I don’t?”
I debate on how to approach this. I could lie and say something mean that would push her away, making it easier on me to stay away, or I could let her in a little and let the truth scare her away.
I opt for the second as I reverse our positions and back her up against the counter. Her eyes widen, and I take pleasure in seeing her squirm uncomfortably.
That’s right, sunshine. You’re too pure to play with the devil and need to run.
“You want to know why I push you away?” I step closer until our bodies are flush, and she can feel just how hard I am. She gasps at the contact, but slowly nods her head anyway.
“Because I will ruin you,” I say darkly as my demons fight for control. “I refuse to use your body for pleasure even though every part of me wants to take it.” Digging my fingers into her waist, I try to hold on to something so I don’t get pulled under and do something I will regret.
“I’m already ruined, Knox,” she whispers. “I just need someone I feel safe with to show me I’m not damaged too.”
Pain lances through my chest as I wince at her words.
“You’re not ruined, Savi.” I squeeze my eyes tightly and pray that I’m wrong before I speak my next words.
“Please tell me you’ve been with a guy since.
That you’ve been happy…that you are happy.
” I force the words out as I’m slammed with anger and guilt all over again, with what happened to her that night.
“I am happy for the most part. I love my job. I have an amazing family and friends. It’s just the dating part that I have a hard time with. I try,” she says quietly, “but then I remember, and panic sets in.”
“But, Tristan? You were with him for two fucking years.” I know because I hated him every single day during that relationship.
“I did other things with him…just not sex. I couldn’t even blame him when he broke up with me after graduation. Who wants to be with a girl who flinches every time he gets on top of me?”
“Fuck, Savi.” I step away and try to rein in my emotions. She always looked so happy with him when I would watch from a distance. The only reason I didn’t interfere was because I thought she was happy.
“Let’s get one thing very clear. Any guy would be lucky just to be next to you. If Tristan didn’t make you feel safe, then that’s on him, and he should have done everything in his power to make sure that you did feel that way.”
“I’ve only felt safe with you,” she admits softly, and it’s like a knife to my gut. “When we touch, I’m not scared. I want…I want more.” Her blue eyes plead with me, and I feel like the biggest prick on earth because I know what I have to do.
“I can’t be that person for you, Savi. I’m not the good guy here,” I say, shaking my head sadly and desperately wishing in this moment that things were different and I could be that guy for her. “You need someone to pull you out of the dark, not keep you in it.”
“I don’t understand,” she says, stepping toward me, but I back away.
“I’m all kinds of fucked up, sunshine. I won’t touch the one thing in my life that has been good.”
“We’re all fucked up in some way or another. I know you, Knox,” she says fiercely. “You are not the bad guy you think you are. You have more good inside you than you know. Besides, I’m not asking for a commitment.”
“Your brothers…” I can’t even finish the thought. They would kill me if I touched their sister, and I would gladly let them, knowing I deserved every bit of it.
“My brothers never have to know. It’s the perfect setup, actually, with you living here. You help me get over my fear, and I will help you. It’s a win-win.”
“And what could you possibly help me with?” There’s no chance in hell that I’m agreeing to this, but I don’t have the heart to burst her bubble just yet.
“Someone has to remove that stick out of your ass. You need to let a little fun into your life. Maybe try smiling more.”
“I smile,” I mutter.
“Scoring a goal doesn’t count.”
“That’s all I need to make me happy,” I shrug.
“Keep telling yourself that.”
“Well, as fun as this has been,” I say, making a move to the door, “I’ve got to hit the ice soon.” This conversation needs to end now before I do something dumb like agree to it. It would never work. I know Savi, and her heart would get involved. I will not risk hurting her.
“You aren’t even going to entertain the idea, are you?”
I stop, and my look must say it all because her walls go back up, and the fire returns.
“You are such a stubborn ass, Knox. Fine,” she huffs, crossing her arms over her chest. “You don’t want to help me, I’ll keep trying to find someone who can.
Who knows, maybe one of your hockey buddies on your team will be the one to break through my fears. ”
Jealousy sneaks its way in when I think of any one of them laying their hands on her. “You are playing a very dangerous game here, Savi.” My voice drips with a threat as I curl my hands into fists. “My team is off limits. I need them focused on the game and not your pussy sitting in the stands.”
“Are you sure that’s the reason and not because it won’t be yours?”