Chapter 18 Savi
EIGHTEEN
SAVI
Holy shit.
I reread his text and can’t stop the rush of desire that swoops in suddenly and wants to overtake me. At this point, I don’t know how I’m going to survive the next four hours. Now that I’ve got a taste of him, it’s like years of pent-up sexual energy just wanting to break free all at once.
I waited all day to text him, not wanting to come off as some clingy girl. I know Knox, and if he feels I’m getting my heart involved too much, he’ll back off.
What he doesn’t know is that my heart has been involved with him for a very long time. Even before that night he helped me, I wanted him to look at me as someone other than his best friend’s little sister.
Girl chatter coming from the living room suddenly has me leaving my chaise in my bedroom. Eve, Lyla, Sophia, and Olivia come barging into the house, wine bottles in hand and a charcuterie board of cheese and crackers balanced in their arms.
“Did I forget about a wine night? What are you guys doing here?” I laugh, reaching for the food and setting it on the island.
“We waited as long as we could,” Olivia says, pulling the wine glasses down from the cabinet. “You’ve been MIA for the past twenty-four hours. We decided an ambush was needed for information as soon as Knox left town.”
“And what makes you think I have anything to report?” I ask, looking around the room as they pour their drinks and get settled on the barstools. “You drove an hour for this?” I turn toward Sophia.
“Damn right I did,” she grins.
“We all saw it last night, so don’t even try to deny it,” Lyla grins. “I’m surprised your brothers didn’t pick up on it, but we sure did.”
“The vibes you two were putting out almost set the whole damn place on fire,” Eve chimes in. “After you two came back from the bathroom, we knew something went down.”
“He was not happy to see you at Jett and Colton’s table,” Sophia says, adding in her two cents.
“That’s an understatement,” Olivia chuckles. “I’ve never seen a man struggle so badly to hide what he wants. What we want to know is, did he finally let himself have it?”
Taking a sip of my wine, I let them wait just a little bit longer to mess with them until I can no longer contain the grin that spreads across my face.
“We both definitely got what we wanted. Three times, to be exact…well, I got four.” My cheeks flush at the memory all over again as the girls jump up in excitement.
“I knew it!” Eve squeals.
“Four? Good to know he’s taking care of you,” Lyla giggles.
“You have no idea just how good he is,” I grin.
“Finally, someone who knows how to treat you right, and to think he’s been there the whole time,” Sophia says, shaking her head.
“The timing just had to be right,” Olivia says, winking at me with a grin plastered to her face as we all sit down again.
“It feels right...so right, in fact, that it’s scary.
I just don’t know if he’s ever going to decide to let me in or if he’s running in the end,” I sigh.
“I know nothing of his past other than his childhood was terrible after his mom died. So bad that he’s shut himself off from love.
Worse…he doesn’t believe he deserves it.
I think his father had a lot to do with that.
He’s painted himself as this monster who’s going to drag me into his nightmare, when he couldn’t be further from the truth.
” I blink back the tears that unexpectedly appear.
Every time I talk about his pain, I feel it like it’s my own, and my heart breaks all over again for what he’s been through.
“Oh, Savi,” Lyla says, hugging me before sitting back down and wiping her own tears.
“I get what he’s feeling. Even though our pasts are different, they are similar in a lot of ways.
When you are told something over and over again for years, you start to believe it even when deep down there’s a small part of you that knows it’s a lie. ”
“Lyla is right,” Eve says, squeezing my hand.
“My parents fed me lies for years, and it’s hard to get out of the deep hole they put you in…
so fucking hard. It becomes the norm, and you begin to believe that’s just who you are.
But…when you find the one light to hold on to, drowning in the dark doesn’t seem like the only way anymore.
Ryder was my light,” she smiles. “Jake was Lyla’s,” she turns to Lyla as she nods her head before meeting my eyes again, “and you’re Knox’s light.
Just keep shining for him, and his heart will find its way to you. ”
“Jesus, that’s sad and so beautiful at the same time,” Sophia sniffs as her hand swipes a tear away.
“Tell me about it,” Olivia says softly, her hand wiping at her wet cheeks.
If they only knew how sad and beautiful our story really was.
I try to keep the tears at bay, but right now I don’t feel so strong anymore as I break down and cry. Maybe Knox is right. Maybe I should have told my family. Maybe it is too much for me to carry on my own.
“Savi, what’s wrong? It’s going to be okay, love.” Lyla pulls me into her arms, and I sob harder.
“I need to tell you all something,” I whisper into her shirt.
“Okay. You know you can tell us anything. We are here for you. Always. You know that,” Sophia says, hugging me from behind.
Surrounding me in a group hug, they walk me toward the sofa. Lyla and Eve take a seat next to me as Sophia and Olivia don’t hesitate to sit on the floor at my feet. I’m cocooned in their love, and it gives me the strength I need to start speaking.
“What you guys don’t know is that Knox is my light too,” I sniff. “He pulled me from my own darkness, which is why he refuses to bring any more into mine. I…” Struggling to get it out, I hesitate as I try to form the words.
“It’s okay, take your time,” Lyla’s soothing voice calms me as I take a deep breath.
“I know your husbands have mentioned to you about what happened that night when I was fifteen, and how Knox threw the guy off of me at that party,” I say quietly, and they all nod their heads.
“That wasn’t the whole truth. I…” Swallowing through the hurt and pain that’s resurfacing, I find the courage to speak the words I should have said a long time ago.
“I was raped,” I whisper. “Knox got there just a few minutes after and stopped it.”
“Savi,” Eve says painfully.
“You held this pain to yourself all these years?” Lyla softly cries, bringing me to her chest as she holds me.
Words of reassurance and love pour out and envelop me as we cry together for the younger version of me who’s been fighting the monster since.
When the tears finally die down, Eve brushes back my hair gently. Her blue eyes rimmed with sadness. “Why didn’t you tell me? I could have been there for you. I was with you almost every day back then and had no clue. I should have seen the signs that you were in pain…”
“No,” I say, shaking my head. “You don’t get to feel guilty in any way.
Please don’t. I had planned on telling my parents because I knew I had to go to the police with what he did.
But when he died, I just wanted to forget it ever happened.
I didn’t want Knox to be dragged into my mess any more than he already was.
He didn’t just pull the guy off of me,” I swallow.
“He was close to killing him when I finally got him to stop beating the shit out of him. The report said he was above the legal limit of alcohol, but to me, he didn’t seem too wasted to drive.
We both think his impairment had to do with the beating.
I couldn’t take the chance that it would hurt his career. ”
“Good,” Sophia says fiercely. “I’m glad he beat the shit out of him, and karma took care of the rest.”
“I think we all agree he got what he deserved,” Olivia says forcibly without the slightest hint of remorse for him.
“Please don’t feel guilty,” I say, turning back to Eve and grasping her hand.
“Knox begged me to tell someone, but I made him promise to keep it a secret. I talked to some therapists, so I wasn’t completely alone.
I knew if I told my parents and brothers, all that would do is bring them pain and guilt.
I didn’t want any of you to have to bear that weight with me. ”
“We would have gladly shared it with you,” Lyla’s caramel eyes are full of love, as the rest of them agree.
“I know,” I sigh. “Seeing Knox struggle with his own demons and not being able to help has made me see things in a different light. I want so badly to be let in, so I can hold some of that pain for him.”
“That’s what you do for someone you love,” Sophia says, her voice filled with sorrow.
“My relationship with Knox is so complicated. I don’t know up from down or right from wrong, but I do know what I feel when I’m in his arms. God, I love that man. I have for a very long time. He may shatter me into a million pieces at the end of all this, but I’ll never stop loving him.”
“I had a feeling this push and pull you guys have always done was just burying what you both were too afraid to feel,” Eve says, smiling.
“I was good at stuffing it down through the years,” I admit softly.
“For a while, it was just too painful to look at him after the incident. He saw me at my worst, and even though I know I shouldn’t have, I felt shame every time he looked at me.
It wasn’t fair, but I took my anger out on him with all the petty arguments we would have because he’s the only one who understood the pain I was hiding.
I knew that no matter how much we pushed each other away, we were bound by that night.
He was my outlet, but he’s also my safe space, and still is. ”