Chapter 22 Knox
TWENTY-TWO
KNOX
I grip the steering wheel so hard, my knuckles ache from the pressure. I feel panic rise in my chest, and I curl my fingers around my t-shirt by my heart.
She’s right.
I am a coward.
The moment I heard the word love come out of her mouth, I fucking panicked. It’s not that I haven’t felt it before from her, but saying it out loud makes it real. It’s not something I can imagine away or pretend I didn’t hear it.
I keep driving further away as if I’ll somehow outrun the demons that want to drag me under again. The houses become a blur as I open up the car, trying to further drown out my thoughts with the engine’s roar.
Without any direction in mind, I finally realize where I was led to as I pull into the driveway and shut off my engine. The small two-bedroom home stares back at me as I peer through the windshield.
How can one house hold so many memories? This is where I first felt love, and this is where a part of me died. Getting out of the car, I walk up the two wooden steps leading up to the front porch.
After my mom passed, my dad eventually had to sell this house. The medical bills were piling up, and his drinking had gotten so much worse that he couldn’t keep up with everything. I don’t know why, but I bought the house last year when it came up on the market.
Until now, I haven’t set foot in this house since that day I was pulled from the only home I ever felt love in.
Putting my key in the lock, I walk in and flip a light switch as I shut the front door behind me.
It’s been updated since I lived here, but I can still picture the faded blue couch and his leather recliner in the corner as I take in the small living room.
The kitchen has new appliances and countertops, but otherwise it still feels the same. I can almost smell my mom’s chocolate chip cookies and remember how she would always let me sneak one before dinner while they were still warm from the oven.
Walking over to the pantry door, I open it and run my hand over the white paint where she would mark my height each year, forever staying at eight years old.
Moving slowly with heavy feet, I go to the small hallway where my bedroom once was. The wood floors are still the same throughout the house, but you can tell they’ve been sanded and re-stained a darker color.
Opening the door, I step inside.
God, it feels like lifetimes ago, but at the same time, I remember it all like it was yesterday.
My mom tucking me into bed each night and reading me stories until I couldn’t fight sleep anymore.
The day she brought home my team jersey and skates for my first game. How she would tell me over and over again how much she loved me and how proud she was of her favorite little boy.
Walking to the closet, I reach out and hesitate briefly before turning the knob and opening the door. Pulling the string hanging down from the ceiling, the light comes on, and I crouch down by the far corner. Faint lines etch the wall as I trace them with my fingers and sink to the floor.
Memories flood my mind, replacing all the good with the bad. If I stayed in here, tucked away, he would almost forget about me.
I stole a small pocketknife from the drawer one day and decided to make a tally mark for every time I hid in here until he passed out. Even then, I would find myself dragging a pillow and blanket in here, feeling safer in this closet than I did in my own bed.
I stare at all the faint marks that not even a coat of paint could cover up. There’s more than any one person would want to count. Squeezing my eyes shut, I try to block out all the ugly noise that wants to come through.
I sit there for what feels like hours before getting up and knowing what I have to do.
Opening the back door, I step out into the small backyard. The chain-link fence that once secured the grassy area is now replaced with a white vinyl fence, giving me privacy as I walk to the big mossy oak sitting in the corner.
It was the place where mom and I had countless picnics under this tree, and it’s the place where I left a part of her there.
My dad honored my mom’s wishes to be cremated, but refused to part with her ashes or spread them anywhere.
I was only nine when I decided she needed better.
I knew my mom wouldn’t want to live in a box in the back of Dad’s closet year after year.
I waited until he passed out one night and was snoring loudly on the couch before grabbing a kitchen chair and getting my mom’s ashes down. Switching them out, I put ashes from our old charcoal grill in its place and placed them back in his closet.
Taking the real ones with me, I sprinkled some under this tree so I would have a place to be close to her, and the rest I set her free in the ocean. She always loved the water, and every time I’m around or in the ocean, I like to believe she’s there with me.
Standing under the tree, I shove my hands in my pockets and look at the heart still engraved into the tree, marking the spot where I gave her back to the earth.
“I don’t know what you want me to do here, Mom,” I say quietly. “I stayed and looked after Dad just like I promised you I would, but I can’t do it anymore. It’s keeping me chained and locked in this dark hell that I’m so tired of being in.”
I glance up at the tall branches and watch the hanging moss sway in the wind as the words I’ve held back for years start to pour out.
“I know you would have never made me promise if you had known what he would turn into after you died. I want you to know that I don’t blame you. I stayed because I felt responsible, and I think a part of me stayed because he was my last link to you.”
Savi’s words play in my mind, and I let in the pain this time instead of shoving it down.
“God, I miss you, Mom,” I whisper hoarsely. “I’m so fucking sorry for everything.”
I don’t hold the tears in as they stream down my face. Years of guilt and pain come through until I have nothing left in me to give.
Wiping my eyes, I turn and walk away, knowing this will be the last time I ever set foot in this house again. It’s time to start letting the past go if I have any chance of a future.
“Fuck!” I yell, throwing my gloves to the floor and whipping off my helmet. It’s our third game in a row we’ve lost, and we can’t seem to get our shit together.
“Stone, get your ass over here,” Coach yells from across the locker room. Cayden gives me a sympathetic look as I walk by and head straight over to where Coach is standing.
“Follow me,” he barks out as I walk with him to an empty office, and he shuts the door.
“Want to tell me what’s going on?” He throws his hat on the desk and rakes his hand aggressively through his hair.
“It’s just a couple of bad games. I’ll work with them harder in practice, and we’ll turn it around next game.”
“It’s not about working them harder, Stone,” he frustratedly sighs.
“You’re their captain. They look to you for guidance and feed off your energy in the game.
For the past two weeks, you’ve shown up to practice with a stick up your ass, and I want you to find out what the fuck is causing it and remove it as fast as you fucking can. ”
“Yes, Coach,” I grind out, clenching my jaw so tight it hurts. I hate that he’s right and I’m responsible for these losses.
Sighing, he walks over to me and looks me in the eye.
“I get that it’s hard to leave all your personal shit behind when you step onto the ice, but it’s what we have to do. Those hours on the ice are dedicated to you and your team. Everything else can wait. If you need to talk to someone…”
“I don’t,” I say, cutting him off. “I just got in my head. It won’t happen again.”
He peers at me before finally breaking away.
“Let’s see that it doesn’t,” he says, picking up his hat and throwing it on again. “You’ve got press in twenty with Hayes. Can you handle it?”
I can tell he’s testing me on whether I’m able to set aside my shit and pull through.
“I’m looking forward to it,” I say, working up a fake smile.
“Now I know you’re fucking lying. Get the hell in the shower before I change my mind and bench your ass in the next game just for playing like shit tonight.”
Nodding, I leave the room and head into the shower, ignoring the curious glances from the team.
Once I have my suit on, I meet Hayes in the hallway where he’s waiting for me.
“Want to talk about it?” He asks, walking with me down the hall.
“Nothing to talk about. I fucked up, and it won’t happen again.”
He eyes me, but doesn’t push me for more as I open the door to the press room.
“Let’s get this over with,” I mutter, stepping inside.
We sit at the table with the microphones in place as, one by one, the questions come firing in.
“Stone, you are on a three-game losing streak. What are your strategies going into the next game?” A reporter shouts out.
“Thanks for the reminder. I had completely forgotten the total number of losses until now,” I say sarcastically, causing a few chuckles around the room.
“Every team goes through a rough patch, and we hit ours. I have full confidence in our team that we will break our losing streak with a win against the Ravens on Saturday night.”
“Rumor has it that your head hasn’t been in the game since you moved out of your friend’s house.” Scott’s voice filters out, putting emphasis on the word friend. “Can you confirm them to be true?” I feel my blood begin to boil as Hayes rushes to take the mic before I can speak.
“Whether or not he moved is none of anyone’s business. I can tell you that Stone is a professional athlete. What happens off the ice stays off the ice. Like he said, we hit a rough patch, and this next game will end it.” Hayes says, trying to keep me from tearing Scott apart.
“Rumor also has it that she was spotted having dinner with someone named Tristan Williams. That’s got to sting and be hard to forget on the ice.” Scott’s smirk sets me off as I rip the mic out of Hayes’s hands.
“You can take your fucking rumors and shove them up your ass,” I snarl at him. “I warned you, Scott, what would happen if you didn’t keep my personal business out of your mouth. Good luck finding another job after I’m done with you.”
I tune out the few chuckles and gasps among the crowd as I pry my fingers from the microphone and lean back.
“Does anyone have any questions related to hockey? That is what we are here for, right? Or did I step onto an episode of Jerry Springer that I didn’t know about?”
Hayes gets the reporters laughing and breaks the ice as more questions come in about the upcoming game. They fall on deaf ears as Scott’s statement burns bright in my veins.
She had dinner with fucking Tristan?
After I left my old house, I ended up getting a hotel room, needing some time to figure things out. I knew if I went back there, I would find myself crawling right back in her bed, and that would solve nothing.
I tossed and turned all night, and when I woke up the next morning, I texted her letting her know I was sorry for leaving the way I did and mentioned that I got a hotel room for the night to think.
She made it very clear with her response to stay at the hotel until ‘I have my shit together.’ She doesn’t want me anywhere near her unless I’ve decided to ‘grow some balls’ and figure out what the hell it is that I want.
She said a lot of other not-so-nice things, and damn if it didn’t give me blue balls for the rest of the night. Savi and her fire are like a drug to me.
Even though I was very tempted to drive over there and hash out this argument in person, I know she’s right. I’ve put her through enough, and I need to be certain I can give her what she needs before I play with her heart anymore, or mine for that matter.
After our first loss at home and not seeing her in the stands with her family, I knew I needed to continue to keep my distance. I’m bringing her onto the ice with me, and not in a good way.
As much as I miss her, she’s a distraction right now. If I go to her and she doesn’t give me another chance, I know I’ll never be able to get my head back in the game. I can’t afford to take that chance right now when I’m already feeling like I can’t keep my head above water for very much longer.
Hockey has always been able to make me forget everything, and no matter how hard I’ve tried to throw myself into the sport these last few away games, it’s only gotten worse.
I force myself to eat, I can’t sleep, and I sure as hell can’t focus on the game like I need to, and it shows with our last three losses.
I’m letting the team down, and I need to find a way to push through this and get my head on straight. I need this next win to pull me out of this slump before I can even think about what my future with her looks like, or if there even is one.
Hayes pulls me out of my thoughts as he thanks the reporters and taps my arm to get my attention that it’s time to go.
I follow him out, and he immediately turns to me.
“Is it true? Is Savi the reason you’ve been playing so shitty?” He asks, furrowing his brows and clearly upset with me.
“No…yes…I don’t know,” I sigh. “I’m fucking trying, okay? I’m doing everything I can. I’ve moved back to a hotel so I can focus on the games. We both needed…space, and I’m staying away from her until I’m back on track and she won’t be a distraction.”
“That’s your plan?” He asks, chuckling softly. “Out of sight, out of mind is clearly not working for you.”
“It’ll work,” I say, determined to will it into existence. “You’ve got all of me this Saturday. I won’t let you guys down again.”
“I don’t know,” he says, rubbing the scruff on his face. “Maybe I need to come up with another plan.”
“God, I’m afraid to even ask what a plan of yours would even look like.”
“Luckily for you, I’m not telling,” he grins. “I’ll keep it in my back pocket just in case.”
“Not going to need it,” I say, shaking my head as we walk back to get our things before catching our flight back home.
“We’ll see about that,” he grins before entering the locker rooms.
Something tells me I’m not going to like his plan one bit, but it doesn’t matter.
I’ve got two days to get my shit together and get this win.
Once I do this for my team, I think it’s time that Savi and I have a little chat.
Tristan has another thing coming if he thinks for one second I’m going to roll over and watch him try to win her back.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
She wants me to fight for us…then I’ll show her a damn fight. I have no intention of losing, not when it comes to her.