Chapter 54
Sebastian paced a track in Ciana’s room, the twinkling lights in the branches above his head laughing at him.
He’d felt sick when Ciana left to meet the king. Something was different this time. He didn’t know exactly what, but he had a feeling. One that he refused to think about.
He also refused to think about where Ciana was right at that moment. What she might be doing. What that king might be doing with her.
Sebastian swallowed the frustrated groan that threatened to crawl out of his chest. He sat heavily on the edge of her bed, the sheets still rumpled from the night before. Her honeysuckle scent lingered everywhere, a beautiful gift and a wicked curse.
Everything was all made worse by whatever it was that had passed between them before the king had summoned her. That tension, that energy, that sweet serenity. It made his heart ache, pressing firmly against the cage of his ribs.
Sebastian was so tired of fighting. The weariness of it weighed on his bones, tugging down his strength. He thought he could keep her at arms-length, that he could do his duty and not let his heart get in the way.
It wasn’t just because of Ciana’s task. This was something that had plagued him long before. Because Sebastian knew, in the deepest part of his mind, that if they crossed that line, there would be no going back.
Sure, he’d kissed her before. It was something he thought about every day and dreamed of every night. But that had been a shared moment when they weren’t sure if they’d see each other again. A moment of soft desperation when they’d both lowered their walls.
Now? After all they’d gone through since? Gods, everything was different now.
And yet Sebastian couldn’t help but wonder if that was just a lie he told himself to keep from tumbling into madness.
How much longer would he let his fear of losing her keep him from happiness?
He shook his head. These thoughts were pointless and would only lead to pain. Especially being here, in a foreign kingdom, while she set out to woo a king—
The door slammed open.
Ciana flew inside with the force of a gale, stirring the leaves above them, the lights tinkling together. The door shut on her heels and she ground to a halt in the middle of the room, her amber eyes finding his.
Tears streaked down her beautiful, freckled face. Her hair was a wild mass of gold around her head.
Something in her expression cracked.
He stood as she rushed forward, slamming into his chest. His arms came around her, as instinctual to him as breathing, and he held her as she cried.
She sobbed, her breaths coming in deep, hiccupping fits. The front of his cotton shirt was soon wet with her tears.
He didn’t care.
He sat slowly on the edge of her bed, pulling her with him. She folded against him easily, so soft and warm and small, settling onto his lap.
Sebastian wasn’t sure how long they stayed like that. The world around him stood still, this moment in time paused on an inhalation of breath. His fingers traced soothing patterns across her skin, and he swam through a sea of lilac and honeysuckle.
He quietly vowed into the silence that no matter what came of this between them, he would always be this for her. A haven. A place of refuge. He would gladly condemn his very soul to save hers, if that’s what it took.
He wasn’t sure how long they sat there when her breathing started to slow. Her sobs faded into soft sniffles, her tears drying into hazy droplets. She lifted her face from his chest, tilting her chin up to meet his gaze. Her wild hair clung to her cheeks, eyes wide and raw.
Sebastian swept his fingers across her temple, tucking the unruly strands behind her ears. Her eyes fluttered at his touch, his chest squeezing in answer.
“What happened, Cee?” he asked softly, quietly, breathlessly. Knowing he needed the answer, but also that he would hate to hear it.
Ciana’s bottom lip quivered. She hiccupped again, hastily wiping a hand across her eyes, smearing her tears.
“It’s fine. It’s nothing. Really.”
“Ciana.” He said her name firmly but gently. He couldn’t stop himself. How was he to make this right for her if she wouldn’t talk to him?
Ciana sniffled again. “If I tell you,” she said, “you have to promise you won’t do anything. It was my fault, truly.”
He pinned her with a stare, and she sighed.
“Nik…” She swallowed. “The king…he kissed me.”
Sebastian’s vision blackened around the edges. He forced deep, dragging inhales through his lungs, his fingers tightening in her hair and on her skin.
It was that same rage he’d felt that night in the desert. The night when Lucas Blaise had stomped through the brushy sands, hoping to take a little more light from this girl who was bursting at the seams with it.
It was a rage he was unfamiliar with but was learning to enjoy. Especially in defense of her.
He didn’t care if Niktael was a king. Sebastian would fucking kill him for doing this to her.
A small, warm hand pressed against his chest.
“Sebastian,” Ciana whispered. “Please. Don’t look like that. Listen to me. It wasn’t his fault.”
“Of course, it was his fault,” he growled. “He never should have touched you. Especially when you didn’t want him to.”
She shook her head. “He had no reason to know I didn’t want him to. It was the entire reason I came here, remember?” She gave him a sad smile. “He didn’t overstep. It was all me. I thought I could do this, but…I can’t. I’m too broken for it.”
A bucket of ice crashed through Sebastian’s veins. His anger cooled, an earnest sadness sweeping in to take its place. He loosened his grip on the back of her head, running his hand over her curls.
He nearly released a groan when she pressed her head into his palm.
“You’re not broken, Ciana.”
Tears again swam in her eyes. “I couldn’t do it. He touched me, and I freaked out. He’s nothing like Lucas, but the memories…” She bit her lip, fighting off her sob.
“Listen to me, Cee.” Sebastian gripped her chin, holding her still so she couldn’t break their stare.
“You are allowed to have limits. What happened to you is something no person should ever have to endure, no matter who they are. It was something that would have destroyed anyone else. But you survived. You escaped. And that makes you, Ciana Visseau, one of the strongest people I have ever met.”
Her tears had stopped, those eyes going wide again. “You’re just saying that to make me feel better.”
Sebastian huffed a chuckle. “I might be. But that doesn’t mean it’s not true. Or that I don’t mean it.”
They remained like that for a heavy moment—her chin gripped between his fingers, her small frame draped across his lap, his palm splayed around the full curve of her hip.
Their breath mingled in the air between them.
A feeling crawled up Sebastian’s spine, a new awareness as the tension shifted, his heart beating faster against his ribs.
Ciana swallowed, and Sebastian couldn’t help the way his focus narrowed to the dart of her tongue across her lips.
“It wasn’t just the memories,” she said quietly. Sebastian held his breath. “They weren’t the only reason I ran.” Her eyelids fluttered, nostrils flaring.
“I also ran because I realized I didn’t feel safe with the king.
He’s done nothing to me, but there is only one person who ever truly puts me at ease.
There’s only one person whose presence calms me.
Who doesn’t make me nervous or scared or anxious.
Who keeps my nightmares at bay instead of inviting them in. ”
Sebastian still didn’t dare breathe. A vice clamped around his chest. Every place where they touched was burning, melting, shifting.
“I realized that there was only one person I could ever imagine replacing all those twisted memories with something good. And no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try or how much I play my part, it will never be the king.”
The world around Sebastian spun. “Ciana—”
“I know the timing is terrible.” A sad smile tilted the corners of her full lips. “But I’m tired of fighting. It will always and only be you, Sebastian.”
Those words.
His chest cracked, but he had absolutely no intentions of piecing it back together.
They stood together on a precipice. One more step, one casual lean, and they would fall for good. The walls he’d built would crumble and nothing would ever be the same again.
For the first time, he felt ready for it.
He leaned forward. Ciana exhaled a heavy sigh of relief and fluttered her eyes closed. He forced himself to stop.
No. Not like this. Her emotions were frazzled, sent into disarray by the king’s advances. If he did this now, he would never know how much was real and how much was her desperation for comfort.
He shook his head, the barest of shakes. Her eyes snapped open.
“There is so much I want to say to you,” he rasped. “But I can’t say it yet. Not until after you’ve slept and completely settled from today—”
Her brows had drawn together in a frustrated pinch as he spoke.
She silenced him with a growl as she closed the distance between them, soft lips capturing his.
For a moment, he was frozen. Caught between the pendulum swing of his mind telling him she wasn’t ready and his body begging for more.
For her.
For all of it.
In the end, his body won.
His world narrowed to the scent of honeysuckle and lilac, to the brush of soft curls through his fingers, to the fold of her curves over his lap.
He gripped her to him, a groan slipping from his throat, deepening the kiss.
Heat spiked through him, heady and intoxicating.
She opened for him, sweetness bursting across his tongue.
Their last kiss had been filled with the urgency that comes before impending destruction.
This one… This one felt like an answered prayer. A spark over dried leaves, igniting into a fervent inferno. A moment of revelation, a release of breath that had been held for far too long.
Sebastian dragged her luscious thighs over his lap to straddle his hips. Ciana rocked into him, hands winding into his hair, as if she were trying to crawl into his very skin.
And gods, he would let her.
She gasped when she felt him, aching between them. The pressure of her and the confines of his zipper was nearly painful, but he welcomed it. Begged for it. Demanded it.
He needed this. Needed more. Needed her.
His hands glided up her thighs, pushing up the heavy skirts. Slipped over the bodice, skimming his thumbs under the swell of her breasts.
Ciana whimpered at his touch, and fuck, that sound nearly had him falling apart right there.
It also pulled a piece of him back to reality.
He forced his grip around her to loosen, though it nearly caused him physical pain to do so. He pulled back enough to draw in a breath, hers still dancing across his tongue.
“Ciana,” he murmured in a strained whisper. “We should slow down.”
She whined—actually whined—in answer. Tried to press back into him, to again capture his lips with hers.
He was faster.
Sebastian gripped the sides of her face, holding her still. Her amber eyes snapped open in a glare, her wet, plump lips falling into a pout.
He couldn’t help it. She was so adorable when she was angry. A smile split his face, softening her frustration.
He leaned back in, giving her a sweet, chaste kiss. But he couldn’t stop his groan when he pulled away, catching the unmistakable glint of victory in her eyes.
Sebastian stroked his thumb across her temple.
“One day,” he said softly, “I will tell you all the things you make me feel. Then when my words fail, I’ll show you exactly how much you mean to me.
” His nose grazed her skin, drinking in that sweet, floral scent.
“I’m going to replace every dark memory with ones that make your toes curl and your cheeks flush.
But I won’t be doing it on the same day when your lips have been kissed by another man.
I try to be gracious about many things, but sharing you will always be off the table. ”
He slowly pulled away from her. Male satisfaction seeped through his blood at her warm, flushed cheeks, the way the ample swell of her chest rose and fell with gasping breaths.
Fuck, he needed to not think about her chest, or else she’d find out just how much he wanted to toss his own words into the trash and lose himself in her.
He pushed her to her feet, holding her hips as she shakily righted herself. He stood, bending and planting a gentle kiss to her forehead.
She shivered.
“Go shower and get dressed for bed,” he murmured. “We’ll talk more tomorrow. I promise.”
She swallowed and headed into her bathing chamber. She paused on the threshold, whirling back to face him. “Sebastian?”
“Yes, Goldie?”
She smiled hesitantly. “Will you stay with me tonight?”
“You never have to ask again. As long as you need me, I’ll stay.”
As her smile turned shy and wistful, as she disappeared into her bathing chamber, he shot a prayer up to any god who might be listening that this would last.