29. Chapter Twenty-Nine
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Andre
I know it’s not the plane that’s making me nervous. I never cared much for flying. I don’t like it one way or another. It’s just a mode of transportation. One that is uncomfortable but convenient, because it’s fast.
My interview is later this evening with a bunch of people from the school.
That’s also not what’s making me nervous. I’ve done full interviews on TV and in rooms with thousands of people. Public speaking isn’t an issue for me.
I think what’s making me nervous is wondering how this is going to end. This interview, my relationship. My life back home…
Part of me doesn’t know why I’m here.
What’s the point?
Although, maybe I do know why I’m here, and I just… don’t want to admit it to anyone, let alone myself.
If the university offers me the job, am I going to consider taking it? I mean… I’m going to the interview, even though I thought of cancelling too many times to count.
I wanted Paul to come with me, but he couldn’t get the day off work, so I didn’t push it.
It’s probably better I do this on my own, though, anyway.
It wouldn’t be any fun if he were here because I have too much on my mind, and I’d probably be worried about him on top of everything else. What he thinks. Feels.
Because I don’t really know how he feels, but I can take a guess.
He hasn’t said anything negative or tried to dissuade me, and I tell myself if he really had an issue with this, he’d say something.
He’s never had an issue saying what he feels before, so I think it’s just me, just my thoughts and feelings that are making me feel this way.
Mostly because I keep asking myself why I’m here, when I already know the answer.
Part of me wants this,wants to figure out a way to go back to my old life, while somehow also keeping this new one. Is that possible? It has to be. Because anything is possible, so, there has to be a way to figure it out. There just has to be…
But that’s all the stuff I’ll deal with later.
Right now, I need to close my eyes and rest, until we land.
When we do, I take my bag from the overhead bin and stand to wait for them to let us off.
I will be one of the first people off the plane, since I bought a first-class ticket and am right in the front.
I’ll only be here for a night, so I packed light. Once off the plane, I take an Uber to my hotel, check in, and get ready for this interview.
I shower. Change. Stare at myself in the mirror for far too long, trying to make sense of this.
Why I’m here. What I’m going to do, how I’m going to play this.
I can’t come up with a solid answer, so I don’t try to.
Instead, I focus on smoothing out the collar of my shirt, and leave before I’m late for my interview.
I take another Uber to the university, which isn’t a long drive.
Watching from the car, I spot kids walking to and from classes, and when I get out, I tip the driver and take my time heading into the main office.
I check in for my scheduled time, and the kind woman behind the desk tells me to have a seat in the lobby and someone will be with me shortly.
Shelby shows up a few minutes later with a big smile on her face.
“I’ll admit, I thought you wouldn’t show.”
“Considered it,” I admit as I get up and follow her through the halls, until she leads us into a small conference room that she has to swipe her badge to get into.
Three men are already sitting at the table, all well-dressed in suits.
Two of them smile when they see me, that familiar excitement in their eyes that most people get when they recognize me.
Probably fans of the Cougars. I can’t deny that the last several years when I worked with them, how much more attention they got; going from the bottom to the top.
Because of me, some might say, but honestly?
They are the ones who did the work. All I did was support them, but I know that’s not what people want to hear.
The other man at the far end of the table regards me like he’s not impressed, and I’m not sure if that is better or worse, given the circumstances.
“Andre, this is our Deputy Director of Athletics, Steven Borro; our Senior Associate for Football Admissions, Ted McMather; and Vice President of University Advancement, Patrick Marques.”
“Nice to meet you all,” I say.
“You can have a seat right here.” She points to the head of the table. “We’re just waiting on one more person to show and then we can begin.”
She takes a seat beside Ted but keeps her attention on me.
“How was your flight?”
“Not bad. Got in earlier than expected.”
“That’s always nice,” she says.
“Can’t remember the last time I was on a plane,” Steven says. “Not a fan.”
The door opens and another stern-looking man walks in.
Shelby introduces him as the Athletics Representative, Landon Grove. He takes a seat across from her, and we begin.
They take turns asking me questions. The basic stuff at first.
Why do I want this job?
What will I bring to the team?
What are my strengths?
Tell me about your experience.
Tell me about a time you had to implement teamwork on a coaching level.
And so much more.
They even ask what my plans would be to strengthen the team. I told them I don’t know where the weaknesses are yet, and there’s no way to know until I meet the team and assess their skills, so that felt like a trick question.
By the time we’re done talking, my head is spinning, and I’m not entirely sure I was present for that entire thing.
I shake hands with all the men, thank them for their time, and then they leave. Shelby walks me back to the office.
“How are you feeling?” she asks.
“Nervous,” I admit with a laugh.
“You did great. Besides, most of us want you here.”
I shake my head. “Not of that. Just… all of this.” I gesture around. “The changes.”
“There are a lot of people who really want you here because they think you can do good things for our program. You will get all kinds of support so we can make that happen.”
We make it to the set of doors I came in from.
“I’ll be in touch with you sometime next week. Have a safe flight home. And if you think of anything, you have my email and my phone number.”
We shake hands, and I head out.
I don’t call for a ride right away because I need to walk.
I need to do something to work through all these things in my mind, try to figure out some solution.
So, I loosen my tie and move down the steps and turn to the left.
I have no idea where I’m going, nor do I have a clue what this campus looks like, but I just go, anyway.
My feet carry me of their own accord, my thoughts racing as my heart pounds like a drum, and my chest feels tight.
It’s an all-too- familiar feeling. I haven’t had a panic attack since last year, not since the few weeks after Victoria’s death, but I remember it all too well.
They’re terrifying.
I walk faster until I reach an expanse of parking lots, and then a crossroads.
I turn down one of them and keep going. I walk through a small area with stores and restaurants, then end up in a neighborhood full of nice houses.
When the houses start getting bigger and farther apart, I stop and call for my ride.
The last thing I need is for one of these homeowners to call the cops because a strange man is walking around their neighborhood.
I know how that goes.
The ride picks me up about fifteen minutes later, and takes me back to my hotel, where I once again jump in the shower.
I keep the water cold, because it helps me relax, but find that it doesn’t help as much as it normally does.
When I get out, I get dressed, order food and put on a movie so I can distract myself.
I want to call Paul to share all of this with him, but every time I try to bring it up, he gets this tone and look about him.
I know why. I’m not stupid.
If I move here, he can’t come with me. He has a son at home.
A stable job. A whole life back in Marietta.
But he also has me, and if I leave him, he has nowhere else to go, because he let his lease lapse and moved in with me.
Because I told him he could stay as long as he needed, and then…
things changed. Not just between us, but for him.
Of course, I’d let him stay at the house, if it would come to that. He can have the fucking house.
But that’s not the point. We spent years apart before, and somehow made it work, but things were different then. We spent time together in slivers of moments between games and life, and…
Now, I want him with me, wherever I am. I don’t want to be here while he’s there.
I can’t do this a second time, not after everything that’s happened.
Because I love him. I love him, and our life we’ve somehow created, but I love coaching, too.
I love the field and the rush of climbing the ranks with the men who are just as hungry for victory as I am.
The high school team is great, don’t get me wrong, but it’s just not…
it’s not what I’m looking for. I miss this.
The big stuff. A year ago, I couldn’t fathom returning to the life I’d built without my wife, and so I came home.
But somewhere in the last year, home changed, too.
Home became something I didn’t even think I’d ever want, let alone have, again.
I don’t know what to do or how to navigate this, and I can’t help but think that if my wife hadn’t died, I wouldn’t even be in this position.