32. Chapter Thirty-Two
Chapter Thirty-Two
Paul
The last place I ever thought I’d end up is home.
Well, what used to be home.
Though I can’t bring myself to get out of Amelia’s driveway, even though she has already gone inside, and I’ve been sitting in the dark for nearly a half hour.
Part of me hates that I called her—my ex-wife. Me spiraling and being a dumbass is not what she or Maddox needs. But… I didn’t have anyone else who understands like she does—or anyone else to call.
It’s not like I could call Dre to come rescue me when he’s the one who’s responsible for breaking me in the first place.
I let out a long sigh, my head hitting the steering wheel as tears spill down my face, and then I see the light of the door. A shadow looms, but only for a second, and then the spotlights come on and the shadow disappears.
“You can come inside, you know. You don’t have to sit out here like an idiot.”
I glance at Amelia, her hair pulled back in a messy bun, standing at the car window in her pajamas.
“Nope. You’re wrong.” I sniffle. “I am an idiot. I’m such a fucking—”
She opens the door, but I don’t move. I can’t. All I can do is think about Dre and the look on his face when he saw me. When he walked through that door.
There are so many things in life I’ve lost, people I’ve disappointed.
My parents. Amelia. Even my son, to an extent.
But I never, not in a million years, thought Dre would be on that list.
Amelia leans against the side of my car, and for a moment, it’s silent, before she says, “What happened?”
I don’t know what to say. My head is a mess. I’m angry, I’m upset, and I know I’m being reckless and stupid, but…
“I love him,” I say, my voice twisted in a choked sob and broken whisper.
“Paul…”
The tears come like rain.
“I love him, and he’s leaving.”
Amelia lets out a low sigh, and then I feel her pull me up and wrap her arms around me. Stupidly, I let my head fall on her shoulder, a loud sob tearing through me.
For a moment we just stand there, me crying like an idiot in my ex-wife’s arms like some bad soap opera.
But what’s worse is that I don’t feel better.
I feel like I’ve messed up good this time.
Like I’ve pushed away the one person who has always had my back and supported me because I wanted him to choose me and Maddox and our life over what he lost. Over the lights and notoriety and the fancy accolades.
“Come on.” Amelia sighs, rubbing my back.
I don’t bother fighting her because I’m too exhausted and I’ve already fucked up twice tonight.
So I let Amelia lead me up the steps and into the house, locking the door behind us.
The house is quiet save for the faint hum of the TV in the living room. I collapse on the couch as she saunters towards the kitchen, and a moment later returns with a bottle of water, offering it to me.
I take it, but I don’t open it. I can’t.
“I just… wanted to be enough, but I’m not,” I say, staring at the bottle in my hands.
“Of course you are,” she says carefully, pulling up her legs to sit cross-legged next to me.
I shake my head.
“No, I’m not. I always come up short, and you know that better than anyone. I wasn’t enough for you either.”
Amelia lets out a long sigh.
“It’s not that simple,” she says. “Relationships are complicated.”
“No shit,” I mutter.
“But that doesn’t mean they aren’t worth it.”
I curl up on the couch and close my eyes.
“I didn’t know where else to go. How fucked up is that?”
Amelia lets out a soft chuckle.
“You remember the time in college, before we—” I open my eyes, meeting her gaze. “I was talking to that guy, Marcus or Michael or…”
“Matt? The douchebag with the weird mole?”
She laughs and I feel the faintest smile tug at my lips.
“Yeah, that’s the one. Remember how I showed up to the dorm so fucked up you had to offer to drive me to the Waffle House because it was the only place open?”
I shake my head. “How could I forget? You were ranting about wanting to key the dude’s car, and I was not about to let you get arrested,” I say as seriously as I can.
“And instead of keying his car, we hung out until I sobered up enough to realize I was being stupid, and then you took me home.”
I find her gaze, noting the warmth there.
“Yeah,” I say, my chest tight.
“You bring out the best in people because you are a good friend. You’re the best friend. You are the one who always saves everyone else.”
I swallow hard.
She’s not wrong.
I hang my head.
“Sometimes you need someone to save you,” she adds.
“Is that what you’re doing?” I ask, my voice tinged with bitterness. “Saving me?”
She shakes her head.
“No. I’m just here to remind you that you have a friend. And that it’s okay to be hurt. But you can’t just give up on shit when it gets difficult.”
I twist my lips and look away.
“I’m not—”
“Does he know?”
I scoff. “Know what?”
“That you love him?”
I shake my head.
“It doesn’t matter.”
“Yes, it does,” she says.
Maybe it’s the drinking, or maybe it’s just that I’m falling apart, but when the word escapes my throat, I can’t take it back.
“No.”
Silence firms between us.
“I see,” she says softly as she gets up. “You can stay here until morning, but you’re going to need to figure something out.”
I look up at her with sad eyes.
“I know,” I say, my throat tight. “Thank you.”
Amelia offers me a blanket.
“For the record, you have always been good enough for everyone else,” she says smoothly.
“You just need to be honest with yourself and what you want, instead of trying to be what you think we want.”
She pulls the blanket over me, and I can’t help the tears that fall down my cheeks.
The lights dim and it goes silent, save for the sound of my breathing and my beating heart.
And only when I have no more tears to cry do I finally fall asleep, dreaming about things I’ll never have again.
Because if I’m being honest with myself, why the fuck wound Dre ever choose me? Especially now, when I’ve proven to him that I really am a failure.
Because a good friend would never be this selfish.
A good boyfriend would be supportive and honest.
Tell their boyfriend they love them.
And the last thought I have before slumber takes me is that I should have told him when I had the chance.