Chapter 38
I took another large gulp of overpriced hotel wine.
Already a bottle in, the pleasant, spreading numbness grew.
It was exactly what I needed to drown my stupid sorrows.
So what if it had been a setup? So what if he’d stomped all over what I had to give?
Renzo who? That was right. In an hour, I wouldn’t even remember the jerk’s name. Who needed a guy like him anyway?
My phone rang for the hundredth time. I swayed and bobbed my head to the musical ringtone until it dropped off. Another missed call from the man who proved he only saw me as another tool in his toolbox.
I sighed, dropping my head back against the cushioned headboard, and took another gulp of wine. Infatuation really made me stupid.
I just needed one night to get over him and let go of my delusions. One night to cry. One night to drink. One night to forget. That was all I was giving myself. Tomorrow, everything would be better. It had to be.
Someone knocked on the door. I crawled over the comforter and memory foam mattress, almost tripping off the edge. The knocks came again. Bee, silly girl, must have forgotten her key card.
“I’m coming.” I staggered forward, my hand against the wall for support. Maybe that last glass had been a little too much. “Give me a second, babe. How’d you already lose—”
I opened the door and froze, blinking, then rubbing my eyes.
He wasn’t Bee. Why did Renzo always have to look so damn good?
So tall. So fit and broad-shouldered, wearing the same suit as earlier, not the least bit disheveled.
With a jaw chiseled from granite, the perfect contour of facial hair for his mustache and goatee, and ruthless eyes that pierced the soul like blades.
I groaned. He was a walking sex dream, while I was in a hotel bathrobe, eyeliner dried up in trails down my eyes, my hair half out of its pins.
“What are you”—I shoved a finger against his chest—“doing here?”
He wrapped his hand around my fingers. “I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.”
I wrenched away, stumbling back a few steps. “Leave. I don’t want you here.”
“We have things to discuss.”
He stepped through the threshold and shut the door behind him—always so composed and unflappable, not a hair out of place, not a twitch of emotion on his face. I deflated with a trill of my lips and staggered back to the bed, collapsing backward.
“This isn’t the time. Just go away.”
The bedding rustled and dipped where he sat.
“You left. I was worried.”
I huffed. “Doubtful.”
“Don’t do it again. Or I swear, I’ll pinken your ass until you can’t sit.”
My eyes widened. I did not just hear that.
I swept my hands down my face to hide my blush.
“It was a shitty date. Any woman with dignity would have left. So don’t be such a spoilsport because I didn’t wag my tail and stick out my tongue like a good little pooch.
If that’s what you want”—I thrust my hand toward the door—“out you go.”
“You could’ve been hurt. I thought somebody had you.”
“And whose fault would that’ve been?” I hiccupped.
“You’ve been drinking.”
“So?” I threw my arms wide open. “I’m twenty-two. It’s a free country.”
“Come on. I’ll get you home.” He started to tug on my arm, but I lurched free to plummet back on the comfy bed.
“I’m not going anywhere with you.”
“Ainsley.” He growled my name.
“No,” I burst out, vaulting upright. The room spun. “You made it seem like you wanted to try for us, but this wasn’t a date. It was a mirage. Just a show. You used me to get to Dimakos.”
“It was the easiest way.”
I tossed my head back and laughed hard, the alcohol clearing from my brain. “Do you hear yourself? You don’t give a shit about me at all, do you? I’m still just that kid to you, the one whose brother you killed and who burned down your car.”
He rubbed his temples. “You’re not. You haven’t been for a long time.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“You think it’s easy to switch off what I’ve lived through? What I knew behind bars? You think I want to be a shadow of the monster my father once was? Do you think I like killing?”
“What the hell does that have to do with me?”
He grabbed my wrists one-handed and pushed them over my head, forcing me back on the bed as he crawled on top of me. His eyes locked on mine menacingly.
“Do you think I want to spend every free minute I have thinking about the girl I almost adopted? Do you think I want to fantasize about how a life with the woman whose brother I killed could be? Do you think it’s easy for me to get those pictures of you out of my head?
I stared at them every day for the last two years.
” His grip tightened around my wrists. His body warmed me, his weight smothering my resistance.
And when his lips pressed to my forehead, my chin, and my throat, I leaned into it, begging for more.
“Do you think that every time I see you, I want to remember how you felt naked against me? How soft your skin was? How warm and tight you were around my cock? How perfectly we fit together? I can’t get you out of my head.
I can’t work. I can’t think. Is that what you want to hear?
” His voice rose. “I was supposed to create distance between us. I had resigned myself to that. For you. For me. For everyone. But you couldn’t stay away, and now… ”
“You’re blaming me?”
“I’m as much to blame.”
“Then what do you want?” I cried out, twisting my wrists around and freeing them from his hold.
“I need my revenge. I need to make the bastards pay. You should understand better than most.”
I grabbed onto the lapels of his jacket and shook him.
“So I get stomped on in the process? Am I a game to you? A toy? A chess piece? Do I have to take my pick?”
“You’re a weakness I never expected, yet a craving I need. You’re the joy I never realized I was missing. You’re the woman I want but can’t have.”
“Says who? Right now, all I’m hearing when it comes to us is that you don’t know what you want.”
“I do, but I shouldn’t want it.”
“You can have anything as long as you want it enough and are willing to bear the consequences to get it and keep it.”
He breathed against my skin, his face caressing mine. “You already said I couldn’t have you. A date was the best you could give.”
I shoved against his chest. “No, I said I refused to be temporary. I refuse to be used, to be forgotten, to be unloved, and to be kept a secret. I don’t want something fake.” I sagged beneath him. “I want it to be real. I wanted there to be an us, but after tonight…I don’t know if that’s possible.”
His forehead pressed against mine. “Tonight was…particular.”
I searched his eyes. They weren’t stoic, but they weren’t begging for forgiveness either. “You ignored me. You acted as if I wasn’t there. Just a sidepiece to be discarded at the right time and place. You think that’s okay?”
“The situation demanded it. The person standing by my side needs to understand those things and adapt.”
“Then I’m not the right person.” I turned my head away, but he rolled us onto our sides to face each other.
“If I say you are?”
“That’s a lie. If you wanted me as that person, even just a little bit, you would’ve told me the plan. You would’ve included me. Trusted me. I knew you were using me to find Dimakos before I even walked through the restaurant’s doors, but I wanted to give you a chance. You made your choice.”
My eyes watered, but I didn’t blink and let tears run. His long, thick fingers cupped my face, but I shook my head.
“What I thought was possible between us was nothing more than a stupid crush I’d built up in my head.”
“No. No, it wasn’t.” There was a desperation building in his touch, his voice, his eyes, that left me more confused than ever.
“I can’t keep doing this with you. On, off. I’m not a light switch. I won’t be your fake wife. I won’t be your disposable lover either. You want revenge, go for it, but don’t ever make me an unwilling tool again. You need my help, ask. And if I agree, then make me a part of it. Don’t leave me out.”
“Now you’re telling me what to do.”
“Do you even want me in your life? I don’t mean as the family doctor, or as Tore’s family, or even as your secret pen pal anymore.
Do you want me as more?” He sat up, his expression closed off.
“Because I do, and you being here makes me think that you do too, but if a tool is all you want, I’ll let that go, faster than you think. ”
“You’re that fickle?”
“No. I’m that decisive. I won’t compromise on what I want.
I won’t give in because of how I feel for a man.
If that man deserves me, he won’t suppress me.
He won’t ostracize me. He won’t leave me behind.
He’ll treasure me. I thought it would be you, but I won’t settle if it’s not. So what do you want?”
When he didn’t answer, I sat up, turning my back to him.
“I won’t be going back to Tore’s Santa Rosa home for a few days.
During that time, don’t write me. Don’t call me.
I won’t answer. I don’t want to hear from you.
I don’t want to see you. Not unless you’re certain of what this is between us, whatever that may be.
You can be a prisoner, a don, a president, a fucking emperor.
I don’t care. It won’t change who I am and what I want. ”
“You’re leaving me with very few options. I don’t like getting boxed in.”
“Take this time as a breather. You haven’t really had one since you got out of prison.”
“You think you can get rid of me so easily?” he growled.
“Is that what I’m trying to do?”
His eyes bounced between mine, searching.
“I want you to choose me.” I grabbed his hand.
His engulfed mine—strong, powerful—his hold steadfast. If only it were more than just his hand.
“I want to believe that I fell for you despite everything because we’re soulmates.
Love me or not, it’s up to you. Rank your priorities, but I won’t settle for less than number one. ”
“Ainsley…”