Chapter Twenty-Nine
W e had made it onto the train. We were headed for the bunkers, our one chance at survival. Hope tried to bloom in my chest, but it was impossible, not when two holes stunted the growth, torn into me by the two men left standing on the platform.
The wheels moved quickly on the tracks, Warner and Rainer growing further and further away until they faded from view. A solid crack split my heart and I couldn’t contain the sob that broke free.
Tears streamed freely down my cheeks and then two strong arms were around me, pulling me into a warm chest. Murphy murmured against my head, wetness dripping onto my hair and I knew he couldn’t contain the tears any more than I could.
I peeked up at him through blurry eyes, uttering the words, “They’re gone.”
He nodded in agreement, biting his lip to stem the sobs. The rest of the group surrounding us weren’t fairing much better. Lucas and Stephanie were inconsolable in their mother’s arms, thinking of their father.
I shared in their grief, knowing the pain of watching your father killed before your eyes. But it was different. They were too young. Too innocent to experience this grief. I wanted to hold them in my arms, to wipe away their pain, but I couldn’t even control my own.
“This isn’t fair,” I choked through another sob, my chest heaving as I tried to get air into my lungs.
How many times would I think that in the next few months? At this point, it had already been thousands. It wasn’t fair that my parents were dead. That Alex was dead. It wasn’t fair that the twins would never see their father again. That so many people had been left on those tracks, no chance at surviving what was to come.
And it wasn’t fair that I lost more people I cared for. I wanted to yell to the sky, beg for a different story, a happy ending that I always thought I’d find. This wasn’t how my life was supposed to turn out.
“Alessia, you need to take a deep breath,” Aiden urged from my side, and I realized I was hyperventilating, unable to calm myself.
Murphy pressed a hand against my chest, placing mine on his, breathing deeply. The motion was soothing beneath my palm and I gathered my breath, imitating the movement. Moments later, my chest was calm, my breaths less erratic.
But my heart was another story. You couldn’t fix something you couldn’t see. And I knew that from now until my last day, I would be a broken shell of the woman I once was.
After the tears finally faded, our group convened in the back corner of the train. There were probably around sixty people shoved inside, fitting together like sardines in a can. But no one complained about the squeeze, too aware of the other option. We could have been the ones stuck on the tracks, left behind.
Aiden sifted through one of the bags we had brought, pulling out cans of vegetables we had brought from the house. Using a knife, he peeled the tops off, handing them out.
Elizabeth made sure both of the kids ate, Sasha and Mina sharing a can while Aiden passed the last one to me.
“What about you?” I asked, looking at the watery contents inside.
He shrugged his shoulders. “I’ll be okay. We shouldn’t be inside the train for more than two days.”
My brows furrowed in distaste and after shoving half the cold vegetables down my throat, I handed Aiden the can.
“You’re going to eat.” I dared him to argue, but he didn’t.
I didn’t need to voice my concerns, to remind him what we had lost, what I had lost. And I wasn’t going to lose him over something as silly as not eating.
After the small meals were finished, we sat in silence. Soft murmurs filled the space, other groups speaking low to each other, but none of us knew what to say.
Eventually, we all huddled in different corners, preparing to sleep. There wasn’t much else we could do. Eat and sleep and mourn in silence would be our norm for the next several days. And I didn’t dare to think of what awaited us once we arrived at our destination.
The train was dim, only one light in the car. Most of the people inside were asleep, the majority of them strangers. Women, men, and children alike dotted the space inside. I wondered if their families were whole or if they had been separated as we had. Did they know the pain that lived inside of me?
Murphy’s gaze met mine, unable to find sleep like me. He reached a hand toward me, tangling our fingers. We lied on our sides, facing each other, a cocoon of grief surrounding us.
“Tell me they’ll find a way,” I whispered, and Murphy’s face shuttered with agony.
“Tell me the lie,” I begged, silent tears wetting my lashes.
Murphy swallowed, catching the wetness before it could travel down my cheek. “They’ll find a way. You know Rainer, the asshole doesn’t know how to die.”
The teasing fell flat, neither of us able to crack a smile. I knew the words were a lie, created for my own sanity, but I held on to them, nonetheless.
Burrowing closer to Murphy, I dragged a finger across the lines between his brows, hating to see him like this. He was the light, the happiness in the darkness, but he couldn’t pretend right now.
Cupping his cheek in my hand, I let his sorrow wash over me, allowing him to shoulder mine. Both of us have lost someone, but as our breath mingled, I reminded myself that we were together. We were alive.
“Tell me the truth,” I mumbled, softly brushing my lips against his.
Murphy hesitated, but finally, he gave me the truth. And so much more.
“This world is cruel. It takes and takes and rarely gives. But it gave me you. And I’ll be thankful for the rest of my days, however long that is.”
Resting his forehead against mine, he spoke so low, a secret confessed in the darkness between the two of us as he shared his soul with me.
The next words were left unspoken, our hearts too broken to utter them out loud. But they flowed through me nonetheless and I knew Murphy felt them, too. I could only hope Warner and Rainer knew the truth as well.
I love you.