Chapter 6
The urge to run still haunts me, hounding me like a relentless ghost from my past, but here in the presence of Jules, memories continue to seep through the cracks of my mind and not just ones of the nightmare I lived for six years.
The potion Maciah gave me was a double-edged sword. Not only did the spell dull my emotions, but the more I took the doses provided, the more I began to completely forget who I was and those I once cared for.
The toll of such magic has been steep; it frayed the very fabric of my being, leaving me a shell of the man I once was. Every dose pushed my memories further into the abyss, and my purpose narrowed to a singular, desperate quest—to free the captured supernaturals.
I have no idea if that had been Maciah’s and Andie’s intention when they created that potion for me, or if it was the side effects of long-term use, but either way, the magic nearly destroyed me.
My thoughts keep wondering what might have happened next if Jules hadn’t shown up today, if it hadn’t been her that they sent instead of anyone else.
Though, as much as I can sense how much Jules cares, I can also tell she’s holding back. She says she’s not afraid of me and I believe her, but there’s something she’s keeping from me.
“So,” she starts, her voice slicing through the thick silence as the tires crunch along the timber road, “What did you want to talk about?”
Her knuckles are white, her body coiled with tension, and I lay a hand over hers, hoping my physical touch will offer her some comfort. “Maybe you should tell me what’s on your mind first.”
She shakes her head, keeping her eyes on the road. “I’m just glad you’re here.”
The words are a half-truth at best, but I don’t press. Instead, I wade into the waters of my own regret. “I really am sorry that I left without a goodbye. If I had known how long I was going to be gone…”
She glances at me, her soothing gaze offering a sliver of forgiveness. “You made the right choice, River. Not being away for six years, but leaving without telling me yourself.” She finally gives me a half-smile. “I would have made a scene, and it wouldn’t have been pretty.”
My eyes can’t move from her mouth. I want to kiss her so badly, but I still feel as if I have no right. She might be all grown up now, but I have no idea what’s happened in her life since we last saw one another.
“I couldn’t remember you,” I tell her, deciding the only way to get through this is just to say the words. “I couldn’t remember anyone or anything after a while. All I knew was that I needed to save those who had been taken.”
Her smile reappears. “You saved Lexi’s friends. I remember that day. I’d been heading for the lake when I heard her scream. I’d run, wondering if something bad had happened. By the time I got to the pack house, she was crying happy tears and going on about how she knew that you would find them.”
I have no clue which of the warehouses had held Lexi’s friends, but it’s a small balm to know that I gave my old friend that sense of peace. She’d been one of those held captive and escaped before I’d gotten involved. Her mate Lykem had been so angry when I left, thanks to Jules’ sister killing our best lead, but hopefully the dragon shifter no longer holds that against her.
“I did a lot of things I’m not proud of and I hate that I was gone for so long, but saving those people? I can’t regret that,” I tell her as we turn onto a paved road.
Her stare returns to mine, strong and sure. “And you shouldn’t. Not for any reason, River.”
My stomach dips and churns as my heartrate increases. Damn, this woman is everything I could have hoped for and more.
I continue, telling her more about the pieces I can remember and about the potion that hopefully won’t have lasting effects. Though, only Andie will likely be able to tell me.
As soon as I’m done speaking, Jules reaches for her phone that’s been sitting in the cup holder. The time on the screen shows it’s nearly three in the morning.
“Who are you calling?” I ask when she starts pressing buttons.
She doesn’t reply, but I have my answer just a second later when the voice on the other end asks, “Did you find him?”
“Hello, Dawsyn,” I say, sharing a smile with Jules.
“You motherfucker,” Dawsyn practically growls, then she sucks in a sharp breath that gets cut off as the line goes silent.
“Dawsyn?” Jules asks, concern that matches mine filling her tone.
I can see the call is still connected, but maybe we don’t have good enough service.
“Just a minute,” my best friend says, her voice cracking before things go quiet again.
“I’m sorry, D,” I tell her softly. Though, my apology feels inadequate after all this time. “I promise I’ll make this up to you.”
“Just don’t ever do that again.” There’s a hitch to her words. I’ve made Dawsyn Chase cry.
Going home isn’t going to be as easy as I hope, but I know facing everyone I left behind isn’t something that can be ignored. I’ve missed too much already.
“Give him a break, Dawsyn,” Jules cuts in. “It’s not like he had much of a choice.”
I raise a brow, expecting Dawsyn to snap back, but she takes a steadying breath. “I know. I’m sorry. It’s just hearing your voice… How soon will you be back?”
“About ten hours driving,” Jules answers, which I appreciate because I know we’re in Colorado, just not exactly where.
Dawsyn growls. “That won’t work. Stop and send me your GPS coordinates. We’ll have the two of you home in five minutes. Someone else can drive the truck back.”
“It’s the middle of the night,” I tell her. “Go back to bed, and we’ll see you in the afternoon.”
Something still feels off with Jules and I’m not ready to share my time with her yet, but it doesn’t seem I’ll be getting my way.
“Don’t argue with me, River,” Dawsyn states sternly. “You’re coming home. Now.”
Jules pulls over and shrugs. “I’m texting a pin to our location now.”
I watch as her fingers fly over the screen, sharing the coordinates.
That felt too easy for her to do.
My stare inspects every inch of her, seeking answers anywhere I might be able to find them. The sincerity of her earlier words, the unmistakable joy I saw in her eyes—none of that was a lie. Yet, her restraint and distance gnaw at me. Could there be someone else?
Six years is a long time to wait. I might understand… No, I couldn’t. My fingers curl toward my palms. Even the thought of her wanting someone sends a surge of possessiveness through my veins, making me murderous.
Jules catches my hardened stare, and she frowns. “We’ll see you soon, Dawsyn.” Then she hangs up the phone and looks back at me. “What’s wrong?”
“I feel as if I have no right to ask this since I’m the one that left, but is there someone else?” The words burn like acid along my tongue. Even speaking them makes me want to vomit.
She rears back as if I’ve slapped her. “Gods, no. Why would you think that? I’ve never even looked at another since meeting you. Hell, I haven’t even kissed anyone. The moment I met you, I knew it would only ever be you.”
Guilt overtakes me as I reach for her, pulling her into a tight embrace. “I’m sorry, Jules. This is all a lot, and I thought you didn’t want to be alone with me and?—”
She pulls back enough to look into my eyes, cutting me off. “You are all I have dreamed of for six years, River. When it’s time for us to be alone, I won’t leave your side, but what you’ve been through, you need to work through that.”
Before I can understand her meaning, Aunt Andie”s arrival is sudden and jarring as she jerks open my door and yanks me from the warmth of the truck cab. “River!” Her cry is laced with a relief that chokes off the rest of her words.
“I’m fine. It’s okay.” I return her embrace even though my mind is still on Jules’ previous words.
Aunt Andie steps back, her scrutiny as intense as it is caring. Fine lines crease around her blue eyes, and her pink hair has lightened over the years to show more blonde, but she’s still the same witch I remember.
“You’re okay,” she says, likely more of a reassurance for herself. “Let’s get the two of you home.” She looks past me at Jules. “Thank you.”
“No thanks needed,” my mate replies and gets out on her side of the truck.
Aunt Andie hugs me again as we wait for Jules to join us. “I knew that potion was a bad idea. I should have listened to my gut, but all I could think about were all those stolen lives?—”
I stop her right there. “It’s in the past now. We freed the supernaturals, and Jules broke through the block on my memories.”
Her frown deepens. “You couldn’t remember us?”
“Let’s just get back to the pack,” I tell her. “It’s late and we’re all tired.”
Plus, I know I’m going to have to tell this story too many more times for my liking and I just want to be with my mate. Might as well tell it once more tonight in front of Dawsyn and hope that’s enough to buy me some time with Jules.
That is if she’ll have me.
You can pretend you’re fine all you want, but our mate knows what it means to experience trauma, my wolf finally speaks up.
It’s felt so long since we’ve had steady communication that I almost forgot we could speak with each other.
What do you mean?I ask, wondering if he somehow knows something that I don’t.
I mean that we’re not okay, he states. Being reunited with Jules has dulled our pain, but we were ready to die before she showed up. That’s not something you just get over. What we’ve had to do to survive since leaving isn’t something that we will soon forget. Be prepared for the chance that things may get worse before they get better.
I shake my head. That can’t be right. I made it home. I deserve to be with my mate. I deserve some fucking peace.
Yet, the way my rage just spiked, I can’t help but wonder if he’s right.
I don’t want to talk about this right now, I say. Let me have tonight.
He quiets, and I reach for Jules, needing her touch more than ever.
She looks up at me and smiles, sending my heart into my throat. She takes away every bit of pain and panic with just one look, scattering any of the lingering shadows from within my mind. I don’t know how I went so long without her or could forget her, but I won’t make that mistake again. Not for anyone or anything.
“Everyone ready?” Aunt Andie asks, nudging me back to the present.
Without looking away from my mate, I nod. “Let’s get this over with.”
“Dawsyn promised it wouldn’t be more than her and Cillian when we get there.”
I hope she’s right.
My aunt grabs each of our arms, and the world falls out from beneath me for a few beats before I feel the earth under my feet again.
Taking a deep inhale, I sigh. Home.
I might not have ever officially lived here, but I’ve always known I’d end up in Texas. As much as I love my parents, being back east was never where I belonged.
Before I can really get my bearings, I’m ripped from Jules’ side and tackled to the ground. “River!” Dawsyn is on top of me, her arms locked around my waist and her face buried against my chest. “I missed you so fucking much.”
I manage to free an arm and rub a hand over her back. “I missed you, too.”
I catch Jules grinning from above us. At least she isn’t jealous. Though, I know if another man was hugging her like this—even if he was her best friend—someone would need to be holding me back.
Dawsyn finally releases me, and when I can see her face, her eyes are red and puffy. I knew I’d made her cry earlier, but hearing and seeing her pain are two very different things.
“I’m here and I’m okay,” I tell her softly. Even though my reassurances don’t feel like enough, they’re all I have to offer at the present.
She nods and swallows thickly. “It’s just been a lot.”
“Tell me about it.”
We get up and she says, “Why don’t you tell us about it?”
“Maybe he should get some rest,” Jules says. “You have a room for him inside still, and I can bring some of his things over.”
My gaze locks on hers and I open my mouth, but words escape me. How could she not want me by her side? Even just the idea that my mate doesn’t want my company sends a jolt of cold dread through my veins.
Even Dawsyn stutters over her words. “If that’s what you want, River.”
No, it’s not what I want, but I’m still staring at Jules and more confused than ever.
Cillian steps in, pulling Dawsyn from my side. “How about we give them time to sort things out, and everyone can catch up in the morning?”
“That’s a great idea,” Aunt Andie says. “I’m staying here tonight, River. I’ll give you a magical checkup when you’ve had some rest.”
My eyes are still locked on Jules as Andie, Dawsyn, and Cillian head for the pack house. My heart hammers in my chest, but I finally force out the words I need to say. “Do you want me to go with them?”
She shakes her head as her lower lip begins to quiver.
Compelled by the need to comfort her, I rush toward my mate and cradle her precious face between my hands with a gentleness that doesn’t match the storm of emotions within my mind and heart. “What’s wrong, Jules?”
“I’m so scared of screwing this up,” she says, and tears start to fall down her cheeks. “I want to pretend everything is fine, that you weren’t lost in some way for six years, but I also want to make sure that you’re okay, even if that means I’m not.”
“What are you saying?” I ask softly, needing to understand what her and my wolf are trying to say.
Her gaze holds mine even as she shakes within my hands. “That maybe you need to process everything you’ve been through without me.”
My heart is shattering, not for the words she’s saying, but because of what she went through. I left my mate to heal from her past on her own. She had her sister, but she also knew I was out there somewhere. Not just the idea of a mate, she knew me, and yet, she couldn’t have me.
The consequences of my choices are catching up with me and I have a feeling they will be for some time.
“I’m sorry I left you when you needed me most, Jules,” I tell her, my voice rough. “That wasn’t fair to you even if everyone told us it was for the best. I could have been your best friend, but instead I abandoned you, believing that would make everything easier for the both of us. You’ve become an incredible woman, and this might be selfish of me to ask, but I don’t want to lose you. I can’t. Not for the night or even another minute. It’s not fair of me to ask this of you, but don’t make me do this alone. I need you and you alone. Please let me stay with you.”
Her cries turn to sobs, and I can’t hold back my own tears. I hate that this happened to us. I hate that I hurt her when I left and that I felt the need to leave. Though I can’t regret saving everyone that I could, it doesn’t mean I have to like everything about the outcome of my choices.
“I’m so sorry,” she mutters into my chest. “I wanted to be strong for you. I’m trying. I just… I missed you so much.”
I kiss the top of her head. “I know and it’s okay, but let’s not lose another moment. I promise I will work through what happened while I was gone and I will be the mate you deserve, but don’t make me do it alone. I’m not as strong as you.”
It’s a fact I’m beginning to see, because not only did I leave her, but she was willing to give me up again because she thought it was the right thing. Maybe it is, but I’m too selfish to let this woman go. I need her too much.
“Okay.”
Hope blooms in my chest. “Okay? As in okay, we can go home and I can hold my mate tonight?”
She nods and smiles through the tears. “I would love nothing more.”
Her fingers interlace with mine, and she guides me toward the tree line where I know there are cabins. Every step forward feels like healing, but I know her worries about me aren’t for nothing, and I vow to do whatever it takes to be the mate Jules deserves.
I won’t ever let her down again.