39. Chapter 39
Veronica
He takes my hand and leads me to his office on the opposite side of the house.
Computer monitors fill the space. As soon as I enter, my eyes go to his desk.
There's a woman with short curly hair. Her eyes and nose are identical to Miles’s.
I know it’s his mother. I move to take a closer look and pick up the frame.
“She was so beautiful.”
I look at him, and he seems lost in the past. “She was.”
“Did you know she used to send my mother orchids? And that she gave my mother one of her paintings?”
“I didn’t know about the flowers, but I saw the painting the night of the party when I carried you to your bedroom. But I shouldn’t have been surprised—Mama loved your mom. She was very upset to lose her close friend when we returned to Colombia.”
He takes the frame from my hands and places it exactly where it was.
Then holds my hand and leads me to the chair in front of the monitors.
He takes a seat and grabs me by my waist, sitting me on his lap.
When I settle onto him, I can feel the coiled tension in his thighs, the heat of him burning through his sweatpants.
He doesn't look at me; instead, his gaze is fixed on the wall of glowing monitors, his chin resting just above my shoulder. His proximity is dizzying. I can smell the tropical shampoo and a scent that’s only him.
"You wanted to see," he murmurs, his voice vibrating against my back. It’s a low, dark sound that sends a shiver straight down my spine.
“There is no going back to the girl you were ten minutes ago. You’ll see the world the way I see it.
Dangerous. Predatory." His hand leaves my waist to reach for the mouse, his arm brushing against mine. The friction feels like a live wire.
He clicks the mouse over a file with my name on it. Then he types in codes. I take a deep breath, and he pulls up three images. They’re of me at Tabitha’s house. I’m completely naked. Changing into my swimsuit for the pool party she was hosting. I take a deep breath. “Show me more,” I tell him.
“This is the photo you sent me weeks ago.” He pulls up the message I sent him.
“This.” He takes a deep breath as he coils his arm around my waist. As if I’m going to run.
“These are others that I found but was able to take down as well. He pulls up the photo. It’s the first photo that was sent to me.
"What else?" I repeat, pushing past the hot wave of shame.
The tears track cold lines down my cheeks, but my voice is steady.
A strange, sharp defiance is blooming in my chest, replacing the fear.
Miles's body is rigid beneath me. The arm coiled around my waist tightens almost painfully, his knuckles white.
"Veronica, this is enough," he warns, his voice low and dangerous, less of a plea and more of an order. He shifts his hand from the mouse to rest it over mine on my thigh, as if to physically stop me from asking for more.
"I need to know. You’re holding back.”
"I’m holding back for you," he grinds out.
"Let me see it," I demand. I can feel the frustration coming off him and the fear he’s trying to suppress. He removes his hand from my thigh and clicks the mouse over another file.
The photograph is the last one I let Tony take of me. It’s of me kissing a woman we’d met at a club. She and I are naked. I can see behind us; it’s the reflection of Tony with his phone camera flashing. I’m not ashamed of having been with a woman; I’m ashamed that I let Tony control me for so long.
“Did you like being with a woman?” he asks as I’m getting ready for our night out.
“I did, but that doesn’t matter. I’m with you now,” I answer.
“What does your family think of it?”
“Well, they don’t think anything. They want me to be happy regardless of who I’m with. The issue is me dating,” I tell him. “My mother met a girl I dated at boarding school; she didn’t care.”
I know where this is going, and I hate that this even came up.
Tabitha mentioned bumping into a girl I dated, and Tony started asking questions.
And here we are. I don’t want this conversation to ruin our night.
We decided to try and fix our relationship.
After our huge fight last weekend, when he was jealous of me traveling overseas for a couple of weeks.
“Sweetheart?”
The nickname. I once loved it; now it grates on my last nerve. “Yes.”
“How about we find someone to have fun with tonight?”
An uneasy feeling takes over. “I thought we were going to work on us? Since I’ll be traveling with my family, I want to spend as much time with you as possible.”
He walks to me. “It would make me happy and make me feel better about you leaving me for a couple of weeks.”
I bite my lower lip.
“Please, sweetheart,” he pleads.
“But…Tony.”
“Sweetheart, you want to show me how much you love me, right?”
I nod. Because I do love him. I hate my parents for making me travel. But I never felt that way before.
“Look.” He puts his hand in his jeans pocket and pulls out some pills. “This will help and make us all feel good.”
“Okay.”
He smiles. And that’s what we did. We went out to a club and brought a girl back to his place.
Where we got high and had sex. The next day, I woke up and found him fucking her in the shower, so I grabbed my things and left.
He reached out and told me how I’d never find someone who would love me.
He apologized and begged me for forgiveness.
He told me that I was all he had. And I believed him and went back. Until I couldn’t do it anymore.
I stare at the photograph. My breathing is shallow. “I need to be alone.” It’s all I can say. I feel Miles’s hold around me loosen. I can’t face him. I can’t face myself. The thought of my brothers and cousins having seen this is more than I can bear.
“Ver—” I don’t hear the rest because I slam the door behind me and start walking.
I walk down the stairs. I walk outside past the garden.
I walk into the jungle. The moon is bright, so I can see exactly where I’m going.
I walk until I stand in front of a small stream, past exotic flowers, and into the tree line.
The dense foliage swallows me whole. The ground is soft under my bare feet.
This is the first moment of peace I’ve felt since I looked at those monitors.
I stare into the flowing water, watching the current carry away fallen leaves, wishing it could take away the images burned into my mind.
Alcohol and pills would help right about now, but it’d only be a quick fix for a long-term problem.
I have to find a way to live with this. I stand here, lost in my thoughts, the cool air settling around my wet cheeks.
I hear rustling behind me. I don’t have to turn to see who it is.
If there’s one thing for certain, Miles will always find me.
That seems to be the only thing I’m sure of in this turmoil.
“I can’t even look at you,” I whisper. “All this time you’ve had those photographs. I can’t imagine what you thought about me.”
“Baby,” he says.
I close my eyes. I can feel him stop right behind me.
“I was so stupid,” I whisper, the words catching in my throat. “I let him take them because I thought…I thought if I gave him everything, he wouldn’t need anything else. I thought I was enough.”
“Did you start using with him?” he asks.
“Yes. At first, it was to make him happy. Then it was to make me happy. Then it was to forget.”
“You trusted someone and trusted them wholeheartedly. That was your only mistake.” He wraps around my body as he leans down into my ear.
He whispers, “The only thing I thought of when I saw those photographs is how I wish to whatever higher being that I would have been able to protect you sooner and how I wish I could have ripped him to pieces over and over. Did he ever hurt you?” he asks.
“Not in a physical sense. But…but he pushed me to do things I wasn’t ready for.
” He stands still, like a statue. He’s waiting for me to tell him.
“A couple of months into our relationship, we got into a huge fight about me not being ready for him to meet my family. I kept the relationship a secret. It was too soon for me. He called me selfish and said I was only using him to act out. I left and didn’t answer his calls or messages for days.
He begged me to forgive him. He told me that he loved me.
That I could take my time because we were worth it.
I went over to his place, and he convinced me to try and work on our relationship.
Sex was always how we’d fix things. For better or worse.
He tried to convince me to take a pill, but I didn't want to. He said it would help with what he wanted to try. But I didn’t take it.
I know he was upset. We started fooling around.
He bent me over, and I knew what he wanted to do.
I’d never done anal, and I didn't feel comfortable. I told him so, but he said it would prove to him how much I cared about him. I tried to relax, but it was too much for me. Too painful. I begged him to stop. Eventually, he did. He apologized, and I forgave him. Why wouldn’t I?
He told me he loved me. You don’t hurt the people you love, right?
God, I was so stupid because I stayed. He had such a hold on me. ”
We don’t speak. We just stand here.