36. Kenny
Kenny
M y feet jiggle impatiently against the floor. Sandra, my lovely, patient therapist, peers over her half-moon glasses. Sighing, I slump back down onto the couch. Crossing my arms, I blow out a breath and stare at the ceiling.
“So,” she says finally. “You’re feeling more connected to your mates. That’s really good progress, Kennedy.”
My small huff escapes without my permission. “Sorry.”
“What is it about them that’s bothering you?”
“Nothing. They’re… they’re doing everything they need to do.”
“I sense a but .”
“But,” I say quietly. “We’re not doing everything I’d like to do.”
Only Theo wears my bite. And I don’t wear… any of theirs. It’s starting to feel unfair. “They’re waiting for me to make a move. To show them, Doc. That I’m … okay. And I don’t know how to do that.”
I don’t even know if I am. “I think I am. But how do I know that I’m really ready?”
“What happened to you was incredibly traumatic.” Sandra makes a note in her pad. “Taking things slowly is the right approach. Are they pushing you in any way?”
“No.” I almost grumble it. “It’s almost like they don’t want me. But… I told them I wanted to wait for my heat. I want us all to be on the same page. Completely focused on each other.”
But I wouldn’t mind feeling just a little bit desirable. Less like a pile of blankets that needs feeding regularly. “Maybe I should just go for it. Abrams said that my stats are healthy. You know what that means.”
“Do you mean your heat?”
My face flushes. “Yes. I know it’s coming. Maybe even soon. And I don’t want to have a panic attack in the middle of it. Not for my first time.”
And this is my first time. Brett… he doesn’t count. Not like this.
I repeat the words to myself. He. Does. Not. Count. “I want my heat to be about us . All of us, coming together for the first time and everyone being on the same page. He doesn’t get a say in that. He doesn’t get to come through that door and ruin it for us.”
He’s taken enough.
“You’ve faced some difficult issues over the last few months. Do you remember what we said about the body, versus the mind?”
I breathe in. “My mind might be able to tell the difference between them and… and him. But my body might not.”
“That’s right,” she says gently. “The body remembers far more than we realize. Your personal sexual landscape has irrevocably shifted, and now it’s for you to learn that new landscape. But bullying yourself into sex sooner than you’re ready for as a form of aversion therapy is unlikely to help you feel reassured and safe in the moment. Possibly the opposite, and you’ll find yourself further away from your goal than when you started.”
“And how do I start? Where does this landscape begin?”
“Where all things start and end,” she says airily. Her smile grows when I glance at her, askance. “With yourself, Kennedy. Learn your own body, and you may find the rest easier to follow. Don’t be afraid to play. You might want to wait for your heat, but that doesn’t mean you can’t build up your comfort levels in the meantime. Take a little look under the hood, so to speak.”
My face flushes scarlet. “I can do that.”
***
This mirror feels as though it’s mocking me. I glance at the bed again, debating.
“Okay.” I pull off my hoodie – well, Jake’s hoodie. My jeans. My underwear.
Swallowing, I glance at the closed door. The window. Anywhere but my own reflection.
“It starts with me,” I repeat. “Don’t be such a chicken shit, Kennedy.”
My own personal pep talk. A little unorthodox, perhaps. But I take a deep breath, my eyes sliding to mine in the mirror. And then…down.
Frowning, I take in the sight of my own naked body. Twist, turning to look over my shoulder. The black lines feel like they’re everywhere. And yet… I still see me behind them.
It helps. Turning back, I blow out a breath. Debate putting on some music. Maybe lighting a candle.
My hands brush over my neck first. Lower, tracing my skin. I avoid the urge to follow my scars, focusing on the gaps instead.
And there are… plenty of them, I realize. Plenty of gaps of golden skin. Maybe even enough for my own mating bonds. For their bites. I can almost see it as my hands trail across. Where they fit. Almost perfectly.
Lower. My hands sweep lower, rubbing across my stomach in soft circles. My breathing huffs, quickening a little.
My thumb slips, brushing against the red curls at the apex of my thighs. My face feels as though it’s on fire. Take your time. Don’t rush.
I wait until the feeling of warmth. Grows. Spreads. Until a tingle has me shifting in place, biting on my lip.
My reflection looks flushed. But my lips part as I push my fingers down, spearing through curls.
And I think about… them. About how their hands would feel. They’re so much bigger than mine. Rougher.
My eyes turn hazy as I trace the dampness. Follow it, testing my own wetness and spreading myself.
Oh. This – this is—
My legs wobble as I run a careful finger over the hood of my clit. Rub at it in small, soft circles. A little harder, until my hips shift restlessly.
More.
I take a step back. Another, until the bed hits the back of my thighs. I scramble back, laying my head on the pillow and letting my legs fall open.
I can move more, this way. Pump my hips, as my scent fills the air around me. But it smells…richer than usual. Deeper, and a low purr sounds in my throat as my hands move.
This is fun.
My head tips back, and I let the noises out. My soft, panting sounds – they only push me harder, every bit of me tingling as something draws closer.
So. Close.
I close my eyes. Imagine different hands in place of my own. My other hand reaches for my breasts, playing with my nipples, little shocks of sensitivity as I squirm on the bed.
My eyes fly open as I gasp. My body clenches, my back bowing. And warmth soaks my fingers as fireworks take off between my legs, popping and bursting like sparks in my line of sight. My hoarse cry spills out.
I flop back into the bedding, gasping into the scent-soaked bedroom.
Holy. Shit.
Wow.
***
My cheeks feel like they’re on fire as I pad down the stairs.
They’re not going to know . My bedroom window is wide open, my hands scrubbed and cleaned, new underwear in place.
Hello, slick city.
Of course they’re not going to know. I’ve almost persuaded myself as I hit the bottom of the stairs.
Four faces turn to me as I step into the living room.
Four, very strained, very-obviously-trying-to-hide-their-feelings faces.
Fuck. They know.
“Hi,” Oscar croaks.
“Uh.” I shift, rubbing my foot against my leg. “Hi?”
I try to casually sniff the air. My nose fills with the scent of my own damn musk.
Shit. I literally filled the house with the scent of slick.
My face bursts into flames. Someone groans. Possibly Max.
“Ken.” Oscar tries to sound steady, but his nostrils flare. He drops his head, breathing heavily as his hand grips the arm of the chair. “I…we…,”
Oh, god . “You can smell it,” I say miserably.
“It’s okay,” Max says hoarsely. “It’s fine, baby. I’m… glad. For you.”
My mate… is congratulating me on masturbating.
I thought them smelling me was bad enough. This might be worse. Theo shifts in place. I watch, my mouth open as he and Jake have a small wrestling match over a cushion. Theo’s face is scarlet as he turns to me. “You’re okay?”
Maybe there’s a little bit of excitement left over. Because my stomach does a little backflip as they all focus on me.
And if I doubted that they wanted me… I don’t anymore.
I can see it.
Max shifts, shooting me a pleading look. “Could you… pass me a blanket?”
Silently, I cross to the basket and pick up a soft green blanket.
“This is fine,” Oscar says quietly. “We’re going to… to go and shower. We’ll open some windows. Don’t worry, Kenny. You’re safe with us.”
Safe? I’m not worried about being safe. Of course I’m safe. I meet his eyes, let him see. “I’m not worried about that.”
Some of the tension leaves his face. “Good.”
I study them. That tingling starts to roll around my stomach again.
Maybe… I could try. Not everything. But a little bit. Maybe this is a good opportunity.
My feet shift as I bite down on my lip. “Could I…can I look? At one of you?”
They turn to stone.
“Whatever you want,” Oscar says finally. “We’ll… stay here. You tell us what you need.”
Murmured agreement.
I let the blanket slip through my fingers. Turn to them. Assessing.
Fuck. They’re… pretty. Like, really pretty.
You need to take control of this situation, Kenny. Right now.
Before I lose my nerve. So I take a breath, planting my hands on my hips. They watch every movement like coiled predators, and my breath catches.
“You can play, baby.” Jake catches my eye. “Whatever you want.”
It’s a heady feeling. So I take my time, my lip almost twitching as I… play. As I linger in front of Oscar, feeling his breath catch as I run my fingers through his hair. His hands don’t move, but he twists, pressing his lips to my hand as it skates close to his mouth.
My smile grows. God, his dominance is strong. Maybe a little too strong for this first time. I have another of my mates in mind.
Max’s knuckles are white against his jeans when I reach him. My head tilts in silent question, and he opens his arms in invitation.
His mouth falls open when I kneel. “Kenny?”
My fingers press into the denim of his jeans. “Can I… play?”
“Shit – yes.” He swallows. “Any game in particular?”
I smirk at him. “Snakes and ladders.”
Theo laughs quietly. Max grits his teeth as I lean forward, brushing my fingers over the denim. I look up at him, suddenly uncertain. “Kiss me?”
“Hell to the yes.” His hands are instantly on my face, his lips gentle. Max tastes like the forest he loves so much as he brushes his lips over mine, up and down, his tongue tracing my lower lip.
My eyes feel lidded when he pulls back. But my grin is mischievous. “ Thank you.”
Jake groans. But Max’s smile falters as I lean forward, cupping him carefully through his jeans. He feels… heavy. Solid. Warm.
“Yours,” he murmurs. I glance up at him. “All yours.”
My mate. He shifts as I reach for the zip. “I’ll help you?”
At my nod, he tugs on the zip, lowering it. His white boxers are damp beneath, and his cheeks flush. “Like I said. All yours.”
I did that. I trace the wetness with a single finger, and his cock… twitches. My head jerks back.
I mean… I know biology. I studied alphas and omegas. I saw the models in sex ed. I know how this works. In theory.
I push away the other thoughts. Darker thoughts. They don’t belong here.
And that didn’t feel like this.
Max cups his hands behind his head, his hips lifting as I slip my fingers into the waistband of his underwear and tug.
Until his jeans and boxers fall to his ankles, and I pull them off.
I lean in to look more closely. Max’s cock is kind of… pretty? With a curve, and a faint green vein that runs from the thick head down to his—
I suck in a breath at the size of it. “That’s your knot ? It’s freaking huge!”
And it hurts. I know it hurts—
“Hey,” Max’s thumb rubs my cheek. “Stay with me. You okay? You don’t even need to think about this, baby. We can stop, right now.”
I consider it. “I don’t want to stop. I was just… surprised.”
I return my attention to his cock. Max hisses when I wrap my fingers around it. “God, Ken. That feels… that’s so good.”
My cheeks flush. “Sorry. I know you’re probably used to better—,”
Although I don’t want to think about that. Not right now.
“Woah.” Max lifts my chin, searches my face. “You know that none of us have ever been with anyone else, right? This is new to all of us, love. And I promise you that there is nothing better than you.”
My mouth drops open. “I— what ?”
I search in my head for any clues they’ve ever given me. But there’s nothing. “I just kind of assumed that you would have at some point.”
But he’s smiling. “We were sixteen when we met. This is a small place. And none of us ever looked anywhere else.”
“Not when we had you,” Oscar says firmly. “And we’re never going to.”
“So,” Max says quietly. “We can all learn together. Okay?”
I like that idea. I like it a lot.
Feeling a little braver, I return my attention to his dick. I tilt my head, wrapping my fingers around it again. “It’s like a snake. A trouser snake.”
And then I sort of… wiggle it. “WoooOOooo.”
Muffled laughter breaks out around me. Max’s entire body starts shaking. “Fuck, Kenny. That is… that was beautiful.”
Laughter catches in my throat. I let it out with a muffled snort, slapping my other hand over my mouth. “Sorry. I don’t know why I did that.”
I feel a little giddy. Powerful.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I run my closed fist up and down his cock. Slowly, and then a little faster.
Leaning forward, I flick out my tongue. Testing.
Salt. And something… muskier. Something that has my mouth watering.
“F—uck.” The laugher vanishes, replaced by a low groan. Max’s hands slip into my hair, massaging. “Jesus, Ken. That’s… that’s good.”
Good. I want him to feel good.
I want him to lose control. I want to see what it looks like. His hips shift, and he pushes a little deeper. “Shit. Sorry.”
But I follow him back, pushing my mouth down. Until he’s hot and heavy in my mouth, my hand lowering to his base. Lower.
His knot. I run my fingers over it as my head bobs. Try to fit my hand around it. It almost… pulses. But it doesn’t swell in my hand.
That will happen, though. When he’s inside me. For the first time, the thought doesn’t fill me with fear. I wouldn’t mind being close to Max.
His hand caresses my scalp. “Not just yet.”
I could do this. With them.
Closing my eyes, I suck. A little harder, following the sounds he makes until he groans. His words are a rumble. “Baby. I’m going to—you need to pull back.”
The head of his cock slips from my mouth. Licking my lips, I lap at it again. Once more.
And my alpha shudders under my touch, moaning. His hips twist as he bucks. As he comes with a shout, cream spurting from the head of his dick, coating his stomach, his thighs.
And me. I blink as some splatters against my cheek. “Um.”
I’m not sure what the etiquette is for this situation. I swipe it off with my finger and slip it into my mouth to taste. My eyes lock with Max’s wide-eyed stare.
“Shit,” he breathes. “That was— you were—,”
The spell breaks. I feel my face heat as I ease back. “That was okay?”
“More than okay,” Max says dazedly. “Perfect, Kenny.”
“We can practice,” I say hastily. I glance around, taking in the slack jaws.
Holy shit. There’s four of them.
I have four mates.
“Tell me.” Oscar reaches for me first. I go to him, curling myself into his warmth. “What are you thinking?”
“Um.” I mumble the words into his chest, and he makes a decent effort at hiding his amusement. Almost.
This is a lot of cock.
His arm rubs my back. “You don’t have to do anything you want to. Not ever. Slow and steady, okay?”
They won’t let me push myself too hard. I let myself relax into him. “Okay.”