36. Rachel
Chapter thirty-six
Rachel
I was getting out of the shower when I heard Alex yelling down the hall. I dried off my body as fast as possible and put on one of Alex’s white shirts, which I had stolen from his dresser.
I tiptoed down the hall so no one would know I was walking to the office. I put my ear up to the door and listened for a minute.
“I want her back! NOW!” I hear Alex yell into the phone.
There is silence, then a scream, and something hitting the wall.
I know I shouldn’t interrupt whatever is happening, but Alex helped me this morning with my nightmare, and I feel like I owe it to him to make sure he is okay.
I knock on the door and quietly open it. When I peek my head in, Alex pulls at his hair, looking completely defeated.
When he opened his arms to me, I knew all I could do was hug him and be there. Nothing I said or did would help him at that moment.
“Can I help in any way?” I say, looking up at him with soft eyes.
“No Muneca. It’s ok. I have to figure this out, and you have enough on your plate after everything that happened with Andrew’s death...” He stops mid-sentence.
I looked up at him, shocked. “What do you mean after everything that happened with Andrew’s death? What do you know?”
“Umm.” That is all that comes out while avoiding eye contact.
I grab his face with my hands to make him look at me. “What do you know, Alex?”
A single tear falls down his cheek, and he looks at me. I wipe it away with my thumb, and he finally starts to speak. “I know that Andrew is dead. I’m not positive, but when I looked into it, no one came in or out of the house besides you and him. Which leads me to believe you could have possibly killed him.”
My heart stops, and I start to breathe heavily. I can’t even get words out right now.
“Hey, Rachel. Look at me, baby. It’s ok. I’m not mad. I’m not scared. I am so proud of you. If you did kill him, I am so proud of you for finally standing up to him.” He kisses my forehead.
Tears are streaming down my face now. He holds my face in his hands, wiping my tears with his thumbs.
“I don’t understand how you don’t care. I’m a monster. I killed a man. I stabbed him! How can you even look at me right now?” I put my hands on my face so he couldn’t see me, as if it would hide what I had done.
Pulling my hands from my face, he grabbed his office chair, sat down on it, and pulled me onto his lap.
“Shhh. Shhhh. Baby, it’s ok. You don’t have to worry. I am not disgusted, mad, or embarrassed by you. The things I have seen in my life are worse than this. What you did is minor in comparison. I know it doesn’t seem minor, but you did what you had to do. It was self-defense. You are a survivor.” He is rubbing my head and soothing me.
I look up at him with tear-stained cheeks and red eyes. “Can I tell you something? It’s not normal, but I need to say it, and you are the only person I trust right now.”
He still has me in his grasp. “Anything Muneca. You can always tell me anything.”
“I would do it again.” It comes out in a whisper. I am not sure he even heard what I said.
Grabbing my face, he makes me look at him, “Of course you would. You were defending yourself. That takes so much strength. I am in awe of you, Rachel. You are so fucking strong, baby. ”
I look up at him and grab his face with my hands. We stare into each other’s eyes while holding the other’s face for a long minute. The stubble on his face feels scratchy on my hands in the best ways; his eyes are devouring me, and I never want to escape.
“No, Alex, you don’t understand. I liked it. I liked the sound of the blade cutting his skin. I loved hearing the gurgling sound as he was trying to get air. And the metallic smell of the blood in the air turned me on.” I let go of his face and buried my face in my hands. I am completely ashamed of what I am saying. I mean, for fuck sake, I am in school to be a Lawyer, and I am telling my boyfriend that I enjoyed murdering my ex.
Wait a minute. Boyfriend? Where did that come from?
I push the thought away for another time.
“Alex. I am just letting all my truths come out right now. I would do it again. I would kill for you. I would kill for Olivia. I would kill for everyone I care about. And worst of all, I would still sleep fine at night. I don’t have nightmares about killing Andrew; I have nightmares about being raped by him.”
Alex lets go of me and starts to laugh—not just any laugh, a full-belly laugh. He is bent over, trying to catch his breath from laughing so hard.
I cross my arms and stare at him. I don’t know what he thinks is funny about what I just admitted.
After five minutes of tears running down Alex’s face, he finally stopped laughing.
“Phew,” he says, wiping his eyes. “That was great.”
I raise my eyebrow at him. “Want to explain what was so funny?”
“You.” That was all he could say before he started to laugh again.
“What exactly about what I said is oh so funny, Alex?” Now I am irritated, and all my attitude is coming out of my mouth.
He wipes the tears out of his eyes from laughing so hard again and grabs my hands.
“Baby, it’s funny because I could tell you didn’t feel bad when I picked you up at the park. I didn’t know you killed Andrew then, but as soon as I put the two together, I could tell by the way you were acting that the actual killing didn’t bother you at all.” My eyes go big, and my jaw drops. That is not what I expected to come out of his mouth.
“Okay, now that everything about me is out of the way. Want to tell me who you were screaming at and who you want back?” I cross my arms and pop my hip out to the side.
“So…” He trails off like he doesn’t want to say anything. I stand there patiently waiting for him to spit it out.
“So Olivia has been taken.” I try to keep my face neutral, but I feel my heart sink into my stomach.
“Taken?” I feel the rage starting to bubble. I don’t know who thinks they can take my girl, but they have another thing coming for them.
My Girl? Another thing to add to the list to figure out later. When did I get so attached to Alex and Olivia?
“First. Who took her? Second. Where did they take her?” I start to pace the room, hoping it will help calm me down.
Alex grabs my arms to get me to stop pacing and look at him.
“This won’t be easy to hear, and it’s a long story. I don’t know where Olivia is. But I know my grandfather has her.”