Chapter 14
BETH
I tap away on my laptop, answering the messages in my overflowing email box.
Justin says he’s keeping abreast of the jobs I usually take care of.
But he can’t. He’s too busy controlling his end of things, and he’s never had a true appreciation for what I do behind the scenes, keeping the show running and the five-star reviews pouring in.
Justin walks into the room with a glass of water and my evening medication. Ever since I forgot to take it once, his nightly dispensing has become a ritual. ‘You’re not working, are you? I’ve told you. You need to stop.’
‘We’ve got a problem with the venue contract for the Reading convention.’
Justin places the glass of water on my bedside cabinet and takes the laptop from me. ‘I said you need to stop working. I’ll get someone in the office to sort it out.’
Blue opens one eye, his tail flicking the base of his bed on the floor beside me. ‘We need to talk,’ I say.
‘Not now. I’m tired and you look wiped out. Open your hand.’
I follow his order.
He transfers six tablets into my palm. ‘Here you go.’
‘Six?’ I say. ‘There used to be five.’
He frowns. ‘Don’t you remember? The consultant added another anti-sickness one. Said it would settle your stomach.’
I shake my head, staring at the tablets.
‘Really? That was last month.’
Choose your battles, Beth. You have enough on your mind. One by one, I pop the pills in my mouth and swallow them with a gulp of water.
He puts my laptop on the dressing table and unbuckles his leather belt. His chinos drop to the floor. He kicks them to a pile by the end of the bed, along with his shirt, not bothering to undo the buttons or unroll the sleeves.
I once admired his lean and strong body.
A body he has earned from his obsessive daily workout regime, alternating weights in our home gym with running around the lake, no matter the weather.
I used to join him in the gym, before the cancer came back.
A New Year’s resolution once I got the all-clear the first time round.
But the second diagnosis took all my energy and my inspiration.
I can no longer see beyond the coming weeks, days even.
I glance around the bedroom. I used to love everything about this room. Mainly the plants hanging from the crisscrossing beams. Now they’re a hindrance. Justin complains every time I ask him to water them.
He climbs into bed. I also once loved his nakedness against mine. The feel of his hardness pressing against me. Now it makes me cringe. So many things I once loved and adored have been snatched away from me this year.
‘You promised me,’ I seethe.
His head hits the pillow. A waft of minty toothpaste puffs my way. ‘Promised you what?’
‘You know what. That you’d never cheat on me again.’
He lifts his head and leans on one elbow. ‘What?’ He scrunches up his face. ‘I haven’t cheated on you, Beth.’
‘Why did you invite that girl back here?’
‘Oh, come on, Beth. You’re being paranoid. She was going to have to spend the night at the airport. I was just being kind.’
‘Don’t take me for an idiot.’
‘Stop this!’ He sits up. ‘Stop it now. She’ll be gone in the morning. I’ll drop Connor at the station and then take her straight to the airport.’
I can’t look at him. I stare ahead at the dressing table opposite the end of the bed.
‘I thought she could teach us a few things to help us cope with Mum. And I was right. Look what she said at the table when Mum kicked off. We need to stick to more regular routines for her. She can’t be eating dinner at nine o’clock at night.
People with dementia can’t cope with it.
’ I click my tongue against the roof of my mouth. He always has an answer for everything.
‘Connor made her dinner before we got home,’ I say. ‘The Chinese was a bonus.’
He reaches out and touches my arm.
I flinch. ‘Don’t.’
‘It’s those bloody meds,’ he says. ‘You’re seeing things that just aren’t there. Remember me saying that they can make you irrational, and in rare cases they can even cause hallucinations? I’ve been researching them online. It’s very specific about the side effects.’
‘Don’t blame the drugs.’
‘We need to speak to the consultant about tweaking them.’ He squeezes my arm. I shake him away. ‘He said there were alternatives. Let’s discuss it with him when I take you to your appointment tomorrow. Once we get balanced out, you’ll feel a whole lot better.’
I swipe the tears from my face. ‘I can’t go through it all again, Justin. I just can’t. Not with the cancer and your mum.’
‘Don’t get all upset. It’s your birthday weekend.’ He kisses my shoulder. I edge away from him. He’s scaring me. ‘It upsets me to see you like this again. Let’s not end a great weekend away like this.’
Great weekend? I want to say. You worked most of it.
‘You’re tired, my darling. It’s been a long day. Get some sleep.’
I hate it when he speaks in this condescending tone.
‘You’ll be able to see things much clearer in the morning.’ He rolls over and switches off his light.
Same old, same old, Justin.
He always has to control the narrative.