Chapter 23
BETH
I excuse myself from the kitchen to collect my thoughts. My head is in all kinds of places today. Places I don’t want to go to. By the time I return, Justin has disappeared.
‘He’s gone to his office outside.’ Immy points to the kitchen door as if I don’t know my own house well enough. ‘You can leave Hattie to me. We’re OK, aren’t we, Hattie? What would you like to do today?’
‘I want to go on holiday.’
Immy smiles. ‘Holiday. And where would you like to go?’
Hattie shrugs.
‘It’s a bit hot to go on holiday just at the moment,’ I say. ‘We’d be baked alive.’
‘We could go somewhere cold. France,’ Hattie says. ‘It’s cold there, isn’t it?’
‘Why don’t we watch some TV?’ Immy suggests.
I leave before my mother-in-law can answer. I know the ensuing conversation is going to be long and repetitive. Immy can deal with that. I need to speak to my husband.
I can barely breathe as I walk into the sunshine. I used to love the heat. It’s now insufferable. I walk across the grounds to Justin’s office. It’s thirty-seven degrees, says the weather thermometer at the bottom of the stairs. The punishing heat is getting worse.
Climbing the stairs is an effort. Everything’s an effort. But as I open the door, I still manage to scream across the room at him. ‘What the hell?’
He looks up from his computer. ‘Whatever’s wrong?’
‘How could you do this to me?’
He readjusts his glasses in that annoying way, as if he’s about to lecture me. ‘What do you mean? Do what to you?’
‘You invited her to stay without even asking me.’ I raise my arms and let them fall by my sides. ‘After what we spoke about last night, as well.’
He turns back to the computer. ‘You were in bed, asleep.’
I walk to his desk and thump the side. ‘That’s bullshit. It’s because you knew I’d say no.’
‘Just calm down. It’s not good for you to get so worked up.
’ He sighs heavily. ‘Listen, Beth. I’ve got work.
You’re not well. Mum hates the care agency staff.
What am I meant to do?’ He reaches out and lays a hand on mine.
‘I need help. We need help. I can’t cope with you both and carry on working. ’
‘Give it up. We don’t need the money.’
‘You know I can’t do that.’
Won’t do it, more like.
I look around the small, uncluttered office.
Neat and tidy because he hates mess. One of the abstract prints, splashes of energetic strokes, on the wall catches my eye.
He saw it in a gallery in London and instantly fell in love with the energy of the piece, so I bought it for him for our tenth wedding anniversary.
It’s positioned at the side of the wall that holds pinboards covered with photos of him at different work events over the years.
Him on the stage. Him standing next to pull-up banners advertising our company.
Him shaking hands with clients and his followers.
Him with all those gooey-eyed girls barely out of school. Him. Him. Him. It’s always about him.
I pick up a notebook with the name Jane scribbled on the front. It’s the only thing, apart from a pen and a larger notepad, on the desk. ‘What’s this?’
He grabs it. ‘It’s nothing.’
I grab it back. ‘Who’s Jane?’ I flick through the pages. They are empty.
‘It’s not mine. She was one of the girls at the office who left. I thought I could reuse it. Seemed a shame to waste it.’
‘You’re lying. About this Jane. About Immy. All of it. It’s lies.’ I wipe my brow. ‘It’s stifling in here.’ I grab the edge of the desk, feeling light-headed.
He opens the desk drawer, pulls out a small white remote control and adjusts the air conditioning. ‘Beth! What’s got into you? I’m not lying.’
‘You’re kidding yourself. I see the way you look at her.’
He sighs again. Even heavier this time. ‘You’re seeing things that are simply not there.’
My eyes well up with anger. Perhaps I am being overemotional. Impending visits to the hospital always do this to me. Not knowing what news they’re going to spring on me next brings back the day I was told the lump I’d found wasn’t good. I drop my head in my hands. ‘It’s happening all over again.’
‘Calm down, will you? Think about it. Immy is experienced. She can look after Mum. You saw how good she is with her. Mum likes her, which is more than we can say about every single person that agency sent. Like I said, if Immy weren’t here, we’d have to take Mum with us today.
You know what chaos that turns into. And I can’t miss my next business trip. ’
‘Sod work. Cancel it,’ I bark. ‘Tell people you’re ill.’
‘People are counting on me, Beth. They rely on me. I can’t let them down. And you’re not well enough for me to leave you alone.’
‘You’re making excuses, and, in any case, we rely on you. Get your priorities right for once!’
He shakes his head. ‘I can’t win, can I? I’m trying my hardest to do the right thing here, and I get this.’
‘You know nothing about her. Have you even checked that there was a flight to Stockholm this morning?’
He nods. ‘I have. And yes, there was.’ He touches my arm. ‘Let’s not fight. We don’t need to argue. It’s not constructive. You know that. We work best as a team. I love you. We need to get you better. Everything is under control. I’m not the same person I once was. You know that.’