Chapter 46
BETH
All I can do is sleep. Dreams of freedom, running through fields without a care in the world, are blighted by nightmares of powerless women begging for help, crying for their lives.
Then darkness. Falling. I wake, confused, the terror so real.
My hair is stuck to my head, and the pillow is damp with sweat.
Chopin is still playing downstairs. Tears run down the hollow of my neck. There’s only one way out for me.
As I drift off again, I seem to hear the roar of Justin’s car.
He’s gone to London. I’ll never manage Hattie alone.
I open my eyes. I must have been dreaming.
He wouldn’t leave me in this state. He just wouldn’t.
He hasn’t brought my evening medication yet.
I reach for my phone, but the effort to pick it up is too great.
It’s as if I’ve been emptied out; God’s punishment for my sins.
I’m not sure how long I sleep for, but when I awaken, I feel a little better.
The nausea seems to have subsided, and the itching has eased.
The rest, albeit broken and plagued by night terrors, must have done me good.
I strain my ears to the quiet rumble of a car engine.
I was right. Justin has been out. The soft murmur of the engine purrs as the car slows into the drive.
Gravel crunches. I manage to roll over and snuggle down into a more comfortable position.
I stay put, making the most of my solitude, fearing what’s to come.
Eventually, Justin comes into the room with my evening meds. ‘Beth, Beth, wake up. You need to take your tablets.’
Slowly, I sit up. ‘Damn.’ I groan. Nausea overwhelms me again. ‘I feel so sick.’
‘Here, take these.’ He hands me a glass of water and feeds me my meds one tablet at a time.
‘Where have you been?’ I ask. ‘I heard you go out.’
‘I took Immy to the station,’ he replies matter-of-factly.
‘The station?’ I sit up. I can hardly believe what he’s just said.
‘Yes. She’s gone home.’
‘Why? What happened?’ She must’ve taken my advice and just decided to go. My shoulders relax slightly.
He sits on the edge of the bed and strokes my hand. ‘She said it was some sort of medical emergency. Something to do with her father’s heart.’
I frown. She told me her father was going on holiday, not that he had heart trouble. ‘You left your mum and me alone?’
‘It wasn’t long, and I locked Mum’s door.’ He can’t seem to acknowledge the issue.
‘Twenty minutes each way. Forty minutes. That was a risk.’
‘What else could I do? The girl was in a mess. Do you want something to eat?’ He’s trying to gloss over it.
I shake my head. The mention of food makes my stomach jolt. ‘You could’ve got her to call an Uber.’
‘Christ, Beth. You wanted her gone, and now she’s gone. Isn’t that enough? She had to go. That’s what you said. And now she’s gone. Anyway, she tried an Uber. There was nothing for over an hour, and she was desperate.’
I’m being unreasonable. I should be euphoric, not having a go at him. But something’s not right. ‘She didn’t say goodbye,’ I mumble.
‘She did, darling. She said to say goodbye to you and Hattie. Now, come on. Finish taking your tablets. Here, you’ve got one left. They’ll make you feel better.’
I sigh. ‘So she’s gone?’
‘Yes.’
‘How are we going to cope?’ I ask. I’m relieved she’s out of our lives, but the practical side of not having her here is daunting.
Justin replies quickly – too quickly. He’s already thought this through as if he knew he needed to be ready with an answer. ‘Don’t worry. I’ll call the office in the morning and cancel my upcoming appearances.’
He picks up my phone and places it in my hand. ‘It’s been a hell of a day. I need to work out. Weights. I’m going to go to the gym. Any problems, call me straight away. OK?’
I study the features that drew me to him all those years ago. The squareness of his jaw. The fineness of his cheekbones. His strong, fit body. And I realise that somehow, somewhere along the line, they have slowly lost their appeal.
I lie back as he leaves the room and listen to him return downstairs.
When I hear the back door open and close, I struggle out of bed and slowly walk to the window, where I watch him stride across the garden to his gym.
He turns to look up at the window – he knows I’m here.
He smiles and blows me a kiss, then shoos me back to bed.