Chapter 15 #4
“We went on three dates. That doesn’t mean we’re dating.
” Avery ran her finger around the salty edge of her margarita glass as she mulled over the word.
She definitely liked being around Pete, and there was something attractive about a guy who was so secure in his feelings for you that he thought nothing of leaving one of his belongings behind because he knew he’d get it next time.
But Avery wished Morgan would use a more low-pressure word to describe what was going on.
Something like talking or hanging out. “It just makes me uncomfortable. And is it that unreasonable for me to want to take things slow with someone?”
“No, it’s not unreasonable, Avery.” Morgan’s voice was gentle. “But you can’t let the mistake you made affect you forever. At some point, you have to forgive yourself.”
A lump swelled in Avery’s throat. If only Avery could tell Morgan the truth about that so-called mistake, about the shame that sat like an elephant on Avery’s chest. Then Morgan wouldn’t think moving on was so easy.
“I’m trying, Morgan. The fact that I’m going on dates with him is huge for me.”
“I know it is!” Morgan put her hand on top of Avery’s reassuringly. “I just want you to give yourself permission to open up, you know? Let him see you for the incredible person you are. You are so much more than that night senior year.”
Avery took another bite of her taco. Morgan wouldn’t understand.
She didn’t know how that night impacted everything Avery thought about herself, infiltrating her body like an incurable virus.
When she looked in the mirror, she didn’t see an incredible person.
She saw someone who allowed horror to descend upon her through her reckless actions.
She saw all the pieces of herself that Noah had taken from her, all the fragments of who she once was.
“Especially because I’m pretty sure Ryan is coming to the wedding,” Morgan went on. “It’s not a definite yes yet, but he told Charlie he’s been saving up for the flight.”
Avery groaned. “For fuck’s sake,” she muttered to herself. She slid her gaze to Morgan, who was trying not to frown. “I’m not blaming you. I know you warned me. I’m just—” Avery dug her fingers into her hair. “It’s obviously going to be hard for me to see him.”
“I know. I completely get it. But you have Pete now, right? And you like him, don’t you?”
Avery gave a reluctant nod. “I like him a lot, Morgan.”
“Good! Then you should try to allow him to make you happy again. Give him that chance. And give yourself that chance. Then bring him to the wedding and show everyone you’ve moved on. It will make them want to move on, too.”
Avery knew Morgan was right. She would love to get to a place where she could bring Pete to the wedding, to not only prove to everyone that she was trying to be a different person now, but to also prove that to herself.
And maybe Pete just left a toothbrush at her apartment because he didn’t want to feel like a vagabond after trekking all the way from Staten Island.
Or maybe he truly just liked her and wanted to keep seeing her.
Either way, it wasn’t like it was a proposal.
Avery swiped idly through Instagram while Morgan flagged the waitress for their check.
She paused on a post from The Cut about the Dave Moore case.
Another woman had come forward with accusations against him.
This time it was actress Robyn Weasley, who claimed she hadn’t gotten the lead role in the show 10 Things I Love About You because she refused to perform oral sex on him.
He ultimately forced himself on her anyway, and she was so rattled by the experience that she went fifteen years without stepping foot in an audition room.
Avery quickly scrolled past the image of his saggy, wrinkled face, which looked like an actual ball sack.
Her stomach stayed wedged in her throat as she tried to cleanse her phone screen with other posts.
“Awwww,” Morgan cooed while she also scrolled on her phone. She showed Avery her screen, and Avery’s heart raced as she realized she was looking at a photo booth strip of pictures of Noah and Blair, captioned Best times with my love.
Avery made a gagging sound. Despicable men were truly everywhere, like city rats. “Nobody wants to see that.”
“I think it’s cute!” Morgan used her fingers to zoom in on the post while Avery preoccupied herself with something in the opposite direction to spare even her peripheral vision of Noah’s face.
She shoved the last of the chips on the table in her mouth.
“I’m happy for Blair. I don’t think she minds the long-distance either.
She hasn’t had the best luck with dating.
Her mom’s affair really messed with her. ”
Avery swallowed her chips. Some of them weren’t chewed enough and scratched her throat on the way down. “Is her mom still with that guy?”
“Yeah. And now she wants to marry him and have his babies. Which is just sick, honestly. He’s like a baby to her .”
Morgan zoomed in on the post again. Avery’s eyes snagged on it before she could look away, her brain taking a snapshot against her will.
She saw the satisfied smile on Noah’s face and the twinkle in Blair’s eyes as she laughed and laughed; they were like a black and white sample image on a frame at a home goods store.
No matter how hard Avery rubbed her eyes to dissolve the images, they wouldn’t disappear.
They only came stronger into view, making the fact of it clear as day: Noah was getting everything he wanted, and Avery was still suffering in silence.
But the wedding was only six months away now. She just had to hold it in a little bit longer.