Chapter 21 #2
The panic in Avery’s gut roared to a violent, overflowing boil. “Wait a minute. So it’s your way or no way? That’s not fair.”
“We’ve been doing it your way this whole time! Do you realize that? You’ve controlled this whole thing! I’m your fucking marionette! It’s fucked up!”
Avery felt her pulse inside her ears. “But I was clear with my intentions from the start , Pete. I even told you I didn’t want a relationship!
” She was grasping now, digging her heels in, knowing she was making it worse but unable to stop, a freight train barreling down the tracks.
“And you know what’s fucked up? Forcing women to do things they don’t want to do. That’s fucked up.”
The waiter flitted by and asked with a megawatt smile how everything was.
Avery stared at the table. But Pete was right.
Again. She was in control of their whole relationship, which she once preferred but now, with Pete, it didn’t feel right.
He was at her mercy, devouring the smallest bits of herself she doled out, like a starved raccoon digging through trash for food scraps.
Why would he want to be with someone who did that to him, someone who thought bits and pieces of herself were enough and half the time remained aloof?
Why would he want her?
“I don’t want to wait for you to let me in anymore,” Pete said. He was calmer now, the arrival of the waiter having diffused some of the tension. “I’m tired of fighting for you.”
Avery’s breathing became shallow. She was about to lose him. Her vision went dark. “Pete … please …”
Pete sprung up from his chair and stormed away from the table. Customers and wait staff parted for him as he bolted through the restaurant toward the front door. Avery sprinted to catch up to him, grabbed hold of his shoulder once they were outside under the awning. But he shrugged her off.
“It’s over, Avery. I’m done.”
And then he was gone.
A couple days later, Avery’s phone buzzed with a text. Not from Pete.
I’m taking Scout to Carl Schurz Park. Come hang?
Avery rubbed her eyes. She was lying on her couch with a throw blanket draped over her body.
The television was off, and the wind whistled forcefully outside the closed window.
Scout’s gastrointestinal issues had improved, the fact of which Morgan celebrated by sending Avery videos of him playing tug of war with his toys.
Avery was as happy for him as she could possibly be within the bounds of her state of misery.
i’m busy, she replied to Morgan.
Just for a sec? I’m so close to your apartment!
Avery peered around her living room. Empty bottles of booze were strewn on the coffee table, and wet, crumpled tissues were piled up in little mountains on the floor.
The air was stale and rancid from the mess and lack of ventilation, the kind of pungent thickness that hangs when you’ve been home sick.
She knew Pete was better off finding happiness with someone else, but she wished that someone else could be her.
She wished she could just be normal . Nothing she was doing made the power Noah had over her go away.
The more she pushed that night down, the harder it sprang back up in her face later, like one of those awful jack-in-the-box toys.
Her phone buzzed with another text from Morgan. Please? I’ve barely seen you lately because of Scout
Carl Schurz Park was half a block from Avery’s apartment, but the thought of leaving the safety of her depression cave made her want to die.
Then she sighed. She figured she hated herself, not Morgan; in fact the only thing she had left at this point was being a good friend to Morgan.
She threw on a Yankees cap and floated toward the park, where she found Morgan wrestling a chew toy with Scout’s mouth.
The park was lively today, with parents pushing oversized strollers and joggers in colorful spandex running up and down the pavement.
New spring flowers bloomed in the gardens along the walkway.
The benches overlooking the East River were occupied with people admiring the still blue water cut by a barge and the bridge standing tall in the distance.
Avery got a closer look at the barge. It was actually the Honey Boat, a large vessel filled with millions of gallons of the city’s wastewater, aka shit.
She pointed at Scout twirling around and rubbing himself into the grass. “He looks like he’s feeling better.”
“He is, thankfully,” Morgan said. She sounded tired.
She adjusted her oversized sunglasses; Avery noticed her skin underneath lacked its normal retinol-treated shine.
“I had to get a new credit card after that whole thing with the Bella Blue order, but the company accidentally mailed my new card to my parents’ address in Rhode Island instead of mine.
So I’m still waiting for it. I had to use my dad’s card for Scout’s medicine. He wasn’t pleased with the cost.”
Avery’s chest ached. This dog could have died of dehydration and it would have been all her fault. She couldn’t take any more fucking up. Please someone make the fucking up stop.
Scout peered at her with his floppy tongue sticking out of his mouth. Avery flashed him a tiny smile to hide her anguish while Morgan fluffed his fur.
“Well, I’m glad he’s okay,” Avery said.
“Me too. Wiping his ass every hour was getting tiring.”
Avery scrunched her nose. “That’s disgusting, Morgan.”
“Hey, it happens. Especially if you want to be a mother one day. But maybe Pete can take diaper duty.”
Avery tripped on a rock, losing her footing. “We broke up, so that won’t be happening.”
Morgan slid her sunglasses onto her forehead like a headband to look Avery in the eye. Her face fell. “Really? Are you okay? What happened?”
Avery peeked at her phone to see if Pete had texted her, but her notifications were agonizingly empty.
She wasn’t surprised. Why would he text her?
She’d uninvited him from the wedding and from the rest of her life, and he had dignity.
At this point, with everything she’d put him through, he would probably never speak to her again, only affirming that she was exactly as damaged as she thought she was.
That she was as unlovable as she believed.
“Nothing,” she said. “It just didn’t work out. And I don’t want to talk about it.”
Morgan eyed Avery sadly, but soon the sound of Scout barking at their feet grabbed hold of her attention instead.
Avery startled, jumped a small step away from him.
It was so embarrassing that she’d never not interpret any sudden animal movements as threatening.
But Scout had doubled his size since the engagement party and was officially big enough that Avery didn’t seem like that much of a baby for fearing the wrath of his jaws sinking into her flesh.
Morgan noticed Avery’s stone-cold expression and let out a laugh. “He’s harmless, Avery. Just pet him. Maybe it’ll help you feel better. Dogs tend to do that.”
Avery hesitated, pretended to busy herself by looking at her phone. “I don’t want to.”
“Just a little one?”
Avery sighed and stuck her arm out straight toward Scout’s back, keeping the rest of her body at a distance. Morgan gently led Avery’s fingers toward his fur. After a couple of strokes, Scout turned to face Avery and barked, making her recoil.
“He’s excited!” Morgan exclaimed. “He loves you. Look at his tail wagging like crazy.”
Avery shoved her hands in her sweatshirt pocket. “I’m good on the petting.”
Morgan shrugged, and suddenly her face broke into a massive grin. “Hey!” she called out. “What are you guys doing here?”
Avery followed Morgan’s line of sight.
No . Not now. Please, not now.
Noah stood several yards away across the path wearing a blue Humane Society vest with his arm wrapped around Blair in the same blue vest. They were surrounded by dogs wearing similar orange vests, the words “ADOPT ME” written in bold black letters on each one.
Noah fed a brown short-haired dog some kibble while Blair massaged his shoulder, and Avery darted a scowl from Blair’s hand to Noah’s grin as he admired her.
How was it fair that Noah was in this stable, loving relationship while Avery was just brutally dumped? Again?
“What’s up?” Morgan said enthusiastically to Blair. “I had no idea you were visiting. How long are you here for?”
Blair affectionately wiped a speck of dirt off Noah’s vest. “Just until tomorrow. I’m here to start looking at apartments!”
Morgan gasped. Avery, too, made a tiny choking sound.
“Are you serious?” Morgan asked, her excitement building as quickly as Avery’s stomach was roiling.
“Yes!” Blair said. “We’re moving in together!”
Morgan clapped her hands. “Yay! Finally!”
Noah kissed Blair’s temple. “It’s true. We can’t wait,” he said. “She’ll probably start volunteering with me, too. I’m here every Saturday.”
Avery glared at Noah from underneath her baseball cap as he fed more kibble to other dogs. He didn’t deserve this. He shouldn’t be allowed to be happy. It should be that the more evil you were, the less potential your life had for joy.
“I remember!” Morgan said, nodding. “I forgot it was at this park, though.”
“This park is so nice,” Blair added. “I could see myself running here. I would’ve gone this morning if it wasn’t my time of the month.”
“Ah, so that’s why you’ve been snappy with me today,” Noah murmured. “You’re on your period. It all makes sense now.”
Blair gave him a lighthearted smack. “Oh, hush.”
Morgan had bent down a few feet away to pet a snappy Yorkie, who was now trotting way too close for comfort to Avery’s feet.
Next to the Yorkie was a hefty black and white husky also prancing around dangerously close.
Noah crouched down to give the husky a toy to wrestle with, and the dog yelped and jumped to Noah’s giggles and delight.
Avery looked at Blair to see if Blair was stewing on her own about Noah’s period comment, but Blair was all smiles watching Noah happily play with the dogs.
Avery felt like she was suspended over herself, watching with incredulity as the scene below her unfolded.
“Why don’t you pet Rex, Avery?” Morgan asked as she joined Noah in petting the husky. “He’s not barking. I know that’s what freaks you out.”
“Go on,” Noah said. “Don’t be shy. He won’t hurt you.”
Avery shot a suspicious glare at Rex while Morgan did her best to encourage Avery with nods.
Avery looked like such an icy bitch next to Noah, with his dedication to animals and his volunteer work and his devoted relationship.
Sometimes he was so good he could even trick Avery.
And then she’d remember. She’d remember her unraveling into a shell of the person she once was, behaving in ways that made her almost lose Morgan and, now, lose Pete.
She’d remember it all, because she was still living it.
Because Noah was thriving while she was barely holding on.
“Do it! Do it! Do it!” Morgan chanted.
Backed into a corner, Avery grazed Rex’s fur with her fingers. She’d barely touched him when he whirled around and chomped a mouthful of her flesh with his teeth.
“Jesus!” she cried. Little bright specks dotted her vision. Her hand throbbed in agony.
“Oh no, are you all right?” Morgan asked.
Noah put a toy back in Rex’s mouth, and in response Rex growled and huffed and barked. “He’s just being playful,” Noah said. “It’s a playful bite. Does it to me all the time.”
Avery wrapped her fingers around her hand. The wound beat hard under her skin, like it had its own pulse. “No, he bit me because you riled him up.”
A dot of blood pooled on her finger. Noah winced. “Oh, shit, you’re bleeding,” he murmured. “Sorry. I’ll get a first aid kit.”
A moment later he approached Avery with a roll of gauze and a bandage, then gestured to look at her hand. But instead of showing him, she stared him down, a crackling fury catching fire inside of her.
“Don’t touch me,” she hissed, because she knew that if he did, it would all come back.
The helplessness as she stared into his eyes and tried to get away.
The pressure on her wrists as he pinned them onto her back and made her bruise.
The whirr of the ceiling fan as it tickled her bare skin.
The moment he went from a nice guy in a button-down and pair of chinos to a cold-blooded rapist. Bearing his teeth, leaving his mark on her flesh.