Vivian
“Why’d you lie to her?” I asked once we were out of ear shot from Ida’s cabin.
“When did I lie to her?”
“You said you had a place already. And that you wanted someone to watch it. Ida’s a grown ass woman, she can handle the truth—that you want to help.” Not that I hadn’t been sick about broaching the topic myself, but I would’ve eventually found the words without lying.
“That wasn’t a lie. I do have a place as of this morning. Somebody should watch it,” Theo countered matter-of-factly.
I puffed out my cheeks, unsure how to feel. It was too late now. If I told her Theo was misleading her, she wouldn’t move to Drifael on principle.
Lingering guilt aside, I felt a sense of relief knowing Theo had handled it. One way or another, it wasn’t a decision I had to chew on anymore.
Besides, it was hard to stay upset about it when my entire body was flashing red warning lights.
Legs. Lungs. Heart. Inner thighs. All screaming, “stop fucking walking.” I kept moving, running strictly on the adrenaline created by watching the forest grow dim as the daytime stars disappeared over the horizon.
The blue pines’ shadows stretched endlessly to the left, striping the land like caution tape. Get to safety before dark.
I should’ve known this would be a problem.
We’d barely made it to Drifael during daylight hours, and that was going downhill.
Of course we’d be slower going uphill. I wished that wasn’t only because of me.
I’d built a lot of stamina since arriving on Trebianna, but this was double my max. My body just couldn’t keep up.
I glimpsed at Theo, debating if there was room for me amidst the baggage he was already carrying. Nope. All four arms were occupied with pipes and panes of glass for the cabin. His back and shoulders toted multiple bags. There wasn’t a square inch for me to cling to for a ride.
“Theo, can you slow down?” It was the first thing I’d said in a long time, and it forced me to face just how out of breath I was.
“Of course, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize I was walking fast.”
I was painfully aware of how his strides cut in half to match my slowing pace.
I checked in with myself. Better? No. Not really. I was too far gone for “better”.
My breaths huffed. “It’s getting late. I didn’t think about how much longer it would take on the way back.”
I stopped in my tracks to suck in several deep gulps of air, increasingly self-conscious about not being able to keep up.
He was the one with all the extra weight to carry, and I was the one about to throw in the towel from exhaustion!
Although, “exhaustion” was a simplification.
My field was going to have some serious work to do healing these blisters. I knew they were bad.
“We can move slower. The charms will keep us safe when it gets dark.” He shrugged his shoulders up so the sound of clinking glass could remind me that his bag was full of jars of blood.
“Right, sure.” I forced a smile, taking another begrudging step.
Was I going to have to admit that I just didn’t have the stamina for this? Memories of being the last to finish the mile in gym class mocked me as I was put in charge of setting the pace. Theo lagged behind me patiently.
I pushed. Hard. But my thighs burned. My calves cramped.
I was sweating. Repeatedly tripping over roots as my steps were shallower with each lift of my foot.
As we stood in the teal grove marking the halfway point from Ida’s cabin to my field, I realized this wasn’t going to happen.
There was no way I could tough out getting home tonight. Time to admit defeat.
“I can’t do this.” I wanted to cry from embarrassment, the threat of tears stinging the inner corners of my eyes.
“Can’t do what?” Theo sounded genuinely concerned, somehow entirely missing the context clues of me doubled over panting.
He must’ve never been out of breath a moment in his life if he couldn’t even recognize the signs. Lucky him.
“I can’t walk anymore today, Theo!” I didn’t mean to raise my voice, but it was hard to speak evenly between the hyperventilating and shame.
If I didn’t put some force behind my words they wouldn’t come out at all.
“We’re going to have to camp out tonight.
I’m sorry.” My tone was sharp, but my quivering lower lip betrayed just how vulnerable I was feeling.
All these years later and I was still an insecure little girl who didn’t fit in her private school uniform comfortably.
“Oh, Viv.” Theo squatted to carefully set down all the supplies he was carrying and stepped toward me.
He grabbed my arms with three hands, and his fourth firmly lifted my chin to meet his gaze.
I directed my eyes down, hoping it would hide the tears pooling under my lashes.
“Are you hurt? What’s wrong, Little Goddess? ”
“No. I’m just—” I sucked in a deep, steadying breath, “—not able to walk anymore. I’m out of breath and my legs are killing me.
I’m out of shape, Theo.” My jaw tensed into a forced scowl, trying to replace all those complex emotions—sadness, shame, frustration—with simple anger.
It didn’t work. I sniffled as the first tear fell.
“And what’s wrong with that?” His voice was soft, confused. “We have charms for the night. It’ll be safe. You don’t need to worry.” His thumb touched the corner of my eye, catching the next tear before it had the chance to fall.
“I’m not worried,” I sighed, stepping back. “I’m embarrassed.”
His hand grasped my wrist firmly, swallowing it whole, not allowing me to retreat. “Why are you embarrassed?”
“Let’s just drop it.” I tried to pull free of his grip.
“No.” He tugged me closer. I pressed both palms against his ribs to catch myself. “You’re crying. What, because your body is tired? That doesn’t make sense to me. Does something hurt?”
“It’s because I’m fucking fat, Theo!” I screamed. The dams broke, my effort to maintaining some composure abandoned.
One of his hands grabbed my waist, fingers pressing into the very pudge that had me in hysterics. He brushed my hair out of my face, grabbing a fistful in the process—firmly but gently directing me to look at him by tightening his fingers into the locks.
“You’re also muscle and organs and blood. What does ‘fat’ have to do with anything? I seem to be missing some important context, and I hate that you’re crying, and I don’t know how to help.”
I gulped, my eyes staring down when I couldn’t turn my head away from his gaze. “I’m large. My body is large. And heavy. And hard to hoist up a goddamn mountain. And that’s humiliating.”
“Says who?” He squeezed my waist tighter.
“I don’t know, my childhood bullies,” I snorted humorlessly. “Family… Random strangers… Every guy I ever tried to date. Where do you want me to start?”
“The males you tried to date made you feel bad about your body?” Another hand lifted to my hip, fingers spreading wide to cover the expanse of its fullness.
“Hell, the ones I did date made me feel bad about it! I’m not sure anyone I’ve ever kissed has actually found me attractive. They didn’t want me, they just wanted—”
Theo’s lips crashed into mine. Everything froze.
The three hands not tenderly tugging my hair explored my upper body, paying their respects to every curve and crease slowly.
He gripped my wide upper arms. His thumbs rubbed across the round of my stomach.
He squeezed my love handles and ran his palms across the fuller parts of my back.
The webbing of his thumb and forefinger pressed into my soft jawline.
I should be in shock—it was so sudden—but being caged in Theo’s arms felt right. Comforting. His rain-soaked earthy scent and the rumble of his chest felt designed to lull me into a state of peace that I’d been denied in life up until now.
His kiss was unlike any I’d ever experienced.
It was deep, slow, and hungry. And yet… his hands didn’t reach under my dress.
He didn’t shove his tongue into my mouth without welcome.
Our lips locked together, he showed me what it meant to be utterly desired and respected at the same time.
I focused on the sensation of his embrace, his breaths mingling with my own, and allowed myself to give in.
I threw my arms around his sturdy shoulders, lifting up to my tiptoes.
He folded over me, meeting halfway to accommodate our height difference.
I cupped his jaw and moaned when I felt a muscle clench under my fingertips.
His body responded to mine as I responded to his.
I wondered how else we might feel each other’s physical reactions, if he didn’t have to bend at the waist…
When he pulled away—far too soon—longing ached within my core.
“There,” he breathed heavily, “now you’ve kissed someone who finds you irresistible. Flesh, bone, fat—all of you. It’s all beautiful. And one day, you’ll be worshipped properly, Viv. Settle for nothing less than a male on his fucking knees for you.”
“Theo—I—”
There were no words. I couldn’t believe my eyes and ears. This man, this absolute deity of a person, cared enough to dispute a lifetime worth of insecurity. And fuck, the way he was looking at me! Like he was starving. I may enjoy being devoured if I could trust he would cherish every bite.
His eyes were so incredibly dark. They were practically black.
No. They were black. And so were his tattoos.
Not inky gray. Black. They swallowed all light.
Dark, purple veins branched around his eyes and lips, the surrounding skin slightly transparent.
He was dangerously and unnaturally beautiful—godlike—and he clung to me like I was a worthy partner.
It all faded as quickly as it appeared. His features had returned to normal, but I was positive I hadn’t imagined the changes this time.
“Thank you for letting me steal a taste of the heavens from your lips, Little Goddess.” He licked the corner of his mouth slowly.
The daytime starlight had disappeared, leaving us within the soft teal glow of the dense grove.
It reminded me of being at the aquarium in elementary school.
That cool, dreamlike ambiance that goes hand-in-hand with standing in front of a shark tank.
The misplaced harmony of thinking, “sure it’s a predator, but it isn’t attacking any of the fishies.
” Na?ve wonder drowning out the natural anxiety of being in the presence of something deadly.
I heard wind howling through the trees, but I felt no breeze. Was that the sound of the creatures that lived in these orchards? Did it matter, when the biggest monster here carefully brushed another misbehaving strand of hair from my face?
“Thank you for taking care of me.” I didn’t know if I was referring to his attendance to my emotions or physical safety, but it didn’t matter. It covered what I was feeling. Safe. Instinctively, my hand ran up his chest.
Theo cleared his throat, shattering the spell that had bound us as he stepped away to the nearest tree. He reached for the lowest branch, grasping it and pulling it down to face-level. Humming with thought.
“What is it?” I asked, hugging my arms to soothe the feeling of loss I experienced with his hands no longer exploring me.
“I’ve never been inside one of these groves. Look where the light comes from.” He plucked something from the branch and held it out to me.
Within Theo’s palm was a translucent white crystal, near identical to the ones now hanging from our necks. I looked up to see more glass-like ornaments dangling from the blue-green branches. Thin silver strands connected rock to tree, twinkling alongside the loosely swinging stones.
“I guess we know where these come from now,” he remarked, letting go of the branch so it snapped back. The crystals sang like chimes in the wind. “Looks like we picked the perfect place to take shelter for the night. Between these and the charms, you may as well be within your field’s protection.”
“I do feel surprisingly safe,” I admitted, staring at the very reason for that core sense of security.
He smiled.