Vivian
In the days since I left Cassius for dead in the woods, my paranoia had become maddening.
It was impossible to not be consumed by the dread of knowing at any moment my home, my sanctuary, could be breached.
I thought I saw a silhouette every time I passed a window.
I could barely sleep. Was my location compromised?
What would I do if it was? Could I live with Ida?
Would she be safe if I did move in with her?
Maybe my existence wasn’t meant to be safe. Maybe I was doomed to a life in limbo, always waiting for the second shoe to drop. Everything in my life had been up-ended so many times, could I handle it again? What happens when the bough breaks?
It was morning, and I sat in my bed, hugging my knees and staring at the wall. Paralyzed. I didn’t want to eat. I didn’t want to do anything. I was out of tears and alternating between a state of panic and numbness was exhausting. Crash out was inevitable. It was everything my dad had predicted.
That infamous day played on loop in my memories.
I was walking back from my tutoring session. It’d gone well. My instructor told me I was well ahead of my grade in my studies, especially language arts, and that made me feel good.
Shrieking echoed down the hall, my only warning to get out of the way. I should’ve run for my bedroom like I always did when the screaming started, but I was frozen. It wasn’t until they were around the corner that I hid under the chaise.
I watched as a man thrashed like a fish out of water on the clean white floors, leaving a trail of red behind him as he was dragged by his ankle. Did he see me? His eyes were so wide and scared, they seemed to be staring at nothing.
The concrete basement door opened and finally closed, muffling his cries. I bolted for my room. A safe place to hide.
“What’s wrong, Vivian?” my father asked, clearing a hole in the pile of plushies I was hiding in.
“I don’t want to live here anymore,” I whimpered. “I’m going to run away.”
“You want to run away? You would trade your toys, bed, and playroom to be a street rat? The world would eat you alive, princess.”
I’d always told myself I wouldn’t let the world do that…
eat me alive. I would bite back. I’d rather be a scrappy street rat than a petrified princess.
But I couldn’t deny that I was naturally soft.
The sharpest part of me was my tongue. If I was in actual danger, I didn’t know what I would do.
How I would handle it. If I could handle it.
Icy adrenaline shot through my veins when a noise came from the front door. A light thud. Then, the clink of the knob moving. I grabbed the axe beside my bed, the biggest “weapon” Theo had left me. I figured it had more reach than a knife.
Fuck. I don’t want this. I just want to exist.
My eyes watered, but cleared with a steadying breath. I peeled myself from the mattress, wincing when my feet squeaked the floorboards. I could hear noises still, but they didn’t seem to be drawing nearer. Maybe I could surprise them.
I tightened my grip on the handle and shuffled my feet to the edge of the partition wall.
You can do this. You aren’t a princess. You aren’t a goddess. You’re a fed-up woman with an axe who wants some goddamn peace. You don’t need your dad. You don’t need Theo. All you need is for people to stay off your fucking property.
Drawing in a steadying breath, I burst around the edge of the wall—axe raised and ready to meet skull.
“Mreow.” Nurghle had one furry arm stuck under the door swatting around. He withdrew it and stood on his hind legs to paw at the door handle, jiggling the knob.
The axe thudded anticlimactically to the floor. He wanted to go out. Of course. We’d been cooped up for days after a long, claustrophobic winter.
“Sorry, bud,” I sighed, scooping him up into my arms. “I think the cabin fever is getting to me.”
My blood was still pumping, but I was feeling just a little more steeled from my peptalk.
Not quite “I want to fight the bad guys” brave, but at least brave enough to consider looking for Cassius’s corpse.
If he hadn’t showed up yet, he was probably dead.
Seeing his rotting flesh might make me feel better.
Like when I’d finally found that dead rat behind my fridge.
Disgusting, but at least I could get rid of the smell that’d haunted me all week. Gross relief. That’s what I needed.
“Stay here.” I set Nurghle on the mattress. “Mommy is going to go look for a dead body.”
It was surprisingly nice out. A little cloudy, but there were also peaks of purple and green sky painting the landscape in trippy, otherworldly light.
The delicate clover of my field pressed down underneath my feet as I swung my weapon of choice and walked towards the gin-and-sage-green wheat border of my field.
I felt my anxiety rise as my most recent memory of being between these trees surfaced. Running. Fear. A man with a gun. I’d reclaim the joy of my forest with enough practice. He was dead. That’s what I told myself as I passed the grove Theo and I had shared a night in.
Yay… halfway to Ida’s cabin. Only a little further and I’d be where I’d had my initial run-in with Cassius.
The sight of a tall bundle of above-ground roots gave me pause. They looked familiar. I slowed and watched the ground for foot marks, realizing—chances are—they’d washed away by now.
I soon recognized the root I’d jumped when fleeing. My chest clenched. I’d find Cassius’s decay soon and everything would be okay. It had to be.
I could smell death before I could see it, but there was also a trace of something darkly pleasant. Like noxious lavender. Familiar to me in a way I couldn’t put into words.
A heap of blackness as tall as my knees stood before me. Not a decaying man. The pungent floral scent tainted the summer breeze, unlocking the memory of Theo carrying me away from the wild animal he saved me from. By killing it.
Cassius is still alive.
I didn’t have any tears left to cry, but that didn’t stop my face from twisting into a deep, mournful, sob of rage as I kicked at the mass of death. The toe of my boot sunk into the fleshy rot, causing me to panic and stumble to free myself. The struggle only made me angrier.
It’s a fucking demon bear-thing! How the fuck did it lose that fight?!
The answer was less than subtle. Bullets and their casings sparkled amongst the pile of black.
“I don’t think it’s much farther.” The words were distant, muffled, but stood out like a gunshot among the natural noises of Cyciciah.
No. No. No. No! Not again.
Adrenaline pumping in my veins, I turned and ran. I hadn’t seen them. They hadn’t seen me. Probably. I could try to disappear and hope they missed my field. After all, it was a big mountain. Surely that was possible.
I hiked my dress up and sprinted back, taking as few breaks to catch my breath as possible. Nurghle was locked up in the house alone. I couldn't go missing now. I’d heard of mothers lifting cars off babies, I could run up a mountain to save my little guy.
Finally breaking through the front door, I bent over to catch my breath. Nurghle was on my ankles immediately, greeting me.
Thank fuck. I made it.
My relief was short lived; the distant timbre of human speech hit my ears.
They weren’t in the house yet; I had time. Maybe a minute max, but enough.
I hooked one arm under Nurghle’s front legs and grabbed my axe with my free hand.
Stumbling forward to the fur-covered hatch, I tossed the rug to the side and lifted the handle with the toe of my boot.
First the axe went in, then Nurghle. I crawled in with him, fluffed the rug to drape over the door properly, and lowered the boards. Bathing us both in darkness.
The door opened and closed violently. I couldn’t believe I’d mistaken Nurghle’s antics for a break-in this morning. The intruders were making no effort to be quiet.
My breaths seemed so loud. I covered my mouth and said a silent prayer to nobody that Nurghle would keep his noises to himself.
Floorboards creaked all around and above me.
When a heavy step was placed on the fur rug covering our hiding location, I nearly screamed.
Please don’t feel the handle. Please don’t feel the handle. My eyes watered.
“She’s not back ‘ere,” a deep voice called out.
“I’m going to check the loft.” Another unfamiliar voice. Who were these fucks?
I counted my pounding heart beats, reaching well-passed three hundred before another word was grumbled.
“Anything?”
“Just storage. You?”
“No battery. There’s a water dish on the ground. You think she has a pet?”
I didn’t know what made me more furious, being called a “battery” or having these men acknowledge my cat’s existence. They better leave him out of this. Whatever “this” was.
“Let’s wait outside to see if she shows up. Cassius said she walks around without being targeted by the beasts. Maybe on a midday stroll?”
“Sure, whatever. Honestly, might as well stay the night at this rate if she doesn’t show.”
“We’ll see.”
My front door thudded closed.
Fuck! Hot rage and adrenaline made me clench my fists. What was I supposed to do?! Just sit down here until Nurghle started screaming and revealed our hiding location?! Hope they give up?! Just die and surrender my home?!
A princess, eaten alive by this world…
I listened to the soft drone of their conversation outside.
They sounded like they’d landed on some kind of engaging topic.
The occasional “no way!” or “right?!” discernable amongst the gibberish.
This was the best distraction I was going to get next to them leaving or sleeping, and I wasn’t sure I had enough time to wait for either of those.
After Cassius left, more followed. I had to prepare for this to become my reality: repeated waves of attacks. I couldn’t hide forever.
I needed to kill them. Now. As much as my soul ached at the thought of taking a life, it was them or us. I felt Nurghle’s soft fur against my leg. There wasn’t time to question it, too much was on the line.
I lifted the hatch just enough to pull my body out.
With a little luck, I hooked the end of the axe around the partition wall, using the handle as leverage to pull myself out.
It wasn’t soundless, but between their chatter and the sounds of the forest growing livelier as evening approached, my grunts and the wood creaking were somewhat camouflaged.
I saw the shine of Nurghle’s eyes staring up at me, his black fur blending into the dark.
I would be back to let him out. I closed the door, smoothed out the fur rug, and stood with axe in hand.
Its blade looked sinister in my white-knuckled grip, leaning against the pale cotton of my dress that was about to be stained red.
A deeply rooted part of myself screamed that I didn’t want to do this. I shut her up. She didn’t get a say in this; it was time to focus on survival.
I wasn’t a killer, but I was willing to sacrifice myself to save my home. It was time to say goodbye to “me”.
Detach. Dissociate. Do what must be done.
They were just outside the door, I could hear the shifting of their weight on the steps.
I opened the window panes as quietly as I could, breathed in the humid evening air, and softly dropped into the clover.
The soft green cushion under my feet muted my steps as I inched slowly, but intentionally, to the edge of the cabin.
I drew the axe back by my side, centering myself. One more big, deep, quiet breath.
This is my home. My peace. And nobody gets to take it from me.
I swung my weapon around the corner.
The momentum of the axe pulled me forward, bringing my body with it until I faced the trespassers and felt the tool wedge itself between the ribs of one of the men.
His eyes widened as he looked down at his chest, confused. After all, he’d been mid conversation. In a hurry, I placed a boot against his thigh and pushed off, dislodging the axe and coming down with it again, striking in the apex of his shoulder and neck. Blood sprayed everywhere.
His desperate sputtering became background noise as the second man tried pulling me from the handle, reminding me it was two against one.
I was no longer in my physical body. That woman didn’t exist anymore; she’d been sacrificed to keep me alive. What I was doing would leave a deep, unhealable wound. I was a murderer. Like my father. Something broken my magic could never mend.
I vaguely registered the sharp tip of a knife pointed in my direction.
Its wielder didn’t do anything with it, too focused on removing my grip from the axe lodged in his rapidly dying friend.
I held tight. Instead of peeling me away from the axe as intended, he freed the weapon from the other man. It swung freely in my hands once more.
I don’t know who slashed first—his knife or my axe. We both bled.
In the end, I was able to stagger back to that hatch and let Nurghle out before the daytime stars fully set on the horizon.
Empty.