Chapter 17 #2
This will hurt Eddie. I know that. But he’s young, popular, and beloved in this area in a way I never will be again.
His friends will drag him out for beers, make him laugh, and remind him there are other women in the world.
Within a few weeks, he’ll meet some gorgeous girl closer to his age—someone without all my complications, without a monster for an ex-husband, without a town full of enemies just itching to flip the switch on my electric chair.
Then there’s Theo. He’s still so young. I have memories from his age, but they’re few and far between, a scattered handful at best. In a few years, I’ll be nothing more than a blur at the edges of his childhood. A woman who came and then went. A blip for them both.
The thought guts me, but it’s not nearly as bad as the alternative.
So I do the only thing left to do. The only option I have to keep the man I love safe.
I pull up Mr. Howard’s number and press the call button.
I don’t care that it’s late. I don’t care if I wake him up. Mr. Howard came to my cabin and detonated what little peace I have in my life. If he loses a little sleep tonight, I don’t have the wherewithal to feel guilty.
He sounds half asleep when he answers. “Hello?”
“This is Kiki Wilder.” I tighten my grip on the phone, needing to say my piece before I lose my nerve. “I’ll handle it. I’ll stay away from Eddie and Theo.”
There’s another pause, longer this time, pregnant with power.
“Thank you for understanding,” Mr. Howard says.
A short laugh flies past my lips, but it’s bitter and broken.
“What choice do I have? But I need clarification on a couple of issues. Eddie and I have worked together before, and even though I can’t imagine he’d want anything to do with me after this, I need to ask.
Outside of that, it’s a small town, and our paths are bound to cross now and then.
What exactly are you asking me to do? Run in the opposite direction? Pretend I don’t see him?”
Mr. Howard sighs into the phone. He knows there’s no version of this that doesn’t hurt.
“I understand the two of you have worked together before. That’s not the issue.
It’s the relationship, the dating, Theo getting attached, and the appearance of you becoming a permanent part of Eddie’s life.
That’s what Deirdre’s reacting to, and that’s the ground she plans to make her stand on. ”
I scrunch my eyes closed, hoping to God this is a nightmare I’ll wake up from. But when I open them, everything’s the same.
There’s no end in sight.
“So if I run into them somewhere—”
“That’s life,” he replies. “And if something professional arises, that’s different. Deirdre won’t have a case there. But socially? Personally? Privately?” He pauses. “That’s where the problem lies.”
Of course it is, because, God forbid, I’m allowed anything good in my life.
“I understand.” That’s a lie. I don’t, not really, not in any way that feels fair or sane or survivable.
“You’re doing the right thing. Trust me, you’ll be glad you made this decision, even if it’s hard to comprehend now.”
I hang up and let the phone fall onto the couch beside me. “Oh, I understand perfectly. I’m not wanted or welcome anywhere.”
So much for happy endings, at least where I’m concerned. By the time Eddie’s truck pulls into my driveway, I’ve already packed every trace of him from my cabin into a reusable grocery bag.
I open the door before he can knock. He’s carrying takeout in one hand and a bottle of wine in the other, looking tired but altogether unfairly handsome.
A smile breaks across his mouth. “Hey, beautiful. I brought dinner, and before you say no, I also brought—”
I rest my hand against his chest before he can step inside, and his smile falters. With my other hand, I hold out the bag.
His eyes drop to it, curious. “What’s this?”
“Your things.”
It takes forever for his gaze to reach my face, confusion etched across his features as if the words don’t make sense. “My things?”
The porch creaks under my feet as I step outside and pull the door closed behind me, shivering against the bite of the late-day air. “Yeah. Your things.”
He sets the food and wine down on the top step and folds his arms across his chest. Every movement is slow and purposeful, but I see the tension rising in his shoulders. “Care to tell me what’s going on?”
Game face, Kiki. Time to do what you promised.
I force an offhand shrug. “This whole situation has gotten out of hand.”
Understanding crosses Eddie’s face, and he closes the distance between us. “Stop,” he says, shaking his head. “Don’t do that. Don’t push me away because of the bullshit that’s happening.”
I damn near fold right there. Nearly tell him everything—Mr. Howard, Deirdre, the judges, the custody fight, all of it.
But I force myself to keep going, which is a new kind of torture. “Honestly, it isn’t that deep, Eddie. We were having fun, that’s all. It’s not like we were going to get married, have a couple of kids, and ride off into the sunset.”
I couldn’t have hurt him more if I’d aimed for his heart and pulled the trigger.
“Fun?” He repeats the word, grimacing as if it tastes rotten. “Jesus Christ, Kiki. Fun?”
I set the bag of his things beside the food he brought, hoping to end this discussion before I break apart, but Eddie isn’t ready to give up the ghost that easily. He paces a few steps across the porch, trying to make sense of my words before stopping right in front of me.
“This doesn’t make sense. This doesn’t sound like you.” His gaze locks on mine. “Look me in the eyes and tell me I mean nothing to you.”
My heart lurches so hard it feels like a physical blow, because the truth is he means everything. Safety, laughter, warmth, a future I was stupid enough to believe in. A man who thinks I’m worth loving. But the truth will ruin him and Theo, and I can’t allow that.
When I know a lie is going to protect the man I love, I have the best poker face in the world.
Either I make Eddie hate me now, or he stays with me and hates me later, after Deirdre drags him through court and Theo gets stuck in the middle.
At least this way he keeps his son, the custody issue is put to bed, and Deirdre calls off her dogs.
A raw primitive grief sears through me, but I play through the pain. My facade is unfeeling. Unbreakable.
“I told you already. I had a good time with you. Eddie, we were never supposed to happen. Hell, I texted you on my birthday because I figured maybe you’d hit it off with my cousin. I never thought—”
“Never thought what?” he cuts in. “That you’d wind up with me instead? Was that the plan? Take me on a test drive before you pawned me off on your family members?”
I shake my head. “No. I just… didn’t mean for it to get this far. I never meant to hurt you.”
He smacks the porch railing hard enough to make me jump. “Well, you did. Because I believed I meant something to you. Joke’s on me, I guess.”
Trust me, Eddie. Nobody’s laughing.
With a deep breath, I deliver the death knell.
I pick at a splintered edge of the doorframe. “What happened with Deirdre made me realize how messy this situation is, and I don’t need more mess in my life. I was lonely, Eddie. I needed someone to fill the void.”
He goes utterly still, his body vibrating with barely contained fury. “Fill the void.”
I nod, unable to speak.
When his eyes come back to mine, there’s nothing but hurt, disbelief, and the raw edge of anger in their depths. “You are one hell of a saleswoman, Kiki. I fell for it hook, line, and sinker.” His mouth twists. “Hell, I fell for you.”
And because I know I have to make him hate me enough to walk away, I force a laugh that sounds caustic even to my own ears. “Come on. You don’t think I actually believed you when you told me you loved me? That’s just something men say.”
Eddie’s expression flattens in a way that is far scarier than his anger. Meanwhile, I’m shattering into a million pieces inside, and the mask I’m wearing won’t hold much longer.
With a grunt, he grabs the bags and digs his keys from his pocket. When his gaze meets mine, it’s darkened. Hard. “Maybe that’s what some men say, but not me. I meant every word.”
He descends the steps, then stops long enough to throw one final knife over his shoulder. “The worst part? You involved Theo in this fucking game of yours. He believed you were real too.”
For a few horrible seconds, neither of us moves, the tension crackling between us. Then he stalks to his truck, tosses everything inside, and gets behind the wheel.
He doesn’t make a scene. He just backs down the driveway and out of my life.
I barely make it inside the cabin before I crumple. I slide down the door in a sobbing heap, one hand pressed over my mouth like I can hold the agony in.
There was never going to be a good way out of this. No version where I get to keep him. No version where this doesn’t cost me everything. But God, I didn’t think it would hurt like this.
Because I love him. More than I’ve ever loved anyone.
And from the look on his face, the wreckage in his voice, I know he loves me too.
I wanted a life with him.
But I burned it to the ground.
Part of me wants to call him, beg him back, and spill all the dirty details of his ex-wife’s plan. But I can’t. Because if I tell him, he’ll fight until the end, and they’ll all lose because of my selfish desire to keep him.
So I curl in on myself on the floor, cry until my ribs ache, and let him hate me.
It’s the only gift I have left to give him.