Chapter eighteen
“Sir...” My secretary stood and followed me as I entered the floor.
“What is it, Violet?”
“I have the files on the Federithon case against the state of New York that you asked me for. Would you like me to put them on your desk?”
“You can hand it to me here.” I held out my hand, and she handed me a heavy folder with several pages of files that would take me many hours to analyze. But that was part of my job, and it was usually the lesser of two evils.
“I want a brief report on the associates' work—the hours dedicated to each case and the possible resolution. If someone loses any case, even if it's pro bono, I need to be informed because it can directly impact our metrics.”
“Yes, sir.”
“We need to continue as the best law firm in New York.”
“Let's continue.”
“It's more than just words, Violet. It takes hard work.”
“Of course.”
“I'll be in my office analyzing these papers.”
“Yes...”
I didn't even wait for her to finish before walking past her and slamming the door.
I left my briefcase on one of the sofas and went to the table with the documents she had given me. I wanted to use them as a basis for another case I was handling, and I also needed to settle the collective action incident against the drinks distributor once and for all. The union was still analyzing my proposal, and I needed to put pressure on them to accept it; lowering the financial offer of the settlement could be something that would push them to move.
If we went to trial, it was possible that my client would end up getting some jail time, but people wouldn't get the same amount I was offering. In the end, the money could help them a lot more than a man spending a few years in jail because of an accident.
I opened the folder and began to read the case file. Between several lines of far-fetched and boring language that I was already used to, my mind began to wander and soon, I was thinking about the conversation I had with my sister while she and the rest of the family were at my house.
It's the pain, the risk of having feelings...
I'd done very well ignoring them over the last few years; at least, that's what I kept telling myself and convincing myself.
Not having to worry about any woman or run the risk of going through the same ordeal made my life much easier.
I already had two twins, and the job of looking after them was quite exhausting, however rewarding it could be. Trying not to fail them was my duty. If I took the risk of putting another woman in my life, there was also the risk of how she would treat my girls. Taking on another woman's daughters as her own was something that not everyone would do willingly, and there was no arguing; my twins would always be my priority.
Paying for sex was much easier; it set limits and exempted me from any commitment.
I took a deep breath and brought my attention back to myself. I couldn't charge the members if I were failing in my own cause.
I was good as a lawyer, and at least in the legal field, my life didn't seem like a losing battle.
After a long day of discussing the associates' performance with the board members and lawyers who had been with the firm for many years, I was finally able to return home.
It was late; the sun had been down for at least an hour when I parked in one of the parking spaces in the luxury building where I lived. Fortunately, Mylon had already returned from his family vacation and had picked the girls up from school. When I walked into the living room, I saw them sitting on the fluffy carpet, leaning over the coffee table, alternating their attention between a sheet of paper and the cartoon on the television.
I came closer to them and picked up an orange crayon that had slipped onto the carpet.
“Be careful, girls; someone might step on it.”
“Daddy!” They turned to me with the biggest smiles in the world and completely ignored my rebuke.
“Hi, little ones.” I squatted down and opened my arms so that they could come to me.
They each kissed my cheeks before vying for space to grab my neck.
“How was your day today?”
“I glued polka dots...” replied Anne.
“Little balls, eh?” I repeated, putting my arm around each of their waists and picking them up.
“é!” Mary confirmed. “ So much color. We cut it out.”
“And they weren't hurt by the scissors?”
They said no.
“How brave my girls are.” I put them back on the floor. “What are they doing now?”
“Drawing..”.
“What?”
Mary went over to the table and picked up the sheet, showing it to me. In the childish drawing, which bore little resemblance to the real image, I recognized two smaller girls, a larger man and a woman.
“Who is that?” I ventured to ask.
“Helena.”
“Your teacher?”
“They shook their heads together.”
“Why did you draw it with me?”
“She could be our mother,” Mary said openly, and I was surprised at the thought.
“Ah, children...” I scowled and bent down again so that my eyes were level with theirs. “She's your teacher at school, and she can't be your mother.”
“What?”
“Because your mother is in heaven.”
“She's not coming back.” Mary seemed to get annoyed with me.
“Unfortunately, not.” They weren't the only ones who were bothered by the situation. I would do something if I could, but I didn't know of any court capable of reversing death.
“So I want otla. ” Anne beeped.
“That's not how it works.”
“What?”
“A mother is the one who puts us into the world and cannot be replaced; there is only one, and yours has gone to heaven.”
“Luke wins other. He's even going to be your little brother.”
“Has his father remarried?”
“Yes,” replied Mary.
“You can.”
“It's complicated...”
They stared at me, waiting for something better than that simple sentence, but how could I make them understand my situation if I wasn't even capable of it?
“Sir,” called the nanny, and I was forced to turn around to pay attention to her, relieved that the subject had been interrupted, at least for the time being.
“Hi.”
“Can I go now, or do you need me to stay longer?”
“Go ahead.”
“Thank you. See you tomorrow!”
“Until.”
“Bye, girls.” She waved to the twins, who waved back.
“Daddy!” Anne pulled me, and I tensed up again, imagining that they were going to bring up that subject that was making me more and more uncomfortable. “Are we going to have bonbons again?”
“Do you want candy?”
They said yes.
“I don't have any bonbons, but how about a pizza?”
“Wow!”
“Can I keep this?” I picked up the drawing that had been the reason for the whole conversation.
“Podi.”
“Pizza.” Mary's eyes were sparkling, and she wasn't thinking about anything else, much to my relief.
At least for the time being, I had been freed from my daughters' pressure to find someone to fill the position that their mother's death had left vacant. Although it wasn't that simple, I knew that a large part of that dilemma was my own resistance.
They were very happy with the pizza, so I ordered their favorite flavor, pepperoni, and let them have two pieces each. It was a lot for little girls, but an extravagance on a single day wouldn't hurt.
After they'd seen a bit more drawing, I made them put away their crayons and sheets, then go to bed and brush their teeth. I put them to bed and read the beginning of a book before they fell asleep.
As soon as I left their room, I felt more exhausted than ever. It was as if all that fighting was wearing me down. It would have been so much easier if Daphne hadn't died and left me in this situation. But I couldn't blame her or anyone else.
I went into my room and undressed to take a shower. Once I'd relaxed a bit and gone to sleep, I could start a new day. One at a time, as it had been for the past few years.
I felt the paper in my pocket and saw the drawing the girls had made: me, them, and the school teacher. They lived with the woman every day; it was normal for them to direct an absence they felt towards her, but that didn't mean that a little nursery school teacher was the right person for me.
There was no doubt that Helena was so young and beautiful that I was interested in taking her to bed. But sex was the only thing I could see happening between the two of us, just as it had been with the other women I had been involved with after becoming a widower. There was no reason to have anything else.
Closing my heart forever was the best thing for me.
It's the pain, the risk of having feelings...
My sister's voice echoed in my head again, and I was even more annoyed by Deborah's speech. I was fine the way I was, and I didn't need to change anything.
Could it be?
It disturbed me as if my subconscious was objecting to my arguments, almost like an annoying prosecutor.
I was a cold, cunning, and sometimes even cruel man in business when defending my clients. But in my personal life, I even managed to get a different version of myself, one that was more caring and kind. But I was saving that only for my daughters. Why couldn't I go on like this?
It was just a silly drawing. I threw the paper aside, causing it to glide to the floor, and went into the bathroom.
The girls were still very young, and over time, they would understand my motivations and stop fantasizing about something that wasn't going to happen.