Chapter 22
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
ETHAN
I had debated extending the invitation to Jamie for almost a week before biting the bullet.
I knew he was planning on staying in town for the holiday, thanks to Alexei’s planning, but I still wondered if I was taking a big step in the wrong direction.
For the twenty-four hours leading up to the offer, I could hear him over and over in my head, letting me down gently, telling me it wasn’t like that.
Now, as I wake up in rumpled sheets the night after Alexei’s party, I’m so glad I asked.
His head is buried in the pillow next to mine, enjoying the rare chance to sleep in.
The party had been small but joyful, full of good food.
I thought Alexei would cry when he saw the desserts Jamie had brought, nestled in the fancy white box.
Instead, he hugged him and invited him along to dinner with Alexei and I tonight.
For the first time in a long time, I find myself wanting to cancel on Alexei. I know it will be good to spend time with him — something we haven’t done as much one-on-one since the season started. But I also know how precious it is to get to spend this time with Jamie.
As I contemplate how to get out of the plans, Jamie starts to stir, an arm snaking out toward me. It hadn’t been late when we got in last night, but we’d distracted ourselves in this bed long into the night.
His arm finally makes contact with me and a smile blooms over his face.
“Good morning.”
“Morning. How are you feeling this morning?”
Our sex last night had been intense, and I worry he might be feeling it this morning. He stretches like a cat, arms up over his head.
“Fucking great. Your apartment might be the most soulless place on Earth, but it’s all worth it for this bed.”
I laugh, reminded of the day I took Jamie out looking at apartments, of how far we’ve come since.
I roll toward him and kiss his temple before heading to the bathroom. After taking a piss and brushing my teeth, I poke my head back out.
“So, uh, what plans do you have over the break?”
“Um, not a whole lot. You?”
“Well, Alexei and I will get dinner tonight — it’s our tradition — but you’re welcome to come along. Other than that, nothing until the 27th. I don’t suppose you brought enough clothes for that long, did you?”
“I mean, all that’s in the duffel is three jockstraps, but I think that’ll be fine, don’t you?”
My shock must show clearly on my face. He rolls with laughter — literally — in the bed.
“Nah, I’m just joking. I was trying to figure out what the hell to pack and at one point I thought about just tossing in a handful of jocks and calling it a day. I ended up with a more…sensible selection.”
I try not to let my disappointment show on my face.
“Although it is possible that a jock or two still made it in. Who knows?”
We’ll definitely be investigating that later on.
“Did you happen to bring something we could go grab coffee in? I think the place on the corner is open until noon.”
He looks at me appraisingly, as though the offer of caffeine is an important one.
“Yeah, I think I’ve got something that will work.”
In the end, Jamie decides not to come to dinner with Alexei and I, instead choosing to FaceTime his best friend back in California.
At first, he plans to head back to his place, but I am fortunate enough to convince him to stay at mine, instead.
I place a takeout order for him, enjoying the thought of having him here in my space even when I’m not.
As I head downstairs to meet Alexei in the lobby, my phone buzzes in my pocket.
Jamie Carter 6:42 PM
Sorry about that.
I really do have a call with Avery tonight.
But I also thought you and Alexei could stand to have some time together.
Ethan Tremblay 6:53PM
Thanks
Have a good call
Although I was sort of looking forward to plying you with red meat and a nice Cabernet
Jamie 6:55 PM
I don't think you've needed to “ply” me since, like, Thanksgiving.
Canadian Thanksgiving.
But I could be open to being...plied...later tonight?
That puts a smile on my face, and Alexei seems to notice it immediately when I walk off the elevator.
“Are you...texting someone, Ethan?”
For a second I panic, but then I realize – there's no need. I'm thirty-two-year-old with nothing to do for the next two days – it would honestly be weird if I weren't hoping to get laid.
“Maybe.” With a smirk, I turn my back to him, shooting Jamie an eggplant emoji and a heart eyes emoji and shoving my phone in my pocket. When I turn back around, his eyes are nearly as big as the smile on his face.
“Good for you, Ethan!”
Alexei suggests one of my favorite steakhouses, a place near 394. As our Uber pulls up, I realize it's just a few blocks from Jamie's place.
The place is dark and intimate; in another life, I could imagine bringing Jamie here and watching the candlelight shine off his blond hair.
The hostess welcomes us warmly and takes us to a small, private alcove.
I no longer ask how Alexei makes things like this happen – I simply bask in the privileges of being his friend.
As we settle in, he looks at me, and I can tell I won't get away without talking about what happened in the lobby.
“So you are...seeing someone?”
I look at the wine menu and wonder if it's too late to take it back, to tell him it was all a prank. He and I have known each other for nearly a decade, and in all that time I've never dated anyone. How could I imagine he would just let it go?
Maybe I can just say Hailey or Astrid set me up with a friend and it's early days still. That might at least buy me a week or two to think it through.
“Ethan, it is ok. You don't have to talk about it. You've just...you've seemed distant lately. I am happy to know you are doing okay, yes?”
He's not wrong. As I've spent more and more time with Jamie, I've started to neglect my friendship with Alexei. I know I'm not texting him as much, not leaning on him as much. Does he deserve to know why?
I press my lips together, trying to decide how to proceed. In eight years, I've never once heard a slur from his mouth, never heard him speak ill of anyone...well, anyone who stayed out of his crease. What if I just...told him?
Sweat breaks out across the back of my neck at the thought. Can I just...do that?
For a moment, I am saved by the waitress returning to the table to take our orders. But before long, we are alone again.
“I'm...seeing someone. Sort of.”
His eyebrows raise so far up his forehead that they're nearly lost in his hairline.
“Ethan! This is wonderful news. I am so happy for you.”
I blush at this. “Yes, well, it's still very early. Don't go starting a wedding registry or whatever. I'm not even sure I'd really say we're dating. But we're...something.”
He smiles softly. “And they are good to you?”
I nod.
“Yes, they are very good to me. Very...understanding.”
His smile drops a notch at that.
“Understanding?”
“Yes, our lives aren't...they aren't always easy. You know this.”
The waitress returns with our dinners, laying out sides and sauces and plates across our table.
“Miss? Thank you so much for your service. It has been wonderful. My friend and I need to discuss some business. Could I bother you for some privacy for the next, oh, thirty minutes?” I see Alexei slip the young woman a bill.
“Oh, er, yes. Of course. I'll just, um, be back in half an hour?”
“That would be perfect.”
She walks away, leaving us alone.
“That'll be all over the papers tomorrow.”
“You worry too much about what will be in the papers.”
“I think I worry exactly the right amount about what will be in the papers.”
“Psh. I'll thank you at the end of dinner for talking through my options with me. The papers will think we were discussing an offer and by New Year’s Greg will be calling my agent with a higher number for my contract extension.”
I laugh at this.
“Ethan, people see what they want to see.”
Unsure of how to respond to that, I pick up my silverware and begin to dig in, grabbing some asparagus with hollandaise from the plate in the middle of the table.
“The person you are dating...are they worried about the papers, too?”
I chew, trying to decide how to respond. Yes? No? Not nearly as much as they should be?
“It's...complicated.”
Alexei's eyes hold my own and I feel the sweat on the back of my neck again.
“It's...they're...it's a man, Alexei.”
He nods, holding my gaze and remaining silent.
“I'm, uh, I'm gay.”
A smile breaks across his face and his hand reaches out to grab mine.
“Thank you so much for telling me, Ethan.”
From the time I was ten, I wondered what would happen if I ever gave in and said those words. I've pictured what would happen if I ever said those words – tearful thanks were not on the list.
“Thank you for letting me know I could.”
I realize that's exactly what he's done this year. From his warm welcome for Jamie to his refusal to use a gender-specific pronoun in this conversation.
“I've...I've been trying to let you know for a while, Ethan. For years.”
“For...years? Have I been that obvious?” My heart starts to race, wondering who else might suspect.
“No, Ethan. Not obvious at all. But you and I...
we are more than friends. We are brothers.
We are with one another for seven months straight, living on top of each other during the season, and then everyone else goes away and we have five more during the off-season.
I've known for a long time that you are unhappy, unfulfilled.”
He's not wrong. There's been a hole in my life for a long time, but I somehow only saw the size of it this year.
He looks at me hesitantly, as though he's unsure of whether to continue or not.
“Then one year, in Phoenix, we stayed in that godawful hotel that wouldn't let us smoke in the rooms.”
I'm not sure where he's going with this.
“Alexei, that's just the law.”
“Stupid American laws. Anyway, we were in Phoenix and we'd lost, and I'd just broken up with...what's her name?” He snaps his fingers, as though I'll be able to intuit the name of this woman lost to time from that alone.
“Which one?”
“The blonde. You know, with the legs?”
“Alexei, that could be, like, five different people.”
What can I say? He has a type.
“Oh well. Anyway, I needed a smoke. So I went downstairs. And I saw you being dropped off in a car by a man.”
I remember the night, now. I, too, had felt the loss sorely. Instead of spending time with the boys, I'd jumped on an app to find a moment of oblivion with a nameless stranger. A downpour had started and I'd ended up accepting his ride back to the hotel.
“Elle. You had just broken up with Elle.”
“Ah, yes. Did you see her in Vogue last month?”
I had not.
“Anyway, I saw this man give you this searing kiss and I realized why you never seemed to keep a girl around for long.”
The funny thing is, I almost never kiss hookups. But the guy had gotten a little...clingy toward the end, asking to meet up again the next day. What Alexei had seen as a moment of passion had been, for me, one of repulsion and fear of being identified.
“So you've known for sure for...” I count the years in my head “...at least four years?”
“I mean, what is 'sure'? All I knew for sure is that I saw a man kiss you.”
“But you never told me.”
“No.”
“Why?”
Alexei uses his fork to pick at the baked potato on his plate, spreading it around.
“On the ice, all you do is ensure I am safe. You block shots, you cut off plays, you make sure I can do what I need to do.”
I'm not really sure what he's getting at.
“So I...I wanted to make sure you were safe. That you knew you could tell me.”
Now it is my eyes that are filling with tears. I blink, trying to will them away.
“You did. You do.” I reach out and squeeze his hand briefly.
He nods.
“Good. Now let's dig in – our meat is getting cold and you need to go get laid.”
That night, as I ride back up the elevator to my apartment, I can’t help but feel…lighter.
Someone knows.
Someone knows the truth — someone I love and respect — and the world hasn’t ended.
As I walk back into my apartment, I can hear a low sound in the living room, where a few lamps are turned on. Jamie is on the couch, the TV tuned to ESPN. He has drifted off to sleep, cuddled up in the throw I usually keep on the back of the couch.
On the coffee table sits a box with a California postmark.
Inside, I see a few books, a plate of cookies, and a wrapped gift.
On top, there’s a note: So happy you’ve found good friends.
Can’t wait to see you next month! -Mom. I smile to myself, glad to know that Jamie has shared about us with his mom, even just a little.
It’s amazing how much more like home the apartment feels, having him here. He’s right — it’s a soulless place, not an ounce of personality in sight. But here in this little nest of warm light, there’s personality to spare.
I sit down next to him, running a hand through his hair. He wakes up slowly, gifting me with that smile that belongs only to me.
“Hey…did I fall asleep?”
I nod silently, smiling down at him.
“How was dinner?’
“It was…great. You were right, it was nice to spend some time with Alexei.”
“Good.”
He looks at his watch and stretches.
“Ethan? Will you ply me now?”
I chuckle.
“It would be my pleasure.”