Chapter 25
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
JAMIE
As though things weren’t bad enough, I wake up the next morning to find they’ve gotten worse. Among the notifications greeting me on my phone after a scant few hours of sleep lies one from ESPN.
All Star Surprises: Tremblay, Smith, Bellaire in; Carter and Kovak out
I heave a deep sigh and navigate to the Southwest Airlines app. I guess it’s time to buy my ticket for California.
I knew this would happen. Knew that the league wouldn’t want to call attention to me, not any more than the news around my draft and my successful season already have.
Hell, I’m shocked they’re taking Ethan after yesterday’s article.
They must have been reassured by his agent’s press release… or else it was too late.
I had really tried not to get my hopes up. But when Alexei and Ethan and Matthews and Lindy had all told me not to plan on being available, I…might have. Just a little.
It seems to be the theme of my life this month.
I notice a few texts from Avery and wonder if he’s even been to bed yet.
Avery Lawson 6:23 AM
Saw the news. That sucks.
Am I a bad friend if I say I’m glad I’ll get to see you?
Jamie Carter 6:25 AM
Nah
I’m glad I’ll get to see you, too
We knew it was a long shot
Also, shit with the married guy went bad
Avery Lawson 6:28 AM
He was married!
Jamie Carter 6:30 AM
No. I just can’t remember what fucking name I gave him.
The team plane leaves for Tampa in an hour, so I toss the phone in my duffel and get changed. As I open my front door, I’m surprised to find Alexei sitting there with coffee.
“I saw the news.”
What news? The Twitter accounts picking apart the photos of Ethan and I? The fact that the league I play for would rather I didn’t?
There’s so much good news to pick from today.
As I take the coffee from his hand — heavy on cream, light on sugar, just how I like it — Alexei tries again.
“Is bullshit, you know.”
I look at him for a long moment.
“You’ll have to be more specific.”
He snorts and unlocks his SUV using the fob. I toss my bag in the back and jump in the passenger seat. Part of me wants to put up a fight, tell him that I’m not interested in spending time with any friend of Ethan’s.
But most of me remembers last night, when he tried to get Ethan to…
I’ll be honest, I’m not sure what he was trying to get Ethan to do. Tell his dad to fuck off? Definitely. Spend more time outside with me, not less? Probably yes.
Come out? Like, out out?
“Hey, uh, Alexei?”
“Yes, Jamie?”
“I need you to lay off Cap, okay?”
Given how quickly his head snaps toward me, I’m glad he hasn’t yet pulled into traffic.
“What do you mean?”
“About the article? And what he asked Jack to do? I need you to stop.”
His eyebrows cinch together and a hand angrily hits the steering wheel.
“I don’t fucking get you two.”
Is he…mad at me?
“Maybe is because I am Russian. We are more, how you say, passionate. But if I found someone who looks at me like he looks at you, I’d be doing whatever I could to keep that. Not sitting in the back of someone else’s SUV while he talks to the worst father in the history of the world.”
I’m taken aback by his fury, unsure if what I’ve done really merits it.
“And Ethan. Jesus, what a fucking moron. Lives for decades telling nothing but lies, lies, lies. And somehow, by sheer fucking dumb luck, he finds you. And he saw how it could be. I know he saw it. And what does he want to do? Keep telling fucking lies.”
Tears burn at my eyes, and for a second I think of yelling back at him, telling him he doesn’t get to be more angry about this than I am.
And for now, I’m not letting myself be angry, not letting myself be sad.
I’m not letting myself be anything, because in about 20 minutes, I’ll have to see him again.
“Back off, Alexei. No one gets to tell Ethan when to come out. Not you, and definitely not me.”
“But if you just told him that you want him to, I think he would.”
“Sure. And then in a month or two or six months or a year he can blame me for losing his family, for losing hockey. No fucking thank you.”
“Losing hockey? Is that not stretching it?”
“Well, you don’t see me packing a bag for Las Vegas, do you, Alexei? Or in talks for Rookie of the Year. Fuck, without you, I’d probably be in a hotel next to a Denny’s in fucking Iowa.”
I can feel the tears start to come and I have to stop. I cannot be crying when I see Ethan on that plane. I look out the window, willing the tears down.
“Just…don’t. Ok?”
He puts a massive hand on my thigh, giving it a gentle squeeze.
“Ok, Jamie.”
We get to the airport before Ethan, for which I am eternally grateful. I walk to the back of the plane, finding Matty and Lindy arguing with Gagnon over a deck of cards.
“Um, hey guys. Can I grab a seat with you?”
Lindy looks confused, but is absolutely incapable of rudeness. He shoves his bag under the seat in front of him. He exchanges a look with the other two, Matthews finally the one to risk asking.
“Did, uh, you and Cap have a fight or something?”
Yeah, I knew this move would stir up some questions. I wish they weren’t quite so close to home. At least my sleepless tossing and turning gave me a chance to think. I lower my voice.
“Did you see The Neutral Zone yesterday?”
I figure the best lie is one that’s uncomfortably close to the truth.
Lindy nods.
“Yes! Park pictures. I didn’t even know Cap could smile!”
I love how kind he is. That absolute turd of an article and all he could think is how nice it is to see Ethan smile for a change.
Gagnon is not so pure of heart.
“This about that bullshit about him being your ‘friend’?”
It turns out scare quotes look really menacing coming from a 6’3” Quebecois enforcer.
Apparently, Matty also saw the article, a grimace forming on his face.
“Anyway, his agent thinks it would be best if we…aren’t. Friends, I mean.”
Again, their eyes meet.
“Look, I really don’t want to talk about it. What are we playing?”
With that, Gagnon starts to deal.
Throughout the flight, I see Ethan keep poking his head into the aisle, looking backward to where I’m sitting, as though this weren’t his own idea.
Alexei seems to have noticed, too, and has moved up front to watch video with him. A curl of jealousy flares inside me, and I try to put it out.
On the bus to the hotel, I sit with Lindy again. This time, Ethan isn’t just confused, he looks…angry? Holy mixed signals, Ethan.
At the hotel, we unload, getting an hour to ourselves before we pack back up for a short practice skate. As I open my duffel, I’m grateful for the room to myself. Just minutes later, I’m hanging up my game clothes as I hear a loud pounding on the door.
“Open up, Jamie, I know you’re in there.”
What the fuck?
I rush to the door, pulling him into the room before anyone can poke their head out into the hallway. Just what we need — Captain Comes Calling at Rookie’s Room.
“What the hell are you doing?” I whisper, knowing that even in a hotel this nice, the walls aren’t that thick.
“What am I doing? What are you doing? Sitting with fucking Lindholm on the plane? Pretending you don’t even know me? What the fuck is that?” Ethan, I notice, doesn’t seem to feel the need to whisper.
I stare at him, mouth open.
“Is that not exactly what you wanted? We’re just friends, right? I’m trying to be just friends.”
“That’s not…that isn’t what I meant and you know it.”
I know fucking nothing.
“I think you were pretty clear, Ethan. Nothing to it, right?”
Oh, shit. Now I sound bitter. I take a deep breath.
“Jesus Christ, Jamie. It’s not like it was a decision or whatever. I just… I just didn’t know what to do, what to say. It seemed like the best way to just make it go away, you know?”
I do know. And if I weren’t part of the it he was trying to make go away, I’d almost understand.
“Look, Ethan. This is my fault. We went from hooking up casually to…whatever we were really quickly.”
“Were? What the fuck do you mean, were?”
I know the man’s played hockey for nearly thirty years, but he cannot possibly have received enough head injuries to make him this stupid.
“Ethan, you wanted this to go away quietly. I’m going away quietly.”
“I didn’t want you to go away. I wanted…I wanted a second to think. To plan. I didn’t want to come out in response to some dumb asshole from The Neutral Zone who lucked out with some kid’s Instagram photos from the park. But I didn’t want you to go.”
This hurts. I know what I’m doing is right, for him and for me. But I don’t want to.
“Ethan, you’re just a few years out from retirement. Then you can do it how you always planned, yeah? I really think you will. But it’s not gonna be now and it’s not gonna be because of me.”
He swipes a hand across his eyes, sopping up dampness with his sleeve. He turns away quickly, heading over to the dresser and grabbing his phone.
For a second, I’m confused. Then I realize.
“Ethan, what are you doing?”
His thumbs fly over the keyboard.
“If it’s you or not you, I’m gonna pick you, ok Jamie? Give me a second.”
I lunge for the phone, grabbing it before he can realize what I’m doing. I’m relieved when I see the post hasn’t sent. I lock the phone and put it in my back pocket.
“What, so you just get to make all the decisions? Unless…unless you don’t want to…?”
He looks at me, eyes watery and afraid. It would be so easy. Just tell him I was in it for the sex, and it could be done for good. But I can’t.
I raise a hand to his cheek, missing the scratch of his beard.
“No, Ethan. It’s not that.”
“Then what? How can I fix this?”
“I told you about how I came out, yeah? It was…it was terrible, ok? And I know right now you’re in flight or fight mode and your brain still can’t decide which one to do. But I can’t have you making a decision like this under stress like this.”
His eyes plead with me.
“Look, the All Star Break is a couple weeks away, and that’ll give us another week.
Let it die down. I’ll spend time with the rest of the team for a bit, then head home to LA.
You’ll hang with Alexei then go to Vegas and show them how amazing you are.
And then, come home and we can talk about this.
Really talk — not just respond to the shit around us.
Honestly, we should probably push it to summer, but… ”
“I can’t. Even if it’s a no, even if we can’t figure it out. I can’t spend two months waiting to hear it.”
I run my hand up into his hair, pulling his head toward me, resting my forehead against his.
“No, me neither. Either way, I need to know.”
Either way. As though there’s some combination of events where this doesn’t end in heartbreak for me.
But for now, I pretend, just for a little longer.
“Can I kiss you?”
I bite my lip, not sure I can handle it. Not sure I can handle missing out on my last chance, either.
“Just a kiss, Ethan. Just one.”
As his lips touch mine, I try to memorize the feeling — his beard scratching my hand, his tongue darting out to trace along my lips. But all of that is drowned out by the knowledge that this is the last time.