Chapter 30
CHAPTER THIRTY
ETHAN
As part of the media circus known as the All Star Game, I have to participate in a media day, cycling through outlet after outlet, talking about the season, the team, and this ridiculous act of pageantry.
My first few interviews are pretty easy puff pieces – questions of the day about my favorite snack food or pregame ritual.
Just before lunch, though, I get ushered into a room with Sam Montgomery.
Sam is what I think of as a Serious Hockey Journalist, and unlike most people in that mental box, I don’t totally hate him.
A few years ago, a sexual assault case tore through one of the New York teams and Sam was one of the few calling for accountability all the way up to the head office.
Needless to say, my father despises him.
As we sit down, he seems a little disinterested.
I can hardly blame him. I have to be the least interesting player here — a pretty solid defenseman who’s a little on the old side, but not old enough to be interesting.
I have a reputation for giving bland answers and I’m sure he sees this as yet another box to check before his lunch.
“Ethan, good to see you.” He shakes my hand and takes a seat.
“You too, Sam. Happy to talk with you today.”
“Well, how does it feel to be picked for the All Star Game?”
It’s a softball question, and I’m sure he’s expecting a softball answer.
Thanks for asking, Sam. It’s an honor to be able to represent my team here. I’m so happy to have been selected.
But I’m not.
“Well, honestly, Sam? It felt like a kick in the teeth.”
That gets his attention. His body language changes, sitting forward in his chair.
“Could you elaborate on that?”
“I’d be happy to. I’ve had a first row seat to the amazing work Jamie Carter has been doing this season in Minneapolis.
He’s taken a team that was struggling badly and completely reinvigorated the offense, not only on his line, but across the entire team.
To be chosen over him feels like an insult to the entire Minnesota Huskies organization. ”
His eyes are wide, and I can almost see his brain spinning. I wonder for a second if Jamie is on a list of forbidden topics. Still, Sam is a journalist at heart, and I’m fairly certain he won’t walk past this open door.
“Are you suggesting that Carter was deliberately overlooked by the league?”
“Absolutely. Since the draft last summer, it’s felt like journalists and the league have made a concerted effort to be as unimpressed by Carter as possible.
Did you know that Minneapolis is currently holding onto the best record through fifty games that we’ve ever had?
That we currently have the highest probability of making the playoffs out of all thirty-two teams?
And yet, if you look at mainstream hockey journalism, all you’ll see is questions about whether he’s a distraction to the team.
Well, if we’re playing distracted, I’d hate to see what we’d be doing if we paid attention. ”
I pause for a moment to catch my breath, and Sam seems to be considering his next question. Before he can find one, I start again.
“I’ve also been intensely disappointed with the league’s action — or lack thereof — towards teams that have repeatedly targeted Carter, both physically and verbally.
Whether it’s dirty hits like the one from Dallas or the slurs I regularly hear flung his way, it is absolutely unacceptable.
I call on the league to address this with both officials and teams. Until they do so, I will assume it is because they accept the behaviors. ”
Montgomery’s eyes light up, as though I’ve somehow saved his very best Christmas gift and given it to him at this moment.
“So you’re telling me you believe the league’s failure to select Carter has to do with him being the first gay player?”
“I think we all know the league has a very clear idea of what a player should be. Strong, stoic, traditionally masculine. Willing to play through anything. Willing to suffer in silence. How many players do you know who play injured, only to end up with lifelong disabilities? Or who mask their pain with substances?”
I know Sam has written stories about these players, about the hidden costs of playing this game.
“I grew up in this league, I grew up around these players, and I know they have a very clear idea of what it means to be a man. And Jamie Carter spits in the face of all that. But what the league isn’t giving him credit for is the sheer grit and determination it takes to do all that he has done while the entire world is telling you that you can’t.
That is what it means to be a strong man in this league. ”
Again I stop for a breath, and Sam jumps in.
“I’m sure Carter appreciates your support. Would you say the team has been welcoming to him?”
I think for a second about that.
“Yeah, the guys have been great. Kovalenko set a strong positive tone early on and that has continued. I’m sorry, Sam.
I want to return to your previous question for a moment.
You mentioned Carter being the first gay player in the league, and I just want to be clear: Carter is neither the first nor the only gay player in this league.
He’s simply the first with the balls to do it publicly. ”
His eyebrow raises at this. If he thought I was done with this line of questioning, he’s wrong.
“So you’re saying that there are players in the league who are choosing to remain closeted. What do you think might be motivating that?”
I take a deep breath, and then another. Up until now, I’ve been winging it. But this next part? I’ve been running through it for days. With Jack, with Alexei, in my head over and over while I should have been sleeping…
“Well, Sam, when I was a young gay man trying to make my way, first in the AHL and then later in the NHL, I was intensely aware of the fact that anything that made me stand out was to be discouraged. Whether it was a twinge in my knee or the fact that I was attracted to other men, I needed to just put my head down and keep quiet about it. Run drills, hit hard, and just generally stay out of the way.”
If I thought Sam’s eyes were huge before, that’s nothing to now. He looks shocked, and I don’t think he could generate a question now if forced. So instead, I continue.
“But the thing is, ignoring things don’t make them go away.
That knee needed surgery. And I was still attracted to men, I was just miserable about it.
I spent ten years worrying about when it would catch up to me, when someone would realize that I don’t belong here.
But thanks to Carter, I get it now. I’m not the problem. The league is.”
“You’re…I’m sorry, you’re saying that you’re gay?”
“Yes, Sam. And I’m tired of lying about it.”
After a few more questions from Sam about the team and how they’ve handled Jamie — echoing some of the questions I heard from other players in the locker room yesterday — he wraps up the interview.
With the cameras and microphones off, he approaches my chair, hand out for another handshake.
“You know you could’ve gotten a lot of money for that interview, right?”
He’s not wrong. In our conversation the other day, Jack had pointed out that this story would be absolute gold. That I could basically write myself a blank check if I’d give it to ESPN or Sports Illustrated.
But for so long my choices have been about money, about stability. This was about doing what was right.
“Yeah. But it isn’t about the money, you know?”
He nods his head.
“I, uh, wanted to share it with someone I could trust to focus on the right story. I hope that’s you.”
And I hope he understands what I’m saying. That I don’t want this to turn into a piece about Jamie and my “friendship”, full of speculation about what we are or aren’t to each other.
“You can trust me. Do you have any input on when I post this? It’ll certainly make…ripples.”
That’s the understatement of the year.
“I’ll be sending a text to my coach and teammates shortly. Everyone else who needs to know already does. You can release it whenever you like.”
Back in my hotel room, I pull up the Notes app on my phone. There, I find the words I've been working on for the past week.
I hope you're all enjoying your time away from the rink this week. Before I return to Minneapolis, there is something I want to share with you all.
I am gay.
I have known this for as long as I can remember, but growing up around hockey has made me feel that I would never be able to be open about it.
I have always been proud to be on a team with you all, but never more than when I saw how you all welcomed Jamie this year.
For the first time, I could see a future where I could be honest with you and with myself.
I'd like to thank Jamie and Alexei for their support as I've navigated through this over the past several months. You will probably see some news about this before long, but I wanted you all to know first.
Go Huskies.
Taking a deep breath, I select the text, copying and pasting it into the group chat. I take one more look out the window, then hit send.
It seems silly, but I almost expect something to happen – for the sun to fall out of the sky or an angry mob to stampede toward the hotel. Nothing does, of course. The world marches on, exactly as it was before.
I put my phone on do not disturb and lay down for my pregame nap. At first, I think I won't be able to sleep, the different outcomes running through my mind. But as my head touches the pillow, my body relaxes in a way it hasn't in a long time. Before I know it, I'm asleep.
I sleep soundly until my alarm alerts me to the fact that it's time to get ready for the night's game. I put on my compression garments and a pair of sweats and debate whether or not to look at my phone. Ultimately, I realize I'll need to call an Uber, so I might as well.
My notifications aren't too insane, so I'm assuming the article hasn't dropped yet.
I can't help but be grateful; at least I won't have to deal with that in the locker room tonight.
I go ahead and order my car before opening my messages.
The group chat has a crazy number of unread messages, and I hesitate to open it.
Instead, I start with some of the individual texts.
Alexei Kovalenko 2:36 PM
I am so proud of you, Ethan.
I know the boys will be good about this.
Or else.
Wait
News? What news?
Why aren't you answering me?
Wait. Pre-game nap.
Tell me later.
Please.
Love you.
I chuckle at Alexei's rambling thoughts, realizing how cruel it was for me to drop this bomb and then go radio silent. I type a quick response before grabbing my bag.
Ethan Tremblay 4:57 PM
Talked to Sam Montgomery today.
I was honest.
Very, very honest.
He has my permission to run the story
at any time. Jack is ready with a press release.
Alexei Kovalenko 4:58 PM
Holy shit.
I am so, SO proud.
I will also be ready with statement.
Ethan Tremblay 4:59 PM
Oh yeah?
Alexei Kovalenko 4:59 PM
Yes.
Statement is “Support my friend Ethan or anticipate visit from Russian mob.”
Ethan Tremblay 5:01 PM
I'm sure the front office will love that.
Alexei Kovalenko 5:01 PM
Whether or not Greg is ready for Alexei to threaten gross bodily harm to the league and its fans, I can't help but be grateful Alexei is on my side. I see that my car has arrived and step into the elevator, opening Lindy's message next.
Anders Lindholm 2:48 PM
Thank you for feeling safe sharing that with us, Ethan.
The team will of course support you fully.
We love you, Cap.
I'm a little surprised to see that Johnny has reached out, too. He may be my d-partner, but he's also such a...bro. I know he grew up in the South, so I'm a little concerned what words he may have for me. As I get in the car, I take a deep breath and open his message.
Johnny MacKenzie 3:15 PM
I am so sorry that you didn't know you could come to me with this.
You will always be the best d-partner a man could ask for.
You have my full support.
Oh, and Hailey would like to share this with the WAGs, is that cool?
Shit.
I should have asked you before I told her.
I laugh at that – I'm fairly certain the two share a brain, and I know for a fact that she's in possession of about 90% of it on any given day.
Ethan Tremblay 5:10 PM
No, man. That's totally chill.
I wouldn't want you to hide this from your girl.
Um, if she thinks the WAGs will be good about it she's free to share.
It should be public knowledge soon enough.
Knowing that Johnny's on my side, I take a deep breath and open the team group chat. There, I see a flood of messages.
Anders Lindholm 2:39 PM
We've got your back, Cap.
Alexei Kovalenko 2:41 PM
If anyone does not support, feel free to fuck off.
Evan Matthews 2:43 PM
Love is love
Nate Sutter 2:45 PM
Love you, Cap.
Johnny MacKenzie 2:47 PM
Gayest team in the NHL!
...I mean that as a good thing.
The level of support is a little overwhelming. Still, I can't help but look at the names and think about those who haven't responded. Alexei and my assistant captain are clearly setting a strong tone. I'm sure there's someone in this chat who isn't thrilled by this news.
Still, after years in a league where being bullied into being homophobic is the norm, I can't help but laugh at the fact that I'm now on a team where people are bullied into being supportive. Maybe turnabout's fair play?
The one name I don't see that really hurts is Jamie's.
I keep trying to remind myself that I'm not doing this for him.
He was right that there's no way that would end well, putting all that pressure on this new, fragile thing that's between us.
Even if we're over – and with every day that I don't hear from him, I'm more and more sure that's the case – I thought he'd voice his support.
On that note, the Uber pulls into the arena parking lot. I react to as many messages as I can with the heart emoji, then put my phone away. It's time to play hockey.