Chapter 32 #2
I know I should probably wait until we're home for this, in our own space.
But for years, I've completely kept myself from thinking about it.
It wasn't until Jamie that I saw how wrong my ideas were, how much power could be found in vulnerability.
Here, weak with gratitude to have him in my life, I want to share that with him.
“Why?” Jamie echoes the thought in my mind, and I have to trace back our conversation in my mind to understand what he's asking.
“Why...have I been doing research?”
He nods at me, so close his hair brushes my cheek as he does.
“Because I thought...I'd like to try it.”
He stares at me, his eyebrows knitting together.
He grabs my hand, pulling back a bit as he does. He turns his head to look at me and I wonder how I've managed to mess this up.
“You know you don't have to, right?” He squeezes my hand as he says this, and I can't help but think how lucky I am to have this man in my life.
“I know that,” I tell him, nodding.
“It doesn't make you any less gay, even if you never bottom. Plenty of men never do.”
I am struck by how easy it would be to believe Jamie was the older of the two of us. He's certainly had more experience with these conversations, and in this moment I'm grateful for that.
“I know that, too. But I also know why I never allowed it to be an option for me. And it's got enough to do with my fucked up views on men and masculinity that I want to...challenge it? Besides, you seem to enjoy it.”
I wink at him, trying to lighten the mood. Sure enough, a smirk creeps onto his mouth.
“I certainly do.” He chews on his lip, seeming to still be deciding.
“I know I might not like it. And I know if I don't, you'll stop and we'll do something else. Right?”
He meets my eyes, nodding firmly.
“Besides, I've already, uh, cleaned up. I'd hate to waste it.”
This finally gets a laugh out of him, the uncertainty leaving his eyes.
“Well, when you put it like that...we can try it. But you need to tell me if you're not liking it, okay?”
“Okay,” I promise him.
He leans back in, kissing me gently on the mouth.
He places a few more gentle kisses across my face, my nose, my neck, before standing and moving to the head of the bed.
He rearranges some pillows and heads to the bathroom to grab lube from the toiletry bag I packed.
Placing it next to the pillow he's placed in the center of the bed, he returns to me, pulling me up to him.
This time his kiss is fiery, almost hungry. I can feel him growing hard against me. Meeting him kiss for kiss, I feel myself begin to respond. His hands run along the hem of my shirt, tracing their way up and under it. As his rough hands graze along my skin, I feel the tingle of nerves.
“Why don't you lay down?”
“How, uh, do you want me?”
“On your back, hips on that pillow. And lose the shirt.”
The nervous look is almost completely gone from his eyes now, replaced instead with the fiery heat I prefer.
Shucking my shirt, I lay down. If it weren't for the pillow beneath my hips, this would feel like almost any other night.
I love having Jamie on top of me, over me, anchoring me down as I come.
The thought crosses my mind that he's probably thought of this, trying to put me in a position that feels familiar while so much else is unknown.
I truly don't deserve this man.
He climbs onto the bed next to me, bringing his hand back to trace the lines it worked before, running over my chest, my abs, along the sensitive skin at the waistband of my shorts.
Soon, his mouth joins in, working my nipples, my navel, then stilling as his hands dip into my shorts, pulling them down.
When Jamie sees the jock I have on underneath, he groans deep and needy.
“We're gonna need to revisit this later,” he says, pulling it down and off like the shorts before it.
I chuckle, glad to have that knowledge in my arsenal.
His tongue runs down from my stomach, tracing along the hair there until it reaches the base of my dick.
At this point, we've given one another so many blowjobs that he knows just what I like.
Sure enough, he starts by taking me deep, making sure that I'm wet and ready.
As he pulls back to focus on the head, his hands splay on my thighs.
His tongue runs around the head, finishing with a swipe up and over my slit.
I can't help but throw my head back, consumed by Jamie's expert tongue.
As he continues to work me, his hands begin to move.
At first, it's just up and down my thighs, rubbing over the hair there, sending a tingle along my nerves.
Then, he brings one hand up to my dick, while the other goes down to play with my balls. I moan at this, splaying my legs and resting one hand on Jamie's head. Even though this has become a near-daily experience, I can't help but think of how lucky I am to have Jamie's mouth on me.
His mouth and tongue move constantly, alternating between deep and shallow, speeding up and slowing down.
I'm so consumed by the feeling that I almost miss the movement of his other hand as his fingers creep backward.
Just as I notice it, one finger circles around the pucker of my ass, sending a shock skittering along my nerves.
Over the past few weeks, I've tried out some of this on my own, using my fingers on the rare occasion when I jerk off. Mostly, it's felt...awkward? But now, with Jamie, I feel anticipation boiling in my blood.
I hear the click of the lube cap, and his fingers leave me for just a moment.
Then they're back, slick and wet. His head never stops moving, giving me something to focus on.
I'm not ashamed to say that most days, he'd have me coming after this much head – clearly, I'm a little in my mind right now, as my dick remains interested if not enthusiastic.
On the next swipe of his fingers around my rim, one dips inside, just to the first knuckle. It happens so fast I don't even record it before it's gone, swiping gentle circles again.
And so it continues – his tongue running over my cock, his fingers working around my hole, and every so often the dip of one inside my body.
Soon, I'm craving that moment, pushing against it, urging him deeper inside me.
When I've tried this on my own, I've been all too aware of the stretch, the feeling of something being where it usually isn't.
Not now, not with him. Instead, I can only think of the pleasure running through my body, the desire to get him further inside me. On his next pass, the finger slips all the way in, and with a slight crook, it hits the tangle of nerves deep inside me.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.