Chapter 18
Chapter
Eighteen
When I thought of Ethan, I always thought of ice. He was cold and calculating and sometimes even cruel.
Tonight, he was fire. His hands were warm against my back. His lips firm and unyielding, gentle and exploratory. He tasted of cumin and spice.
I didn’t do anything for a long moment, knowing he’d come to his senses and pull away, and I didn’t want to seem too eager or rush anything. The Lord was powerful but fragile, and I wouldn’t do anything to hurt him.
To my surprise, he did neither. His fingers tangled in my hair, and he leaned back, taking me with him.
I melted against his body and opened my mouth.
His tongue slid inside, eliciting an involuntary moan of surrender from me.
He smelled of pine and wild things and the seasonings I’d used for dinner, and that should have been weird, but all I could think of was how much Ethan felt like home.
My hands slid up his chest, exploring the lean planes of his muscles, stopping to cup his face.
Ethan deepened the kiss, turning it into something savage and raw.
Desire flooded my body. The urge to rip his clothes off tore at my mind, the need to claim him pounding in my head.
It took everything I had not to respond to the voice in my head telling me to undress him, take him to my bed and make him mine.
Any moment, he would come to his senses and realize it was me he was touching, me he was kissing. Not the woman he loved with everything he was.
I wasn’t her. I’d never be her.
“Stop thinking,” he murmured against my lips.
I pulled back and eyed him. “Are you alright?”
Ethan’s rumbling chuckle made my stomach flip. “A beautiful woman just fed me dinner and made out with me a little. The night would be perfect, but she stopped and asked me if I was alright.”
I shoved his chest gently. “Ass.”
I tried to get off his lap, but his hands held me firm. “I’m fine.”
I must have looked doubtful. Ethan’s lips tipped into a small smile. “Maybe I’ll regress when I get home. No way to know. For now, I am here with you, and everything is right with the world. Instead of overthinking things, can we sit here tonight, together, and just be?”
I blinked the moisture in my eyes away. “Yes.” My voice was husky. “Of course.”
Six months ago, he would have run away. No. Scratch that. He never would have let me crawl onto his lap or touch him. We’d turned a corner tonight. Where it would take us was anyone’s guess.
But for tonight, I could do exactly as he asked.
Eventually, when I started whining about still being hungry, Ethan let me off his lap. I dished out the rest of the tacos and handed Ethan his half. He patted the seat next to him.
When I eyed him, he snorted. “Come sit beside me. Please.”
He didn’t have to tell me twice. I curled against him and we ate together, a companionable silence taking up the space between us.
I’d eaten with him before. Many times. But tonight there was a comfortable intimacy not present before. I liked it. I liked this.
And after tonight’s kiss, I was half convinced I was in love with him.
I shoved that thought down deep into the cold metal box inside my heart I rarely opened.
Tonight was a memory I’d cherish forever, but I wasn’t foolish enough to think this would last. Not with Ethan always running hot and cold.
Tonight was the hottest he’d ever been, allowing a small sliver of hope to catch in my heart.
Tomorrow might bring an attack of conscience and reverse all our progress.
But tonight, I was curled against him, warm and content, sharing a drink and talking. And that was worth more than all the bad moments we’d had together.
I drifted off to sleep on accident and woke up with a start.
Heat warmed my skin, making my brow furrow until I remembered where I was and who was with me.
Sometime during the night, he’d lain down and took me with him.
His arm was wrapped around my waist, his breath tickling my hair.
I closed my eyes and soaked in his warmth.
As soon as he woke up, things would be different.
There’s something about darkness allowing people to be who they truly are. Daylight was when the masks returned. I had a hundred things I needed to do. His arms tightened around me and he shifted, bringing me closer against him.
Those things could wait.
Ethan’s posture went stiff an hour or so later. Sadness filled me when his hand left my waist. I sat up and moved away from him, giving him a moment to get his bearings.
He watched me as I busied myself with making a pot of coffee and putting the kettle on. I said nothing as I worked. When I had both drinks in hand, I handed him the coffee and took my London fog latte over to the recliner where I curled up and watched him.
His eyes held regret, and that was worse than anything else.
“Good morning,” I murmured.
“Moira—”
“There’s no need,” I interrupted. “I knew last night this wouldn’t last. Don’t ruin the memory, please.”
His nostrils flared. Ethan reached for the mug. “Thank you.”
I nodded and blew on my tea.
We sat in silence for a while, and my eyes kept drifting to the Lord on my couch. He was already a handsome man, but rumpled Ethan with wrinkled clothes and five-o’clock shadow, and his hands curled around my favorite mug?
That Ethan was devastating.
Desire heated my blood once more, forcing me to squash the emotion down and beat it into submission. I needed to find a boyfriend, a lover—anyone to help me forget this man or at least numb the edges of my feelings toward him.
“Why are you looking at me like that?” Ethan rumbled.
I shrugged. “Just thinking.”
His eyes narrowed. “About?”
“Don’t worry about it.”
Ethan’s fingers tightened around the mug. “Moira—”
“Ethan. Don’t. You did nothing I didn’t expect. Let’s just drop it, okay?”
He blew out a breath. “Fine. Are you going to look for your mother today?”
“Haven’t decided yet.”
“She wasn’t with those other witches. Maybe she’s long gone.”
“Doubtful. Evie attracted a lot of attention with her dealings last year, and I was heavily involved. Mom wouldn’t risk attacking a Keep, but I bet she knows I’m here. She’s biding her time.” Like a snake in the grass waiting for a meal.
“I’ll come with you.”
I smiled at Ethan, knowing it didn’t reach my eyes. Inside I felt weary and a little heartsick. “No. I’m not doing anything today other than scoping out one of her properties. If she isn’t there, I’ll look around town and ask a few questions.”
“I’ll go with you,” he said again.
“No.” I set my mug down. “I think it’s best if we don’t see each other as much.”
Ethan’s jaw set, a ring of gold appearing around his irises. “I disagree.”
It wasn’t even nine in the morning and I was already annoyed. “I enjoy spending time with you.”
“Good. Then let’s do that all the time.”
I gave him an exasperated look. “I deserve to have someone in my life who doesn’t pull away when things get real or intimate. Don’t you think so?”
His exhale was heavy. “I need time.”
I spread my hands out. “Then take it.”
The way he watched me made my heart break a little. “And what will you do?”
“What anyone else would. Live my life.”
“And date?”
“If I did?”
“I don’t want you to,” he growled.
“You can’t have it both ways,” I said gently.
When he opened his mouth, I held up a hand. “I know you aren’t ready. Last night was wonderful, but I knew when we woke up this morning, we’d be right here having a discussion like this. You give a little then take it all away.” I shook my head. “This is my fault, actually.”
Ethan blinked. “Pardon?”
“I should have shut the door on you yesterday. Kept it where we left it.”
The flicker of hurt in his eyes almost made me stop, but he had to hear this.
I had to get the words out. “We were civil and borderline friendly. Now there’s this tension in the air between us.
I can’t stand it.” Tears burned my eyes.
“I don’t deny that I care about you more than I should, and I think you know it, too.
I even suspect you care about me a little, too.
But you’d be lying to yourself if you told me you were ready for more.
I can see it in your eyes, read it in your skin.
Last night, for the first time, I held a tiny sliver of hope in my heart for us, but I woke up this morning, and I knew whatever magic we’d captured would be gone once you woke up. ”
“How could you have known something like that?”
I wasn’t psychic. Nothing of the sort. Women’s intuition was almost like a hive mind, a set of learned experiences genetically encoded into female DNA and passed down to every generation. Sometimes, we just knew. Even if every single clue or happening told us otherwise.
“I wasn’t wrong, was I?”
His jaw tightened. “Have I ever told you how much I dislike how eloquently you communicate?”
I wasn’t sure how to respond. “Thank Evie for that. She always said no one is going to know how you feel about things if you don’t open your mouth and tell them.”
Ethan shook his head. “Sounds like something she’d say.”
“Well, it took her a while to get there.” When Evie and I first met, we circled around each other warily for a long time. It took years to get to know her. Even now, she held her tongue if something didn’t directly impact her, but if it did, get ready to hear an earful.
Ethan finished his coffee. “Once again, you’re right.”
“I’m well aware.”
He smiled, a tinge of sadness in the gesture. “I’ll get out of your hair this morning. Thanks for the tacos.”
Ethan stood and glanced at the couch, lingering on the spot where we laid together. “And the long nap.”
“Take care of yourself.”
He nodded. “Sure you don’t want some company today?”
“I’m a vampire.” I wiggled my fingertips. “With claws and everything. Thanks for the offer, but I’ll be fine.”