Chapter One #2
My mom sucked in a breath through her teeth. “I want to lie to you to make yourself feel better, but if he thought your scent was wrong, or if you never smelled like his mate, he would have never released his scent to you, baby.”
I watched her for a minute. “So you’re saying we don’t actually know if we are mates or not?” She shook her head slowly. “You are saying there is a tiny fucking chance that I am mated to Rowan? Who’s engaged to a witch?”
“Amy!” my mom admonished me, but I waved my hands.
“I’m not calling her a name mom, she’s an actual witch.” I closed my eyes. “Please tell me you are wrong.”
My mom sighed. “I wish I could, baby. But I won’t lie to you. There is a chance, but maybe you were both right the first time around. Why is it bothering you so much?”
I opened my mouth to answer, but I couldn’t answer. My eyes danced back and forth, but I just raised my shoulder.
You know the answer, Amy. Just be honest with yourself. Nix nudged me.
Just sit with it for a minute and allow yourself to think about how you feel. Megan offered.
I sighed and closed my eyes tight as I sat with it.
The waves of everything coming at me on all sides.
I felt like I was drowning. “I feel like I can barely keep my head above the water right now. I’m struggling with the weight of it all and I am trying to be upbeat and act like I have it all under control, but I don’t.
Everything with Rowan nearly killed me.” I felt myself crumple as I dropped my head back into my hands and my shoulders shook.
“Baby.” My mom tried to comfort me, but I held up my hand.
“I think I need to say it all.” I sat back.
“It took me a long time to understand what he was doing, and why. But it nearly killed me. And I’ve just gotten back on my feet only to realize that I have feelings for my friend.
I am trying to save families, kids, and friends.
I am trying to take down Vince, Brandon, and the brotherhood.
And now…” I shook my head. “Now I have to figure out everything AND this.” I looked up at my mom. “I…”
“What is it?”
I want to be truthful, if only to myself. “I’m terrified.”
My mom squeezed my hand. “Why?”
“Because. What if he’s my mate?”
She smiled. “Then he’s your mate.” It was just that simple to her.
I shook my head. “He’s my mate that’s ripped my heart out, even if he was protecting me. He’s the man I can’t even look at because he is with her.”
“All that won’t matter, baby.” She grabbed my hand.
I sighed. “But what if he is my mate and I can’t forgive him?” I looked at her. “What if the peace I feel now towards him is just something I made up in my mind and as soon as I see him again, all the pain and hurt I felt comes rushing back?” I wiped away a tear.
“Baby, I’m telling you, it won’t matter.”
I wanted to yell at her. “You aren’t understanding me.”
She shook her head. “You aren’t understanding me.” She countered, and I growled, which she just laughed at.
“What if I can’t love him, mom?” My stomach was this ball of panic. It rolled, and I wanted to puke.
“What?” She laughed.
“That’s my fear. What if he is my Goddess-given mate, and after everything we did to each other? After all the pain, and hurt, and bullshit, all I am going to feel towards him is anger, or hatred…or nothing.”
My mom grabbed my face. “Being someone’s mate isn’t easy. But you are overthinking it. Do you remember when you found out Brandon was your mate in your last life?”
“Yes, why?”
“I need you to really think about it. You hated Brandon. Your entire childhood, throughout school, yet you mated him.” She looked at me. “Why do you think that is?”
“At the time? Because I knew I was meant to be with him and nothing mattered before we were mated, only after.”
She nodded. “Exactly.” She poked me. “All this bull won’t matter. As the Goddess tells us, what happened before the mate bond snaps in place fades away, because we are beholden to no one until our mate.” She kissed me. “You’re overthinking again.”
I just sighed. She was right. “Fine. You’re right.” I shut my laptop and stretched my neck. “What time is it, anyway?”
“Way past your bedtime.” She looked at the clock. “You have three hours to sleep before you have to go to work.” I groaned.
“I’m not going in tomorrow. I’m going to call in.”
“What. Why?” My mom stood and grabbed my laptop and slid it on to my dresser.
“Because.” I groaned as I stood. “I have to go to the university to grab something.” I stretched out my back from hunching over the laptop and rubbed my neck.
“What do you have to grab?” My mom was heading to the cabin, and I grabbed my laptop to follow. I turned off the lights and sealed the door behind me, so even if someone found a way into my house, they couldn’t follow us to the cabin.
“Apparently letters.”
My mom turned to look back at me from my door. “Letters? From who?”
I lifted my shoulder. “Rowan…I think.” My mom lifted her brow, but I shrugged. “Thoth said something about the letters, and daddy said he decided for me.” I sighed as I slid into my bed. “I guess I’ll find out tomorrow.” I pulled my phone out and messaged Rick.
Amy- Hey, I’m not feeling the greatest, and I have to run back to the university. I won’t be coming in this morning.
Then I plugged my laptop in and my cell phone. My mom, ever the mom, came and kissed me goodnight. Then I was already drifting to sleep as she shut the door.
I felt like I had just closed my eyes when my alarm went off. I groaned as I rolled over and shut it off. “Seriously?” I slammed my head against the pillow as I saw the light on my phone. I cracked an eye as I clicked on the notification. Three texts.
I sighed as I heard everyone down stairs already moving. “Fuck.” I clicked the first message.
Rick- Take your time, but since you have them, once you are free, continue with the box of doom. I need all those notes organized. Thanks.
I couldn’t even take a day off. I wanted to roll over and go back to sleep, but I knew I couldn’t. I groaned as I noticed the next text. Brandon was next.
Brandon- Good morning, baby. I can’t wait to see you today. I’ll meet you at your office and we can have breakfast together.
Fuck that. Just another reason to stay home. I deleted that message before I stretched, then I got out of the bed. I walked to the bathroom as I clicked on the last message. That was from a number I didn’t recognize. I clicked on it as I stripped, and I turned on the water.
Unknown- Amy, I know you are probably spiraling about everything that we discussed last night.
I furrowed my brow and then realized once my brain kicked in that the number was obviously Thoth. I could see that he had a countdown in the corner, like Rick did when he sent me a message that deleted itself.
Oh crap.
Thoth- I need you to know that you don’t have to. Whatever happens, or whatever is decided. I will always be your friend. I will always be in your life.
The message disappeared right as I finished it.
But a new one came through right as I was about to put it down.
Thoth- But I’m going to be frank, read the letters. I hope you’ll understand my frustration.
Then that message was gone too. I sighed as I tossed my phone onto the counter, and then I stepped into the shower. Hopefully, it would wake me up. I washed up and stepped out to find Carly waiting for me on the end of my bed. Her little pigtails were lopsided, and she smiled when I walked in.
“Good morning!” She ran to me and hugged me. “I’ve missed you.”
“I’ve missed you too, baby girl.” I hugged her close. “I have to go for a run, but when I get back, do you want to help me?”
She looked up at me with wide eyes. “With what?”
“Paperwork.” I frowned. “But I’d rather do it with you and spend time with you. You don’t even have to help. You can color or something.”
Carly jumped up and down. “No, I want to help.” She squealed.
“It’s just a box of papers, Car.” I laughed as she did a little dance.
“Yeah, but I get to spend time with you. And I know you won’t tell me anything about why you were gone, but I saw.” The words hit me like a sledgehammer. “I saw you in the jail cell. You were hurt and cold, but you were strong.” She came over to me, this little girl.
Her words caught me by surprise. Not because they were true, but because she felt they were.
“Oh, baby.” I cupped her face. “Just because you are a Shaman, and you see more than you should, doesn’t mean I have to add any more on to ruin your childhood.
You are a kid, and I want you to stay that way until you are older. ”
She pouted. “But why?”
I crouched down so I could be level with her.
“Being old isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
We have bills and responsibilities. But most of all, we worry.
We worry about what’s going to happen, what our actions will do, and what we can’t help.
That’s not fun.” I tugged on her pigtails.
“I want you to be a kid. When all of this is over, you’re going to be going to school with the other kids.
You’ll get to play, and just grow up at your own pace. Don’t rush it, okay?”
She watched me for a minute and then nodded. “Okay.”
I smiled and kissed her head. “Good.” I stood up and walked out of the room. Carly caught up to me and slipped her tiny hand into mine, and we ended up walking down the stairs with each other. “Okay, I’ll be back in a little while and then we will get started on the box of paperwork.”
“Are you looking for something?” Her voice was soft, but eager.
“I don’t honestly know. Maybe?” I chuckled as she looked at me with her tiny pinched brows. “I guess we will find out together.” I winked at her and then stopped in to see Toya and Wendy. “Hey.”
“Hey.” Toya smiled as she washed the dishes. “How are you feeling?”
“Yeah, your mom caught us up.” Wendy came over and rubbed my back. “It’s a lot.”
I huffed out a breath. “Yeah.” I shook my head. “But I have bigger things to focus on.” I leaned in to Wendy. “Today when I come back, I have to work on paperwork, and Carly is going to help. But when she goes to bed, I want to talk about the plan.”
“Plan?” Toya perked up. “Are we moving on soon?”
I nodded. “We are.” I sighed. “But I want to talk to my dad first.”
Wendy nodded. “Makes sense.” She turned away, but then looked at me over my shoulder. “Where are you going?”
“Back to the apartment building.” I walked to the door. “My father…he used magic to keep stuff from me. Said it was for the best.”
Toya scoffed. “All dads think they know best, but mostly they are just too afraid of their kids growing up.”
I rolled my eyes. “That sounds…exactly right.” I huffed out another laugh and then I headed to the back door. “I’m just going to run there and back.” My two friends nodded. “Tell my mom when she comes down to where I went.”
Toya smirked. “She’s been up. She’s outside right now, texting your father.” Toya wiggled her eyes brows, and I wanted to vomit.
“Gross.” My best friends laughed as I walked outside to see my mother in shorts and a t-shirt with her phone in her hands. She looked like any normal twenty something year old woman, and not the fifty something she actually was. A smirk hit her lips, and I grimaced. “Mom, ew.”
Her head snapped up, and she blushed as she slid her phone on to the picnic table. “Baby. I didn’t hear you.” The tips of her ears turned pink as she looked away.
I laughed. “Do you hear yourself? You are a wolf who didn’t hear me coming. Tell daddy I said hi.” I shook my head as I looked down at her.
Her ears turned a brighter red. “Oh shush. He just said something…funny.” She couldn’t even meet my eyes.
I held up my hand. “I can honestly say, I do not want to know.” She laughed as I pushed away from her. Her face was alight in a way I hadn’t seen in years. “You look happy.” Her face stilled for a moment.
Then she smiled bigger than before. “I am happy.” She looked down at the table and touched her phone.
“Soon I’ll be able to see my mate again.
And we can get back to the life the Goddess has given to us.
” She sat back, then looked at me. “I spent so many years hurt and angry that he betrayed us. But sitting here knowing that it was me who actually betrayed him, and he is still willing to accept me puts things into perspective a bit.”
“What do you mean?”
“I will never say stay in an abusive or hurtful relationship, but I will say this. Forgiveness, whether it is for the other person, or just for yourself, is more important than holding on to the pain and anger.” Her eyes were soft.
“Even if you never mate with Rowan, forgiving him…and yourself costs nothing and will save you so much wasted time.” I stared at her for a minute before I nodded and left.