Chapter 10 #2
“Exactly why I’m asking questions,” Ethan said. “You don’t need more of them in your life.”
Emily made a noise somewhere between a laugh and a sigh. “He’s just worried, Jos.”
“I know,” I said, more subdued. “Thanks, guys.”
Ethan’s voice came through, gruff but softer now. “Be careful, Jos.”
I hesitated, that tiny pause where affection hides behind annoyance. “Always am.”
“Ok, my love,” Emily said to Ethan, “now you skedaddle, it’s girl-talk time.” I heard a soft chuckle from him, and then Emily said to me, “You’re not getting off that easy. Six weeks and that’s all you’ve got? I don’t think so.”
I paused, biting my lip against the urge to spill everything.
“Ok, yes.” I admitted, “There’s a guy,” I said slowly.
Emily gasped, triumph in every syllable when she exclaimed, “I knew it!”
“It’s complicated,” I repeated, clutching at the phrase like a lifeline.
“Of course it is. The only uncomplicated thing in your life is microwave mac and cheese,” she shot back.
A shiver coursed down my spine at the memory of Aiden, his gaze locked onto mine, as if they held every unspoken thought and feeling.
“Was it intense? It must have been intense.” Emily’s voice broke through my reverie.
“It was… something,” I replied, struggling to contain the emotions.
“That’s code for extremely intense,” Emily said instinctively, pouncing on the crack she sensed in my composure.
There was no escaping her perceptive reach. She would poke and prod until she unearthed the exact reaction she suspected I was sheltering.
“How did it feel?” she finally asked.
I faltered, words catching on my tongue.
I thought of Aiden, his proximity, the spark in his gaze.
Our night together replayed in fragments: the soft hum of his voice, the warmth of him at my side, our laughter mingling in the space between us.
Nothing about him fit, yet… nothing about him felt out of place when we were alone.
I recalled how his eyes had softened when he looked at me, how his hand had hovered at my lower back like an unasked question.
I remembered wanting to lean into him, but I’d stopped myself at the last moment.
I was angry at myself for not having better words for it.
It felt like stumbling upon a rare and beautiful creature and fumbling for a camera.
“Weird,” I said finally, wincing at the poverty of the description.
Emily, predictably, pounced. “Weird, sure. Like, did he try to eat your face in the middle of dinner, or are we talking weird like actual chemistry? Because I can tell you’re holding back.”
Her persistence was both infuriating and comforting, a testament to how well she knew me and how unwilling she was to accept anything less than full disclosure.
“It was different,” I admitted, my voice softer now.
“Like, I don’t even know if I liked him, but then five minutes later I was thinking about what it would be like to just…
” My voice trailed off. I didn’t want to say it out loud.
“Just be… close to him,” I finished, finally, the words small and almost embarrassed.
“Wow,” Emily exhaled. A low whistle escaped her lips.
Emily didn’t laugh or seize the chance to tease. She waited, a silence stretching between us, offering me the opportunity to fill in the blanks.
“Yes, that’s accurate,” I admitted, my voice barely audible. “It’s not like before. With him, it’s like, there’s this thing I can’t explain. I want to run away and also…” Heat crept up my cheeks as I trailed off. “I want to see him again. Is that nuts?”
The sharp intake of Emily’s breath hissed through the receiver. “It’s not nuts, Josie. It’s called being human and having feelings.” Her voice held a hint of exasperation but also a smile. “But if you really feel that way, maybe you should let yourself see what happens.”
I thought of how Aiden had looked at me tonight, not with expectation, but with a kind of gentle awe, like he was as surprised as I was by how easily the conversation moved, how our hands almost but never quite touched.
“I don’t know if I trust him,” I admitted. “I’m not sure I even trust myself around him. But I… I want to.”
“Who is he?” She asked. I could imagine her tilting her head slightly, her eyes narrowing with curiosity.
“Just one of the odd customers from Wall Street who frequents Neon,” I replied, recalling Aiden’s sharp suit and bold demeanor.
“So he is the annoying customer you mentioned before,” Emily said with a knowing tone.
“You could say that,” I muttered under my breath.
“So, what happened?” She was relentless.
“Nothing happened,” I confirmed. “Nothing can happen, and you know it.” No matter how much I wanted it.
“Josie, don’t be afraid.” She reassured me. “You don’t have to decide anything right now,” she said, “but you do have to stop pretending you don’t feel it.”
I huffed out a laugh, a shaky, self-deprecating sound. “You know me too damn well.”
“That’s the point,” Emily replied, her tone warm and playful. “Besides, it won’t be like last time.”
“How do you know, Ems?” I questioned, struggling against the tidal wave of emotions.
“The last time I felt something this intense for someone, I woke up sore and bruised in the woods. And some weeks later, I discovered Mateo was on his way.” The words poured out.
“I cannot afford something like that to have a repeat.”
“It’s been twelve years. You’re not the same girl living on a farm,” Emily said gently. “And maybe he’s not…” Her words trailed off.
“I can’t risk it.” I cut in, the fear sharp and reflexive.
Memories clawed their way through, snapping at the present with ghostly bites. A sudden rush of memories flooded in. I was there again, a seventeen-year-old, swept into a world that was both thrilling and terrifying for someone as sheltered as I used to be.
The memory pulled me deep into the woods, a bonfire party flickering to life, the air thick with the heady mix of smoke and alcohol.
Strangers were everywhere, their faces half-hidden in the glow of the flames, laughter and loud music twisting the air into a wild symphony that hinted at untamed possibilities.
I saw myself there, caught in the thrill of the night.
Everything felt electric and immediate, each moment sharp with intensity.
I was drawn to Kyle, who stood across the illuminated area.
His presence cut through the chaos like an intoxicating pull that was impossible to resist. I remembered being drawn towards him like being caught in a current too strong to escape.
Kyle’s words were a blur, but their lure rang clear. Seductive, daring, they whispered to me in the haze, inviting, challenging, coaxing. He had dared me to meet him in the dark, and I had followed every step deeper into the shadows of the unknown.
Everything that happened after felt like a nightmare, surreal and inescapable. I remembered waking up under the vast sky where stars flickered like shards of broken glass against obsidian.
Disoriented and aching, I felt the enormity of the night crash down upon me. My underwear was shredded; remnants clung to me like accusations. Confusion and fear settled in, a thick fog that blurred the edges of everything but the certainty of Kyle’s betrayal.
The world seemed to tilt and spin, a carnival ride gone wrong in the middle of the forest. I could still see the party dwindling in the distance, twin pinpricks of red glowing through the woods. I shivered and wrapped my arms around myself.
“Josie?” Emily’s worried voice had cut through the silent night. She had appeared between the trees, shadowed and anxious. “Oh God, there you are! We’ve been looking everywhere.”
“Hey, Jos! Where did you run to?” Ethan had chimed, walking behind Emily.
“I’m fine,” I had whispered, though my words had felt unconvincing to my own ears. I had felt anything but fine.
“Where’s your jacket?” Emily had asked, noticing my disheveled state: hair wild and loose, shoes caked with mud.
“What happened? I saw you leave with that guy…” Ethan’s voice had been cut short when he took in my appearance.
“I couldn’t find it,” I had murmured.
“Did he…” Ethan had begun, his voice cutting through the haze with a protective edge that was uncharacteristic of his usual laid-back nature.
At that moment, Emily had taken his hoodie and wrapped it around my shoulders, the soft fabric enveloping me like a cocoon of warmth and solace amidst the chaos.
“Nothing happened,” I had interrupted sharply, then added in a softer tone, “I just wanted some space.”
Emily hesitated, her eyes searching mine for some silent affirmation that my resolve wasn’t just a product of the cold, shock, or moonlight. Her gaze softened, perhaps it was the tremor in my voice, or the way I clutched her hoodie like a lifeline.
Whatever she’d been contemplating behind her worried expression ceased, and she closed the remaining space between us.
Tentatively, she drew me in closer and pressed her cheek to mine.
Her warmth was a beacon, steady and impossible to ignore, and in that moment, I realized how much I’d yearned to be found, how desperately I needed someone to witness the chaos I’d become.
We stood in silence, the cool autumn air nipping at our bare legs. Emily understood better than anyone that words would only scrape the rawness wider. Her presence alone anchored me to reality.
Eventually, Emily and Ethan guided me along a deer trail he’d carved out from countless afternoons of skipping chores and scrounging secrets from the forest. Each step away from the clearing felt like peeling myself from a nightmare.
I remember thinking that if I could just get home, if I could just make it to my own bed and hide until morning, maybe everything would dissolve into a bad dream.
But life doesn’t purge itself so clean.