Chapter One Hundred Thirty-Three
Xavier
That Night
The porch light is on. I stand there longer than I should, staring at the door like it’s going to make this easier. It doesn’t. So I knock once and step back.
The lock clicks before the door opens halfway. Ruby stands there with one hand wrapped around the handle like she hasn’t decided if she’s letting me in or shutting me out.
Her eyes meet mine. Steady. Guarded. Tired. “You shouldn’t be here.”
“I know.” I don’t move closer. “I need to say something.”
Her expression tightens. “Xavier–”
“I’m not here to argue. Or push. Or try to talk you out of being mad at me.” That stops her. “You were right to push me away. I never gave you anything solid to stand on. No labels. No certainty. Nothing that told the rest of the world you were mine in a way that mattered.”
Her fingers tighten around the door.
“I kept telling myself I was being honest that I didn’t do relationships. That I wasn’t making promises I couldn’t keep.” A humorless laugh escapes me. “What I was doing was keeping one foot out the door.”
Pain crosses her face. I put that there, and somehow, I’ve got to fix it.
“I gave you every reason to think you mattered less to me than you did.” I swallow. “Lindsey didn’t make you doubt me. I did. I spent so much time pretending this wasn’t real that when it mattered, you had no reason to believe otherwise.”
Ruby looks down at the porch boards.
“There’s something about Lindsey I never told you.”
Her eyes come back to mine.
“We met at Callahan’s a couple years ago. We hooked up that night.”
I wait for a reaction. I don’t get one.
“She called me the next week. We went out once. After that, I told her I wasn’t interested in anything more.”
“Xavier–”
“I need you to know what happened.”
“Why?”
The question catches me off guard. “Because of everything she did.”
“What Lindsey did has nothing to do with who you slept with before me.”
“I know.”
“Do you?” She folds her arms loosely over her chest. “Because you’re looking at me like you think you owe me an apology for having a past.”
“I don’t.”
“Good. Because I had one too.”
“That’s not what I’m trying to explain.” I drag a hand over the back of my neck. “She moved to Brookhaven sometime after that. Then I started running into her around town. Sometimes places I was pretty damn sure weren’t accidents.”
Ruby’s expression changes.
“She’d ask if I’d changed my mind. Try to get me to go home with her. I told her no.”
“More than once?”
“A lot more than once.”
“And nothing else ever happened between you?”
“No. We hooked up once. Went out once. That was it.”
She studies me for a second. “Okay.”
“Okay?”
“What do you want me to say?”
“I don’t know.”
“That I’m jealous you slept with someone two years before we were together?” She shakes her head. “I’m not.”
“Ruby–”
“Your past isn’t what hurt me, Xavier.”
That shuts me up.
“I don’t care that there were women before me. I don’t need names or explanations. And you don’t owe me an apology for any of them.”
“There was never anyone I wanted more from.”
Her eyes meet mine. “Until me?”
“Until you.”
Something shifts in her expression, but she doesn’t look away.
“That’s the part that hurt,” she says quietly. “You wanted more with me, but you kept telling me we couldn’t have it.”
My chest tightens. “I know.”
“You kept calling it casual. No expectations. No promises.” She pauses. “So when it mattered, what was I supposed to believe?”
Fuck.
“What I showed you.” I shake my head. “Except I made damn sure my words gave you a reason to question that too.”
“Yeah.”
I take a step back instead of forward, even though every part of me wants to close the distance between us.
“I can’t change that.”
“No.”
“But I can stop doing it.”
Ruby watches me for a long moment. “Words aren’t going to fix this.”
“I know.”
“If you’re in, you’re in. I won’t do halfway with you again.”
“I’m in.” There’s no hesitation this time. She’s what I want, and if I have to spend the rest of my life proving it, I will.
Her eyes stay on mine. “Then prove it.”
“I will.”