Chapter One Hundred Forty-Six
Xavier
‘I love you.’ Everything inside me stops. The room. My heartbeat. My next breath. For one impossible second, I honestly think I imagined it.
I’ve heard those words a thousand times in my head over the last few weeks, usually right before I woke up, usually right before I remembered what I’d done.
Ruby loves me. My throat locks so hard it hurts.
She takes a hesitant step toward me. “I mean it. I’m sorry I made it seem like you had to earn that from me when it wasn’t you that caused everything to happen.”
God. She’s looking at me like she’s afraid I won’t believe her. The irony almost makes me laugh. She’s loved me all this time. And I’ve spent weeks trying to figure out how to convince her I loved her even when I was acting like an ass.
I open my mouth. Nothing comes out. Jesus Christ. Pull yourself together. Instead, my eyes burn. I blink hard once. Twice. Doesn’t help.
Ruby’s expression softens with understanding. “I’ve loved you for a long time. I barely even remember life when I didn’t love you.”
Something inside my chest gives. Not loud. Not dramatic. Just... gone. The wall I’ve been hiding behind for years isn’t there anymore.
I let out a shaky breath that sounds suspiciously close to a laugh. “I....” My voice catches. I shake my head once, trying again. “You have no idea....” Another breath. “I thought I lost you.”
Her eyes shine. “You didn’t.”
“I did.” The words scrape on the way out. “I lost you every time I said we were casual. That I didn’t want anyone else to know about us. I knew it was bullshit, but before I could tell you how I felt, I’d already screwed it up.” I drag both hands over my face. “I kept thinking....”
God. How do I explain this without sounding insane?
“I figured if I kept showing up...” I laugh. “Maybe someday you’d believe in me.”
She doesn't interrupt. She waits. The way she always does when something matters.
“I need you to understand something.” My voice drops lower. “I wasn’t scared of being in a relationship with you.” She tilts her head. “I was scared of ruining it.”
I swallow hard. “When my mom left....” Even now the words feel strange. “I didn’t even have a driver’s license yet.” I stare past Ruby. “I remember everybody telling me it wasn’t my fault.” A humorless smile tugs at my mouth. “But she packed a suitcase.” I shrug once. “And then she was just....”
Gone. I can’t say the word without choking on it, so I leave it in the air. What fucking parent leaves their child and never comes back?
“She didn’t just leave my dad.” My eyes meet Ruby’s again. “She left me.”
She bites her bottom lip but doesn’t say anything, as if she understands I need to get everything out so we can move forward.
I drag my hand through my hair. “I kept wondering what I could’ve done differently. What would’ve made her stay? What would’ve made me enough? I never figured it out.”
“I know this isn’t my fault, but I’m sorry you went through that.” Ruby places her hand on my chest above my heart. “You didn’t do anything wrong. You were a kid. None of that had anything to do with you and everything to do with your mother.”
“I know that now.” I squeeze her hand in mine.
She’d never do something like that to her child. Our child. I don’t question that for one second, and I never did. Ruby is the most sincere and loyal person I’ve ever known. She’d move heaven and earth for the people she cared about.
I take a steady breath, relieved that explaining everything to her is easier than I expected.
“A couple of months later, my girlfriend cheated on me. She came up to me in between second and third period and said I wasn’t the same anymore. I was too depressing to be around. She’s already found someone else.”
Ruby's eyes fill.
“I started believing maybe I was just....” The common denominator. “The guy people eventually leave. So I made sure I never gave anyone else the chance.”
The words hang in the room. Ugly. Embarrassing. True.
“When you came along....” A laugh slips out. “I never stood a chance. For years, I kept you at a distance. Never flirting with you. Keeping you in the friend zone so I wouldn’t cross a line.”
She smiles through her tears. “And then, you screwed that up.”
“I couldn’t help it. You looked so lost trying to figure out which color of white paint to get.”
“I wasn’t lost.” She cocks her head sideways, giving me that smile I can’t live without. “I knew what I was doing.”
“Of course you did.” I rub my thumb along the back of her hand as I wrap my free arm around her waist, pulling her closer. “I tried telling myself you were just fun. Temporary. Somebody I liked spending time with. I kept making rules.”
“Those rules sucked, by the way.”
“Yeah, I know. But I thought if I never crossed that line...” I gesture helplessly between us. “...then I couldn’t lose you.”
“Xavier–”
“Let me finish.” Another rough breath leaves me. “The problem was I’d already fallen in love with you. Long before admitting it to myself. Before the hardware store. Before the kitchen. Before the baby. But I didn’t think I was somebody worth staying for.”
Ruby cups my face in both hands. Warm. Steady. Her thumbs brush lightly beneath my eyes, catching a tear before it streaks down my cheek. “I’m still here.”
Three words. That’s all it takes. Every lie I’ve spent years telling myself… that people always leave, that love always ends, that I was never enough, starts cracking apart.
“I pushed you away,” I whisper.
“And I’m still here.”
My eyes close. Not because I’m trying to hide. Because I physically can’t hold her gaze another second without losing it.
A laugh catches in my throat. Half relief. Half disbelief.
When I open my eyes, I wrap my arms around her waist, pulling her to me until there’s no beginning and ending between us. “I love you, Ruby.” No walls. No jokes. No place left to hide. “I love you so damn much.”
“I love you, Xavier.” She wraps her arms around my neck. “I might not have avoided relationships to the extent you did, but I felt the same way. I didn’t think anyone would choose me. I didn’t think you’d ever choose me.”
“I’m sorry.” I shake my head. “I caused us to waste so much time.”
“Don’t. We’re together now. No more regrets.” Her expression turns serious. “Promise me, no more regrets.”
“I promise.” And that’s the easiest promise I’ve ever made. I have Ruby in my arms. She loves me. And we’re having a baby.
“When I found out you were pregnant.…” My voice breaks as I blink back the sting in my eyes. “I should've been terrified. I mean, I was, but not because I didn’t want to have a baby with you. I was scared that you’d lose the baby over everything with Lindsey.”
“You heard the doctor today.” Ruby tips out her chin. “We’re not going to lose our baby.”
“No, we’re not going to lose our baby.”
The words settle between us. No hesitation. No fear. Just a promise to the universe.
“So....” A smile tugs at the corner of her mouth. “Were those tears I saw a moment ago?”
“I have allergies.”
She lets out the most beautiful laugh I’ve ever heard. “Inside?”
“Very aggressive allergies.”
“In December?”
“Yes. It’s a pine allergy.” I run my nose along her jawline, inhaling her scent, letting it push away the pain of almost losing her.
“I don’t have a Christmas tree up yet.”
“You will, and my allergies will kick in.” I bury my face in her neck and close my eyes. I was so close to never having this moment with her. I’ll never take it for granted.
She shakes her head. “You’re terrible at this.”
Relief breaks through me so hard I smile. “I know.”
Before I can say another word, she grabs the front of my shirt and kisses me. Everything else disappears. The fear. The guilt. The weeks apart.
I run my hands up and down her back, pulling her tighter, drinking her in. Not because I’m afraid she’ll leave.
But because she’s here, and she’s choosing me.