Chapter Eight
Sophie
There's something to be said for lying in the dark, staring at nothing.
If you do it for long enough, it's almost like it swallows you, and the rest of the world ceases to exist. Unfortunately, the dark doesn't steal my thoughts in quite the same way.
It doesn't steal my tears or the ache in my chest, either.
Those refuse to relent. I'm afraid—terrified, really—that I fucked everything up this morning. And I don't know what to do about it.
I've spent my life in motion, still only when there was a reason for it, some higher purpose, like evoking a reaction from the crowd or preparing for the next set of perfectly executed steps. This isn't that. I'm frozen, my mind and heart at war.
They both want Harlan with a clarity that's stunning, but one says I'm just going to break us both—that I've already started doing it. The other screams at me not to be stupid.
How do you learn to trust that you're already good enough when you've spent a lifetime being told that you aren't?
How do you fall into someone when you're only just realizing that, after sacrificing for a lifetime, you'd tear it all down just to keep feeling the way he makes you feel?
I never wanted this before him. My future was all mapped out.
I knew who I was, what I wanted, and where I was going.
I knew what I was willing to sacrifice to have it, too.
And maybe I'm just stubborn enough to be a little bit mad that he stomped in and flipped everything upside down. That wasn't supposed to happen.
Except…it did.
He changed everything. He changed me.
And I don't know how I'm supposed to keep being the person I've always been now that he forged himself into my bones. I don't know how to be anything else, either.
Someone knocks on my door, and my heart leaps with hope.
I want it to be him, so I can say everything I didn't say this morning—that I'm sorry, and that he's the last person I want to hurt.
That my eyes hurt because I haven't stopped crying over him.
And that the worst possible thing I can think of is letting him walk out of my life.
"I know you're in there, Soph," Sidney's muffled voice calls through the door. "Open up."
I think about ignoring him and letting the dark swallow me again. But I know my brother. He's even more stubborn than I am. He won't go away. He'll just take the damn door off the hinges if I don't answer.
I throw the covers back and stumble from the bed, cracking the door open. "What do you want?"
His gaze flits across my face, his expression somber before he nudges it all the way open, his big body making it impossible for me to keep it closed.
That's the thing about giants. Even when they're gentle like Sidney, they just bully their way through whatever stands in their way, like problems don't exist so long as their stupid shoulders are broad enough.
"I didn't invite you in," I grumble, crossing my arms to glare at him.
"Didn't ask to be invited in," he grunts, stomping in with a tray in his hands. He holds it out to me.
"What's this?"
"Harlan said you hadn't eaten today."
My gaze flies from the tray to my brother's face. "What?"
"He's worried about you."
That's all it takes to set me off—this tiny little bit of proof that Harlan is still thinking about me, that he still cares. I hurt him, but he's still trying to take care of me.
A miserable sound explodes from my throat, tears pouring down my face.
"Shit," Sidney growls, dropping the tray onto the table in the corner of the room before yanking me up against his chest. "It's okay, Soph. It's okay."
"It's not," I sob into his throat, my body shaking. "It's r-really not."
Sidney rubs my back, not saying anything while I purge myself—again—of a lifetime of tears. I don't know how long I cry. It feels like forever.
"You done?" he finally asks.
"Maybe."
His lips curve into a grin. "You want me to be nice and comforting, or do you want me to tell you what you need to hear, baby sister?"
"Is there a third option where you just go away?"
"Not a chance," he growls.
"Fine," I sigh. I didn't really think that was going to work anyway. "Say whatever it is you want to say."
"I'm not saying it because I want to say it," he murmurs, his expression soft.
"I'm saying it because you need to hear it.
" He pauses like he's gathering his thoughts.
"You've spent your whole life getting what you want because you never back down until it's yours.
You fight harder than anyone I've ever met.
You're louder, stronger, and braver than anyone I know. You're meaner, too."
"Asshole," I mutter without heat.
"But when it matters the most, you always stand in your own way, Soph," he continues, letting the insult roll off his back.
"You pretend that all the shit people say about and to you doesn't bother you, but you're a goddamn liar.
You absorb it all, and it's fucked with your head so much that you don't trust yourself anymore. "
For the record, I really hate it when either of my brothers is right. It's annoying as hell.
"There are worse things you could do than fall in love with Harlan Ward.
Running because you don't trust yourself is one of those things," he murmurs.
"You glow with him in a way you don't even glow on stage.
He makes you happy. So do yourself a favor just this once.
Forget all the bullshit, pretend you aren't terrified right now, and get the hell out of your own way before you fuck up the one thing you can't afford to fuck up. "
"I don't know how," I whisper.
"Yeah, you do." He grins at me. "You do it the same damn way you do everything else in your life, baby sister. You march out of here, guns blazing, and you don't take any prisoners."
He makes it sound so easy.
"We live half a continent away," I remind him. "He spends half the year on the road. I spend it in rehearsal or on stage."
"You think everyone who has ever fallen in love with a professional athlete hasn't stood right where you are right now?
" he asks, one brow arched. "That's the sacrifice you make to do what we do, baby sister.
You know that, better than anyone. But we figure it out and make it work because no game or performance will keep you warm at night.
And they won't ever look at you the way that man has looked at you all weekend. "
I glance up at him, startled. "You see the way he looks at me?"
"Everyone sees it, Soph." He snorts. "You think he'd put on a goddamn leotard and tutu for just anyone? Hell no. He did it for you, because there's nothing he won't do for you. You gotta decide how much you're willing to sacrifice for him, too."
"I…" I trail off with a nod.
"You good now?"
"Yes." I cock my head to the side, studying his face. "You're pretty good at this, Sid. I mean, you're still an idiot, but I'm glad you fell for Hattie because it made you less of one."
He just grins at me before dropping a kiss to my forehead. "Eat your lunch so I can tell your man that he can stop pacing a goddamn hole in the floor, will you?"
"I will," I promise, squeezing him hard. "Thank you. I mean that. Thank you, Sid. I don't say it nearly enough, but you and Austin are the best brothers I could have asked for, you really are."
He just pats me on the back, as if to say that he knows.
My heart is in my throat, and I'm not entirely sure it's beating when I stop outside of Harlan's door on the third floor. I'm not even sure he's inside. Well, that's a lie. I know he's in there because I feel him, the same way I always do when he's close.
But I'm nervous as hell that he'll close the door in my face. I can't say I'll blame him if he does. It's what I deserve.
I knock anyway.
And then I hold my breath as I hear him moving around inside.
He doesn't open the door so much as damn near rip it off the hinges. And for the first time in hours, our eyes lock. His are my favorite shade of dark denim, boring into me like he never wants to look away.
"Hi," I whisper, my voice shaking. "Um…can we talk?"
He holds the door open without a word, stepping aside for me to enter.
His heat sears into me as I duck under his arm, keeping my gaze carefully away from the bed, just so I don't remember the way he fucked me all over it last night after dinner.
The door closes behind him. We stand in silence for a moment, just staring at each other. He's so damn beautiful, it hurts to look at him. It hurts not to be in his arms right now, too.
I don't know where to start, so I just…do.
"You were right this morning," I blurt. "I was running."
"I know."
"I wasn't even thinking any of what I said until I started dancing," I whisper, clenching my hands together. "And then I saw the way you were watching me." I lick my lips, my heart pounding against my ribcage. "No one watches me like you do, Harlan."
"How's that?"
"Like you see me," I say. "Like you can't see anything but me.
" My hands shake even though they're clenched so tightly my nails score my palms. "I've never been enough until you.
You make me feel like maybe I finally am.
I don't know what to do about that." Tears well in my eyes, burning. "I don't want to break you or me."
He's silent for a heart-stopping moment and then takes a step toward me, his expression softening just enough to give me hope. He gives me even more when he reaches for my hands, gently untangling my fingers.