Chapter 21
twenty-one
QUINN
My phone sounds with a text notification from where I left it on the nightstand in my room, but I finish brushing my teeth before picking it up, seeing a text from Declan.
Declan
Sorry we didn’t get to talk today.
After we finished talking this morning, Declan and Ava left so she could get settled in, and the rest of us hung around, talking more about Mom and this ridiculous custody case. It was far too convenient, with Max over at his friend's house, for us to pass up the opportunity to talk more about everything.
I also won’t lie. I’m nervous knowing my mother is in the area.
Since the PI handed me that envelope a few years ago, I’ve been haunted by so many thoughts. How can Caleb and my dad look at me and not think of her? I left them behind, just like she did.
I can’t figure out why they both went out of their way for me. I know family is important to them, but sharing blood doesn’t always mean you deserve to be treated as such. Just look at my mother. She may have given birth to me, but the second she left us, she lost all right to call herself family.
Regardless, Dad and Caleb were always making sure I knew I was part of their lives. And I know it went both ways. I never let a week go by without talking to them, either. But was that enough? How much time had I missed with my dad by avoiding being here all these years? And why was I so afraid of being here?
Ashford Falls is an amazing town. The people are always so friendly and welcoming. Yes, they push themselves into your life, but is that such a bad thing? Knowing you have an entire town behind you and supporting you if you need them? I know if I asked anyone around me for help, they would be there in a heartbeat, helping to make sure Max gets to school or taking Dad to an appointment—anything we need.
And why did I stay in New York when I hated it so much? I loved the work being in New York afforded me, and I loved traveling to so many parts of the world because of it. But the actual city? I realize after being home that I hate it. It’s too fast; the people are rude, and it’s dirty.
I find myself going in circles with all of it. The logical part of my brain knows I need to stop moving long enough to focus on what I want from my life. What I am happy with and what I want to change.
But the emotional part of my brain is terrified about what I will discover if I do. And I’m not ready to deal with the high probability I’ve been living a life I am not happy with. So, avoidance is my best friend, and Declan offers me the perfect distraction.
Right now, I have a great guy texting me, and I want to focus on that.
It’s okay. Ava needed to get home and settled.
I can’t imagine how long of a day it was for her.
Declan
I know you’re right, but selfishly, I wish I could have kissed you again before I left.
I smile down at my phone, setting it down so I can finish getting ready for bed. Something else I won’t lie about is how much I like kissing Declan. That man knows how to kiss. I’m not going to think about how he became so good at it, but I am definitely going to continue benefiting from it.
Thinking back to last night has my toes curling, and all we did was kiss. He made me feel so safe in his arms—so wanted. Things I honestly don’t know if I’ve ever felt with anyone else before.
My phone beeps again from where I left it.
Declan
Did I scare you?
No. I’m just in the middle of getting ready for bed.
Give me two more minutes.
I set my phone back down, ignoring when I hear another text notification, and finish getting ready. It goes off two more times before I climb under the covers and pick up my phone.
Declan
And now I’m picturing you naked.
Sorry, that might have been too much.
Also, not sorry because I’m not going to lie to you.
First, I won’t lie to you either.
Second, is it lying if you're simply keeping those thoughts to yourself?
Declan
Probably not, but I also don’t want you to question if I want you.
Because you should never doubt how much I want you.
So …
We’re having this conversation now?
Instead of a notification informing me of a text from Declan, I get a FaceTime request from him.
I’m smiling when I answer. “Needed proof I’m not naked?”
He laughs. “No, I just wanted to see your face.”
“That’s cheesy.”
He shrugs. “Maybe, but it’s the truth.”
I know I’m blushing. I can feel the heat on my cheeks, but I’m hoping the light from my nightstand isn’t bright enough for him to see it. “So, about that conversation,” I say, trying not to think about the fact I haven’t blushed because of a man in my entire life, and a simple comment from Declan has me acting like a shy teenager.
He doesn’t hesitate and jumps right in. “Okay, if we’re going to do this, the most important thing to me is that we’re honest with each other.” He shifts around on the screen, and I can see he’s sitting in his bed. “I need to know we are talking to each other. I need to trust we can be honest with what we’re thinking and feeling, no matter what.” He studies me through the screen for a second before continuing. “That’s where I went wrong with Melissa, and I don’t want to go through that again. Nor do I want to put someone through it.”
“Okay. That’s fair.”
“What about you? What’s important to you?”
“I don’t want whatever this is to change anything for you and my family. You’re all too important to each other for this to come between that.” I worry my bottom lip.
“Okay.”
“And us. I don’t want to lose our friendship either. You’ve become really important to me too.”
He smiles slightly at me. “Your friendship is important to me.” He’s quiet, as if contemplating something before continuing, “I think anything else that might develop between us would only strengthen that friendship, though.”
“I think you’re right, but in the spirit of honesty …” I pause, preparing myself for what I’m going to say next. It could quickly derail this thing before it’s even started. “I don’t know if I’m staying in town. Not after Dad—” I cut myself off before finishing that thought. I’m still not ready to think about Dad not being here. Even more after the conversation with Ava this morning.
“Okay.” The smile slips from Declan’s face, and I hate it. I understand why, but if we’re being honest, he needs to know I’m undecided on where my future will take me.
“I know you want to stay here, but I don’t know if I can,” I tell him.
“I get that, and I appreciate you being honest about it.” He shifts again, looking away from the screen briefly before looking back. “I think, if we can promise to be honest with each other, then we should see where this goes.”
“Even knowing I might not be here in eight months?” I feel my nose burning.
I’ve never been this emotional before, at least not in the years since I left for college, especially not since my attack. I learned to lock my emotions down after Mom left. People often think I’m cold because of it, but I’ve learned not to care what other people think of me, at least people I don’t know. My family? What they think of me still matters.
That’s not to say I don’t feel my emotions … because I do, deeply. I don’t like letting people in to see all of it. It’s hard to trust people will stick around when you need them most if you show them the truth.
But with Declan? He makes me happy. He makes me feel safe. He makes me feel seen, and like I can be myself. I know he could break me if I gave him the chance. But I trust he won’t.
“Yeah. Even knowing you might not be staying, I want to see where this goes.” I offer him a slightly watery smile before biting my lip to stop the slight tremble I feel. “God, I wish I was there with you right now,” he says meaningfully.
“Yeah?” I ask.
“Yeah. I really didn’t want to have this conversation over the phone. I wanted to be able to hold you, to kiss you.” His voice goes deep. “But who knows when we’ll have time, just the two of us, and I don’t want you to go into any more tomorrows not knowing how much you mean to me. We aren’t guaranteed to wake up from this night, so let’s just go for what we want and worry about the rest later.”
“That’s kind of cheesy … and a little morbid.” I smile at him. “But also beautiful.”
“It’s the truth.”
“Thank you,” I say through a yawn.
“Go to sleep, Bug. I’ll see you in the morning.”
“Good night, Declan.”
“Good night, Quinn.”
We hang up, and when I roll over to fall asleep, I do so with a smile.