Chapter 32
thirty-two
QUINN
I didn’t lie to Declan yesterday when I told him I needed time. I needed to figure my shit out. I couldn’t keep letting thoughts of my mother derail my entire life. I was giving her too much power, and that had to stop.
Declan is an amazing man. A man I am falling in love with. If I'm honest with myself, I'm probably already wholly and completely in love with him. But I let my worries about my mother pull me away from him. I hurt him yesterday when I asked for time to myself. And I was so angry with myself for letting my mother, and the simple fact she was here, dictate my actions toward Declan.
While I wanted the space when we were standing at the courthouse, I regretted asking for it as soon as I walked through the cottage door. I’d been so close to calling and telling him to forget everything I said, and please come over. But I held back. While I may have wanted him with me, I made the right call on being by myself. If Declan had been here, I wouldn’t have reflected on everything as I needed.
I don’t want to return to the life I was living before I came back to Ashford Falls. I want to stay here with my family and Declan.
Reflecting on my life in New York, I haven’t been happy for some time now. I haven’t been happy with my job and the work I was doing either. None of it brought me joy. I had been going through the motions, doing what I thought was expected of me. And avoiding what I thought I knew waited for me back home.
I couldn’t have been more wrong about what returning home looked like. It’s nothing like I had expected it to be.
Being home, surrounded by these people, has made me happier than I remember being in a really long time. I never thought about teaching as a career, but that too has brought me so much joy. I love working with my students and watching them learn new things. I love that while teaching, I rediscovered my love of photography, something I hadn’t even realized I stopped loving over the past few years.
I don’t want to give any of that up, most of all, what I have with Declan. He makes me feel so seen and heard—like I can do anything as long as he is there to support me and lift me up. And I want to do the same for him. I want to give him whatever he needs to be happy and live his dreams.
I know when I lose my dad, I will be devastated. My entire life will change. He’s been my biggest supporter and cheerleader in all of my endeavors, and I’m not sure how I’ll move on from that loss. But I know with Declan and my family by my side, I won’t have to tackle the grief on my own. Having them to lean on will help me tackle each day, and it will keep Dad’s memory alive.
I don’t have to do everything on my own. Leaning on people doesn’t make me weak—it makes me human. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
I recognize all of this, and yet I still fear I’m just like my mother. One day, some switch will flip, and I won’t be happy here in Ashford Falls, living the life I’ve built.
I’ll never forgive myself if I do to Declan what my mother did to my father. Or if I hurt Caleb and Max like she did.
I know I need to talk to my mother. It’s the only way to get closure on that part of my life. I need to know what changed. I need to know why she left. Hopefully, once I have those answers, I’ll be able to let her go and live my life the way I want, with the people I want.
I find Ava as soon as I walk into The Diner. I don’t know if she picked it or if Rose sat her there, but she’s in the same booth where Declan and I sit every Thursday. It instantly brings me comfort and puts a smile on my face.
“Hey!” Ava waves when she sees me nearing the booth. “You look lighter today.”
“I feel a little lighter.” I hug her quickly before sliding into the booth across from her. “I didn’t go about it the right way with Declan yesterday, but it was good for me to take the time to think about everything with my mother.”
“He understood. I won’t say he wasn’t disappointed, but he understands complicated relationships with parents.”
“I know he does, but it wasn’t fair to him.”
“You’ll talk about it, and everything will be fine.” Ava waves it off.
“Thank you.” I laugh quietly at her carefree attitude. I don’t know the full story, but I know something happened back in Harborview; so seeing how carefree she is, it’s inspiring.
“Of course.” She smiles and picks up the menu in front of her.
I fiddle with my menu for a moment. “I do have one favor to ask, though.”
Ave glances at me over the top of her menu, catching something on my face before she puts her menu down and gives me her full attention. “Okay?”
“I need to talk to my mother. Sooner rather than later. Can you help me get in contact with her?”
“Sure. Is this a conversation I should be present for?” she asks, a little hesitant herself.
“No. I just … I need to understand her. I need to understand why she left when she did, how she could leave the way she did. I have questions only she can answer.” I shrug. “I don’t know if that makes sense. But it’s not about Max or the custody case.”
“Okay. I’ll contact her lawyer as soon as we’re done here.”
“Thank you.” I relax in my seat, feeling like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I’m proud of myself for finally taking my life into my own hands, but it’s also terrifying to think about finally getting answers to questions I’ve had for so long. There’s no way to know what she’ll say and if her answers will even help me. But no matter what, I’m taking charge of my life and future, and that feels pretty good.
“This was great,” Ava says as she tosses her napkin onto the table. “Can we please make sure we do this regularly when I get back?”
“I would love that,” I tell her, taking the last sip of my coffee before placing the empty mug on the table.
“Probably not every week because that could get expensive. While my family may have money, I don’t like leaning on them. But maybe we could meet every other week? And with Emily!”
“That sounds like a plan.” The smile on my face slips as I see my mother walk in the door.
I knew she had to be staying close with the custody hearing, but I hadn’t realized she would stay in town. This town has no lost love for my mother. The fact she’s showing her face in here takes guts.
“Oh.” I hear Ava say. Looking at her, I realize she’s followed my gaze to my mother. When I don’t say anything or move, Ava speaks again. “I’ve got breakfast this morning. Why don’t you go talk with her now?”
“Are you sure? I don’t want to leave if you’re not done.”
She offers me a small smile, “It’s fine. I’ll see you tomorrow, and we’ll do this again soon so you can get me back next time.”
“Okay.” I stand from my side of the booth and hug her while she’s still sitting. “Thank you.”
I turn to see my mother standing by the door, waiting to be seated, likely being purposefully ignored by the staff.
“Rose,” I call to her behind the counter. “Can we take that booth in the back?” I gesture to my mother.
“Sure, love. Can I bring you anything?” she asks, concern evident on her face.
“A couple of coffees?” I ask, moving toward my mom.
“You got it.”
I walk over toward my mother, and when she notices me, she’s a little taken aback. “Bean, what are you doing here?”
“I was having breakfast with a friend.”
“Oh, that’s nice, I guess. The service here seems to have gone downhill.”
“No, you’ve forgotten how supportive the people of Ashford Falls are with each other. They don’t want to serve you, not after how you left your family,” I tell her honestly. “You want to sit and talk for a minute?” I ask after a moment of silence.
“Oh! Sure, I would like that.” She smiles at me, and my gut tells me it’s not real.
We make our way to the booth in the back, Rose right behind us with two cups of coffee. “Can I get you anything else?” She looks at me, ignoring my mom.
“Not at the moment.” I give her a quick smile of reassurance, but Rose doesn’t wait, moving on to the next table quickly.
“Well, I was hoping to order some breakfast,” Mom says, a small pout on her face.
“I’m sure she’ll be back.” I wrap my hands around the hot cup of coffee in front of me to stop myself from fidgeting. I know I need to have this conversation with her, but that doesn’t make me any less nervous.
“How have you been, Bean?”
“For the last ten years or the last ten hours?”
“Oh, don’t be like that.”
“Like what? What do you expect? A lot has happened since the last time I saw you. Some of it good, some of it kind of horrible.” I study her for a moment and decide to be honest. That’s what this is supposed to be about—honesty. “And you weren’t here for any of it. You weren’t here when I needed you most.”
“If this is how this conversation will go, I think I’d rather leave.” She scoots from her side of the booth, but I reach over, grabbing her arm to stop her.
“Can you just answer one question for me?” I ask her.
She stops and studies me. After what feels like an eternity, she sits back in her seat. “What question?”
“What happened? Why did you choose other people over your family? Over me? Why did you leave?” I ask, tears forming in my eyes, my voice getting quieter with each word.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean … I need to know why you left. What happened when I was nine that you started hanging out with those people who changed you? Why did you stick around, coming and going from our lives for another nine years, if you were just going to leave in the end? Why did you choose drugs and alcohol over your family?” I take a deep breath, trying to calm myself down. “I need to know what happened.”
She leans forward, wrapping her hands around her mug and studying it for a minute before looking up at me. “I met your father when I was ten years old. My mother and I moved into the house across the street from his family. He was four years older, and I was the little girl who lived next door. He didn’t pay much attention to me when we first met, but he wasn’t rude either. I thought he was so cool.” She smiles softly. “I had the biggest crush on him.” She sounds so happy when she says that, like it was the best thing having a crush on him.
“He’d always been around, you know? He helped my mother maintain the yard, and he’d help bring in the groceries if he saw us getting home with them. When we needed something fixed in the house, he was always willing to help.” She pauses, lost in thought. “He’d always stop and talk to me if he saw me around. And not just around the house, but anywhere around town, even if he was with his friends. He made me feel special.
“It wasn’t until I turned nineteen that your father finally made a move. And I won’t lie. By that time, I was madly in love with him. I would have done anything for him back then. I did do anything for him.” She sighs and takes a sip of her coffee, giving herself a moment.
“It was maybe a month into your father and I dating that we found out I was pregnant with Caleb. It wasn’t planned. I never wanted kids, and when I found out about Caleb, I just didn’t know what to do. So, I told your dad, thinking we would discuss all our options, but the second the words ‘I’m pregnant’ left my mouth, your father was so overjoyed.” She takes a moment, almost lost in the memory.
“You see, he always wanted kids, and the idea of disappointing him and telling him I didn’t terrified me. I guess I was more afraid of being without your father than I was about having a baby. So I never told him I didn’t want kids, and we had Caleb.” She looks down and studies her mug.
Most of this isn’t new to me. I knew they had known each other long before they started dating, and I knew Caleb hadn’t been planned. What I didn’t know was that Mom had never wanted kids.
“Things had honestly been pretty good, better than I thought they’d be. So when your dad said he wanted to try for another baby, I thought it was a good idea. Caleb had been such an easy baby. You, on the other hand, you were not. Most nights, you made me want to pull my hair out.” She looks at me, and contrary to the words she just said, this look of utter fondness falls over her face.
“Then, there were nights, most often when your dad was at the firehouse, and the three of us were alone, that made me forget how much trouble you were. You’d look at me as if I were your entire world, and I’d fall in love with you all over again.” She stops talking as if that’s all she has to say.
“So, what changed?”
“Nothing changed.” She shrugs as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “I never wanted kids, and I never wanted to stay in this nowhere town. This wasn’t the life I wanted, and when your father became fire chief, I knew we would never leave.” She shrugs again.
“So, what? You decided it didn’t matter you were the mother of two children who needed you? Who depended on you? Or that you had a husband who was completely devoted to you? You up and left. No thought for us at all?”
“Quinn, I don’t know what you want from me,” she says, exasperated.
“I want the truth!” I yell, causing people at the tables nearby to glance over at us. “I just want the truth,” I repeat, quieter this time, tears forming in my eyes. “I need to understand why you left. What did we do? I need to know what about the drugs and alcohol made that life more important than us.”
“Quinn, there’s nothing deeper to it. I wasn’t happy here. I am who I am, and being in this worthless town was never for me. I was meant for more than a life in Ashford Falls. And there was nothing you, your brother, or your father could have done to make staying here worth my time.” Her tone is so matter-of-fact. Not an ounce of remorse.
A self-satisfied smirk grows across her face. “As for the drugs and alcohol, well, if you’ve ever tried them, you’d know how freeing they can be. They’re kind of amazing. They can open your mind to endless possibilities.”
I look at her and realize I don’t recognize her at all. Nothing about this woman in front of me even remotely resembles the mother I remember.
Maybe that’s what held me back, imagining the mother I remembered from my childhood still existed somewhere deep inside.
I had always, in some ways, hoped something had made her leave us. As horrible as that sounds, I always wanted it to be some external force that caused her to turn her back on us. Some threat or fear causing her to run.
But now I know she wasn’t afraid. She was sure of herself and her decision to leave. This woman sitting in front of me was never meant to be a mother, and when she selfishly decided she didn’t want to do it anymore, she moved on to something else.
“What about Max?” I ask her.
“What about him? Your father loved that boy from the moment he came into this world, and that boy loved him. Max never needed me, not when he had all of you.”
“Then why are you here now? Max still doesn’t need you.”
“I won’t be discussing that with you.” She leans back in her seat, clearly done with this conversation.
I study her for a minute but see the resolution on her face.
“Okay.” I reach into my bag next to me and pull out a few bills, placing them on the table as I scoot out of my seat. Before I leave, I lean down closer to her, where she still sits. “Just know, we will all fight till our last breath to make sure Max doesn’t go anywhere with you. There is nothing for you here, and there never will be. You’ve just made sure of that.”
I don’t wait to see if she has anything else to say. I walk away and manage not to look back at her once.