Chapter Forty-One
KALLEN
Emotion knots in my throat as I read the article, its words overtaking the sounds of Euphoria’s resident DJ:
I FELL FOR MY COWORKER AND NOW THINGS ARE MESSED UP by Anon
Sometimes, the one we want the most is the one we think we can’t have. But then life throws a curveball, and the impossibilities lose their grip.
The article tells our story from a first-person perspective – Dan’s perspective – of what happened between us last month.
Everything except what happened with my family.
And of course my identifying details, which I respect him for.
I stop scrolling on a part towards the end of the piece that sends my heart into a wild rhythm.
Truthfully, being with him was one of the best feelings I’ve had in my entire life.
He’s the weirdest, most caring, beautiful person I’ve ever met, and I love everything about him. I love all the silly jokes he makes, when he makes me laugh, when he’s trying to be funny. And when h e gets all worked up, because it shows he cares.
I love that he speaks up about things that matter to him. How strong he is. The independent man he’s become. I just want him to be happy, but it’s hard being away from him, especially after the time we spent together.
I don’t regret my workplace romance. I just wish things would’ve ended differently.
With love,
Anon
Most of the Facebook comments are telling Dan to send his coworker, AKA me, this article. Others say he needs to tell me all of this in person and sweep me off my feet. There’s one comment I spot, which is just a vomit-face emoji. Typical.
‘Are you okay?’ Blake asks me, hand on my shoulder.
No response, mouth agape as I read through the Facebook comments.
‘Oh fuck,’ I manage, the moisture in my eyes multiplying as my stunned gaze meets Blake’s.
But before we can talk about it at all, Connor and Lenny return.
‘Is it time to show you lot the new disco-themed room?’ Lenny suggests.
We follow Lenny upstairs, to the two doors formerly belonging to the office.
‘We’ll debrief in a bit,’ Blake whispers to me, to which I nod, eyes still widened in shock .
I check my phone to see that Dan opened my message half an hour ago. No reply yet. I feel like sending a link to the article, asking if it was him. Though, I already know it was.
‘I do most of my office work from home now,’ Lenny says, ‘So we thought we’d convert the office here into something cool.’
I go to walk through the left door, but Lenny stops me, pointing at the door to the right.
‘Walk through that one. It’s the secret entrance . Definitely adds to the experience.’
‘Secret doors in hospitality venues…you know the market, my friend,’ Blake mentions as we walk on through the door, which is covered in shiny silver reflective bits, akin to a disco ball.
Blake’s at the front doing a walk-through video on her phone. Lenny isn’t lying when he says it’s an eighties disco-themed room. As we enter, lights from a spinning disco ball on the ceiling hit us. In fact, there are several disco balls in the room, hanging above the bar.
‘Yeah, we’re offering people their own personal bartender here,’ Lenny explains as we walk around in awe. ‘It’s like having your own private speakeasy, and we allow people to book by the hour. We’ve soundproofed the walls, so you can enjoy your own DJ in here.’
‘This is incredible! How much per hour?’
‘For you, free for the first time,’ Lenny says, putting his arm around my shoulder.
‘It’s hidden away as well,’ Connor mentions. ‘Defini tely a good aspect of it. It’s private, personal. Also, love the interiors.’
Velvet couches and chairs in blues, maroon, and mustard. Gold ornaments. A record player.
‘Well, if you weren’t so expensive these days, Connor, I would’ve got you to do the interiors,’ Lenny winks.
‘Oh, you know I would’ve given you a discount,’ Connor shrugs.
‘Honey, even with a discount, we could not afford you,’ Lenny lets out a hearty laugh. ‘This is me complimenting you, by the way.’ His gaze drops to his phone. ‘Oh, shoot, camera guy is here. I’d better show him in.’
‘Camera guy?’ Blake asks.
‘Yeah… Dan .’ Lenny throws his palms up. ‘The guy you work with. He’s getting some content here for Untold Media.’
Lenny leaves the room, and instantly, I shoot Blake a glare.
She winces. ‘Fuck. I didn’t know he was coming, I can assure you.’
I look around the room on high alert. ‘Shit, do I, like, hide or something?’
‘Why? Where are you going to hide?’ Blake asks, her eyebrows knitted together.
Fixating on the room’s bar, I don’t think on it any longer. I run behind it, no time to lose, it seems.
‘Oh God, Kallen,’ Blake mutters.
Connor also says my name, but I’ve already wedged myself underneath the bar sink, pulling the black fabric over me so I can’t be seen from the outside.
Mere seconds later, there’s a beeping from outside and the door clicks open.
‘Oh wow, this is…awesome.’
His voice. Man, I’ve missed that voice. Why am I underneath the sink again? Oh yeah, that’s right. I’m a coward, doing the exact opposite of what I set to achieve from the message I sent him earlier.
This is an unplanned confrontation, though. I think I’ll stay under the sink until he’s gone, wait for him to reply, and organise a time to talk that I can prepare for. Not put on the spot in a gay club in front of my friends.
Lenny explains the room to Dan, using almost the same words he uttered to us.
The sound of the camera shutter clicking makes me wonder what Dan’s taking photos of.
What angles he’s going for. Perhaps a scene shot of the couch and disco balls.
Or one of the glittery doors from the outside.
Dan’s a talented photographer – it could be anything.
Just don’t come behind the bar and we’ll be fine.
‘Where did Kallen go?’ Lenny asks.
The room falls silent. Even the camera clicks stop.
‘Uh…’ is all that comes from Blake’s mouth. Then, ‘He’s…bathroom.’
The moment she mentions the bathroom, I feel the need to pee. Goddamn apple juice times two.
‘Kallen’s here tonight?’ Dan asks, still holding off on using the camera. ‘Silly question. Of course he’s here. You’re doing a performance tonight, right? I overheard you when you left the office today.’
‘I’ve already performed,’ she says, ‘but yes to the performance and yes to Kallen being here.’
Dan snaps more photos. ‘Cool. If I knew about the performance times, I would’ve come earlier to see you.’
‘Oh, that’s okay,’ Blake says. ‘You see me in the office eight hours a day, five days a week. I wouldn’t expect you to come see one of my shows.’
‘Talking about drag shows, Blake, when is Sagi Moon free for another gig?’ Lenny asks. ‘The way the crowd was tonight, they loved having you, and having you back.’
‘It was incredible being back up there, not gonna lie,’ she admits. ‘I do love the attention.’
‘Honey, you are made to be up there,’ Lenny tells her.
Meanwhile, as Lenny and Blake talk about upcoming drag shows and how Blake says she’s planning on moving to part time at Untold soon anyway, I hear footsteps grow closer to me. Behind-the-bar kind of close.
‘Oh, Dan, have you seen the corner over there with the record player?’ Connor attempts to distract him.
But Dan is behind the bar now. I can see his white sneakers out of the gap in the fabric.
Fuck. ‘Yeah, I got photos of it before. It’s pretty cool,’ Dan says.
‘C’mere a second,’ Connor tells him. ‘I wanna show you this angle I was eyeing off.’
‘One sec, I just need to put my gum in the bin,’ Dan says.
The bin, w hich is right next to me, stuffed under the sink like a little gremlin.
Oh shit.
His hand props under the sink, gum squished between his fingers.
I try to crawl back, but there’s no room. He feels for the bin but touches me instead.
‘Wait, what the…’ he flinches after touching me on the shoulder. Then, he rips open the fabric, jumping back when he sees me. ‘What in the…’ he shouts. ‘Kallen?’
Out of reflex, I crawl out of the cupboard and give him an awkward smile. ‘Hey, I was just uh…’ I begin, but shock infiltrates, and I fumble my words like I’d do at any activity requiring balance. ‘I uh…was on my way to the bathroom, but I decided to check out what’s under the sink.’
‘Why?’ Dan asks, the creases in his forehead deepening, a bit like the hole I’ve buried myself in.
‘Well, uh…I was just seeing how much room was under here for like…storage and stuff.’
Abort mission. I repeat, abort mission.
‘I’m gonna go get a drink,’ I say, walking past him and the bar.
‘I got your message,’ he calls after me.
I stop and spin back around slowly.
‘Let’s go get some video footage of the rooftop,’ Blake tells Connor and Lenny.
‘That would be perfect for the Instagram reel,’ Lenny says quickly.
And the three of them leave the room.
Just him and I now, facing each other. I’m not sure if his bold stare is one of redemption or heartbreak. This unplanned confrontation is going great, given I can’t even form words.
‘I’m sorry,’ he breaks the silence for us. ‘My phone provider has been down all day and I only just got your message on the way here.’
‘That’s fine,’ I blurt out. ‘You know, it’s okay.’
‘How are you?’ he asks me.
It takes me a few beats to respond. ‘I’m going okay, considering. And you?’
‘Yeah, I’m okay…considering.’
I can’t keep it to myself any longer. ‘So, what’s with the article?’
His eyes drop to the floor for a moment before rising to meet mine again. ‘Yeah, sorry about that. There was a lot going on in my head, and I felt like I needed to write about it. Did you read it?’
‘Yes. Of course I read it!’
‘And?’
I think about this for no more than a couple of seconds, then, ‘I’m pretty baffled.
Also…for the record, you didn’t mess my life up.
I’m very capable of doing that all on my own.
And…I owe you an apology.’ My eyes begin to burn.
‘For what happened at the party. It was a dick move on my part, and you didn’t deserve that.
Gosh, you’ve been nothing but good to me, and I fucked it up. I’m sorry.’
Dan’s face softens into something angelic. ‘Thanks, Kal. I can understand why you did it. I can’t even imagine what it would’ve been like for you, and as much as I wanted to fig ht to get you out of there, I know you needed to do that on your own.’
A tear spills down my cheek. I catch it with my knuckle, nodding.
‘How are things there?’ he asks.
I shrug and say, ‘I feel sad about it. But I also feel relieved.’
Dan gives me a sympathetic look. ‘Yeah. I’m sorry if I made things worse.’
‘No. You didn’t. I feel like it was meant to happen.’
‘I’m also sorry about leaving you,’ he continues, his eyes appearing glossy. ‘And for the way things ended up at work. You didn’t deserve that.’
‘It’s okay,’ I say. ‘New chapter.’
He nods, repeating back to me, ‘New chapter.’ He starts walking forward toward me, and my heart gallops at each of his steps. ‘Kal, you deserve all the love in the world. And I think a part of me writing the article and persuading Lisa to let me publish it was so you could believe that.’
I manage a smile through the sobs. ‘Did you mean everything you said in the article?’
He stops at arm’s length so we’re face to face.
‘Yeah, I did,’ he says assuredly. ‘Did you feel the same things I wrote about in the article?’
No need to think about this one too long. ‘Yeah, I did. I mean, I do.’
His face is blotched with patches of pink, mouth quirking into a grin as he says, ‘I do, too.’
Big stupid, handsome idiot .
I break our stare for a moment and say, ‘The article is probably the cutest thing anyone’s ever done for me.’
‘Well, you’re worth it,’ he says without hesitation.
My heart grows in size again, yet doubt still lingers as I lower my voice. ‘We’re complete opposites, though, Dan. I’m dysfunctional as hell and you’re quiet, down to earth and yeah…how in the hell would it ever work between us?’
Once Dan processes what I’ve just said, he turns to me again and I to him. ‘I wanna try make it work. If that’s what you want.’
Chest all drum-like, I ask, ‘Are you sure?’
And he says, ‘I’ve never been more sure of anything in my entire life.’
‘That’s a bold statement, Dan Byers,’ I say.
He reaches his hand to mine, gently picks it up.
It feels like a kiss. A hug. Belonging. Feels like…
home. Like the comfortability of home, or something that reminds you of it.
Something you’ve pushed away for so long, only to realise it’s one of the things you wanted most. Something you feared in the beginning, because new things are uncomfortable.
But then, as time goes on, you realise. You realise you want to keep that thing – or that person, rather – in your life. But it’s not keeping really, because nobody belongs to anyone. They’re there by choice. And you know what? I choose Dan Byers.
And so, I kiss him with everything I have in me.
I kiss my neighbour, my ex-coworker, my friend, my…I’m not sure what else to call him yet.
But he kisses me back, and I feel safe.