Chapter 17 #2
I make a beeline to my staircase and take the steps two at a time.
Closing my bedroom door behind me, I lean against the wood and squeeze my eyes shut, willing my body to cool down.
What the hell is happening right now?
It’s Landon.
No reason to get all hot and bothered.
I’m probably ovulating. That has to be it.
I throw on a t-shirt and sweats, and twist my muddy hair into a bun. I’ll worry about it later.
Landon is in the living room when I hit the bottom step, standing with his broad back to me as he looks at a picture hanging on the wall.
Unease settles into my gut as I get closer, realizing which picture he’s looking at.
“You look so much like her.” His voice is low.
“My dad always said that.” I stare up at his profile, wondering if he’s imagining what it’ll be like when his own mother is nothing more than a picture on a wall. “You look a lot like your mom too.”
“Not as much as my dad.”
“I’m glad he’s not around anymore. Your mom seems so much happier.”
“It was tough on her in the beginning. We had to get a restraining order so he’d stop showing up at the house, and at her office.” He turns to face me, running a hand through his hair. “It was hard being so far away from her during that time.”
My hands ball into fists. “I wish I would’ve known.”
A small smile creeps onto his face. “Yeah? What would you have done about it?”
“I don’t know.” I lift my hands and let them fall at my sides. “Something. I could’ve helped while you were away so she wasn’t alone.”
His smile fades, and his eyes narrow. “You would’ve done that for her?”
“Absolutely.” I purse my lips. “I hated you, not her.”
Landon’s eyes fall to my mouth. “You keep using that word.”
Hate.
I hike a shoulder, something warm bubbling under the surface of my skin. “How would you describe it?”
“We were kids, Ainsley. We were trying our best.”
I let out a humorless laugh. “Yeah, well, your best sucked.”
His mouth tugs downward. “I would’ve come to his funeral, you know. I wanted to, but—”
“Don’t.” I hold up a hand to stop him, turning away from those intense eyes of his.
Landon grips my elbow and turns me until I’m facing him again. “I didn’t want to make things worse for you.”
“Worse than you not being there?” It flies out of my mouth before I can stop it, the resentment dipping like venom from my tongue. “You know, I always wondered if you knew when my dad passed. Glad to find out you chose not to come to the funeral.”
Landon’s eyes widen, wild with intensity. “You telling me you would’ve been happy to see me after everything that happened?”
“It would’ve been better than going through that fucking horror alone!
” My voice shakes with the anger I’ve held onto for longer than I’d like to admit.
“You shut me out and then you fucking left. I lost my father and I lost you.” I poke his chest as I spew my emotions.
“All while you got to run away from all your problems, and have the time of your life on the other side of the country. So, don’t seem so surprised when I use the word hate, because I have hated you, Landon.
I’ve hated you because I needed you and you weren’t here. ”
Landon steps toward me, bringing us chest to chest. “Don’t act like you were innocent in this. You knew how badly I wanted to go to UCLA, how much I needed that scholarship.”
I lift my chin, staring into his eyes. “I didn’t sabotage you on purpose, and you know it. You were hurt, and I was scared of what was going to happen to you in that game. I did what I thought was right at the time.”
“And I shut you out because I was an eighteen-year-old kid who felt betrayed by the one person he trusted. I’m not saying it was right, but it’s the truth.”
“Yeah, well, doesn’t matter much anymore, does it?”
“It does to me.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m sorry.”
The words hang between us, silencing us both.
I blink, stepping back, needing space so I can breathe.
“I’m sorry, Ainsley.” Landon moves forward with every backstep I take. “Would you look at me? I’m sorry.”
The words wash over me, and I sink into them like a warm bath after a long day, surrendering any fight I have left. Hot tears sting my eyes. They don’t wait for me to blink them away. They stream down my face.
“Everyone I care about leaves me.” I whisper the words like a hushed confession, too ashamed to own them any louder.
Landon’s hands come up, sliding around my shoulders, engulfing me in his arms. He pulls me against him.
And I let him.
How many nights I laid awake wishing he’d call, or show up on my porch, and say those two simple words. So much time has passed, yet we never had closure. We each carried our anger with us, letting it bleed into our separate lives. It spanned years, crossed state lines.
But now we’re here and he’s saying all of these words.
And if he can be adult enough to apologize, then so can I.
I lift my head, blinking up at him through blurry vision. “I’m sorry I ruined your chance at UCLA.”
“No.” He swipes at my tears with his thumb. “You were looking out for me. I’m the one who ruined my own shot. I don’t blame you. Not anymore.”
My bottom lip trembles as I stare into his familiar brown eyes. He’s being so vulnerable, so honest, it reminds me of the boy I used to know.
I clutch onto his shirt like he’s anchoring me to the present. “I only hated you because hating you was easier than missing you.”
His light-brown eyes bounce between mine. “And now?”
“Now...”
I don’t know what to feel. I’m overwhelmed and relieved at the same time. There’s still so much left to say, yet none of it seems to matter. We’re no longer those teenagers, raging against the world for the shit hands we were dealt. I have to let the anger go, once and for all.
At the very least, I have to try.
“We can finally close the door to that chapter of our lives. It’s over.”
Landon’s gaze drops to my mouth. “Over?”
I nod, afraid to utter another word.
He takes my hand and presses it against his chest. His heartbeat thrashes against my palm. “Does this feel like it’s over to you?”
I lick my lips, and his hungry eyes track the movement. I lean forward a fraction of an inch, bringing us closer.
But the quick rap on the door has both of our shoulders jerking to our ears.
Landon’s jaw works under his skin. “Gus is here.”
Realization crashes down on me. I step back, lifting my fingertips to my lips.
Oh my God.
I almost kissed Landon.
I swallow around the thick lump in my throat, moving toward the door. As I invite Gus inside, I steal one more glance at Landon.
I almost kissed him.
And he almost let me.
Fuck.