Chapter 20
Landon
Spring of Junior Year
“Before you hit the locker room, I have one announcement to make, so take a knee.”
We lower to the turf. Sweat trickles down my face from a grueling first practice. Coach always goes hard on us, but the start of the season hurts the most.
Coach motions to someone behind us, and my eyebrows jump when Ainsley’s long legs stride into view.
“Ainsley will be joining our team.”
My mouth falls open, on par with the rest of my team.
What?
“But she’s a girl,” Patrick blurts out.
Coach purses his lips as he shoots him a pointed stare. “And I’ve seen her run circles around you, so what’s your point?”
“Oooohh,” ripples through the group.
But my focus is on Ainsley.
Why didn’t she mention this to me?
Not that she owes me anything, but we hang out in the same circle. I consider her a friend, and assumed she felt the same. Yet she hasn’t breathed a word of this monumental news to me, or even mentioned that she was thinking about doing this.
I cut a glance to Evan. Did he know about this? Not only as our team captain, but as her best friend.
His usual furrowed brows and tight jaw don’t give anything away.
“Now, I know this is a change for all of us,” Coach continues, “but I expect you boys to act accordingly. Do you understand?”
“Yes, sir,” we reply in unison, though I’m not sure they even know what acting accordingly even constitutes as.
Coach dismisses us, and we head for the locker room to change, but I linger at the back of the group, my gaze still on Ainsley.
Evan gives her shoulder a light shove as they walk side-by-side.
She smirks and shoves him back. “See you at practice tomorrow, Cap.”
“Don’t expect me to go easy on you, Morgan.”
She grins. “I was hoping you wouldn’t.”
She turns toward the parking lot, but then her name flies from my mouth, and her head whips around.
“Congratulations. This is a big deal.”
A wide smile spreads across her face, and her chest puffs out the slightest bit. “Yeah, it is.”
“Your mom would be proud,” I say, my voice lower.
Her hazel eyes glisten against the setting sun. “Thank you.”
We stand on the field, staring into each other’s eyes, and the world around us goes quiet.
“I was nervous to tell you,” she says.
My head tilts. “Why?”
She hikes a shoulder. “I don’t know. I guess I was afraid of what you’d say.”
“You know I’m not like that.”
Pig-headed. Anti-feminist. Women should stay in their own lane type of mindset.
She reaches out and wraps her fingers around my forearm. “We’ll be spending a lot more time together.”
My gaze drops to her mouth, and I take a step forward.
But Evan tugs my elbow. “Come on. Not here.”
Ainsley shoots me a wink, and then walks off in the opposite direction. “Catch you later, Fletcher.”
Patrick opens his arms wide as he walks backward to the school. “Aww, come on, Ainsley. Don’t you want to change with us too?”
She flips him off, finger in the air over her head without turning around.
The rest of the guys snicker, but I shove Patrick, harder than a playful push between teammates. “Shut the fuck up.”
He chuckles. “Ah, what’s the matter? You worried about your girl seeing the rest of us naked and realizing she picked the wrong guy?”
“Nah, I just wanted to spare her the horror of seeing your micro-dick.”
“Yeah fuckin’ right.” He tosses his head back as he laughs, and we all step inside the building.
The locker room erupts.
“Is she serious?”
“She’s got no shot.”
“Girls can’t play on boys’ teams.”
Evan plops onto the bench beside me, keeping his voice low. “You’re going to have to rein it in, Fletcher. You can’t let them get to you.”
I nod, giving him a side-glance. “I’m more worried about her. You know how this crew can get.”
“She’s tough. She can take it.”
Ainsley is tougher than anyone I know. But she’s already got enough on her plate. She doesn’t need the close-minded people in this town making it harder on her.
“You can’t let your feelings for her get in the way of the game,” Evan says. “You have to let her worry about herself.”
I hear what he’s saying, and I get it. I do.
I just don’t know if that’s something I’m capable of when it comes to Ainsley Morgan.
Though I’m drained from the day, I’m not quite ready for bed.
My mind is a mess of thoughts, and I want to talk to Ainsley. I think I’ll feel better when I do. So, I hop on my bike and make the short ride to her house.
As her porch comes into view, I pump the brakes and prop it up on the kickstand in her driveway. She doesn’t notice me at first, with her head tilted down, sitting on the porch swing, hugging her legs to her chest. As I get closer, she buries her head in her knees, and her shoulders shake.
My shoulders sag, and I can’t seem to suck in enough air as sadness grips my lungs.
She looks so small, so unlike her usual self. I hate that she thinks she can only show this side of her in private. Alone.
I climb the steps and the swing sways backward as I lower myself onto it. I curl my arms around her, and her head snaps up, tears streaking down her cheeks.
“Landon, what are you doing here?”
“Came to see you.” My throat thickens as I’m met with her watery hazel eyes. “Why are you crying?”
She sniffles, and leans into me. “I went to the doctor with my dad. The medicine that was keeping the cancer at bay isn’t working anymore.”
I swallow. “How much time does he have?”
Ainsley chokes back a sob. “I’ll be lucky if he sees me graduate.”
Fuck.
“They said they’ll give him pain medication to make him as comfortable as possible. But there’s nothing else they can do.”
I hug her tight, giving her the space to let out everything she’s been holding in.
And she does.
She cries, muffling her sobs in my shirt, while I’m helpless to shield her from this agony.
Could I really leave her and start a new life California?
I’ve spent so long dreaming of a different life on the other side of the country, as far away from my father’s reach as possible. I still want that. But Ainsley has been here for me on the days I’ve been at my worst. She’s been my rock, my confidant. Now, she needs me.
Shouldn’t I stay here for her?
My therapist tells me I can’t hold myself back for my mother; that she’s a grown adult, and can make her own choices to stay or leave my father. But I’m crushed by the weight of the guilt I feel knowing that I’m leaving her behind...and now Ainsley is added to that list.
I smooth my hand over her damp hair, playing with the ends of her strands. Her hair is rarely down, and I feel lucky to catch a glimpse of her like this, after a shower in her pajamas, letting not only her hair down, but her walls too.
“You’re strong, Ainsley Morgan.” I whisper my words as I press a kiss to the top of her head. “I know this hurts, but you’re going to survive it. Your father might leave this earth, but he will never truly leave you. He’ll be watching over you and all you do.”
“Do you believe in God?”
“I’m not sure what’s out there, but I do believe in spirits.
I think you leave your physical body when you die, but your spirit goes somewhere else.
Somewhere better.” I push off the porch to start a gentle rock on the swing.
“After my grandma died when I was a kid, this giant butterfly would land on my finger in my backyard. I know it couldn’t be the same butterfly year after year, but it always landed on my finger.
To this day, I’m convinced it was my grandmother. ”
“That’s cute.” Ainsley lets out a light laugh. “I wonder if my dad’s spirit will meet with my mother’s.”
“He absolutely will. And then you’ll be the luckiest of all because you’ll have two incredible guardian angels watching over you.”
We’re quiet for a while, each of us contemplating things way bigger than ourselves.
“Can you stay here?” Ainsley lifts her head and looks at me with those wide brown eyes, rimmed with tears. “Just for a little longer before you head home?”
“Of course.” I adjust myself on the swing, settling back against the cushion and pulling Ainsley against me. “Of course, I can stay.”
At least for now.